DD (senior) has put together a college list, some were suggestions from me, some she came up with on her own because they offer a specialty program she thinks she may major in (although we think she will not stick with that field–a story for another post)
DD is doing great now, but has had mental health issues in the past. She is not currently on medication.
Part of my screening of the colleges I suggested to her was checking out mental health services/support/general attitude of college and steering her to colleges that seemed to be aware of mental health issues and have thoughtful policies and supports available ( I know that such services are often overwhelmed–my point is that the colleges have identified the issue and taken concrete steps to address it) On the whole, this was not hard to find, and schools have really stepped up in this area since I was in college, long ago.
One of the colleges she has added to her list is not (to my mind) a good fit overall for her. On the tour, I think she was enamored by the physical campus and missed the info I latched onto about school culture. Additional research has shown me that this school has an abysmal record on mental health. While they seem to have realized the importance of this issue and have very recently added some campus supports, the too-little-too-late aspect of this makes me suspect that it would not be a supportive atmosphere should her mental health issues reappear.
All fine, except that when someone asked yesterday, she listed that school as her favorite. Argh!
I had been planning on playing the “keep my mouth shut” card until it was time to make the actual college choice in the Spring. Now I’m wavering on that.
I need some parental advice on whether to stick to my original plan or speak up now.
I would speak up now. Your daughter may be different, but if it was me I would be upset if my parent or manager didn’t voice their concerns in the beginning and then veto it at the end after I have spent so much time on something.
I would tell her about your concerns about the school now. If she likes it so much then she could do some research to convince you why it is still a good fit for her. I used to do that with my kids when they were in high school. As an example, D2 wanted to go on a senior trip to Cancun. I listed all of my concerns and she showed me how those concerns could be mitigated. We compromised by going on the trip with her, but stayed at another hotel. Now, if I didn’t say anything while they were planning on the trip and then at the last minute to tell her she couldn’t go would be unfair.
I would speak up before applications are sent, and give your daughter a chance to explain her point of view.
In the Thumper household…applications were only sent to colleges where the Thumper parents were going to say YES if the student chose that college. All “vetting” of schools happened prior to applications being sent.
I am curious…what is the “campus culture” you picked up on that your daughter didn’t see?
Re: the mental health issues…those need to be well managed before she goes off to college.
My daughter is also a senior so I can relate… we have had ongoing conversations about fit and what we and she thinks makes for a good fit for her. My husband and I are both engineers - and daughter wants to study engineering in college - so spreadsheets are our go-to for things like this. We have a sheet with all the potential colleges listed and many many categories across the top - right now, all info is quantitative but I can definitely envision a situation where we add importance/weighting factor and then a subjective value in a variety of categories to get some to bubble to the top. (Of course you can somewhat manipulate the results.)
Maybe put together a chart of the potential schools with some important for her and you characteristics and start ranking or scoring the schools.
My advice is to speak up now - but guide her to come to the same conclusion you have by showing her the information that led you to that conclusion.
Oh and be prepared for favorites to change over the next months… my daughter has rotated through several favorites!
I’m a big fan of keeping my mouth shut when it comes to this stuff, but I think this is something I would talk about. This isn’t “you like to eat late at night and the dining halls close early” - this is much more important. But I would say “this is ultimately up to you and I will support your choice, but I want you to know about my misgivings and make sure you’ve considered this aspect that’s very important” and why you think it’s important.
My son has been responsive to some culture concerns I have voiced (for example, frat culture at Wake Forest). I think this really depends on how you think your daughter will react to the news…some will push hard against parental opinion, on purpose! Plus, do you think it really is her favorite, or just what she is telling people? (I think some high schoolers might mention their best-known or highest-ranked school as their favorite, even if it isn’t).
If it’s feasible for you, you could always keep in the back of your mind the option to do the accepted-students visit. That seems like a much better way to get a feel of campus culture (if it’s one where they stay overnight).
Is this college located in an area where she can find off-campus therapy if needed? If there is an acceptable Plan B and the school is her favorite, I’d probably voice my concerns but frame it as something she needs to think about.
There are very few schools that manage mental health services even remotely well.
My impression is that you should remain quiet. Let your daughter work through the process. Respect her choices. Why object and add stress to a situation when she has found happiness & excitement in the process ?
Once decisions are in, then it is time to have a talk if you are still concerned about her choice–which is likely to change.
In short, better to add alternatives then to criticize her choices.
Your D could be at a college with the most fabulous culture (for her) and the most fabulous mental health resources, and STILL fall through the cracks. To me, the most important criteria in sorting through her list would be "how quickly could a parent or parent-substitute (Aunt, Uncle she is close to) get to her in case of a crisis, or in case you get a weird feeling after hanging up the phone with her.
Yes, she’ll be an adult. Yes, you won’t get to access her health records unless she gives you permission, etc. But unless she’s in deep denial, she will at some point acknowledge that she has struggled in the past, and that having some support system close by (or reasonable distance) is a good thing, even if she never pulls that cord.
One of my kids was at a college with a reputation for sub-par mental health services. A friend was struggling- really struggling- and a group of friends and roommate sat down with him and said, “We are going to take you to the ER now for an emergency evaluation. You need to tell us if you want to call your parents and let them know what’s been going on, or if you want one of us to make that call, your choice. But we are going to get you evaluated now”.
And they did. Piled into two taxis, friend was admitted for observation, the kids waited in shifts until the parents got there. And they had the brains to pick the hospital with the most extensive psych services in the area. Kid ended up going home for the semester with his parents, taking medical leave, came back, graduated a year late but alive and in shape to fight another day.
I’d weigh in now and insist on one or two schools which you can afford, where she can get admitted, and where you can get there in a couple of hours (max). Even a college with terrific shrinks, accessible therapists, and walk in hours for counseling doesn’t do you any good if your D (or her friends) don’t recognize when she’s struggling and get her over to the health center.
This, times 1,000. If my son hadn’t had family nearby when he went through his mental health crisis (2,500 miles from home), I hate to think what would have happened. You want to feel optimistic that everything is going to work out for your child, but you HAVE to be realistic. The consequences could be devastating, otherwise.
Ask ONE question that could lead her to that information if she follows up on it. Then keep your mouth shut for about two months and then if nothing has changed, ask ONE more question. If she doesn’t see what you see and wants to go there, be at peace.
DeborahB- I’m going to guess you don’t know many parents struggling to get out of bed in the aftermath of a child’s suicide or other terrible mental health crisis (anorexia, severe anxiety, bipolar).
Parents cannot be at peace with a child who makes dangerous decisions- before, during and after. Try some empathy here.
In our discussions about colleges we allow the parents a single college “veto” per child just in case something comes up that’s not anticipated. that’s agreed to up front with the child. That being said, we’ve never had to exercise that option yet. If this were my child I believe firmly in discussing major issues early so that the child is prepared. I try not to be hard nosed about it and so in this case I would say, Hm, I wonder what each school’s mental health services are like. Have we looked into those yet? And then we could sit down and look at each one in turn. That would help the child prepare for the fact that Dream School A has some serious flaws.
I think you need to speak up and let her know your concerns, but even more I think you need to listen as to why she thinks this college is a great choice for her. If it comes down to just the mental health issue, then perhaps the two of you need to come up with a plan to mitigate that concern. My own D20 had chosen a college that I thought was completely wrong for her and that I thought was chosen for all of the wrong reasons. Turns out that she had thought it through more than I realized, including how she was going to get the mental and academic support she might need. Now that I have seen it from her point of view, I realize that it is actually a very good fit for her.
OP - Speak up now. In our household, the college process was a collaboration between student and parent. It’s perfectly fine to discuss your concerns about a college. You have more life experience, and offering guidance during such an important time of transition is part of a parent’s job, in my opinion.
I would bring it up now, the sooner this gets out in the open, the better for everyone involved. The tone is going to be important on this, maybe something like I’m concerned about this school vs. this is the worst mistake you’ll be making, I’m exaggerating but you get the idea. Kids listen to peers more than parents, so if you can enlist a friend, that could work. Good luck.
Well, I feel a little better about being conflicted, since there is not a consensus here.
@deborahb, the idea of slowly leading her to the info is a good one.
@TSO104, I am hoping that an additional visit after acceptance would open her eyes a bit more. And I’m not sure if it is really her favorite or just what she is telling people…if I were totally sure she is set on it, I’d be more concerned but it may just be an easy answer or a passing fancy (which makes me lean toward just wait it out and save my parenting points for later)
The culture issues were that the school is more known for its pre-professional programs (which are very good) while DD is more of a liberal-arts student and is currently undecided. Also, the tour (to me) seemed to indicate that the school culture is all about athletics, not just supporting the team as a bonding factor, but also that athletes get more resources than students in general (and this is not a large famous-team college) My DD is NOT interested in sports at any level, which made me think this was not the school for her. As an example, after touring other colleges that have really cool fitness facilities for general student use, the fact that the (limited) facilities at this school were only available to students “when the teams aren’t using them” (a direct quote) gave me pause. Another area where they seem to be a bit behind the times.
We are going to an open house soon at another school which (I hope) will replace this one as a favorite. It seems to be a better match on paper and has a similar campus feature to what DD admired at current favorite. I may just wait it out for a little longer and see what happens there.
And thanks to all for the mental health-related comments. This is an area that I have looked at extensively. This school was thrown into the mix this summer by her. She was not that interested in the college search previously, so I was happy she was taking some initiative. All of the schools she is applying to are within a day’s drive of home, and the ones that are more than 3 hours away from us are within a couple of hours of close relatives. (She is applying to one that is across the country from us, but I am discounting that one as it has a VERY low acceptance rate and it seems unlikely she would get in) For this school in particular, I think that it is not a good match WITHOUT considering the mental-health aspects. Adding that issue in just tips the scale further.
Most schools send out notifications around April 1 and expect a commitment by May. It leaves very little time to make a decision. This is what I mean by leaving it until last minute (April 1) after your daughter is accepted to let her know the school is not ideal and you are not supportive of her going to that school could be crushing for her.
I specifically asked my D2 to take one college off her list after we visited. She liked it, and I could see why — but I also felt like it would encourage and exacerbate some of her personality traits that may limit her long term employment options and her launch to “adulting”. And I’d add that this was not about her major, but more about the school environment and culture. I talked her through why, and gave her the option to leave it on the list if she still felt strongly. She took it off.
You want to feel optimistic that everything is going to work out for your child, but you HAVE to be realistic. The consequences could be devastating, otherwise.