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He insisted on going to a very competitive college and is now a junior with a 2.6 GPA.
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<p>Chopper, it sounds like your S will graduate. It's probably impossible for him to pull up to a "good" GPA at this point since he already has so many hours. So far, he's passed all of his classes. Dropping classes is allowed. You are right; you have to leave his destiny in his somewhat incapable hands. :-)</p>
<p>For what it's worth, when my H graduated 27 years ago, he had about a 2.01 (they let you graduate with a 2.0 in those days). He had throw himself at the mercy of a professor when he earned a D in a class his last semester which would have kept him from graduating.</p>
<p>He is now very successful at his job and regularly wins awards at work. He still procrastinates way too much and isn't the best at prioritizing. Nevertheless, he earns a good income and enjoys his job.</p>
<p>Your S is a smart guy or he wouldn't be at that competitive college. After he graduates, he'll likely continue to use his smarts just like does now to keep passing his classes by the narrowest possible margins.</p>
<p>Please remind me of this when I write in to wail about my S who will go to college soon and may have a similar college career as your S's!</p>
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Kids need three things to excel in sports (and life I think, which is why I'm posting this)</p>
<ul>
<li>natural ability (more phyical in sport, more mental in school)</li>
<li>enjoyment</li>
<li>emotional discipline</li>
</ul>
<p>Each of these is about equally important. All three legs of the stool have to be strong to hold the weight of competitive sport, or competive academics.
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<p>That's great stuff, DunninLA! It makes perfect sense. Here's the thing though....can someone who does not have emotional discipline acquire it? I don't think so. </p>
<p>So, then what? Is it maybe that he has to settle for being "an amateur player" rather than a pro? If an emotionally disciplined kid loved basketball but was short and uncoordinated, at some point we'd sit down with him and say, "Son, it's time to face up to the fact that you're never gonna play in the NBA." Do we likewise need to sit down and talk with our emotionally undisciplined child and say, "Son, even if you get accepted, you can't compete at an upper tier school. We need to find a place at which you can be successful."?</p>
<p>One of the things that sustains me in my darkest child-fueled moments is to realize that kids I knew growing up who had many struggles and issues far greater than my son's are all okay now; they all found their way to contentment and respectability. The kids who dropped out of high school... they are all gainfully employed and are doing okay for themselves. The kids who drifted... they are also all gainfully employed and doing okay. They have all found their measure of contentment and satisfaction in life. </p>
<p>There are many paths. There are many colleges. There are many careers and opportunities. </p>
<p>All of our kids will find their way, their own, just-for-them way.</p>
<p>It always seems like I'm swimming against the CC current...</p>
<p>I like graded homework because the vast majority of non-2400 SAT 8-graders benefit by doing regular homework. Also, sometimes life will require you to do things that aren't fun or interesting (that's why it's called "work" and that's why they have to pay us to do it).</p>
<p>My experience is that real life is more similar to homework than to tests. The grinders succeed where the lazy brilliant ones fail. </p>
<p>MSUDad my experience in corporate world is that the most successful however are those that CAN do the grind but are so predisposed not to do it that they find a better way to get the job done :)
IMHO</p>
<p>Timely. . .
Thanks for your encouraging words. Yes, I can only hope that S will one day be a flourishing member of the working world with a good job and good salary. I am still worried about him not finding relevant employment both this summer and after graduation because of his low GPA. He has already shut himself out of most summer internships because they require a minimum 3.0 GPA. And since he's not spending a whole lot of time looking for a summer job, he is likely to find that most are already filled. The early bird catches the worm! But my advice falls on deaf ears.</p>
<p>I have suggested a change of schools and even a change of majors to something easier (he's in engineering) but he says "no". </p>
<p>He wants me to avoid the subject of grades. . . doesn't want to hear that I'm not pleased with his sub-par performance, in light of his abilities. I'm not sure it is possible for me to sit back and totally avoid the subject! Has anyone else figured out a way to muzzle themselves while their child appears to flounder?</p>
<p>Chopper, how much has your talking about grades helped? Looks like... not very much. Maybe keeping that in mind would help you not mention them?</p>
<p>And do you really think NO place will hire him after graduation?! Doubtful. Sure, he may not start out exactly where he'd like to, but he'll find his way. Trust him to do that.</p>
<p>Chopper, S was telling me about a friend from school who graduated in August and is working for catering services at the university making $8/hour. He was a meteorology major with not the greatest grades. </p>
<p>However, another friend's dad said, "Is he nuts?! With a technical degree, my company would hire him!" So, this kid struggled academically for whatever reason, but it seems the main problem is that he just can't make the leap to, "Oh, I can go get a real job now." I wonder if your S is kind of like that with the internships, etc. He just can't get to the point of realizing that he needs to expend a little effort here. It's more comfortable just doing what he's doing.</p>
<p>Also, as far as summer jobs...not all kids do internships and have "good" jobs during the summer. Yes, it would be smart to do that. It could lead into a better job after graduation. But it sounds like he won't do it. What has he done the last couple of summers since he's been in college? I'm guessing he'll do the same this summer.</p>
<p>Are you and H funding your S's education? If so, you might want to think about how low a GPA you are willing to pay for. Let's say it's a 2.5. If S's GPA for any semester falls below a 2.5, you could tell him that you won't pay for the next semester. He'll have to pay for it upfront (he can get a student loan). Then, assuming he makes at least X GPA that next semester, you will reimburse him. However, he'll still have to keep paying for each semester upfront, and you'll only reimburse after he produces the grades. You could even say, "We'll reimburse 100% for a 3.0 or greater, 80% for a 2.8 or greater, etc."</p>
<p>Yes, I know that's scary! But it's tough love, and he'll benefit from it.</p>
<p>owlice. . . yes, I'm sure you are right. Me badgering him has gotten me nowhere except further away from my S. It is just maddening watching him flounder when he is so capable. I just don't know how much of his trouble is ADD and how much is just years of bad habits/lying/lack of drive.</p>
<p>timely. . . yes, we developed the "you pay for bad grades" scenerio his freshman year and totally emptied his bank account. It had no affect except getting him mad at us. He will have to attend summer school this summer because he's behind from dropping courses (his decision to go this summer) and we've made it clear, it's his responsibility financially because it's extra expenses we shouldn't be having. We've even tried the bribery "reward" method. That didn't work either. </p>
<p>Collegemom16. . .we had the discussion about tweaking the meds over Spring Break. He claims he's going to talk to the doctor. That's another area that it's hard to not be involved with. I have to rely on him to make his doctor's appts, fill his meds, and actually TAKE them. I know that's not always happening.</p>
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It is just maddening watching him flounder when he is so capable.
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<p>So maybe treating him like he IS capable, instead of letting him know you think he's screwing up, is what you should be doing. Have some confidence in him. You're his parent; if you don't have some confidence in him, it might be harder for him to hold on to the confidence he has in himself. And I'd say he is, and has been, displaying faith in his own abilities: he's in a competitive college in a very difficult major, and though he isn't soaring the way you think he should be, he's sticking it out. He hasn't given up. I think that's worth a great deal!</p>
<p>It's so hard. I know how maddening it can be! (See first post for details!) Since badgering hasn't worked, it's time for a new strategy.</p>
<p>MSUDad - I hear you, although for many teachers it isn't because "work is supposed to be good for you" graded homework is there so that some of the kids can just pass.
My DH, as a HS chem teacher, would rather run the class with ungraded homework because he believes that chemistry, especially AP chemistry or advanced chem should be a class for college bound students, and at that point they should begin taking responsiblity for their education. That ideal runs headlong into kids who aren't that mature yet, parents who expect better grades than Ds but feel their child can do no wrong and school systems that want to increase the % of kids in AP by shoving in children who aren't ready.</p>
<p>cangel, your H sounds like my son's chemistry teacher (post 38).
There are different schools of thought. Do you allow kids the freedom to choose whether to do the homework or not in high school, hoping they'll develop the habits and philosophy that will lead to success in college? Will forcing homework on kids lead to the same result? IMO, forcing someone to do something usually does not lead to them doing it when given the freedom to choose. If anything, it works in the opposite way. Somehow or another, kids have got to learn how to motivate themselves to do the reading, homework, notetaking, outlining, whatever, without holding the rod over them. I'm not sure when that should begin. Certainly by the time they are in what is supposed to be the equivalent of college courses (APs), they should have the aptitude, motivation, and skills to do those things on their own.</p>
<p>I'm also a proponent of letting them take risks and make some of their own decisions, good or bad, while under the parent's roof, where there is a shoulder to cry on, in case of failure.</p>
<p>My d is just like many of those described here. She has always been disorganized, loses assignments or the parts needed to complete assignments. Has lost almost all motivation this year. Doesn't want to hear about college, wants to go to community college. her standardized tests are also off the charts. I can only thank g-d that she is a good kid, no drugs, etcs. gotta be greatful for somethings.</p>
<p>Yes Owlice and Leslie, it is probably best to look for the "good" things that are happening with my S and be thankful that grades are what we are worried about and not bailing him out of jail or something more serious. Sometimes it helps to be reminded that we need to put things into perspective. </p>
<p>I know my sister in law would love to have a son like mine who is at least still IN college and trying to finish. . . hers failed out, moved back home, and is already on his third or fourth crappy job. </p>
<p>Thanks guys for helping me to see the "half full" glass!</p>