<p>during dd’s freshman year, I was paranoid about hovering so tried to limit my initiation of any contact…then found out dd was doing the same thing! She’s my only girl, and my oldest so we were used to talking alot, she knows what I can stomach, info wise and calls when it’s obvious tone isn’t being sent via text or skype (which is much easier than facebook chat). My hard drive crashed and didn’t have new laptop until a couple weeks after dropping her off. Skype was fab the first time, so nice to see her in her room, etc…as quarter went on, it felt like overkill. dd would text minor questions about laundry, banking…but I’m not always with my cell and we get horrible reception at home…so sometimes I’d reply right away but sometimes she’d have to deal with it because I wouldn’t see it until after all said and done…kinda nice it worked that way.</p>
<p>She also has a twitter account and I loved seeing her tweets so I could see what she was doing, see pictures and “hear” her sense of humor. She knew I looked at it so didn’t feel like she had to update me all the time about the little things and knew I could talk to her about something I had seen.</p>
<p>I set no expectations about contact, and still don’t have any. My husband and I wanted her to feel free to reach us on her terms, to allow her some freedom and a chance to be a ‘grownup’. It happened almost naturally that she began sending me text messages a couple of times a day to share something funny or ask a question, and I think that made us both feel very comfortable about the level of contact. I’d get a text and know she was ok…she sent a text to feel closer to home.</p>
<p>I think the best thing we did was set an “initial phone call” home as we left after dropping her off at the dorm. She promised to call at the end of her first day of classes, and that was a good call. We got updated on settling in with the roommates and the first day with the campus shuttles and classes. Beyond that, it was “call you sometime”, which really turned into Skype. Again, not scheduled though…I’d get a text “Skype after dinner?” and we’d work out a time.</p>
<p>Letting my daughter be the one to reach out really helped her feel independent. Learning how to become more proficient at text messaging…this generation’s main form of communication…helped me feel more secure.</p>
<p>D1 called daily during freshman & sophomore years. But she is the kid who follows me around the house when she is in town and gets home from work. She has to tell me about her day! That will have to change this year; she is going overseas for fall term, and then working at an internship in DC for the second semester. We will see if she goes back to the daily pattern in senior year. My guess is that she will. I am not complaining. :)</p>
<p>D2 has made it clear not to expect the same pattern from her. She just went to a three week program where she had a cell phone. She called every 2-3 days. I also called her a couple of times when I didn’t hear from her (on the fourth or fifth day). She didn’t seem to mind.</p>
<p>D called daily last year (freshman). She is very independent and I would have been fine hearing from her less often, but H wanted to hear from her every day. His family tends to be much more over protective (especially with the girls) than mine was, so I think that is a lot of where this comes from.</p>
<p>When DS was a freshman, we talked on the phone about every 10 days. A weekly scheduled call never worked for us. DH initiated 2-3 texts a week. (I have a feeling that “call your mother” was one of the messages.)
We didnt Skype.
I sent emails, but the most I got back (if anything) was “OK”.
But… we dont live that far away and ended up seeing DS about every 6 weeks. They face-to-face visits made up for the rest.</p>
<p>LOL! I remember those days and, at the time, thought you handled this with the perfect mix of good humor and parental authority.</p>
<p>Although my own son is just 13, I can already see similar handwriting on the wall, and I imagine that I will need to someday strike that same balance.</p>
<p>When he is off with friends, my son does manage to check in by phone at whatever time we have arranged, but the conversation always makes me feel as if he thinks we pay for our calls by the nanosecond. ;)</p>
<p>We have the “once a week so we know you’re alive” rule. It can be text, email or Skype. Although we have gone up to a month with no contact when D was traveling out of the country. No news is good news, right?</p>
<p>Not quite the same thing, but I’ve gone to camp ever summer for the past four years–it started off with daily phone calls the first year, every few days the second, once a week the third, and this year I didn’t call my parents once during six weeks (which, in retrospect, was probably not such a great idea). My mom did call twice, once on Father’s Day (which I forgot about in the hubbub of moving in) and the second to talk logistics about moving out.</p>
<p>There were others who called their parents daily, but once or twice a week seemed to be the norm once everyone settled in. But I’m not much for phone calls to begin with.</p>
<p>I think what made it okay for my parents this past year was that they texted once every week or two, and my brother and sister would text me a few times a week–I imagine they mentioned our conversations to my parents so they knew I was alive, well, and being a good big sister. Something for college freshman with sibs to consider.</p>
<p>I agree with glassesarechic about the sibling thing. D and younger brother text quite often. Plus, she responds to his texts (not always to mine) so he lets me know shes alive and happy.</p>
<p>Tc, I think in your shoes I would tell your parents that you will call them daily the first week, but that after that you would like to taper off as they start to feel more comfortable. Personally Ithink once a week conversation is enough, but that you should consider offering a daily “I am fine” text.</p>
<p>When she first arrived at school, I heard from her about two or three times a day (she had a few adjustment issues). Now though, she always calls a couple times a week and occasionally she will be on her instant messenger.</p>
<p>H & I learned a hard lesson when D1 was a new freshman. We didn’t want to “cramp her style” and call too much or ask too many questions about how school was going. She is not a real communicative kid anyway. We’d send a text saying “how’s school?” - response “fine”, or “how are classes?” - response “hard”. We didn’t know that she was in way over her head acadamically. She didn’t really know how to admit it to anyone or ask for help. By the time anyone found out and got her some tutors it was really too late. She ended first semester with a 1.5 GPA and dealt with an incredible amount of stress. </p>
<p>I wish we had set up a better plan for communicating with her from the outset. I think we could have gotten more specifics early on about her academic issues and encouraged her to switch from the advanced math and science to something more appropriate. I don’t think she even understood that there was an “add/drop” period so that you could adjust your schedule. I really regret that she had such a terrible experience. It has taken her some time to dig out of that hole academically and to regain her confidence.</p>
<p>I call my mom almost daily. I like talking to her (and her me) so its not a problem. If I want to talk to my dad (who’s at work usually when I call my mom) I’ll call again in the evening (prob twice a week). We sometimes skype or IM but I prefer the phone.</p>
<p>D and I probably communicated way too much during her first year of school. We would gchat and text literally every day. Occasional phone calls. I knew everything that was going on and that wasn’t always good. I tended to worry about things I shouldn’t have and provided a sympathetic ear too often when I should have been telling her to resolve issues. </p>
<p>Now it’s hard for me because our contact has really diminished. I suspect she’s blocked me on chat and isn’t as communicative about much of anything. A few emails and some texts about not much in particular. Occasionally she’ll call me but more often her dad. If she does talk to me, she’ll tell H that it was for “an hour” when in reality it was 15 minutes. Hopefully that means she’s resolving some issues on her own. </p>
<p>So I’d encourage a regular schedule for the first year of college.</p>
<p>With our son (rising senior) it goes in spurts - we won’t hear from him for a week and a half, then something will come up and there will be a series of emails or phone calls. A handful of times he has called us just because “I haven’t talked to you guys in a while.”</p>
<p>While he was in Europe for semester abroad, I discovered a way to keep “tabs” on him without disturbing him. We had gotten Skype, and he was my only contact. I’d keep my computer on and Skype up. When S would turn on his laptop, my Skype would make a noise to let me know he was available. 90% of the time I didn’t bother to try to call or even Skype-chat him. I just knew he was alive and in his room. He almost never took his laptop to his classes or on his weekend travels around Europe, so when his Skype would pop up on Sunday nights, I knew he’d arrived safely back from his latest sojourn. </p>
<p>BTW, if your kid is traveling abroad, Skype is the best thing ever invented. You don’t have to call or video-conference, you can use the IM/Chat feature. But having the phone/video option was also really nice, S was able to pick up his laptop and show us his room, I was even able to see him as he was waiting for a flight in Heathrow!</p>
<p>My older daughter and I sat down our soon-to-be freshman daughter/sister this weekend and set out our expectations, and we were surprised that we and she were not on the same page. Her assumption was that we would call her when we wanted. D1 and I said that it was appropriate for her to take the lead in deciding how, when and how much. I did ask that she communicate with me in some fashion every day, and that could be a text message with one letter in it, until we both get our bearings. Beyond that, if she has something to say, I’m always happy to hear from her. She and sister decided they’d continue to use text and Facebook, with phone calls when D2 chooses. The only other thing I asked of D2 is that she let someone know where she’s going if she leaves campus in these early days because she doesn’t yet have any friends. I told her that I don’t need it to be me, it could be her sister, roommate, best friend, whatever, just that she shouldn’t leave campus alone in an unfamiliar area without letting someone know where she will be.</p>
<p>I suspect I’ll hear more than that because D2 and I are very close and share a similar sensibility. We text many times a day now and I don’t think it will change. But it’s up to her.</p>