Last Minute UC prompt 1 HELP?

<p>Yep. I'm wrote this today partly because of my procrastination habit and partly because it is a painful memory.
Please provide me with some feedbacks!</p>

<p>Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>

<p>It was night. With a loud bang my bedroom door flung open. A naked man strolled by and began defecating in my bathroom. The intruder was my stepfather. Overwhelmed by his job lost and underwater mortgages, my stepfather fell into bottomless misery after the financial crisis of 2008. Experiencing how my stepfather become a broken man and dealing with the consequences changed my life forever, I am motivated to control my destiny. I want to become a fearless person.</p>

<p>My world is shaped by my trials with my stepfather and my family’s struggle after we left him. As my stepfather lost his property one by one, his mind became further degenerated: he began roaming around the house in only briefs. Coming home from school was miserable for me because I was afraid of what my stepfather might do. My only safe haven was behind the locked doors; however, my stepfather removed my bedroom door and shattered my false sense of security. My mother tried to reason with him, but her efforts were fruitless.</p>

<p>Urinating on my towel was the last straw. My mother and I left the house without any belongings. We called the police to escort is to collect our belongings, but the police never came. As I watched the house’s lights turning off, it occurred to me that my stepfather would forever live within me if I continued to be a coward. Gritting on all the mettle I have, I rang the doorbell. All my fears withered away when I saw the cadaverous man standing before me. It felt almost silly to fear a man who could only vent his frustration at his family; a man who could only lash out his own failures on others. In my stepfather’s silent acquiesce, we swiftly packed our belongings and left.</p>

<p>We faced an eclectic array of challenges in our new life, which includes trying to a place to rent with no credit card history and walking an hour to and from work. I was not afraid of these obstacles because I knew fear circumscribes people in poverty. I have witnessed how the fear of future contributed to my stepfather’s downfall, and I am determined to control my own fear.</p>

<p>My reluctance to give in to fear aspired me to control my own destiny, one that involves receiving a college education. Instead of dwelling on the possibility of contingencies, I will try my best to escape the world contorted by poverty and hopelessness. </p>

<p>This is a well written essay. With that said, PLEASE do not post your personal work onto public forums. People WILL get desperate and plagiarize and invalidate your work. Post for help, and look for people with longstanding history on CC to review your work. </p>

<p>Yeah I’d suggest asking administrators to delete your post or at least update it with something thats not your actual essay</p>

<p>@lucky2012 I posted this essay because it is my rough draft and it’s really bad compared to my prompt 2. Having said that, how do I remove this?</p>

<p>“We faced an eclectic array of challenges in our new life, which includes trying to a place to rent with no credit card history and walking an hour to and from work. I was not afraid of these obstacles because I knew fear circumscribes people in poverty. I have witnessed how the fear of future contributed to my stepfather’s downfall, and I am determined to control my own fear.”</p>

<p>Consider focusing the body of your essay on what you have done since leaving. What challenges you had, how have you overcome them, and what lessons you’ve learned. Consolidate the first three paragraphs into one and leave out “information that is more than admissions would want to know”.</p>

<p>And remember to answer the second part of the prompt: “tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations”.</p>

<p>Hope this helps. Best of luck! : )</p>

<p>I don’t know if you submitted this essay yet.</p>

<p>Pros: The third sentence grabs my attention.
Cons: It relies on shock factor which may go over poorly with someone else.</p>

<p>Overall I feel you need to cut a lot of stuff about your parents and really focus on your own actions. </p>

<p>I agree with bomerr re: slimming down the part about your parents. What happened to you is a starting point for the real meat of the essay. Like your writing style tho :)</p>