<p>midmo, the grey hairs on my head (and I even found a grey eyelash the other day!) attest to the fact that I probably am old enough (or at least weather-beaten enough) to be the mom of Incas. Thanks for clarifying what you meant by the other post. Didn’t mean to sound as if I was criticizing you. :)</p>
<p>preironic, moving into an apartment for his 2nd year was probably the biggest and most challenging lesson for S to date. All pretense of structure was gone (no roommates even, because he really wanted a studio) and he was not yet equipped to create a disciplined schedule or even a coherent rhythm for his days and nights. Irresponsibility and its logical consequences ensued. Tough lessons were learned. I personally didn’t think it should have been THAT difficult. But it was for him. He is in his 2nd year of studio-living (new place to help erase bad memories of the old one) and is managing better. By the time he graduates from college and becomes self-supporting, we figure he might be able to actually handle it! :)</p>
<p>Too true. As adults, we realize the fabulousness of those intellectual opportunities and we die little deaths when our children are too busy to take advantage of them! </p>
<p>On his Gap Year, I gave one of my sons one museum instruciton, ONE(!) to visit while he was in London for three months. After much prodding, he finally went. On his second to last day. It was closed. </p>
<p>Oh well. That’s him. He had been too immersed in London and his studies to live out my fantasy. In truth, he’d seen many of the historic sights with us on earlier trips. Visiting museums wasn’t his imperative.</p>
<p>If your son is showing signs of chewing up some intellectual topic, hold your breath. My senior was as tippy a freshman as they come and a very average sophomore. He came up the ramp faster than I ever would have predicted and now has two (!) astonishing internships on top of his amazing senior thesis and fantstic course load. </p>
<p>He’s superceded every expectation, that’s for sure. Neither H nor I had internships like he has–not as 21 year old seniors anyway. Compared to him, we were slow learners apparently, LOL.</p>
<p>It’s not a published statistic, but I imagine that the ratio of freshman boys sent home versus girls sent home would be in the neighborhood of… 20 to 1? </p>
<p>20 boys tip out of their freshman boats for every girl that cannot manage? That sounds about right. colleges minimize this chaos by taking in 55 to 60% girls, haha.</p>
<p>How many boys start college believing they can pull off miracles at the very last minute? A staggering number! Once they figure out that they have to conform to perform, there is a learning curve. I might call that curve: ‘Sophomore Year’. </p>
<p>However, having put a lifetime of energy into doing the least amount for the best results; ie developing efficiency, newly mature Junior boys are capable of accelerating past all expectations at light speed. </p>
<p>Is it the boys? Well, not for nothing is there a CC club in Sinner’s Alley called MOS (Mothers of Sons).</p>
<p>I think I read some of those same statistics! But why, why, why should it take so many years of school to figure out that “conform to perform” tactic. You would think that many college Freshman boys had never been through the door of a classroom. Raised by wolves? I honestly think that many of them are only capable of learning through experience and they are hard-wired to immediately discount any advise. Apologies to the many of you who have perfectly reasonable sons. </p>
<p>Well, I’ll keep you informed about this one’s Junior year. The jury will be out until semester grades are in. If he gets it together and the lure of young love allows, the second semester will be spent out of the country. That is one reason I’ve been a little more concerned this year. His year may be shortened on campus as well as his next summer, and that will also limit his opportunity to apply for other opportunities. Because of this we are getting close to now or never. A semester abroad would cancel some of that out, but it will limit possibilities for next year. There is no way he could plan that far ahead.</p>
<p>That would be my son, 100%! But…there is a small perk. I think it’s a special, quite pleasant, neuro-sensation (think serotonin crossed with endorphins) reserved just for mothers of sons when the son randomly presents a slice of “original” wisdom with great enthusiasm and confidence, oblivious to the fact that the mother has been saying the exact same thing for, oh, years and years. Such as this one from two weeks ago, “You know, Mom, eating healthy foods and cutting back on sugar really does make a difference in how you feel. I’m like a completely different person now. I find I can really focus a lot better.” </p>
<p>And what about the kids that live beyond expectations? What about the kids that were rejected at top schools, did not receive merit awards, and still rose to the top of the class, winning national honors and such?</p>
<p>The truth is that any decision involving an 18 year old is bound to have a huge error margin. So maybe the OP’s son is performing at his level? Which from what I understand here, is not so bad anyway. </p>
<p>After all, why should it be a surprise that all the starts of a 400 person graduating class can’t be stars in a 4000 person freshman class? The nubers just don’t work.</p>
<p>I have been loving this discussion as I have had vague twinges that DD was not taking advantage of everything she could be at her amazing school. Thank you especially to Mom of Incas for a very empathetic and wise point of view. I know that social relationships are VERY important to D. and that while to me it doesn’t appear that she’s doing ANYTHING beyond going to class and doing her schoolwork, she is building relationships. When I ask what she’s been up to it’s things like going to Target with a bunch of kids from her dorm, hanging out with other friends, going to fitness classes, etc. I know there is a fair amount of socializing she is NOT telling me about as well. </p>
<p>I was starting to have a bit of buyer’s remorse about spending so much money to send her to a fancy school when if all she is going to do is what is required and then party and hang out with her dorm-mates she could have had the same experience in-state for 20% of the cost, and then she called one night kind of bummed saying her freshman seminar professor (who she really admires and she loves the class) gave her an evaluation that was mildly critical–he doesn’t think she is pulling her weight in class discussions and he challenged her to lead a couple of discussions.</p>
<p>So THAT is what you get for your money at a small college–if she were at the in state school she’d be in classes with hundreds of kids and as long as she did well on the midterm and the final she’d get excellent grades.</p>
<p>I have high confidence that the school will guide her and it will be OK. I just hope she doesn’t come home and reconnect with her high school friends and decide she should have stayed home for college.</p>
<p>I have to say how encouraging this thread has been for me. Since this forum is often populated with parents whose students do it all, I was afraid of too much criticism of my S’s wasting his scholarship. But mostly the responses have allowed me to put his behavior in perspective and to “normalize” it. Inthebiz provided a school’s perspective which was very helpful to me and I imagine for many parents. </p>
<p>I think there is a lesson here for parents starting the application process. Strive to make the paper application match the student and try to tease out what your student wants from college. Be realistic in seeing whether your student is a self-starter. As one parent pointed out, many of us coaxed our students through high school with our support both physical and mental. Try to have an idea of what he is willing to do without that support and be ready to revise your expectations or be pleasantly surprised.</p>
<p>I don’t know if I would use the word ‘error’. I’d use the word ‘surprise’ instead. A ‘surprise’ factor might be anticipated.</p>
<p>God forbid anyone judged me in stone based on my first two years of college; during which I casually motored along in my inch-deep puddle. At 17, I didn’t arrive as a serious student, (talented, by not terrilby serious). This lack of apparent seriousness contributed to my position on the waitlist (not taken off until August ). </p>
<p>My ‘serious’ lights didn’t go on until I was 20. I swear I remember the different sensation clicking in my brain. Once that amibition light turned on though, baby, I shot up with rockets a-blazin’. </p>
<p>I’ve just had another burst of rocket fuel too–at age 49. Another layer of the stratosphere is opening up. Talk about expecting surprise! I’d long since accepted that plateau in my work. It was a nice plateau and I was content but as it turns out…never say never.</p>
<p>Inthebiz, Perhaps such merit programs are doomed to fail given that the most sought after students are not bound by college cost. These students, if require FA, can enroll in a number of places that meet full need. For those who do not, merit aids will not make a difference anyway.</p>
<p>I am curious whether such programs also tend to attract a large percentage of premeds who tend to stay away from risk in EC’s and courses.</p>
<p>To add to modestmelody’s book link–
For a look at college students from admission to graduation there was also The Harvard Lampoon Big Book of College Life, which my friend and I thought was pretty hilarious back in 1978. Don’t know how it ages, though, or even if it’s still around.</p>
<p>In my experience, based on my kids’ friends’ college choices, it’s the students who expect to go to medical school or law school who are most attracted to merit scholarships. I know of some who are attending state universities for free, on full-ride merit scholarships, specifically so that the money that isn’t being spent on their undergraduate education will be available to pay for professional school. These students could have attended more prestigious private universities that meet “full need,” but there’s a big difference between having one’s financial need met and paying nothing at all.</p>
<p>Students do not apply for our program - they are selected from all the freshmen who apply to our university based upon grades, ECs, etc. Then they interview. We try to discern who has a passion for learning, service, and so on and would most likely take advantage of opportunities for an enriched, exciting undergraduate education. (Apparently, we don’t choose well enough!!)</p>
<p>Although there are some pre-meds in the program, most are not. And of the pre-meds in the past couple of years, they have been among the most active, going on medical missions around the world, starting service organizations, volunteering for very diverse causes, etc.</p>
<p>I totally agree with Modestmelody’s outlook toward college and education.</p>
<p>My two kids turned down merit scholarships, and we paid (are still paying) a lot for them to be at the schools they are at. Neither would be living up to expectations, according to Inthebiz. But I think what they are doing is what they need to be doing, to work towards who they are growing into, not to fulfill some overt or implied expectations.</p>
<p>My D got excellent grades at a great LAC, and particpated deeply in several ECs. She did not, however, pursue grad school, do internships, or do other “development” type things the school offered. Three years out, she is working very hard at a job she loves which did not require a college degree. I imagine Inthebiz would consider her a failure if she’d been in his program. And that’s a shame. Every ounce of her wonderful education informs who she is in every encounter she has and in every idea she examines. We do not need extrinsic achievements to see that in her. I’m glad there’s not someone “inthebiz” tut-tutting about her lack of accomplishments.</p>
<p>My S would definitely be considered a dud by those standards. He loves to contribute in class, but is involved in few ECs. He has no idea what he wants to do when he graduates (he’s a senior.) But, he THINKS all the time, loves new ideas, loves talking to classmates about what he, and they, are thinking about.</p>
<p>That’s why I sent him to college. That’s why I sent both of them. Not everyone is enamored by the goal-directed, get-ahead, tangible-accomplishment view of life. I’m not saying that’s wrong (really), but there are othe ways to be a successful person, and I don’t think anyone can say, by examining who’s doing what in their spare time in college, who will ultimately construct the more meaningful life.</p>
<p>Sounds like your kids are a success to me. Who ever said the payoff for a college education had to be right after graduation? Who ever said it had to lead to a higher status, higher paying job? Seems to me most of the rewards of a college education are internal anyway.</p>
<p>Success…well I know that one is a highly successful college senior. He’s beyond where I’d hope a 21 year old student would be–immersed in the intellectual depths of his chosen field, squeezing in a couple of outstanding professional development opportunities on top of that, eating dinner with a group of 20 friends every night and checking out various dance/music clubs on the weekend. He’ll remember the headiness of this year for the rest of his life.</p>
<p>Who knows if my freshman is successful. Right now he appears to be motoring along in his own inch deep puddle–with a bit of tippy weather on the horizon. Will he sail through the semester or get wet? My guess is that he’ll get wet. I’m a realist when it comes to 18 year old boys. A little swim won’t hurt him. </p>
<p>I farted around for a year after I graduated. Painted. Rode my bike. Part-time work. Not much of anything–although I did support myself in Manhattan which meant my parents had no say in my choices halleluia. I was 25 before I got my first ‘international’ caliber job with a famous architect. 28 when I opened my own practice in Manhattan and welcomed my first son into the world.</p>
<p>An awful lot of success can happen in short bursts of acceleration. </p>
<p>I tell my sons to catalogue those moments where they feel really, really busy in college. </p>
<p>“Wait until you hit your 30s–with tiny children at home and a rocketing career. THAT is the pinnacle of ‘busy’, my darlings. One day you will laugh at yourself when you realize how lazy you actually were!”</p>
<p>Frankly, architecture school was a walk in the park compared to my 30s. Living La Empty Nesta? Sweet as.</p>
). </p>