Hello CC,
I have been with a girl for about a year now and we have no intentions of breaking off our relationship. However, there exists a problem: she is going to be attending Cal Poly SLO this fall and I will be attending the University of Southern California. Getting from USC to Cal Poly will be a three-and-a-half hour drive.
Is this relationship worth keeping with this college barrier? If yes, then how do I make it work?
If it meant to endure, both of you will have to make it a priority. Only the two of you can decide how you want to treat thus separation.
On the one hand, you can both decide you want to meet new people while staying close (whether or not you want to have exclusive dating is something again only the two of you can decide).
You can use all the regular methods of staying in touch–skype, messages, email, twitter, Facebook, etc., plus you CAN visit one another as you are each able and interested. My friend and her H have households which are a 2-hour drive apart. Every week one drives to see the other.
Personally, I feel college is a time of tremendous growth and relationships. It would and did make me sad not to participate when I was attached to someone who was 1000s of miles and 2 + plane rides away. We broke up and each of us formed close relationships with others but remained good friends.
Best of luck to both of you at this very exciting time!
First of all, both of you need to put college first. I had a long distance relationship for five years as a young adult. If it’s going to happen, you will find ways to maintain it. But if and when you get to the point like it feels that it’s more effort than it’s worth, don’t flog a dead horse. Move on gracefully. It’s nice to experience love with a few people. As far as I am concerned, 3.5 hours is peanuts. I wouldn’t worry. Your relationship will fare better if neither of you stresses over it.
many/most relationships do not transition out of high school into college. if you feel that the stars aligned and you met your one and only perfect “soulmate” than you will have to figure a way to make it apart for the next 4 years . if not perhaps you will spend the first semester in a slowly unraveling relationship and missing out on a once in a lifetime experience of being a freshman surrounded by all new people…and maybe meeting a great new girlfriend or perhaps two new great girlfriends. you are young, spread your wings and fly (IMO)
Yes, it’s hard to make it work at different schools. I wish I hadn’t tried. My high school boyfriend went to school cross-country. He was a year younger than I was. He dumped me halfway through my junior year in college. It made me mad that I’d devoted so much time and energy to making the long-distance relationship work, for nothing! And I lost lots of dating/fun opportunities. Blech.
To offer a counterpoint, I’m going on four years in my relationship that started senior year of high school. We message and Snap each other often, Skype and call when we can, and visit as much as possible (3 hour drive; now that one of us has a car it’s easier, but before, we just bummed rides off of classmates who happened to be going to the same place that weekend).
It can work out, but every situation’s different, so nobody can say for sure whether putting in that time and effort is worth it for you specifically.
To be honest, I feel like the fact that you’re even asking this means it probably won’t last. When my boyfriend (now fiance!) had to be long distance for a year, the question wasn’t “is it worth it” but “alright, what are we going to do to make long distance work?” It really is hard. When everyone around you is having fun and meeting new people, but you’re still attached to this person back home from a “different world” so to speak, it can be really hard unless you’re 100% invested. It takes time and energy it’s frustrating, so think about whether or not you see this person as soulmate status.
^I disagree. It’s normal to ask this kind of question, especially as a teenager. Questioning whether the relationship is worth the effort isn’t necessarily a reflection on the quality of the relationship, especially if you’ve never done an LDR before and don’t know what it’s like.
I married my high school sweetheart, who I started dating near the end of my freshman year of high school. However, in retrospect, I will say that I wish I hadn’t invested so much time and energy into our relationship in college - wish I had kept it more fun and light. I think I spent so much time focusing and worrying about the future and try to lay a foundation for us getting married that I didn’t take the time to really enjoy my college experience to the fullest, and I think I missed out on some things that I wish I had experienced and didn’t take the time to develop and cultivate some of my college friendships more deeply. I regret that.
(Also, to be completely honest…I love my husband and I am glad that we are married. But college is a great time to explore more of what you might like in a partner. It’s actually pretty unlikely that one of the first people you’ve ever dated is the One for you, and you’ll probably change significantly through college. Both my husband and I have both expressed we wish we had more dating experience, lol!)
So my advice is totally biased by my experience: You can do an LDR, and there’s no reason to break up, but try to make a commitment to your own personal identity development as well. If all goes well, you only get to do college once. It can be an intense experience during which you can make lifelong friends, learn a lot about yourself and have a lot of fun. If you are leaving every weekend for a 3.5 hour drive up California or constantly worrying about the health of your LDR, that has the potential to take away from that experience. There’s lots of different ways to maintain a relationship, and it doesn’t have to be super-serious.
This is what usually happens:
You swear YOU TWO ARE DIFFERENT! You can make a LDR work!
At first you facetime every day!
But then you realize that is annoying to your roommate/you have no privacy so you try to find times to facetime when your roommate isn’t there.
But you have classes and he has classes and you joined that club and he is on the intramural soccer team so maybe we can talk on Tuesdays.
She has that co-ed group of friends he goes out on weekends with and you have your group from the dorm.
Oh, here comes Fall break…but his is at a different weekend than yours so you can’t get together…
There is that one person in the group that you/he kind of likes…but you have girl/boyfriend!
Why isn’t she talking to you as often? or Why are you looking at excuses not to talk to her?
So you look forward to thanksgiving…but by then you are kind of really into that other guy/he is really into that other girl and you kind of get together over break and ooohhhhh noooo you have a fight about not talking as much anymore and you break up.
It’s called the Turkey Drop.
Right now he likes you and you like him and you don’t see any reason to break up…also college is scary and new and you don’t want to give up a person who supports you.
But on the other hand, you can start college fresh and meet new people and not have to worry about who you are with or who she is with and what you are doing.
Only you can answer whether or not it’s “worth” keeping.
I’m not a big fan of breaking up just because you’re apart. I think you should let things proceed naturally. Don’t overly cling to the relationship though if it’s clear that it’s not working.
FWIW,
There is that one person in the group that you/he kind of likes…but you have girl/boyfriend!
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is when I knew my high school relationship was over- but it was in sophomore year, not during the turkey drop. I held onto that relationship for much longer than I should have.
Only you can decide “whether the relationship is work keeping.”
To quote my favorite snowman: “Some people are worth melting for.” Is your girlfriend one of them?
My daughter had a LDR her freshman year…he was an hour train ride away. At first he would visit her too, but then logistics caused it to be her travelling each weekend to visit him. She told me “i visit him on weekends because i have no friends at college” but she had no friends at college because she was never around on weekends to do stuff. At the end of freshman year he broke up with her. After that she felt like she wasted her freshman year on him.
So if you do keep the LDR, do not visit every weekend…maybe once a month. Make sure you make friends and join activities in college. If she is the right one for you, you will make it through. If not, you will make friends and have fun.