<p>A couple of weeks ago I was out with friends and I said, “I can’t imagine spending 200,000 on a wedding. It seems so idiotic.”</p>
<p>Okay, as soon as it was out of my mouth, I realized my friend to the right had probably spent that much. I felt like such a bonehead. I said “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…Maybe it’s because I eloped…” I couldn’t get that one back in my mouth and I wish I hadn’t said it.</p>
<p>Oh well.</p>
<p>People occaisonally say stupid things.</p>
<p>Ooooh, Barfly – I like! Just yesterday I was dropping off my 12 YO at a HS football game and a kid was dropping FBombs jokingly with his buddies while being picked up. I checked him politely. My kid was embarrassed but I’m trying to be more direct as well.</p>
<p>(My only tweak advice re: the Nat’l Anthem kid is that in my area there are a goodly number of Jehovah’s Witnesses, who will not stand out of conscience. In your scenario, I think I’d ask person if there was any religious objection first. Otherwise, I’d appear to be bullying)</p>
<p>Good point, T26E4. The boy was taking off his soccer cleats and socks, so I don’t think he was Jehovah’s Witness, but I didn’t even think about it at the time. From my experience, Jehovah’s Witnesses sit quietly and respectfully during the Pledge and National Anthem.</p>
<p>This statement was not about the OP. This statement was about “joe and I”.</p>
<p>Why can’t it just be that? Would she really say “Joe and I think you are stupid to pay $60,000 a year for school?” </p>
<p>Most people are not jerks. Most people are talking about themselves and their situation when discussing things. Isn’t it easier to know that you obviously have a much bigger pot than they do and let it go at that.</p>
<p>Some people are lucky. They don’t lose jobs, they don’t have to financially help elderly parents or relatives, they have had the luck of good health, they have started their own lives with no debt…</p>
<p>Others not so much. Different view points.</p>
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I dunno, Doschicos. My BIL and his wife have called out DH and I plenty of times for spending “all that money” to send our children to Catholic school (they are not Catholic.) They have two of every blue-collar status symbol known to mankind and have never spent a dime on education of any kind (and it shows.) He’s 62 and retired; she’s 60 and considering quitting her job. I’ve never questioned any of this, since I figure it’s none of my business, but I think I’m going to have the last laugh down the road when they run short of money, sell all their toys and whine about how broke they are.</p>
<p>I usually say something like, “You know, I never count anyone else’s money” to statements like that. Otherwise, if caught off guard, “Okay” is a fine response, and a conversation ender.</p>
<p>I think what she was saying (prehaps rudely, but whatever) is $240,000 is a lot of money for a bachelor’s degree, which I happen to agree with. It’s hard to earn enough money to recoup on that investment. I have friends who have spent more than half a million to put their daughter through vet school, probably much more. No wonder the vet is so expensive! I know another set of parents who will have spent a million dollars on their daughter by the time she finishes law school. How do you spend a million? I’m including not just tuition, it’s all the plane flights to go across the country to football and basketball games, sorority costs, study abroad costs (both parents went with her to Italy twice, first to drop her off and then to pick her up. I just sent my kid to Spain on her own, and didn’t go to visit her there). Do they have an extra million sitting around? Maybe. I sure don’t. Will it pay off in the end? I don’t think they even care. They spend, spend, spend on this girl, and that’s what makes them happy. She’s never had a job (she’s almost 23). </p>
<p>I am cheap. I spent about $80,000 on my kid’s BA. She’s had jobs since high school. I didn’t want her to be saddled with loans, and I didn’t want her to feel pressure to have to earn six figures to justify the six-figure college degree. As it turns out, I also need to retire early because of health reasons. That was unexpected, and can happen to anyone, BTW. Thank God she’s graduated and I am not committed to huge tuition bills, because I need to think about the future. I also need my daughter to be able to support herself, because I’m not going to be able to do it. And gosh darn if she didn’t get a job right out of college and is supporting herself. I am so proud, prouder than if I had sent her to an elite private school (which was an option), because when things took a bad turn for me a couple of years ago, she rose to the occasion. She stepped up. And she never complains that she didn’t get to go to study abroad twice in one year like her affluent friends, or buy whatever brand name clothes she wanted, or spend her summer going to spas and Vegas. </p>
<p>Anyway, spend what you want on whatever you want. But be prepared for people to make comments or look askance. I have a 20-year-old student at the community college where I teach who drives a Maserati. He waved to me as I drove by him the other day. Good luck to him. It’s just a matter of time before he crashes that thing. I dont judge him, but I think the parents must be nuts. Who gives a young man a Maserati? I don’t care how rich you are, that’s a very bad idea.</p>
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Exactly. People will judge you for spending too much on a college education, or too little; for living in small house or a big one; for being too dressed up or not dressed up enough; for every conceivable human action. Someone out there is going to think you’re doing it wrong, and all you can do is decide whether it’s worth arguing about.</p>
<p>A nice comeback when someone says “I think it’s stupid to [fill in the blank]” is just to say, calmly and pleasantly, “Well, I [fill in the blank.]” Most people will be embarrassed. If they don’t realize they’ve committed a faux pas, you aren’t going to fix their cluelessness by giving them your reasons. And you aren’t obligated to, anyway.</p>
<p>Personally, i believe many people here are of the belief that other people are far more interested in their lives than they really are. If i hear of a person who spends 200k on a wedding, i might think briefly to myself filthy rich, or even narcissist, but those thoughts would be fleeting. Most people are far more concerned about their own lives than those of others, and yet so many assume others are interested in their choices.</p>
<p>Thank you for all the thoughtful replies! </p>
<p>My favorites are the pocket change and not spending it if I had your kids - at least if one wants to be snarky. Which is tempting sometimes. All in all, I would prefer to take the high but direct route and will file some of these suggestions away. I do think the context matters - there really are times when snark is called for, but I don’t think that was the case in this situation. I am sure she didn’t mean to imply that we are stupid. I think she is extremely stressed about the whole process. She had called me asking for advice about the application process. I know she is anxious.</p>
<p>The most interesting response to me was from Marian about an inheritance. I had never thought about that being “luck.” I also thought the follow up by Marian about the grocery store conversations and how they differed between child one and two were fascinating. I do think there is generally a sense of defensiveness when anyone looks elsewhere than our state flagship which is right here in town. We have no issue with the state flagship! Dh attended there! But our state flagship is no UNC. But when I say to local folks that he is casting a wide net and wants to see what happens, I do get that bristly, defensive feeling that they are somehow offended that he feels the need to look anywhere else.</p>
<p>What they said could be very situational. </p>
<p>For someone else it could be stupid to spend $50,000 a year at one college, when they get money back every semester at anter college. </p>
<p>All in all. Don’t take what they said to heart. I wouldn’t. I’d be a little but peeved for awhile, but then get over it. As you should.</p>
<p>I’m glad I’m not the only one who doesn’t believe that this was a personal attack on the OP. Honestly, that would probably be something that would slip out of my mouth because I sometimes lack a filter. What would it mean? That x and I think it’s stupid, for us, and NOT a reflection of you.</p>
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<p>I had an officious parent tell me to stand and say the Pledge of Allegiance in the school library when it came over the loudspeaker. (There were no students present.) I looked her in the eye and said “I don’t say the Pledge of Allegiance.” She retreated, flustered.</p>
<p>IMNSHO, you have no right to impose “patriotic” observances on other people, and it is none of your business why they are not doing so. </p>
<p>For the record, when I am at a public gathering where the pledge is said I stand but do not say it.</p>
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<p>I think you are absolutely right about this.</p>
<p>I think it’s stupid if you and your child are going to be saddled with a mountain of debt. If it’s easily affordable then certainly, not an issue. I wouldn’t take this personally. It’s more likely your friends are speaking of the system as a whole and the majority of the population for whom 200 grand for a child’s education is not comfortable at all. Personally, I DO see a lot of stupid going around.</p>
<p>I think “in general” that higher education has gotten too expensive for a country who offers little employment to those without a degree (and almost none that will make it comfortable to send your own kids to college.)</p>
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<p>I would’ve said no. I generally stand for the national anthem, but not always. I never say it. Why? Because I think the ritual is really creepy and I don’t believe in what it says. If you “called me” on it, I’d probably call you right back on it of why you think it’s any of your business whether I stand or not. And if you tried to “call me” out on not being patriotic or some ****, I’d politely tell you that I lost my brother-in-law to this stupid war and that the vast majority of my family is military… we’ve done “our part”. </p>
<p>People care way, way, way too much about what other people do when it doesn’t affect others (a guy cussing out his gf is much different as it doesn’t affect just him)</p>
<p>A few years ago, I waited in line for 3 days over president’s day - to try and get my D into a private pre school. Crazy - but that was the practice. Even in n.california, jan is pretty cold. My co-workers mocked me and said that I was stupid to do this and there were plenty of other options etc</p>
<p>Three months later, the same people waited outside a movie theatre for 3 days, to see the first showing of the new Star Wars movie. I maybe crazy but what would you call this? Anyway, I was too polite to call them out</p>
<p>Anyway, Why do you care what others think? Like many others, I do not believe this was personal</p>
<p>Lots of good responses here…the thing that I really dislike is when someone feels the need to say “Joe and I think…”, why drag your spouse into it? Is she not secure enough to say, “I think…”?
Like “Joe” somehow lends credibility to her statement? She sounds like an insecure ditz.</p>
<p>I don’t think anyone has ever said that to me directly. Even if I believed that spending X amount on college tuition is stupid–I’d never say that to a friend. It’s very judgmental and rude. Anyway, I’d say something like: “I can’t think of a better place to put my money–investing in my kids–and I know they appreciate it.” My husband’s favorite is–everyone has to spend his/her money somewhere."</p>
<p>Our answer to similar questions was: we planned well.</p>
<p>She may not be thinking you are stupid. Your financial situation could be totally different. I’d assume she just thinks it is stupid for THEIR family to consider doing it, and she may well be right.</p>
<p>Personally, I’m not up for it either, and nor are at least half of my frugal children. There is one who might want to go to an overpriced Ivy though. We shall see.</p>