<p>I've known she was a lesbian since the beginning and I was (and still am) completely fine with it. She has a long-term girlfriend with whom she claims she's still very much in love with. We're taking different courses but are in the same faculty and have the same friends so naturally we spend most of our time together and became really good friends. Everything was great for a while but now and then I'd catch her staring at me and sometimes she'd stroke my thigh or knee. It was kinda weird but I shrugged it off as paranoia. But a few days ago she confessed to liking me. What do I do? Moving out is not an option for at least a year. Some people can just shrug it off but I am an awkward person and this is making things REALLY AWKWARD. </p>
<p>Assuming that you yourself are not a lesbian, that’s what you tell her.</p>
<p>We actually had a long discussion on our sexual orientations when we first moved in and I made it very clear that I was not a lesbian. She’s actually confessed before and I told her that I wasn’t interested but for some reason she decided to give it another go.</p>
<p>First, in a firm but friendly way, tell her how you feel and what you want.</p>
<p>“While I appreciate your sharing your feelings, unfortunately I do not reciprocate those feelings. Where do we go from here? I don’t mind doing things together but I am going to ask you not to stare or touch me. Can you do that?”</p>
<p>if that doesn’t work, are you in student housing? Then talk to your RA.</p>
<p>If you are in off campus apartments, there is still a student conduct policy and you could talk to a dean about what to do.</p>
<p>I am assuming you are not a lesbian. Is she clear about that? It could be that when she was affectionate with you, and you didn’t say anything, that she thought it was OK. I’m not blaming you. I think it would be hard to tell too, since I’ve observed that female friends tend to be more affectionate with each other than guys in general. Also, I think you were taken off guard knowing she has a long term girlfriend. </p>
<p>Put yourself in her shoes. Surely you’ve had crushes on guys who weren’t interested in you like that but liked you as a friend. Eventually though, you got over it. Your room mate probably will too. I imagine that she is possibly feeling as awkward as you are, having made the advances. If she isn’t feeling awkward, then maybe it wasn’t that big of a deal to her, and she can move on easily from these things. </p>
<p>You can let her know where you stand- that you like her as a friend, and were taken off guard since you thought she had a girlfriend, are straight, and hope she didn’t think otherwise, that you hope that you both can be friends and room mates without any romance. You can also be sympathetic to her situation and say that you understand that this is awkward for her too, and you hope you can both get past this and keep the friendship. </p>
<p>If she respects you as a person and a friend, the advances will stop. You have the right to live in your room without being subjected to advances. If they persist, that is harassment, and you can take measures to be moved. </p>
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<p>The difference is living with the crush. I can’t imagine any situation where OP doesn’t move out. Even if the advances stop, this makes for an extremely uncomfortable situation for OP. Coming back from showers, getting dressed in the room, the risk of jealousy when bringing back a guy, etc. is now very, very awkward.</p>
<p>I usually never recommend talking to the RA for a minor problem, but this isn’t a minor problem. Talk to your RA and possibly move out.</p>
<p>Yes, moving out is a solution, but the OP stated it wasn’t an option. I don’t know of their lease agreement, or if it is in a dorm or not. I agree that living with someone who is interested in you can be very difficult, but assuming that moving isn’t an option, then they can try to talk it out. If it is, then the OP can ask to be moved and that would be a solution to her discomfort. </p>
<p>Even if a relationship was a possibility, which it isn’t in this case, I would not think it was wise for the room mate to make advances. That changes the situation for both of them.</p>
<p>I had the exact same situation in college, except that I am a straight male and I had a gay roommate. I am very tolerant of gays, but I found that living with one in close quarters was too awkward. I ended up talking to my RA about it and he understood the situation from my point of view. A couple weeks later the housing office allowed me to move to a different dorm.</p>
<p>Your mileage may vary obviously, but if you talk to someone in housing about your situation they may be able to help.</p>
<p>I think this makes a case for a room mate is off limits policy. Much has been stated about protection from bullying, but I also think that a room mate should not have to be concerned about a room mate making unwanted advances. Too much is at stake, much like workplace romances can affect a job, this could mean someone having to move. </p>
<p>Eh, I saw that too, but moving out is always an option. There’s someone somewhere she can talk to if she wants to move out. OP, why can’t you move? </p>
<p>You explain to her that you are not of the same sexual orientation as her and that her feelings for you are not reciprocated. Make sure to point out that you value her as a friend, but that the relationship ends there and has no chance of becoming romantic in any way at all. </p>
<p>Thanks for all the advice guys 
I live in a dorm and the contract is for a year, that’s why i can’t move out. As for moving, the problem is that she’s sort of still “in the closet” so to speak. So far she’s only told her a few of her friends (myself included, obviously) and of course her girlfriend. Her parents have no idea. I feel that telling the RA would be violating her trust. This might be selfish, but I really really wish she could’ve just kept the fact that she likes me to herself. Would have saved both of us from all this awkwardness. I think the only thing I can do is talk to her and establish some boundaries and count the days until my hostel contract ends 
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<p>I think just treat it just as you would treat a guy taking interest in you. Just because she’s a lesbian it doesn’t make her any different from the rest of us. Make yourself clear. But I guess you do have to make yourself a little extra clear in your case. </p>
<p>I would draw a line. Firmly. Your room is a shared living space and her sexual orientation and attraction to you should not violate your space and comfort. If worse comes to worse and it persists, I would try to get a new roommate. If she hadn’t told you she was attracted to you it’d be different, but seeing as to how you cannot get away from her and share a living space, her telling you she was attracted to you even though you made it clear you are straight crossed lines. </p>
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<p>Try making up some other reason for moving out. Worst case scenario, tell the RA that you need to move out and can’t disclose the reason due to it being personal in nature between you and your roommate.</p>
<p>I didn’t realize that you had already discussed that you were not interested. Although you care about her privacy, you should have your boundaries respected in your room. I hope talking to her again resolves this for you. However, you have the right to your boundaries in your room, and if it persists, you can tell your RA why. Many times the RA’s are instructed to keep students’ issues confidential, and so will keep all information private.</p>
<p>Your room mate seems to be in an isolated situation without family or many friends to discuss her feelings with. She may benefit from a support group on campus- and also by joining groups where she can meet other students who are available to her for friendship and a relationship.</p>
<p>Just to let you know, just because you are in a dorm doesn’t mean you can’t move. If talking to her doesn’t work, then talk to your RA or if that doesn’t work talk to the director of housing. People can get moved during the year if the circumstances warrant it.</p>