Jan essay, same prompt, 10 vs 9. Help my 9 :(

<p>Both essays pressure/productivity prompt. Help on both would be appreciated by any 12'ers.</p>

<p>Heres RAlec's essay. score - 10. 391 words 1.8 pages filled up.</p>

<p>The demands of other people never tend to increase the productivity of people. This viewpoint is prevalent to European history, and literature, specifically supported by King Louis the 16th and Leper Lepellier. </p>

<p>King Louis the 16th was King of France during the French Revolution. He was a stolid King, and also a very unliked King. His people at the time were starving and losing their jobs. The price of bread rose so high that people could not eat for days. Consequently, they were not happy with Louis the 16th. They called for demands, reforms, and lower taxes; however, these pressures did nothing to change Louis the 16th's policies. In fact, he did not do anything at all. he continued to eat voraciously, and did nothing to help his people. In the end, he was killed in the revolution. This shows that harsh demands and pressures do not increase productivity; in fact, it made King Louis the 16th do less than what he had done prior to the demands.</p>

<p>Another example supporting this viewpoint is the novel by John Knowles, "A separate Peace." This novel revolves around the relationship of 4 boys in their boarding school during World War II. Leper is one of these boys. He is naive and timid, and some see him as a weirdo. It is no surprise that other boys find him anomalous; he owns a snailfarm, likes to go cross country skiing, and draws rabbits in his free time. However, Leper Lepellier signs up for the war. Many, people expected the demands and pressures to increase Leper's productivity and make him "more of a man." However, as seen in the example with King Louis the 16th, these pressures did not do that. These pressures actually made Leper go into hiding. He is unable to cope with the rigorous excersizes and eventually gets kicked out of the army for "psychological problems." Leper then goes into hiding where he goes back to his old self; he is no more of a man than before. These pressures and demands did not increase Leper's productivity. He was the same person before he received the demands and pressures than he was after. </p>

<p>In conclusion, selective pressures do nothing to increase productivity. In teh case of King Louis the 16th and Lepper Lepellier, pressures and demands did nothing. King Louis the 16th did nothing under pressure from his people, so his level of productivity was zero. Leper Lepellier collapsed under pressure and got booted from the army, thus earning a productivity level of zero.</p>

<p>Here's my essay. score - 9 :( 394 words. small handwriting 1.5 pages filled up.</p>

<p>Oftentimes, people have to deal with the demands of others. Whether at home or at work, everyone in some way has to deal with certain demands and expectations. Indeed, the demands of others do make people more productive than they would be without such pressure.</p>

<p>A perfect example that illustrates this can be found in Upton Sinclair's The Jungle. In the novel, meatpackers in Chicago dealt with unsafe, unsanitary, and brutal working conditions. Because demand for labor was so high, workers were forced to work at breakneck pace just to keep their jobs. Employers exploited this high demand for labor by subjecting workers to long hours and demanding an inhumane pace. Although immoral, the demands of the employers in meatpacking companies did indeed soar the production of the employees. This example clearly illustrates how added pressure makes people more productive. </p>

<p>Another relevant example that supports this point is my current job at Dunkin Donuts. Although I consider myself a capable worker, I'll admit that when my boss is absent I have a tendency to work at a lethargic pace. However, last week I worked an 8 hour shift with my boss present. Fearing disapproval, I changed my usual routine of sluggishness and I worked quickly and efficiently. My boss was so impressed with my work ethic that day that he raised my pay from minimum wage. This personal example also illustrates how added pressure and demands can make one more productive. </p>

<p>A third relevant example is the transcontinental railroad completed in the late 1800's. America had hit an industrial boom, and completion of a transcontinental railroad would signify the progressive nature of the era. Backed by strong public support and the demands of railroad companie, the Union Pacific and Central Pacific companies furiously constructed the railroad. Union Pacific working west from Missouri and Central Pacific working from east from California, the two triumphantly met in the mountain west region. Demands of the public and private companies led to the diligent, tireless work of the railroad workers.</p>

<p>All three of these examples clearly show how added demands spur productivity. When one has no pressure, it is easy for one to act lethargic and unalert. On the contrary, added pressure leads to more alertness and better results. Indeed, the demands of others do tend to make people more productive than they would be without such pressure. </p>

<p>**** Being my own teacher, I realize mine is cookie-cutter, repetative, and lacks insight. Should I stick to 2 examples and flesh them out more?</p>

<p>:):):):):):):):):):):):):):)</p>

<p>It’s really not that much that much of a difference. Remember, one person gave you a five and another a four; the only difference is that your friend got two 5’s.</p>

<p>I agree with the other post. Your essay doesn’t have major problems, and the content of your examples is just fine. Your writing is just lacking a little sophistication, and you’ve got some awkward sentences (wouldn’t it be better to say sluggish routine vs. routine of sluggishness?) And be sure if you’re using vocabulary words, you’re using them correctly…lethargic is only used to describe people, for example, so your usage isn’t quite right. Small errors like that take away from the overall quality of the essay. BUT, the most important thing is that your essay is relevant to the topic, and you succeed in that.</p>