<p>I don’t have much to add, but my hat off to all parents who stand by their kids. Those kids are very lucky.</p>
<p>Replying to missiepie,
Tall, short, blond, smart, are characteristics of the person. Lazy, dishonest are habits of thought that the person will continue to have until he/she sees that there are different habits that will serve them better. Once that happens, a determined person can institute different habits of thought and behavior. The hard part is not changing the behavior - the hard part is finding the leverage to help the person see that there is a more effective set of behaviors for him/her, based in his/her goals and desires, not yours. Then the person may find there are old traumas and conclusions based on those traumas that need to be re-experienced and re-examined, in order to be free of the past and ready to choose new patterns and behaviors. But that won’t happen without the motivation of seeing that there is a better way of living available, even if it may require that he/she cleans up some old messes. So keep that hope out there and your knowledge that your child can get more of what he/she wants by adopting a better strategy. Someday, he/she may be ready to see, and your consistent support may be part of the reason, and then great things can happen.</p>
<p>“A bit disconcerting to read all the stories that kids came around because their mother never stopped believing in them.”</p>
<p>My parents never, never thought I would do the things I’ve done. They believed in me to the extent that they never gave up on trying to help me, but they had very moderate goals for me – like maybe I would someday become a manager at the place where I had a customer service job after high school. They were flabbergasted by the way I turned it around. I was, too, actually.</p>
<p>You don’t have to believe that your kid’s going to win a Nobel prize in order to be supportive. Just that they have the potential to live a stable, independent life if they start making different choices.</p>
<p>“the hard part is finding the leverage to help the person see that there is a more effective set of behaviors for him/her, based in his/her goals and desires, not yours”</p>
<p>^^ Ain’t that the truth.</p>
<p>One book you might find interesting is “Beautiful Boy: A Father’s Journey Through His Son’s Addiction” by David Sheff. Sheff is a journalist who honestly chronicles the struggle between being supportive and setting boundaries for an addicted child.</p>
<p>OK, that book is interesting but I found it far from helpful. His son wrote his own story and the differences between them are astounding.</p>
<p>That’s interesting. I wonder if the son’s version is different because he is still in denial? I remember reading somewhere that the son’s sobriety has been an ongoing challenge.
What I found compelling about the book was that the father describes how hard it is to know what the right approach is as a parent, especially as the new lows get lower and scarier (stealing from the younger sibling’s piggy bank, stealing from family friends, homelessness, male prostitution).</p>
<p>Hugs to all who have travelled and are still on this journey! I hope you have the courage and serenity to continue to do what you believe is best for you and your loved ones through these challenging times. Hoping better times are ahead for everyone!</p>
<p>I would think the son’s story would be different (though I have not read either book.) Te person I knew dealing with a kid’s drug use, well, the kid’s view of things that happened was less grounded in reality because when those nasty things happened, he was high or wanting to be. He was in no mindset to view things accurately!! And when he did turn things around, those bad times were sort of a blur almost like a dream, easily dismissed; whereas they were remembered in stunning crystal clear detail by the parent. So, yeah, memories would be different.</p>
<p>It alternates chapters between a mother and daughter. It’s very sobering (no pun), but ultimately an uplifting story.</p>
<p>We seem to have shifted away from breaking the law , to drug use . My OP son,was arrested for moving drugs from point A to point B .He hasn’t ever been so addicted that he needed a rehab program -I think the reason he moved this package was that he thought he could get away with it. He had tried this once before,and been successful .Perhaps the motivation here is more thrill seeking than addiction .Of course I love him dearly,and we are very close.He has little contact with his dad. When he was 3, he saw alot of violence on the part of his dad towards me,which I believe has profound and lasting effects.I left after that with him,and eventually I met the wonderful man I have been married to now for 24 years. I feel there is irreparable damage to my son,and 27 years later, I still feel awful about what happened to both of us.I am posting this now if there are women in abusive situations, who are trying to hang on to an awful relationship ,to get out while you can.</p>
<p>I’m so very sorry. And you make a good point.</p>
<p>fauxmaven, what do you think he should do next?<br>
It doesn’t sound like you think he needs drug or alcohol counseling, but it does sound like you believe he has some unresolved childhood issues. Is it time for him to address those feelings in counseling now?</p>
<p>Good question ,Silliconemom .I am not sure,but I don’t think son feels he needs counseling at this point.We did a lot back then, and more as a teenager .I am waiting to see what happens next !Thanks for asking.</p>