<p>Perhaps there is a column for kids who are not doing well in life,not physically,but the kids who can't seem to find the path they were meant to follow .My son I am referring to is the one who spent 8 months in a detention center in China.I have mentioned him on several posts, and he has been home for a while,doing odd jobs here and there .He had an apartment until a few months ago,when he was fired for something I am not clear about .He is now 30,and drifting ......He started out so well, with an internship on a major TV station,then got his dream job in China,working in television.He made a stupid mistake,was arrested,lost his job, eventually deported and never charged .I want to help him,but he doesn't want any advice.Anybody been in my shoes?Appreciate any ideas. I am NOT intent on any particular path.I just want to see him happy and self-supporting !</p>
<p>fauxmaven - No advice, just wishing for the best for him (and you). My heart goes out to you.</p>
<p>Been there done that. And unfortunately, he is going to have to step back on the path by himself. I can assure you it won’t be fast enough, smooth enough, or straight enough. It is a long road and will challenge the concept of unconditional love. My son strayed for years, and is just now seeing the wrongs in his detours. Good luck to you. Lots of hugs and I went to a counselor for myself during that time, and it helped.</p>
<p>Fauxmaven…I also commiserate. Ds has had a hard time lately as a recent grad without a clear direction. Nothing like what your son went through but we moms are all the same. We want our kids to be settled and happy. Agree with above poster that counseling might help you…</p>
<p>Cyber-hugs to you and your son. One of the most important things my mom ever said to me was “I believe in you”. That’s what I really needed to hear…just that she had faith in me when I felt like I couldn’t do anything right and my self-confidence was at an all-time low. It wasn’t quite the same as what your S has been through, but similar from a dream and ego-crushing standpoint, and she said it with such sincerity and pride that I resolved to pick myself up and just get on with it. The getting on with it helped alot too…</p>
<p>I have seen some kids of friends crash & burn, some have learned their lessons, some have not, in neither case has the journey been easy, but especially sad are the ones who have not yet hit bottom. Two of them were arrested, one continued on to more arrests and is still floundering, the other was shocked into turning his life around.</p>
<p>I don’t know what to tell you about how to help someone who spent 8 months “locked up” to see that it is time to get their act together; you must feel like that should have been shock enough.</p>
<p>But, I can say from watching the couple of kids who did turn their lives around, that it was painful and slow. This was a brilliant kid who just plain screwed up and was very disappointed in himself. He had to rebuild self-confidence one little tiny baby step at a time, doing things that would have been far beneath the old version of himself.</p>
<p>One mom & I spoke regularly at that time and her tactic was to view her son as being down in a hole, a valley and herself on the mountain. She could help him get back up by shining a light on the route, by tossing him a map, but he had to climb out (do the work) himself. She said that when she had to make the every day tiny decisions, she tried to evaluate by that metaphor. She felt he really had to rebuild his belief in himself and that she could not fix that for him, but she could see the big picture and she was not in the doldrums, as he was, so she could point out the way and help him navigate the complicated parts of life.</p>
<p>My brother wandered off his path as well. </p>
<p>He managed to fail out of two colleges (too much partying), then got a fairly good job as a courier for a law firm. But then I think he became depressed after a bad break-up. He got himself fired from his job, and eventually was living in an apartment where the electricity and cable had been shut off, and the only reason he wasn’t evicted was that his landlady was 90 years old and my parents were sending her the rent. We know he used a wide variety of substances. (I believe for a few weeks he did live in his truck). At the time, he was in Arizona and my parents were on the East Coast. </p>
<p>Eventually he admitted he needed help, and my dad drove cross country to get him and bring him back. My cousin was working for a company that installs water and sewer mains, and hired him. It is hard work in all kinds of weather, but eventually my brother found his way back to self-respect and self-sufficiency. He is now a supervisor with that utility installation company, and knows he threw away chances for an easier job with more pay by failing out of college. But he has a nice wife and a stable life. </p>
<p>Not a lot of advice, except that your S may have to hit bottom before he finds his way back up. My parents waffled back and forth - wanting to help my brother, but not wanting to enable him. Every time one parent was ready to give up on him, the other parent would say “not yet,” (and it varied, sometimes Mom had all she could take, and sometimes it was Dad). Now he lives a mile from Dad, and he was a huge help when Mom was terminally ill. He has finally grown up. (He moved back East and began improving around his 30th birthday).</p>
<p>{{hugs}}</p>
<p>{HUGS} It’s clear that you have been through the wringer with your S and are still trying to figure out your role in all of this as you move forward. I have never been in your shoes, but have found that seeing a counselor during challenges in my life has been quite helpful in keeping perspective. Others have mentioned that is has helped them as well, so I’d suggest you at least consider it and maybe try an appointment or two with one or two different ones to see if it might be useful for you.</p>
<p>We will all keep you, your S & family in our thoughts and prayers. Hang in there–you are stronger than you know!</p>
<p>My DH had a near perfect score on the SAT, but never went past high school. He worked in motorcycle shops and partied very hard. When I met him he was an alcoholic, drug-addicted, unemployed guy with an amazing resemblence to Howard Stern. It took someone believing in him and nowhere else to run to the turned him around. He is now an amazing dad, husband, employee, person. I know that we both wish he had taken an easier route, but he is the man that he is today because of his screw ups. At some point his parents had to pull away, and he had to live on his own. He realized he wasn’t the prodigy anymore. Not all of our friends from our 20s are successful. We know many people that have wasted their lives, but it can get better.</p>
<p>There are two people both of whom are in my immediate family. The first one became addicted to heroin by the time he was 19. He spent a short time on Rikers Island and a couple of years in a residential rehab center. When he got out he was unemployable but clean, and it was evident that he wanted to stay that way. He realized that the one thing that had not changed was that he wanted to earn a good living. He found a business and with very little discussion he asked my parents to loan him the money. They did and in less than a year he paid them back. Today he is one of the finest men I have ever known. The years of his addiction and subseqent arrest were horrible and he had overdosed and nearly died a couple of times. He is a wonderful father and the best son that any parent could dream of. All he needed was the money to start a business and he worked his tail off to make a go of it. Today he is a multi millionaire with a wonderful loving wife and family.
The second person I know was arrested in his early 20’s on multiple charges that could have led to at least 18 years in jail. His parents retained a very good attorney and he ended up with a very long probation period. His teaching license was revolked, and he too had to start over. Again with his parents help he went back to school and studied something that did not need any kind of federal or city clearance. He went on to have a successful career. He married a terrific woman and together they have great kids.</p>
<p>In both cases, the young men needed the help of their parents to make them whole again. They each did the long hard road but it did’nt end just because the drugs had ended. It took money and support to get them started in jobs/businesses that convicted felons could have a shot at. There is not a day that goes by where I don’t thank the powers at be and my parents for the long hard journey and support they gave my brother. He is trully remarkable. In both cases it was the parents to see them through that period that made all the difference in the world. </p>
<p>I feel for you and know that what you are going through with your son is taking its toll on you. If he is clean and you feel he has trully made the adjustments needed to make a new start than I hope the above two stories will help. My brothers story would make a great Hallmark movie because I have never seen a person make such a turn around. My father is still alive and my brother could not make him prouder or more grateful. It really can happen and it happens to those people who went astray but came from familys with alot of love and an endless supply of hope. Your son could have that too.</p>
<p>I just want to add a little something, when my daughter started to exhibit some troubling signs I went to my father who is very old right now. His words made me realize that we are nothing in life if we can’t do everything in our power to create the best kids we can. They may go astray and there is little we could do about that but we can help them to pick themselves up so they can make themselves whole again. My husband and I are lucky dear old dad is still here to remind us that my daughters journey may have bumps but we are here and as long as we are we will use our energy to see her through. It is’nt easy but there is no greater joy than knowing they are alright. Just don’t give up Faux…you have it in you and I would guess that your son does too.</p>
<p>Sorry Fauxmaven.I’m only 19,yet I realize someday if I don’t retain the focus I have on my life presently,I may put my parents in the same situation as you,and that would break my heart.I’ll pray for him.Be blessed.</p>
<p>My brother was always in trouble for one thing of another. He was the gifted h.s. athlete whose horrible grades were overlooked ( if he were tested today he would surely have ADHD). Brother got a football scholarship and went to a college he had no business attending. He was back home after one semester. He was smoking a lot of pot.</p>
<p>Our father died that Spring. Brother’s drug use escalated as he drifted from one thing to another…living at home with mother and me off and on. He finally got arrested two years later for selling drugs to an undercover agent. He was 22. My mother hired a lawyer and went to court with him. Brother got off on probation and a fine. </p>
<p>Finally he got a job in construction in a college town an hour from home and moved there permanently. He was still partying but he was managing to support himself. He found that buidling/construction was his thing. He also met a nursing student from the univ. She was somewhat of a free spirit herself so did not condemn him for his failures but was determined that it was going to stop. They got married in 1979. She changed his life.
He never did finish college but rose through the ranks of the construction industry and is now a director of facilities at a big state u. He’s still married to that wife who first believed in him and has two great kids and all the regular stuff that goes along with it.<br>
Our mother stuck by him through it all though she never let herself become a victim of his waywardness. I think his future wife coming into his life is what changed him for good. </p>
<p>Hugs to you fauxmaven and hopes that your S will soon find something/someone to set him on the right path for his life.</p>
<p>Knowing I have all this support is very empowering !I am going to drop off the map for awhile while I fly away and visit my 90 year old mom who is computer free,and I have no lap top,but I will be back! Dad is psychologist,which is why I am pretty together in all this.I love the idea about stressing I BELIEVE…I do thing he will turn around someday…</p>
<p>fauxmaven, best wishes. Our drifting son actually found his job and moved on with his life when we were out of town. While I was there he just seemed to be resisting anything I tired to do to help. When we were gone, he put the things I had been saying to work in his own way and landed a job he loves and within then month moved out on his own. Here’s sending good thoughts your way.</p>
<p>Just want to say, as a parent with two Ses who are currently straying, this thread is very inspirational.</p>
<p>Good luck, fauxmaven! </p>
<p>This bad economy has made it hard for some recent college grads to gain some traction when it comes to starting their “adult” lives. So there seems to be more drifting nowadays than I’ve seen before. Your son is not alone.</p>
<p>What wonderfully inspiring stories, it has compelled me to share one of my own. My nephew to whom I was always very close to as of around 15 started going astray much to his parents dismay…oh how they tried. Alcohol turned to pot and pot turned to other experimentation…suffice to say him graduating was nothing short of a miracle, they went through A LOT during his senior year just to get him to that point. Right after when everyone was heading to college, he headed for rehab. </p>
<p>This craziness went on and off for about 2 years. When he finally emerged from a successful stint, he was clean and ready to start living. Starts college locally only to relapse, goes into another rehab for almost a year (including a half way house) At this point he is about 22-23 and in his eyes way behind his peers. </p>
<p>Finally almost 4 years later, starts working part time and going to school at night. (with a brief stint doing community service abroad) FINALLY he is onto something. Fast forward 4 years later and he meets a great girl who is going to law school, she greatly helps him turn his life around. And, he finally kicked a lifelong habit of alcohol and drugs, all the while being active in AA meetings to keep him in line. He finally graduates at around 27, and lo and behold shocks everyone when he announces he wants to attend law school.</p>
<p>Sure enough he gets in and does fabulously. Today he is married, 2 darling kids, a doting and loving wife (same gal) and just made partner in a prestigious law firm in Philadelphia. NO ONE in our family would have ever thought this was possible given his early start. EVERYONE stopped believing and kind of gave up on him EXCEPT his parents. They stuck by him, many many thousands of dollars later, many tears and sleepless nights, so much heartache and today they beam with pride over who he has become and I think it is that much sweeter knowing what it took for him to get there.</p>
<p>As they say its not how you start but how you finish. Success, maturity and finding one self does not have an age, for some its 18 others it could be 33…I think the key is having someone or some people that just dont’ stop believing, that are willing to hold on for all the bumps in the road and exhaust themselves with love and belief. </p>
<p>Having gone through a rough period with my own daughter, this particular story really resignated with me and I decided to be that one person who wouldn’t give up and made sure she always knew it, even at her lowest points. Today, thank God she is in a great place and I am eternally grateful. I really really hope your son finds his destiny and I will keep you in my prayers. Has the peace corps or military ever been a possibility?</p>
<p>Very difficult thread to read. My son is nearing 20 and the fear is setting in. A bit disconcerting to read all the stories that kids came around because their mother never stopped believing in them. Sometimes I think I’m close to there…can you be realistic and admit that your child is dishonest or lazy and still be a positive influence?</p>
<p>{{{HUGS}}} missypie. I know you are an incredibly supportive parent! You must be having a down time. Sending good thoughts and prayers your way!</p>
<p>Missypie, It is hard when they lie, cheat, and steal. I watched my parents lay in a bed with my brother withdrawing from heroin for over a week. They visited him in jail and they sat by his bed when he over dosed twice…once he needed to be paddled because his heart stopped. It was the most remarkable love I had ever seen and yet they did not enable him. They reached a point, prior to all of the above, when they had to put him out, but because of all the love they had given him prior to that day he came back when he hit the very bottom. I guess he knew that there would be no other people to go to that could help him when he was looking at a long term jail sentence. It was my parents that stayed with him during the withdrawal and it was them who found the drug rehab that eventually saved him from a very long jail sentence. </p>
<p>They learned from the rehab that to enable the junkie or the kid with the bad behavior means that you will revisit it over and over. They never told my brother but after the hell they had gone through with him they had already known that if he fell off again he was on his own completely. I don’t know if that ever would have really happened because my brother never touched drugs again. </p>
<p>I do believe that sometimes the bottom is the only place that allows someone to pick themselves up from, in cases where alcohol and drugs are an issue. In my daughters case, I had to adopt the same thinking and I did need to tell her. When my daughter came home in the summer I told her she was welcomed to be here provided she understood what we would accept. She had the option to leave and we were prepared not to stop her (I felt like I was crushed saying that). Today I am praying (I do alot of that) that my daughter will turn out to be a wonderful lady…proud and strong and self sufficient. I can’t say it is easy having a near adult child in our home(20 years old) but she is growing as a person, attends school, looks to be excited about school, holds part time jobs where she is very well liked, and hopefully will have satisfactory grades this semester since she joined a sorority. There were days I thought I could not or would not put up with another day of her crap and there was an incident that had landed me in the hospital a few months back. Throughout this period I thought of my brother and uncle and realized that if I don’t do it now I may never have the chance to do it again because I could lose her. I know what you mean about the trust issue. I had to buy a safe for my home and found myself putting more and more things in it. I could not trust her and I knew she whould take what she wanted if she thought she could get away with it. I did not make her feel comfortable but I did let her know that beyond anything else in the world I could not stand losing her and I would find anyone anywhere that could help…providing she wanted to turn her life around. I guess she did because she seems to be doing so much better and I can actually talk to her like a person now. Is she grateful or does she realize what we have done…maybe…I really don’t know. I am not sure that I really care right now because all I need to know is that she is whole. I want to know that one day when it is my time to leave this world I have left behind four good people that can make it on their own. I am sorry that I am going on but today actually marks a very important day so I guess I am reliving the worst of what we went through. Hang in there missyie and Faux…Just a few months ago I was sure I was going to have a homeless kid but things are turning around. I just keep praying that I will never run out of whatever it takes to ensure that she is really getting all the help she needs.</p>