Since she’s not applying ED, there is time. I think it’s fair to explain your concern and ask what the strategy at each school would be to address that as well as which schools would be least likelyto force her to the breaking point.
Fwiw, most families I know who are sending kids to school who are currently in treatment have made arrangements outside the school, although perhaps in consultation with it, for ongoing private care that works with their insurance (and current provider.)
I would also be really careful to set this up as a dialogue rather than a demand. If there are problems in future, you want her coming to you for help, not avoiding you because you told her so. As hard as it is as a parent, listening without piping up will be key.
Mental health is no joke. College takes whatever mental health issues you may have and makes them 10 times worse. Whatever school she goes to, she needs to have access to treatment, whether it’s on or off campus. If there are clinics off campus, she needs to have access to transportation. The problem is that college students get too busy and almost always neglect their mental health. Speak up. I usually recommend that kids who have a history of mental health issues to avoid going away to college. If she gets sick during her first or second semester, along with the risks to her health, there would be academic damage. It’s better to prevent it from happening than have to clean up the mess later.
My kids aren’t dealing with emotional issues so forgive me for stepping into this with less knowledge than many BUT i would not say anything. I mean, how would it be worded? You’ve had mental health issues in the past and i want to make sure that you’ll be at a good place should they come up again? I would think that would be such a discouraging mindset for a 17-year-old who’s happy and excited about new directions.
If you say nothing:
She might not get into the school anyway.
Or she might get into the school but not like it by January (it's early days right now)
Or she might get into the school, still like it, go there, and find good solutions should anything come up.
I would be there for support in every possible way…but not intercede at this point.
What sources have you read, that have led you to be concerned? If you have found a particular article that sums up the issues well (or if you can find one - perhaps an editorial in the student paper?) then showing it to her and asking what she thinks about it could be a good way to open up the conversation. Then it’s the two of you discussing the merits of someone else’s opinion/concerns, rather than immediately setting up a difference of opinion between you and her. It needn’t be just about “What if YOU have a mental health crisis?” - it can also be about her future friends, her future community - is this a healthy setting where people can get the support they need?
I would suggest that at some point you have a talk about what things you both think you will need to consider when it comes time to make a final choice of colleges (FWIW I think this is a talk every parent should have with their college bound seniors.) It can include a discussion of any financial limitations, geographic restrictions etc. Let her know you will want to check out the mental health center at colleges she is considering attending in case she needs some support at college. Be sure to also ask your D what things are important to her as well. You can probably do it without talking about any specific colleges.
In that same conversation I’d encourage her to not latch onto one favorite/dream and reiterate that in the spring you will assess her choices together, do any additional research that may be necessary, and see how the different colleges fit into the criteria that is important to all of you.
I am not a fan of hardline vetoes for decisions that won’t officially be made until much later. But there has to be other schools that have been applied to that can work in case. Basically I feel at this point keep all options open. My D19 applied to a school a friend said she would never send her child there because of safety. I am not saying anything at this point because I doubt she will want to go there.
There are so many factors that go into this decision that schools can be thrown out quick or rise up the list quick.
I’ll be speaking my mind. DD will make her own choices where to apply (plus the one “parent pick” school) and where to attend - we’re fully behind that. We’ll always be there for her. She knows we have spent years saving for her education, so it would not be too much to ask for a few minutes of her full attention and consideration of how that nest egg will be spent. I expect most kids would find that reasonable.
You don’t even need to reference the previous mental health issues: “Many kids find adjusting to college stressful. It’s important to us as a family that you are in a place which can help you deal with these challenges”.
Plenty of times I told D2 an outright No. But she already understood my framework and reasoning. And I knew she wouldn’t respond well, in the moment or for the rest of time, if I blurted out, “You’ve got mental health issues.” (She did have an array of issues and she knew it. But she was very sensitive to what she felt was criticism or lack of faith in her. Talk about walkingon eggshells.)
Why not base this on the liberal arts interests? I believe some kids need these concerns to be phrased in a way they can grasp. Have her look at the course catalog, discuss her particular interests. Are there enough courses, offered often enough? If it’s a pre-professional school, look into how many kids leave on weekends. Get her thinking about social life, too. Maybe academic support. That may give you an opening to discuss emotional support.
It’s ok to say, “I’d hope you land at a college with all the support you might need. I’m concerned here.” That’s different than telling her she has mental problems.
Parenting differences always amaze me on cc. But you know your child and we don’t. You also know the maturity and mental status of your child. You are also the parent. My daughter has learning disabilities. She was looking and got accepted into multiple BFA programs. We talked to her openly, like the young adult that she is, that she should also be looking at schools with good support for her accommodations should she need them.
Kids listen to their parents suggestions more then we give them credit for. Your daughter has a known mental issue. She will need support at some point. Why hide this fact that is so evident? Maybe I am missing something here. Call the schools she is interested and ones she is applying to and see what type of support they offer.
When making college decisions we also used a spreadsheet. We put down everything from financials to support. It was very extensive. When you are looking at colleges you are looking for the best fit for your child. Size of campus, culture on-campus even if the food is any good. Why wouldn’t you make mental health a priority?
This is NOT something that needs to be put on the back burner until an additional visit after acceptance. First, if this college truly isn’t a good fit, then by not addressing the issues sooner, it may be possible that your child doesn’t apply to a college that is a better fit. Second, once the acceptances come in, the excitement overshadows rational decision making. Go for the second visit now, and make sure to speak to people who can help both parents and student fully understand the resources that may or may not be available. I would suggest speaking with both university personnel as well as students who may be using the resources (if you happen to know someone or if the student agrees to be contacted).
Yes! I found that my kids were relieved once their issues were known. Ignoring it or tiptoeing around it will only make it worse. It’s 2018 - mental health concerns don’t need to stay in the closet. When I speak for NAMI around the state, I’m often asked about stigma. I can honestly reply that we’ve had very few problems - people seem to understand these days that mental illness is an ILLNESS, not a moral failing.
Not hiding things. But the delivery right for your child. One of the harder lessons in parenting a kid with issues is what works. Each is different and in addition to their issues, has sensitivities. No one hid D2’s problems. They were smack in our face. But she responded better to an approach that let her think, see for herself.
Actually I do, and experience within my own family as well with mental health issues.
Here are the reasons I say what I do – OP is not able to say with certainty - as no one could - whether or not the issues would be addressed well – she is working with data and her best reasoning and I trust her judgment, but how a specific situation will be handled if it does happen isn’t something we can ever really know in advance. The change in one key position in a university setting or even just one counselor who cares could make the difference. And we don’t really know how effective her child would be in getting to the right people. There are too many variables.
That is why I suggest the questions rather than trying to directly control the situation.
In addition, one aspect of mental health is learning to take charge of your life and feel more in control. Having a parent using “veto” or constantly questioning the child’s judgment doesn’t build the child’s confidence. I think this discussion doesn’t fully address the downside of overly influencing your child.
If the child loves the school and goes in enthusiastically and confidently, this is REALLY important to the actual success.
Further, the relationship between the parent and child is SO incredibly important, and the college selection process can result in either a stronger or weaker relationship, and it is important to the child that it be stronger, especially with mental health history.
We just have to fully weigh the situation and it is complex.
@tutumom I like the idea of a second visit now especially if the child is receptive to the idea that this is important for her, and SHE could investigate it for herself. Mom could even NOT go to the meeting about this topic so that Mom gives child the message that YOU CAN HANDLE THIS.
The reality is that mental health services are NOT evenly distributed across the country; are not equally accessible form every college campus (whether provided by University health services or providers/clinicians off campus in the area) and in some parts of the country (sadly) getting a referral can mean waiting weeks for an appointment unless a kid needs hospitalization and treatment in-patient.
That’s reality. Kid loves school- sure, that’s a factor. Kid wants to be in charge of her own life and being in control, absolutely important. Relationship between parent and child- of course, incredibly important.
But it is naive to assume that every campus or every college or every college town in America is equally safe for a kid who may at some point need help, support, or an intervention. Because it’s just not true.
Yes- a kid can be in a place with tremendous resources and not reach out for help. Of course that happens. But what happens to a kid who DOES reach out and the resources are just not there? Do you want your college kid spending two hours a week taking a bus back and forth to campus for a therapy appointment because that’s the closest provider? Do you want a kid who actually needs a psychiatrist to prescribe or monitor, ending up with a random family medicine doc who only knows what he or she has read online about antidepressants and side effects? or to have the kid self-medicate (very common) with god knows what because she’s seeing a social worker with a certificate in counseling but can’t get an appointment with an MD?
I say to the OP- if your instincts say that your D has some solid choices on the list, and one “anything but this” choice, it won’t harm your relationship with your D to express your concerns.
Wouldn’t it be great if mental health resources were was where they need to be? But it ain’t, and pretending doesn’t make it so.
Honestly I do not think you should keep your mouth shut. I believe there should be open and honest discussions throughout the entire process. It doesn’t have to be an outright veto, but a discussion.
As in “Here are my concerns about this school”
You can have that discussion about all of the schools on the list.
I can’t tell you the number of times we had those discussions and my kids pushed back at the time. However, almost every time, after a couple of weeks of thinking about it they came back to us and said “After thinking about it I don’t think that’s the right choice for me”
“I want you to pick a school that doesn’t just meet your needs academically, but also gives you the support you need to get through all 4 years.”
The other thing I would counsel you is if you think she will need support iwth mental health issues, don’t have her go to college too far away. It is easier to support/check on/go get them if you are nearish by.
Here are my thoughts on choosing a school with a kid with anxiety (as my DD has), but it could be helpful for any mental illness.
Too many students/parents don’t take the mental health needs into account…they just act like all is ok and they just can pick any school they want. Read hear on CC and you see the students with anxiety, depression or other mental health issues.