<p>See that you do not PM or email. Any way to get your advice in confidence, oh sage of 'recalcitrant' boys ? :)</p>
<p>No real advice, Cheers. I am struggling myself. I don't dare publish my true trials and tribulations with some of my boys. My nephew and the adopted "littles", I can understand, as they had a history. My own kids, however, have been really a lot of trouble even as I have tried so hard to do the right thing parenting. </p>
<p>They have had great peaks, but some terrible valleys as well. My kids have often been the "brats" that you hear many refer to. Counseling, tough love, I have tried it all.</p>
<p>No worries. Wasn't really a kid question--more of an administrative issue. But sorry to hear of your trials. You're probably more succesful than you realize.</p>
<p>Jamimom, I've been somewhat aware of your tribulations and I've got to say it's a miscarriage of karmic justice. You are one of the most thoughtful, well-informed, and generous posters on this board...you should have aces and chocolate milkshakes delivered your way daily. Or bubblebaths. Or.... You get my point. May you get rewards instead of aggravations somewhere.</p>
<p>Janimom,
Sending lots of hugs and empathy.</p>
<p>Jamimom, yesterday I got one of those phone calls you probably know well--- regarding my 22 year old--- my heart is breaking but I am calm and know I am powerless. The despair is tempered by my knowledge that he is on his path and I have no control.</p>
<p>Kinshasa,
Sending an empathy hug....</p>
<p>Thanks. Still waiting for the phone call to tell us the next step.</p>
<p>Kinshasa - Sending my hug your way as well.</p>
<p>In my mind, Jamimom has earned an her share of bonus points in heaven. My irish grandmother used to say that God sends the biggest challenges to those who he knows will be able to handle them best. Certainly, Jamimom, you fit the bill. </p>
<p>Happy new year and best wishes to all ---</p>
<p>Thanks to all of you. No sainthood here, I'm afraid. Most of the time a case of the screaming meanies. Occured to me that 8 of the 9 kids have had counseling--maybe it's time I go.</p>
<p>Kinhasa, what can I tell you? My husband's heart was broken when he had to tell my 23 year old son that he was not welcome at home. It was truly a summer of hell here with him, and he aged us greatly through his carelessness, negligence, high jinks, disregard for rules and others. Perhaps it was a last hurrah as he realizes that he is truly going to be on his own. He knew his days of being a kid were numbered. But it did not make things much better. He has burned himself a path that will really limit his options in the future, and I am micromanaging the next one at this time so he does not do the same thing as he also wont to do so. And there is really no explanation for why they behave as they do. Example, when I was very briefly with the older one, he cleared his throat and spit on the sidewalk midconversation. Rude and not the way we live. And with me! This is just a very minor thing, but a constant thing with him. He got into trouble overseas this summer, and H bought a ticket to get over there and find out what was going on--S did manage to get out of the trouble himself and basically get himself deported back here, and we lost money on H's ticket and had to be grateful for that! It was the best possible scenario. I don't know how to deal with these kids. You just try to do the right thing, help them out, give them a fresh start, but there comes a breaking point eventually. In our case we still have little ones at home and really cannot afford the time and energy that the older ones are sucking out of us at a time when they should be on their own. I take all suggestions--books, advice, workshops. I check them out and try to glean out anything pertinant and have come up with some solutions and coping mechanisms from them. But I doubt that there is a one answer for these kids. Kinhasa, I hope things work out. They hold your heart in their hands. A mother is as happy as her unhappiest child, and right now though my heart is brimming with pride and joy for some situations, I have two very unhappy ones, son and daughter who are just tearing me to bits.</p>
<p>Kinhas,</p>
<p>Jamimom:</p>
<p>My heart goes out to you. I've been intending to ask about your D. My friend has a D who tried twice to get into med school and failed twice (the second time after working in a hospital lab for a while). So she looked at her option and decided to do a degree in epidiemology. She has now moved back in our town and immediately landed a job in a teaching hospital. It took her a while to accept that she would not be a physician, but she is very happy now. I hope your D can find a way, too.</p>
<p>Kinshasa: My thoughts are with you, too.</p>
<p>Jamimom et al, thanks. We have been through the mill and back. S has drained us financially and emotionally for the last 6 years-- wilderness, EG schools, we have shut the door on him, he has lived in a homeless shelter, legal trouble, flunked out of college, self-harm, I could go on. Right now I know he is safe and coming home. Once again we will sit down and say, "What are you planning to do (with your life)?" He has an incredible way of self-sabotaging himself. A goal he has dreamed of, worked towards for the last six months....all gone. I am in so much pain I feel numb. It's as if I can't feel anything.</p>
<p>Kinshasa, Again, my thoughts and prayers will be with your family in the coming weeks. Hugs to you.</p>
<p>Well, God bless both of you for being so generous with your advice and concern while managing those tough situations.</p>
<p>I find you all incredibly interesting people - but jamimom takes the cake for most interesting and most easily to relate to posts.</p>
<p>Jamimom,</p>
<p>Applause for your williingness to share the ups and downs of parenthood. Going through a bit of it myself these days, and while I can't say I'm happy to see anyone else suffering, your comment that "a mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child" summed things up nicely. I think someone should declare a moritorium (sp?) on stepchildren...</p>
<p>Jamimom: Hugs and good thoughts your way. Very much have enjoyed reading your posts. :) Hugs, hugs, and karma for you.</p>
<p>I would not like to go into detail online, but, several years ago, my parents were at at their wits end with my older sister - she wasn't welcome at home, my parents loved her but didn't like her, counseling wasn't helping, you name it - if it could go wrong and hurt my parents, it did. Fast-forward and make a long story short: she's doing wonderfully. The whole family really loves being around her. She's starting to undo a lot of the damage to her own life that she did (thinking about going back to college - she never graduated, taking courses, etc). Several years ago, we would not have known nor believed that things would turn out so well. May the same happen for you and your family.</p>
<p>Jamimom, I have always marveled at your job as mom of nine kids, even if they were perfect kids. But on top of that feat, I know you have had to struggle with difficult challenges with some of your kids and though it has been so hard for you, you have done all you could for those children. You are an inspiration. I am sorry for the trials and tribulations a few have caused. Some day, I hope they realize what you have done for them. The rest of us clearly see it. Hugs to you as you go through the current stressful situations. Also, I owe you some posts or should I say, you wrote a few recently that truly interest me and I have not been able to be online much and now I am going to CA for six days and will not have any computer access. I hope at some point to respond to some of the posts you wrote to do with your son, the current applicant (and Yalie admit). It is late now and I have had so much to do that I just never got to it, sorry. </p>
<p>Kinshasha, I am so sorry to hear of the stress you are under with your son. I know you have no control over it and it is his doing but it still is worrisome for you and difficult to endure as a mother. I hope things get better and maybe this is a wake up call for your son. I hope this situation provides an opportunity for him to reflect and plan some short and long range goals. You can only do so much. I am sorry you have to endure this. This is the worst part of being a parent when things like this happen. You've done your best. Hang in there and I hope things look up real soon. I will check back when I get back online in a week and I hope there is some light for you once you get past this difficult period. Thinking of you.</p>
<p>Susan</p>
<p>Jamimom and Kinshasa, I am so very sorry to hear of the troubles you are having with your respective offspring. It just doesn't seem fair, does it? You pour out your virtual life's blood on their behalf, and all you get is grief. </p>
<p>The good news is that, eventually, even the worst kid usually comes to his/her senses and grows up. I surely hope that the peace that eventually came to Ariesathena's household, comes to yours. </p>
<p>But whatever you do, try not to beat yourselves up too much over matters. Some things are just out of your control. And it is not at all uncommon for kids to go against their upbringing---at least for a time. You need to be kind to yourselves, nurture yourselves, knowing that you have been the best parents you know how to be. Don't let the shinanigans of grown children (who certainly ought to know better) ruin your health, or compromise your ability to effectively parent any remaining children in your household. </p>
<p>I send you both hugs, and a prayer for peace and understanding.</p>
<p>Jamimom,</p>
<p>I have not been an active member of this forum long enough to have become familiar with your family situation, but I just wanted to tell you that my heart goes out to you for all that you have been/are going through. As you well know, good intentions do not always bear the results that we would wish. That some of your children are struggling with their own issues is not a reflection of YOUR job as their remarkable and devoted mother. It is evident in all of your posts on this forum that you are empathetic, sensitive, generous, kind, and extremely knowledgeable. I do believe that the wisdom by which we raise our children from very young ages does remain with them always, though they are sure to become sidetracked in the long roads that are their lives. It is hard to see the light now, but it will come, I'm sure.</p>
<p>As you know, I am a mother of six, three boys and three girls aged 17, 16, 13, 11, 9, and 6. I have yet to deal with some of the issues that you and kinshasa are dealing with, but if I AM ever confronted with such situations, I would hope that I could handle them with the grace and dignity that you have shown. (And no, I don't either think you are or EXPECT you to be a saint--I get that a lot being a mother of six, and it really grates me! <em>LOL</em>). But perfect or not, you ARE a wonderful mom and a fabulous friend to many on this forum. Like many others here, I appreciate you greatly!</p>
<p>With much fondness and respect, ~berurah</p>