<p>I underperformed on the January SAT. Read my essay and give your honest score for it. I'll post my actual score later. I need a 2150 at least in March. </p>
<p>prompt about hard work/productivity. 100% copy of actual essay. It won't indent for some reason.</p>
<pre><code> Oftentimes, people have to deal with the demands of others. Whether at home or at work, everyone in some way has to deal with certain demands and expectations. Indeed, the demands of others do make people more productive than they would be without such pressure.
A perfect example that illustrates this can be found in Upton Sinclair's The Jungle. In the novel, meatpackers in Chicago dealt with unsafe, unsanitary, and brutal working conditions. Because demand for labor was so high, workers were forced to work at breakneck pace just to keep their jobs. Employers exploited this high demand for labor by subjecting workers to long hours and demanding an inhumane pace. Although immoral, the demands of the employers in meatpacking companies did indeed soar the production of the employees. This example clearly illustrates how added pressure makes people more productive.
Another relevant example that supports this point is my current job at Dunkin Donuts. Although I consider myself a capable worker, I'll admit that when my boss is absent I have a tendency to work at a lethargic pace. However, last week I worked an 8 hour shift with my boss present. Fearing disapproval, I changed my usual routine of sluggishness and I worked quickly and efficiently. My boss was so impressed with my work ethic that day that he raised my pay from minimum wage. This personal example also illustrates how added pressure and demands can make one more productive.
A third relevant example is the transcontinental railroad completed in the late 1800's. America had hit an industrial boom, and completion of a transcontinental railroad would signify the progressive nature of the era. Backed by strong public support and the demands of railroad companie, the Union Pacific and Central Pacific companies furiously constructed the railroad. Union Pacific working west from Missouri and Central Pacific working from east from California, the two triumphantly met in the mountain west region. Demands of the public and private companies led to the diligent, tireless work of the railroad workers.
All three of these examples clearly show how added demands spur productivity. When one has no pressure, it is easy for one to act lethargic and unalert. On the contrary, added pressure leads to more alertness and better results. Indeed, the demands of others do tend to make people more productive than they would be without such pressure.
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<p>it’s not bad at all… you can easily bring up your score to at least a 11 with more practice.</p>
<p>things you can improve upon:</p>
<p>you tend to repeat words, phrases, and ideas. for instances, the first two sentences of your essay are basically exactly the same, which leaves a really bad impression on your reader right away. Instead of using the words “demand”, “deal/dealt”, and “illustrate”, etc so many times, you could’ve substituted them with other words.</p>
<p>instead of saying “a perfect example… another relevant example… a third relevant example”, you can easily come up with better introductary sentences at the beginning of each paragraph. you can even prepare those in advance, before you actually sit down to take the sat.</p>
<p>other than that, it’s mostly some small grammar errors and awkward sentence constructions that will take more time and practice to eliminate. </p>
<p>What was the exact prompt? I didn’t take the January SAT.</p>
<p>1) You only stated that the subjects worked hard in pressure. You didn’t state how the subjects wouldn’t have worked hard if they weren’t in pressure as opposed to simply stating that they didn’t. </p>
<p>In other words, you should use your examples only as support. Don’t just state your example and let it speak for itself (i.e., do not just say: “Since I was pressured, I worked harder”); describe the mechanisms that make your situation possible. Do not just state the historical events and what did or did not happen. Interpret the history on a </p>
<p>The essay is similar to an article about a study of a phenomenon. If the article says that the study supports the thesis that you are more productive if you are being watched, it may first state the objective aspects of the study–the statistics, research, and details of the experiment–and then go on to explain what those statistics mean on a subjective level–HOW the results of the experiment were even possible and reassurance that the results were not based on luck.</p>
<p>You have to take that extra step and use reasoning and logic to interpret each example.</p>
<p>2) Don’t say “an example is found in…” or “this example illustrates…” It doesn’t help. You don’t even have to refer to them as “examples.”</p>
<p>ESSAY PROMPT
Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment:</p>
<p>External constraints–factors that limit people’s plans and projects–can create stress, but this stress is not always bad and may even be necessary. In fact, the pressure of deadlines, budgets, rules, and the demands imposed by others can push people to accomplish things that they would find impossible to accomplish with unlimited time, money, and the absence of pressure. Adapted from Jena Pincott, Success: Advice for Achieving Your Goals from Remarkably Accomplished People </p>
<p>ASSIGNMENT:Do the demands of others tend to make people more productive than they would be without such pressure? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>
<p>big grin w t f ??? i copy pasted it directly from collegeboard lol</p>
<p>I don’t know… I would have given this an 11 because it’s pretty solid… only minor tweaks… I don’t really understand the SAT Essay anymore (after seeing this and my essay score).</p>
<p>I got a 10, whereas I thought I definitely got a 11/12. I was pretty disappointed.</p>
<p>You asked for me to be harsh, and here’s why it deserved a 4: Lacked insight and interesting vocabulary, writing style was boring, conclusion was weak, and the examples were not fleshed-out and analyzed.</p>
<p>I would have focused on your The Jungle and Dunkin Donuts examples and fleshed them out more. Add in more details. Describe past situation, what caused a change, and the effects of the change. For instance, for Dunkin Donuts, you could have added your inner thoughts, such as, “Without the boss around, I felt like there was little incentive to work as hard as I could. After all, wasn’t I paid by the hour, not by the effort? What good would it do for me to put my back into it when my wallet would weigh the same by the end of the day?” For The Jungle, the gruesome details of the industry would have added even more depth and richness to your examples.</p>
<p>kean, thanks for advice. March i’ll flesh out two examples rather than having 3 poorly supported ones. As for vocab, that 14/19 on Jan SAT surely doesn’t help.</p>
o</p>