I met our son’s OOS son’s gf just because I went to an important event on campus (award presentation). She came to the event too and met us there. We all got along great. They had not been dating very long at all at that point. They met the second week of school freshman year. My husband met her when he went to a Dad’s weekend at the school a few month’s later. My son was the one who wanted us to meet her.
That was now four years ago. Since then she has visited our home and gone on vacations with us. We have only met her parents at a brief meeting at an airport (5 minutes). We have tried a few times to be on campus at the same time but it hasn’t worked out. I’m sure we will meet in the future. He has been to their home numerous times and met her family about two weeks after they started dating. (Her family is only about 3 hours from campus). He even stayed there during the first COVID shut down for about a month. They plan to get married in about 3 years when they finish grad school.
Every family is different. Just make it organic. Meet when you are there or when your college student wants you to meet them. Let the student drive it.
We met our D’s bf when she wanted us to. He came to visit for the weekend, which was a great opportunity to get to know him better. Since then he’s visited a couple more times and also visited us on vacation twice.
I’ll start with ds2. He is totally sentimental. He brought his college gf and his roommate home for spring break sophomore year as he really wanted us to meet her and vice versa. I think the roommate was designed to make it less awkward. But the whole meeting thing was driven by ds. Best to let that kid lead the way. He and I are very much alike so we both knew what was up.
Ds1 always has been slower on the uptake. Never dated in HS or college. Almost five years after graduating college, he was home for a visit. He had been dating a woman for four months and clearly was smitten. Bad timing as he already had planned to move again to go to graduate school. This kid needs some encouragement to make a move, so I told him that I would pay for her to fly down with him so we could all meet if they wanted. He already had a planned trip to our state two months later for a long weekend coaching a team in a natl championship. She flew down, the visit was great, she followed him to grad school, and they were married 18 months later.
I ask a lot of questions, and I’ve told the boys to prepare anyone they bring home, not just a romantic interest. It’s part of my professional training. Can’t help it. But all the questions are good-natured, and I make of point of revealing things about myself along the way as well so it doesn’t feel like a one-way acquisition. I am an open book, and I think it’s disarming. The most important thing is to be as natural as possible.
If you really want to overdo, you can do what we did and share an Airbnb with my future DIL’s parents over Thanksgiving 2019 so we could meet. We could all see where this was headed, and each family was open to the idea. I have many friends (some on here!) who thought I was nuts to share a space and Thanksgiving preparations for days with absolute strangers, but it was GREAT and really set the stage that we are all about making this work if the kids are. Come to learn there was some baggage in both families around future in-laws so maybe that’s why each of us was so happy to try to make this work. It’s become a great tradition – we spent T’giving together last year, too, when they “eloped” and will again this year when the kids try to have a bigger celebration at their original venue. I think the key is assuming good intention and going into it with an open mind. I will also say that I have since had friends follow our lead, even one who initially thought I was crazy. When grandkids get involved, best to have the families work as a team rather than against each other. Those friends have called their shared vacation with the in-laws rousing successes!
It’s nice for families to embrace serious BF/GF but until there is a ring or a date, families of adult kids getting over involved with each other can be a tricky track. I’ve seen friends doing it and regretting it.
Good point! I’ve seen friends and even relatives treat their kid’s BF/GF like they’re a SIL or DIL even when the kids were in high school or weren’t super serious. Well, when the kids broke up it was a bit hard on the whole family in a way it didn’t need to be…I don’t know, I’d say be respectful and let your kid take the lead.
I had a relative who was way too involved in her son’s relationships in high school and college and now she complains that her son and his wife live across the country and aren’t available enough. Hmmmm, maybe if you hadn’t been so over-involved he might be more willing to spend more time with you guys. I don’t know…
I don’t mean to criticize anyone here, just going by what I’ve seen.
With our kids that would be way too over-involved. But that’s just us and our family dynamic. Until there is a ring or long-term, serious relationship, I don’t think we’d vacation with a BF or GF’s parents. But, that’s just us and how we do things. I really think parents need to respect boundaries and let their kids take the lead. It’s the kid’s relationship, not the parent’s. And or course do what works best for your family.
Yes, I was surprised they suggested it, but I took their lead and figured if the kids thought it was a good idea then let’s try it. And they were right. Truthfully, I think the whole thing was a way for them to avoid having to pick a family for that holiday. And, thankfully, they were correct that our personalities meshed well. I am glad they trusted us enough to throw us in that situation.
Would you bring a gift for your kid’s SO? Most parents take goodies for their own kids and their roommates so it seems natural to take something for kid’s SO but is it a NO NO or expected?
I wouldn’t myself, especially if I am, say, buying dinner for them at the meet-up. No need to put too much emphasis on the relationship, or pressure on the SO – at this point, anyway.
Well, we had reserved two hotel rooms for a wedding for April 2020, which was sadly canceled—one for us and one for our S and his GF. It never happened so D has still never met S’s GF (whom he’s been dating >5 years).
Amusingly it turns out to be a good thing that we welcomed our son’s girlfriend into our family. She’s applying for a green card and we have photos of her attending events (Christmas, Thanksgiving and family wedding) going back to 2014.
I don’t know, no matter it’s a kid’s friend, roommate, coach or teacher, small gifts add cheer and build goodwill for your loved one so why spare their significant others? They are first and foremost their good friends, even if they happen to be dating. If things don’t work out between them, it’s fine.
Are you talking like going for parents’ weekend? If you are bringing trinkets for your kid’s other friends, then sure. But if not, then no. At Halloween, for instance, I would make treat bags for my boys’ and their roommates and/or other close friends. So, if a SO was a part of that friend group, then she would get a treat bag, too.
But if you’re talking about just going up to meet this SO for dinner, then no. Buying dinner seems gift enough.
I guess once again it’s a case of different folks, different strokes. This pandemic made most of us more appreciative of other humans so it’s going to be a more generous gift giving season. I sure am planning to give more than usual to everyone who made these tough times easier for my family members and children’s supportive SO are on that list.
That was about families getting over-involved before children are ready to make it official, not about being appreciative of a significant other’s value in your child’s life as it is, with or without long term commitment.
