<p>D1 just graduated from college in the spring. We had some form of contact almost every day. D2 was a freshamn this year. We also had some form of contact…mainly texts…at least once a day.</p>
<p>In our family, we have communicated mostly when there was something to communicate about. So there have been a lot of calls and e-mails when there was a problem or a logistical issue to work out and fewer communications when things were going smoothly.</p>
<p>In retrospect, we probably also should have developed the habit of just chatting on a fairly regular basis (once every week or two, say). My son is now a graduate student, and I can go several weeks without hearing from him. Sometimes, I will send him an e-mail of my own with some news from home and get a response, but we can go a long time between multi-topic conversations.</p>
<p>The same thing will probably happen with his sister after she graduates.</p>
<p>Perhaps this shouldn’t surprise me. In college and later, I often went weeks or even months without communicating with my own parents. History may be repeating itself.</p>
<p>Like Sabaray, I found out after the fact that I was calling too much and stressing her out freshman year and later years too even though I eased up, it was never enough. Now she is in grad school and not very good about calling or being online for chat. I know part of it is her imposing a no internet workday routine to her studies and research, but I can’t but help that think it is, if not payback, a bit of resentment and overintrusion on my part.</p>
<p>So the freshman up earlier, tell your parents what you learned about overcalling causing stress and interrupting your work and study. If she had just told me at the time, I could have corrected that immediately.</p>
<p>I’ve mentioned that weekly (maybe Sunday) or more contact would be nice. Especially since we splurged for that nice phone with internet access which makes it really easy to zop of an email anytime 
</p>
<p>I am one of the parents that thinks it is good for kids to not rely on home contact too much. But, yes we do want to know they are alive and well.</p>
<p>Our rising sophomore D had severe adjustment/transition problems in her freshman year, and DH and I are convinced that her ability to contact us so easily and frequently did more harm than good. We Skyped once a week and exchanged emails usually just for business purposes. The main culprit was texting. We had multiple text exchanges almost every day, and they were almost always about how unhappy she was. I can’t tell you how much I came to dread them.</p>
<p>It took a long time to find a way to communicate with my S, a rising senior in college. He dislikes phones, thought e-mail was for dinosaurs, so we have settled on IM and an occasional text message. Every once in a while we will have an hour long IM exhange, generally when he is figuring out his courses. I, too, use IM to see if he is on-line without initiating any communication a lot of the time. A couple times I noticed he was off-line for a couple days and then found out later he’d gone to Boston or Philly to visit friends for the weekend. When he really has something to say, though, it will be a phone call.</p>
<p>We set no expectations when ShawSon went off to school. We’ve been positively surprised by the level of communication. [In an fairness to my expectations, my mother tells me that when I left for college, I didn’t call for 6 weeks and they had no way to get in touch with me. In all fairness to me, I was insecure and when I showed up and had two HS valedictorians among my 3 roommates so I worked incredibly hard in the first 6 weeks, doing 12 weeks of problem sets in physics, math, and I think statistics while keeping up with the freshman literature course. I got A’s on all assignments and quizzes and after 6 weeks, I realized I could probably manage the work and relaxed somewhat]. </p>
<p>ShawSon’s on a friends and family plan so incremental cell phone costs are zero. And, early in school, he would get emails from a student of admin person at 11 AM telling him of a meeting at 2 or 3 that he would only get if he had email on his phone, so I got him a Blackberry, which means that he can email as well at no cost. I set it up on his Blackberry and put his calendar on there and had access if I needed to his schedule (and his emails).</p>
<p>I would say that we’ve had calls several times in many weeks. Most of these were logistical. ShawSon is truly gifted and severely dyslexic. He’s mastered most things with accommodations (got into very high-end places including Ivies and finished his freshman year at a top LAC with perfect grades and an award for academic achievement – I hadn’t thought about this, but perhaps he was doing just what I did freshman year in getting comfortable that he could succeed at college). To do that requires various kinds of assistance and he would call me to ask for advice or to discuss or arrange things (and occasionally even dictate things to me). He never called to chat about his personal life but skillful but gentle questioning yielded little bits about his life here or there. He rarely called ShawWife directly as helping with learning disability-related and academics-related logistics has always been my role. I relay what I’ve gleaned to her.</p>
<p>I try not to tell him what to do but to advise him. What’s nice is that he calls to ask for advice in the academic realm and beyond (e.g., I’m going to a music festival with several friends. The only way to get there is to drive with X and Y but there is a good chance that they will have illicit substances in the car. What do you think I can do? I told him that if the car were stopped, he could get charged anyway and would probably have to fight it legally even if none of the substances were his. He worked out a ride a day later with another friend who wasn’t going to be taking anything bad.) </p>
<p>Some weeks we get no call. Since I have access to his calendar, I know when he’ll be walking between classes. If I have a reason to call, I often call then and he’s typically happy to talk. But, we don’t call just to hear about his life as that would be an extremely short call. (Everything is fine). The conversations would have the feeling of a tooth extraction. And, he doesn’t call just to share his feelings about his life (or even the details thereof). But, I’d say the communication has worked quite well.</p>
<p>Even though I don’t talk to D every day (even in the summer when she lives at home, she is always working or out with friends) I must say that it is comforting to log on to facebook and see that she is online too. I don’t usually chat, but I know she is alive. And by the way, H and I are blocked from everything on her facebook but photos and it doesn’t bother us at all. Her business is her business. (and little brother will usually relay anything juicy!)</p>
<p>Once a week is nice.</p>
<p>This is all good food for thought. I guess a weekly phone call would be nice. But, I’d be satisfied with less if Son updated his FB or sent me some text messages. </p>
<p>We’ve got 16 days 'til freshman move-in. I suppose it would be wise to discuss expectations. ::runs off to add it to the to-do list::</p>
<p>I have to echo the comments that Skype is the best thing since sliced bread. Our son is on the opposite coast and we are sometimes on another continent. We generally plan to talk once a week on the weekend. I shoot him an email saying when we are going to be around, and he usually calls us during one of those windows (at times the time zones have worked, so it is breakfast for us the next day and he is soon for bed). It works for us, and particularly freshman year, it made me feel much better if I could see that he was alive and well. It is also nice to see his friends wander in and out of the room. As it gets close to the end of the term and exams/papers come due, the conversations usually happen every other week. It works for us. It would drive him crazy if we emailed/texted every day. I think every family is different.</p>
<p>I have a rising Senior S who attends college out of state. The original plan was a once a week phone call. That happened for exactly 3 weeks. I realized at that point that these communications felt forced and didn’t do anything but turn the process into a chore for both of us and he agreed he felt the same way.</p>
<p>We went to an “open” policy. Call, email and text when you wanted to, but realizing that we had to treat each other with kindness and respect. An honest assessment of this method for me is (1) freshman year I felt a lack of sufficient contact, (2) sophomore year was slightly less than what I’d have liked and (3) junior year worked fine.</p>
<p>The “just about right” for us now seems to be 2 to 4 contacts a month. Rarely is it a phone call. Interesting that the phone calls that do happen usually occur on the 750 mile drive he has between his place and my place. </p>
<p>The times when things need to be determined and seem to require his input can result in some frustration due to a slow response. On those occasions, I remind myself that in the 1960s when I was away at college almost all communications were by postal service and a very, very infrequent call. Slowly I came to realize how few things there are that demand an immediate response. </p>
<p>My S really is engaged in what he is doing at college and that has been great. It does mean that, for us, he is like a person with a busy and fulfilling job that he loves. He’d rather be living it than talking about it.</p>
<p>We talked with D about this last night at dinner. I asked her how she wanted to set things up. She answered “well what do you want?” And I said that the ball was in her court. She said that she’d be comfortable with 2 phone calls a week. I did tell her that I’d like her to send a text or FB chat with one of the 3 of us once a day just so that we knew she was OK. She was cool with that especially since we are a big texting family anyway. I let her know it didn’t have to be me, I’d be happy to hear from her little sister how she’s doing. Guess we’ll see.</p>
<p>We were pleasantly surprised when S went off to college far away from home; freshman year we heard from him about every other day, sometimes phone calls and sometimes text messages. Often he called because he was excited about something he had done or was signed up for, and sometimes he asked our input on something he was considering. Sophomore year he called a little less frequently, particularly second semester. But we still typically heard from him at least twice a week either by phone or text. We did skype once or twice last year, too. I am assuming the contact will be a little less frequent his junior year.</p>
<p>I am guessing D, who will be a freshman in college this fall, will text and call more frequently than S, but I may be surprised. D is a lot chattier than S, but then again, S’s frequent contact was not what we expected.</p>
<p>We typically let S initiate contact with us (unless there is something we need to tell him), and we will let D do the same.</p>
<p>My son is not particularly into telephone, email, or facebook, even with his friends. He texts with his friends mostly to coordinate things. But he is a great face-to-face communicator when it’s on his own terms, over food, late at night, etc. </p>
<p>He’s an only child and we’ve always been a close-knit family–dinner ever night, etc. Luckily he is attending college only five miles away (we live in Boston). The first two months of freshman year we heard very little from him–a call every two weeks or less frequently. I think he was making a real effort to establish his independence. Once or twice I texted him to call, because it was driving me crazy!</p>
<p>As the year wore on and he became comfortable that his independence was established, the calls were usually to say “I’m on the T, be there in 30 minutes”, and he would show up, usually around dinner time, about once a week.</p>
<p>I, too was an IM lurker during son’s freshman year. I had forgotten about that until I read it here. </p>
<p>Reading his away messages “studying” “soccer” “class” “gym” and seeing that they changed from time to time was reassuring to me! I worked very hard to not initiate IM contact too often (I was hanging on those status updates, pathetic mom that I was) and it all worked out.</p>
<p>When my D left for college last year, we talked before she left and decided on a Sunday call each week. This was kind of based off of my own land-line college experience.</p>
<p>Turned out we talked at least once a day. She called on her way between one class or the other, just to say hello. Sometimes we’d speak at night on her way to the library, but that was less often.</p>
<p>I heard from her daily, though…EXCEPT Sundays…go figure.</p>
<p>I talked to S on Skype just about every other week. Sometimes it was a bit frustrating because he was watching cartoons on TV and playing Scrabble with a friend online at the same time he was talking to me. :rolleyes: </p>
<p>I e-mailed jokes and cartoons to him several times a week. Although he didn’t respond to all of them, at least I knew he was okay when I got the read receipt. Even when the read receipt was sent at 3 a.m. on a school night… :(</p>
<p>Eh, when I leave for college I plan to buy a webcam for my mother to skype me with, and i’ll just get an iPhone 4 (or 5 
), and facetime chat with her if i’m on the run.</p>
<p>Other than that, my mom and stepdad are extremely cool. They always have given me space to grow, and when I get to college I think i’ll just talk to them whenever I feel like it. Conversely, the will talk to me whenever they feel like it. No hovering will be felt (or intended?).</p>
<p>My D who is a rising junior, communicates with us at least once a day mostly via text - like other parents have mentioned it is comforting to know she is alive and well. We have a long Skype chat every couple of weeks or so. We are an extremely close knit family and testing has been a real boon to us allowing us to communicate without being intrusive.</p>