<p>fauxmaven, very happy she’s happy. But I wouldn’t be happy that I was the one she called several times a day. Nobody needs a several times a day call.</p>
<p>To clarify, the BF goes to another college 5 hours away from her, he is a sophomore and they survived his being in college and her in high school. But the other girls thought it strange that she didn’t have the gold stars. She had nothing to do whatsoever with the chart being taken down. That was done when the seniors found out about it and thought that was totally not cool. She is not religious in any way so church groups are out, that is the one area I feel I failed her in but that is a whole other subject. And she is not into politics, loves history but not really into politics. I am wondering about the whole “vibe” thing myself - I know she doesn’t like underage drinking and feels real uncomfortable. But she is not being condescending or anything, she doesn’t say a word, just chooses not to participate. She feels this especially is true d/t being a dance major - she says she needs to keep her body in good shape. Thanks for all the advice, keep it coming because you are all correct, it is hurting Mom too.</p>
<p>My daughter is similar to yours. She won’t drink and won’t smoke because she’s a singer. She is in a suite with 6 others, and it was pretty bad for her at first. She spent time studying, they spent time drinking. They said she was a stick in the mud. They didn’t notice at first that she did a lot of fun things, just things that didn’t involve going to bars. Finally, the rest of the girls have realized that there is a lot of work piling up, and are starting to get somewhat more serious. They still get loud and are distracted easily, DD ends up in the quiet study lounge almost every night.
But they are getting along better. It just took time.</p>
<p>My daughter did not do a lot of “friend making” her first term. She had folks to eat dinner with and such, but weekends weren’t particularly busy. She had a part time job on campus that filled some of the time, and also went to the fitness center or pool everyday…where she met some great people. </p>
<p>We were a bit worried about this but she told us “I need to get this college thing down before I go off and join clubs”. By the end of her freshman year, she had joined a couple of things (it helped that she played in the school orchestra), and also landed a sought after job in the admissions office. THEN she started to branch out…started to join her friends at parties and the like. You know…you can nurse a cup of soda for a LONG time at a party (although my guess is my daughter didn’t do that very often!). </p>
<p>There are many club activities on college campuses. Is your daughter interested in some kind of community service…working on a Habitat project, volunteering at a soup kitchen, or something similar? That would be another way to branch out.</p>
<p>There might be a way to blend or compromise here. Visit the parties early, drink water there in a red cup, be friendly for an hour. Then quietly move on solo to some other scheduled activity of personal interest: club, rehearsal, film series, lecture, whatever. </p>
<p>S-1 attended a “work hard, play hard” school and is a friendly person by nature. He double-majored in Theater/Dance and Music, so his weeknight evenings were wrapped up in rehearsals. His weekends were all about performances. He was busy!</p>
<p>I’d call him a “responsible drinker” to this day, as he enjoys an occasional beer or wine when not otherwise obligated to work. Mostly, though, he works extremely hard in his creative field. </p>
<p>Back in college, many others with majors in science and humanities had huge parties, starting Thursday night and throughout the weekends. Their majors didn’t tie them in for evenings. He developed a style of stopping in on those parties on the way to rehearsals, filled and carried a red cup with water so nobody shoved a drink into his hand, said “hi” to everyone and mingled for around an hour. Other students remembered he had come by and was friendly with them, so he was never considered judgmental of their choices. After the hour, he moved on to his scheduled rehearsals and was cold sober, which as you know is essential to doing well there. It takes great concentration. </p>
<p>Only one time did he return to the big party after rehearsal, much later in the evening. He quickly decided the drunken end-of-the-party time didn’t appeal to him. You know, all the jokes being laughed at like horses weren’t really funny, people were puking and so on. He kept up this friendly “visit the party early” pattern throughout college and made all the friends he wanted, from both the theater and non-theater communities.</p>
<p>All so uncool OP.
I will say that all those people and dorm mates etc will grow up, eventually.
Wait for the high school reunion for sure!
In the meantime. KNOWING that those people will grow up, reconsider your choices. Some come around and really do value your choices. You don’t know it yet.
Forgive the sex chart…it’s not funny right now but may be later (believe me–okay, totally juvenile–it’s a never).
Forgive the people leaving you at dinner–(god almighty, who hasn’t been there!) (man, oh, man…how RUDE!!!)
Don’t get over it but rise above it and give some slack.
There are awesome people out to take their place…</p>
<p>I’m writing because I’ve read a lot of these threads over time, and want to let you know that your daughter is not alone. What typically happens during the freshman year is that the partiers are more obvious that the quieter, more studious nondrinkers, so it appears at first that someone in your daughter’s situation is all by herself. </p>
<p>My daughter is very happy living in a substance-free (healthy living) dorm. The dorm offers various activities for the residents. Does your D’s college offer substance-free dorms?</p>
<p>I can understand why your D is unhappy. I would be unhappy, too, if my acquaintances took advantage of me because I had a car, ignored me, left me at dinner before I was done eating and ostracized me for not engaging in the illegal or risky activities they enjoyed. The only solution is for her to find different acquaintances who share her values and have the potential to become true friends. </p>
<p>Wherever your daughter is in college, I am certain that there are others who share her values–they are just quiet about it because to speak up runs the risk that others will label them as judgmental, even if they are not.</p>
<p>Back in the day, I made friends freshman year by hanging out in the TV lounge when the really popular shows were on (I think it was the year of Remington Steele and Cheers). People would wander in and out, make small talk, chat about the shows and, gradually, I made some friends - a couple of which are still friends of mine today. Be where the people are. If you hide in your room, no one will ever get to know you. </p>
<p>Also, as a dance major, there is also a potential for finding gay BFFs as well. My d (a Musical Theatre major) has a “platonic best friend for life” and my S (who is a gay dancer/singer) has mostly girl friends. He doesn’t drink, but they still manage to find plenty of things to do.</p>
<p>I was just thinking that I see a lot of kids at S’s school getting together through facebook. Kids looking for someone to attend a spanish mass with them, kids looking for someone to study calc with, kids looking for others going to concert, kids who want to watch a certain tv show, go to Target, etc I am wowed and amazed that these kids are willing to put themselves out there, but as I “creep” (as S calls it) that page I see lots of kids looking for help, companionships, etc. Now I would nver have done it at when I was that age, but lots of kids at S’s midsize campus are. Tell her to take one day at a time.</p>
<p>One of my daughter’s closest friends now, five years post-college was someone she met junior year when she came back from study abroad semester. Her friend was a sophomore.
I do recommend service organizations. I cannot imagine any college not having some kind of community service group. My d did not have a problem making friends her freshman year but she did continue working on yearbook as she had enjoyed it during high school and interacted with an entire group of different people than those in her dorm and she did join an environmental action community group. Whenever she was blue however, I always told her go outside, take a walk, head to the gym-even if no one else is there, you will feel better. I have one d in studio art and the other in theater, both require lots of time in very specific environments and for both of my d’s their closest friends come from their subject areas.</p>
<p>
I find this disturbing on SOOOOO many levels! If I were her, I would be putting out the judgmental vibe only it wouldn’t be unintentional. 
Seriously?!! Let’s see how many stars we can accrue and how sleazy we can be? Nasty! OP, does your D really want this type of friend or their acceptance? If so, she does indeed have problems. It sounds, though, like she’s a great girl with a strong sense of self. I would continue to encourage her by letting her know how proud you are of the choices she’s making. </p>
<p>As for friends…what about joining a dry sorority or dry co-Ed fraternity? If this doesn’t appeal to her, what about an intramural sport or a group/organization related to her major/career goals (ex. If she wants to be a lawyer, perhaps join mock trial or debate; if she wants to be an engineer, perhaps join one of the engineering clubs, etc.)? I have a D who doesn’t drink or party and has faced a bit of what you are describing, so as a parent I know how it feels. Our D, though, has immersed herself in her sport, clubs, and studying so it’s been a bit easier. She’s been able to find a few girls who share her values/beliefs. She’s satisfied with having a few closeknit friends and several aquaintances as opposed to tons of so-called friends she shares very little in common with.</p>
<p>Good luck to you and your D!</p>
<p>Besides religious groups, clubs whose goals are service oriented will welcome here. Habitat for Humanity. Soup kitchen volunteers. Perhaps the college has Alpha Phil Omega co-ed service fraternity. All of these groups will be very welcoming to new members.</p>