We voluntarily withdrew my S from his private HS with only 2 months left in the school year. He was caught cheating on a math test in January. He was devastated. He was suspended for two days and he had to withdraw from the class. He goes to a very competitive private HS with very strict standards and the pressure can be intense. He knows he completely screwed up. It was the first time he was in trouble and he felt intense shame for the incident. The school warned him that he could not get into trouble again or risk expulsion. For the next few months he was a changed person. Depressed and not his usual bubbly self. I finally had him open up. He said that he broke out in a cold sweat every time he saw the teacher that caught him. He thought ALL the teachers thought he was a fraud. He also said that the teacher had told him he should have been expelled and told he wasn’t contrite enough. Because of the size of the school he would have to have him as a teacher again for his senior year. The thought kept him up at nights. We had a family discussion and decided that it would be better for his mental health to withdraw him from school immediately. The good news is that I have my son back. He enrolled at public school and is HAPPY. He doesn’t feel the shame and embarrassment of thinking everyone is judging him. In hindsight we should have moved him to a public schools years ago.
But, after reading several posts I am worried about his college prospects. I know that he has learned about a lot about why he did what he did. The school was very sad to see him go. They stated they would not disclose that he cheated and would happily give recommendations if needed. But, I know there will be questions about why anyone would voluntarily withdraw so late in the year. So do we state that he was caught cheating and the stress was too much for him? Or do we just say it was a personal reason? I don’t want a mistake to define him for life! (Ok, dramatic, but it can cost him in the next few years.) Just for reference he is not applying to high tier schools. Solid B+ student with solid SAT’s. Lots of AP classes and a passion for learning. He wants to study history. Please be kind in your response.
Really sorry to hear you are going thru this. As a parent, I can only imagine how difficult it must be. But the great news is that he seems happy now, and ultimately, isn’t that what we as parents want for our children? With solid grades and a decent SAT, he should get into your state school and will likely thrive there as well.
Kids make mistakes. Sounds like he learned a lot from the mistake. So he transferred into your local public and will graduate from there. Happens to lots of kids for various reasons – and often turns out well in terms of college acceptances, college performance, and life options. I wish this for your family.
The reasons your child changed schools is no one else’s business. It was a family decision and no one needs to know more than that. As for your son, the only bad mistake is one you don’t learn from, and he appears to have learned very well.
I agree. The school has said that they will not disclose the cheating, so it won’t be on his record. He is not applying to high tier schools. So he should be able to have some good college opportunities. And yes if anyone asks why the change of schools, just state personal reasons. I’m sure that changing schools for personal reasons is way more common than you think for a huge variety of reasons, and most schools won’t give it a second thought. One of the schools my daughter applied to which is a very highly ranked state flagship university didn’t even require letters of recommendation. I think the larger schools don’t have the time to nit pick over every detail of a student’s high school record and make their decisions based on grades and test scores. It sounds like your son learned a lesson that he will take to heart in the future.
Yup. “Family decision” and leave it at that.
Glad that he learned from it, is happy, and can move on from here.
We all make mistakes in life. There’s no reason that one should follow him around forever.
My suggestion when looking for colleges is not to also apply to" very competitive private with very strict standards and the pressure can be intense." Find one where he is toward the top of the class.
Sounds like you and he made the right decision at the time. He can get recommendation letters from the new school, and all you need to do as a family is stick to the party line “this was a family decision and our reasons are private.” It’s nice that the private school is willing to keep it confidential. And it speaks well of your son that he recognized the ethical breach and felt bad about it - this could be an important turning point in the formation of his character for the better.
I’m going to be the exception here and say you need to hire a private college consultant, now, to help guide you in this. I think there is a CC poster who serves as one. To “voluntarily withdraw” is often the euphemism used for expulsion, and in any event, private colleges will be very wary of a voluntarily withdrawl with 8 weeks left in a school year. I think you need to come up with a game plan for how to address this and other common app questions related to discipline. While I understand it would be nice to not say anything, realistically, that might not be feasible, and the rationale that it is a private matter won’t really fool anyone in the college process-absent other info, they may assume he was expelled for drug dealing, or severe mental illness leading to violence, or anything else. Someone with lots of experience in such issues can help guide you in this, and perhaps focus on public colleges where fewer questions are asked.
@canarygem you’ve gotten good advice here. I agree that you may want to consider a few sessions with a private college counselor just to be sure you are on the right track and discuss how to handle matters.
One thing I was going to suggest about explaining the move (to the extent that you feel you need to do so) is to say that the move was health-related - because your son’s mental health is important.
Good luck on this journey and it sounds like your son is on a healthier path.
I honestly think people put on much weight on college admissions. If he’s going to one of his in-state publics, I’m not sure they have the time to pick nits on his record.
I know a kid that was asked to leave his prestigious boarding school less than a month before graduation. He was not actually “expelled” and did “graduate” in a tiny ceremony on campus in July. His college admittance was not rescinded and he went off to a successful college career that fall.
@canarygem You might want to check with both schools to see how the transcript will look. if both schools happen to report only year end grades then his junior grades might just show up on the public school transcript as if he did the whole year there. (Assuming he didn’t have any semester-long classes at the private school with final grades and was able to resume the same classes at the public school).
Kids might transfer even with just a couple of months left for other reasons–bullying, mental health issues, etc. if there is nothing on his record I don’t think colleges will assume he was expelled.
My advice: Have him apply to some rolling admissions match and safety schools ASAP–by which I mean as soon as they start accepting applications. Focus on some of the big publics that do things by the numbers. See what happens. If you and he are lucky, he should be accepted to some schools by November, if not earlier. A LOT of pressure will come off then.
Hold off applying to other colleges with a set deadline. If any of the schools in the first group ask questions about why he withdrew, then talk to someone like Hanna for advice before answering and before finalizing applications to others with a set deadline .
Did this happen in his freshman year? Oh, title says junior. Hmm . . . I generally agree with other posters. I believe the private school has some leeway in the way they will report. But note that the college applications may contain certain questions asking related questions. Therefore, you should find out what questions the schools your kid wants to apply contain in their applications and whether you can answer them truthfully.
I’m in the “you need help” camp. I am not a college admissions person but have done quite a bit of hiring of engineers for the company I worked for.
When I review a resume (college application in your case), I look specifically for things that look out of place; short times at a job, gaps in jobs, moving several times to different areas of the country for employment, etc. Most times I just go on to the next resume. But sometimes the experience and skills are what I am looking for. In that case I then ask about these items and gauge the answers I get to see if it all makes sense. If I don’t get a clean, crisp answer, with so many candidates for the job I’m offering, I just pick another resume to look at. Why take on someone else’s problem child?
I’m afraid you’ll see a similar response from the colleges regarding your son. A response of “family decision” would raise all kinds of red flags to me.
Some students will withdraw from private high schools for financial or stress related reasons. Thus if you state that he withdrew for “personal” reasons I would not expect a “good normal” university to be too upset about this. In fact, “stress” does appear to be a significant factor here, probably the main factor.
We all make mistakes. The trick is to move on from our mistakes.