Sat this week! Pls grade my essay!

Test Preparation
1

<p>Q. Do the demands of others tend to make people more productive than they would be without such pressure?</p>

<p>Do the demands of others tend to make people more productive? Although a consensus has not been reached, many seem to be in the opinion that demands of others make people more efficient. However, if one were to ponder about this question at length, one would reach a conclusion that demands put excessive pressure on people and are detrimental to peoples’ productivity. Compelling examples such as Korea and Animal Farm by George Orwell bolster this view.</p>

<p>Pressure can not only impede one’s work but also push people to irrational thoughts. For example, hundreds of Korean students decide to commit suicide every year at such young ages. This is highly due to the Korean national university entrance exam. Most if not all, Korean students are expected to perform well on the exam, and their family and friends demand that they get accepted to prestigious colleges in Korea. However, numerous students are indescribably pressured by these demands and end up committing suicides. Like this, demands of others can pressure people into making harmful choices.</p>

<p>Animal Farm by George Orwell also shows that excessive demands hinder one’s ability. In Animal Farm, Boxer, the hard-working horse, is known for his strength and efficiency. However, the pigs, the ruling class, demands better and faster work from him. Although it expedites his work, eventually he fails to meet the demands and becomes too exhausted to ever work as efficiently as before. What caused his failure were the demands and pressure the community was putting on him. If he had ignored the demands of the pigs and had not overworked himself, he might have had more vigor and life for a longer period of time. In this sense, although pressure can expedite one’s work for a short period of time, it is baleful to one’s performance in the long run.</p>

<p>Do demands of others make people more efficient? It is very tempting to answer in the affirmative, but numerous examples support the antithesis. Both my examples clearly demonstrate the pressure harms one’s performance.</p>

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<p>Please help me! bump</p>

3

<p>It looks 4ish to me. </p>

<p>First off productivity and efficiency are different things, albeit related. You shouldn’t be making the conclusion about efficiency when the prompt calls for productivity. </p>

<p>Shouldnt “Korea” be styled South Korea or Republic of Korea?
" in the opinion" - should be “of the opinion”
“baleful to one’s performance in the long run.” Not ‘baleful’, maybe ‘detrimental’ or injurious. </p>

<p>I think you needed a bit more on the exam system. Yes some percent commit suicide, but couldnt a reader wonder if for the other 99.99% if the pressure didnt actually help focus their studies and increase their academics? It would be very good if you had some way to address that such as "For the majority of students the pressure of the Nation Exam is all consuming- isolating them from the friends, families, jobs, even adequate sleep for weeks of their life. In the big picture the exam material is of little academic importance and yet it essentially brings their lives to a stand still where they accomplish noting else. By any fair measure their productivity has plummeted. "</p>

<p>I like the logic of the Animal Farm example much better: excessive pressure drives one to the point of injury and then the ability to produce crashes to nothing. In order to get a 6 I think you would have needed a progression of logic- either show that this crash is inevitable in other cases, or demonstrate other ways that increased pressure actual induces lower productivity (for instance maybe quality problems that necessitate work being redone).</p>