Son is a freshman at a small/midsize T100 college. He is 1600 miles from home. School is on the quarter system. He loves the school and the location and has made a great group of friends. Great roommate and they are good friends. Does outdoor activities with his friends nearly every weekend. Like many college kids he likes to go to parties and sporting events on the weekends. Everything seemed perfect. Until last week.
We got a text from him saying that he needs to come home. He is not doing well mentally and is basically failing all of his classes. Around week 3 he stopped going to class and is severely behind in all of them. His anxiety is through the roof. Says he has no motivation at all for schoolwork and just lies in bed most of the day while his friends and roommmate are in class (his friends had no idea he was blowing off so many classes). Says he is depressed.
Last semster he had one class that he got behind in. He told us halfway through the semester. We coached him through reaching out to his professor and getting caught up and he ended up with an A in the class. We kept emphasizing over Christamas break that you have to start strong, esp on the quarter system. He did great in HS until senior year but then he started slacking on going to school and his work. We blamed it on senioritis and not having been in school due to covid but now think it was more than that. He did see a therapist senior year and was on meds but he didnāt feel like he needed either one and didnāt take the meds for long.
Has anyone gone through this with their student? We just donāt know where to turn at this point. Heās still at school as 2 professors said he could salvage his grade but we donāt think he is doing anything but hanging out with his friends or laying in bed. He refuses to talk to us.
Does this sound like depression? Could it be something else like a processing disorder or executive functioning issues? ADHD? Laziness? Just have no idea at this point what to do with him when he gets home. Counselor, psychaitrist, neuropsych evalaution? Our emotions are running everywhere from frustration, anger, sadness, and everything in between. Depression runs in our extended families and our other (older) son suffers from it but his doesnāt seem like selective depression like this is. When heās down, heās down. I donāt think freshman son is doing this intentionally as he says he really really wants to be there.
We have reached out to the dean, his advisor, etc to see what will happen with his academic standing and his merit scholarhip. Unfortunately because he didnāt seek help, they canāt give him a medical waiver and he will fail his classes. Just really wanting to see if anyone else has been through this. Weāre just afriad once he gets home heāll be in worse shape as he wonāt have his friends around him and all of his home friends are at college.
Heās safer at home with you, deciding what he wants to do next. It could be depression, it could be ADHD (our story) or it could be something else. But when a student asks to come home after failing all their classes, thereās no real choice, is there? is he a self-harm risk? How much of the perfection is what he tells you, and how much have you witnessed?
Keep in mind he has known all along. You are just finding out. Your emotions may not match, although he certainly is apprehensive about any reaction. Itās unfortunately true that many students become overwhelmed quickly, and donāt know what to do, so they essentiallly hide. Yours may need to be closer to home. Because the reality is you donāt go to college to have a great group of friends or a good time, and if the academic piece is missing, it goes sideways fast. That doesnāt mean all is lost.
How are you? Try not to panic, or disaster-ize. Listen, listen, listen. You are all on the same team, here. I do guarantee that ultimatums will not help one bit.
So sorry this is happening. It does sound like depression but thatās not the only possible explanation. Either way itās safest if he comes home, IMO, though I know thatās not as easy as it sounds (for example, I can tell you that objectively itās the safest path, and yet if it were my own kid, perhaps Iād be thinking of wishful-thinking ways it might be better to have her āsnap out of itā without leaving). So I really, really empathize. I canāt say Iāve been in your shoes exactly so Iām sorry about that, but others will post who have had similar experiences to you. Iād advise a medical exam as well as mental health evaluation, since there may be organic contributors (thyroid etc.) Also see if you can get to a place of 100% certainty regarding substance use: better to know right away if this is a contributor.
True, we do need to get him home. Since he wonāt answer our calls and barely texts its been impossible to do logistcally. I was just out there recently for a visit as I had work meeting in the area and everything did seem perfect. Took a bunch of kids to dinner, lots of friends popping in and out of his room, etc. He truly seemed happy. My wife and I donāt believe heās a self harm risk. Been down that road with our other child and we are very aware of the questions to ask. But I agree, at the end of the day he is there for an education and he is not getting that. Wea re really trying to listen, problem is he is not talking. We have been very supportive to him over text.
He does like to drink but donāt beleive its a daily issue as heās pretty open with us about it. Heās not a big fan of pot so I donāt think he would get into anything harder than that.
Iām sure you have been, it sounds like you are trying hard to reach him and heās just not ready to face youā¦or perhaps not ready to leave.
Iām sure with time and support, heāll have a fine education, I didnāt mean to sound as if that is the only bottom line at school. Itās just that all the friends in the world canāt fix the base ācant stay if you arenāt doing classā. Believe me, we have been there and itās hard to know exactly what steps to take, but that doesnāt mean everything is ruined. maybe your job is to help him see that.
The old scale of pot through heroin no longer applies.
Kids take their friends ADHD medication and if you protest,they say āitās ok, theyāre prescriptionā. Kids take Ambien, kids use edibles, kids take st Johnās wort (itās ānaturalā), none of it under medical supervision.
Kids self medicate and an occasional drinker might be doubling down with something else. We all think we know what drug abuse looks like but we donāt. The landscape has changed.
He needs to be home. Then figure out what is going on.
We had to rescue our son freshman year in October, fortunately in state, and a few days before the withdrawal deadline. Fortunately I had purchased tuition insurance based on his behavior senior year (all online) and summer (my husband thought it was senioritis, I did not). We gig him medicated, a therapist, and a neuropsychological evaluation (depression, anxiety, possible bipolar, he did/does use marijuana which I think started the whole mess (psychotic episode most likely from a bad vape, pretty terrifying). He enrolled in a local college in the fall, made the deans list, says heās doing well this semester (reminds me, I need to check, heās the only kid weāve ever had log in info for). Heās not 100%, but looking back, so much better. Iām glad H scooped him up (5 am, I stayed on the phone with him while H drove there).
From what Iāve experienced through some kids at school, they often feel theyāve let their parents down and want to hide - hence - itās easier not to say much. They can āloseā themselves in friends and drug of choice (which can be sports or clubs or actual drugs).
I suggest always being supportive and seeing if thereās a mutual trusted relative or friend who can intercede, listening and letting them know itās truly ok. College isnāt for everyone, not even for all top kids in high school. See what appeals for a job, or any job. He needs purpose. What does he like? Many kids find āthemselvesā as they age. Previously theyāve just been doing what has been āexpectedā of them.
As he finds himself while having a job, it can become much clearer with what he wants. Iāve seen it happen many times.
Of course, Iāve also seen relationships totally broken by parents who are angry or disapproving and let their feelings show.
Itās not Norman Rockwellās world out there where everything works out perfectly, even for āgoodā kids. The best thing you can do is be there for him and realize this might not be his path. He needs to find what is though, and a job often helps with that as it, too, introduces them to various niches available in the world.
ps An example of trying to let him know youāre ok would be:
āOk kiddo/buddy (use your word not mine), you did a good job giving college a try, but perhaps itās not for you. Thatās ok. Itās not for everyone and they still do well with life. What else interests you? (Insert things you think heād be interested in or good at). No matter what, weāll always love you, so donāt forget that. College isnāt āyou.ā āYouā are you.ā (Yes, they need to hear that last part, even if they scoff at it - just rephrase it to fit your family, but donāt leave out the important āI love you no matter whatā words in words he speaks.)
Has he actually asked to come home, or has he asked to leave school?
I have been there with one kid with medical issues, and one kid with bipolar1 and ADHD.
If he gets professional help with diagnosis, some schools will do a retroactive medical withdrawal. Just tossing that in there.
The main thing is for parents to be accepting, I think. This is not a disaster, believe me. He can come home, get a job, eventually do community college or other training. He could also do internships or apprenticeships.
Parents can help open up a world of possibilities, and also reassure that things take time, and he can take that time to figure things out.
By all means get him a physical check. There is actually no test for ADHD. There is a questionnaire, which is easy enough to get from PCP or psychiatrist. But I would be careful not to pathologize at this moment in time.
Some people hate school. It doesnāt sound like he is doing poorly in other ways, but who knows. Does he still have friends near home?
One of my kids had two medical leaves as an undergrad and got PhD last year. The other just finished BA at age 30 after working and taking a class or two at a time. Different strokes. It can work out but I know it is a shock. If it is hard for you, try to see a therapist yourself to filter your feelings and reactions in a way that is helpful for him.
Iād disagree with this statement.
Right now you donāt have any idea what the real problem is. It could be a blip in life, deep depression, whatever. It could be a long term problem or a short one. What you do know is that he needs support right now and has asked for it. Go to him and figure it out. The most important thing is to know heās safe. Do what you can to mitigate the situation with the classesāand get a path to continue classes later on after this is resolved.
You are NOT the only parent to go through this! And itās like the whole world is crashing in some respects. But it is not. Youāll both get through it.
We went through this with our son a few years ago, and I posted here asking for help. Third quarter freshman year he came home after an accident. He recovered, but was treated for depression and anxiety. I thought (wishfully) that he was ready to go back to school in the fall. He made it through one quarter and then we had to rescue him again. This went on for the next year and a half - in and out of school. I was in denial. He was coping with life by self-medicating with alcohol and pot, not attending classes and floundering badly in his engineering major.
I always say that the pandemic saved us, because it forced him to be at home in a structured environment. He did online classes, changed his major to something less taxing, and worked. He went back in person for his last year of college. By now his friends had all moved on, and he lived alone. He finally graduated after 6 years, yay!
If I could do it over again, I would not have sent him back until he spent a year at home taking classes at the CC. I didnāt do this because I was worried that not being at his T20 university with his friends would affect him negatively, and I let this cloud my judgement. My son and I were both in denial and hoping it would just work itself out. Heās doing well now, but I will always be on guard to make sure he doesnāt slip through the cracks.
Donāt be afraid to take tough actions now. The pain of these decisions will diminish quickly as you help him work through his issues at home. This will give you breathing room to formulate a long-term plan that puts him on the path to success, whatever that means for him. Best of luck to you.
Agree with those saying the priority is identifying and dealing with his needs right now. Life does not always follow a linear path. His fate is not sealed just because things didnāt go as planned this year; he can figure out later if, when, and how college fits into his life.
You sound like a great parent. Best of luck to you and your son.
With our college kid, we have a standing agreement: Any time she wants to come home she can or if she wants us to visit, we will do so at the earliest.
Iām sorry that youāre dealing with this. I know from experience how difficult it can be.
It sounds a lot like depression and anxiety. Both are commonly associated with ADHD.
I agree with the others who are saying - tell him to come home. He can get a medical withdrawal, but first he should see a specialist. Tell him to come home, schedule an appointment for him with a mental health professional, and see where that leads.
Normally, I would not say that parents should schedule doctorās appointments, but if it is depression and/or anxiety, that would make it very difficult for your kid to do so.
Go get him. Can you take two days off of work and go tomorrow or Friday?
First thing tomorrow morning book an appointment for an evaluation with a good, solid psychiatrist.
Unfortunately, thereās a nationwide shortage of psychiatrists, and it could take weeks to get that appointment. Thatās why you should get on it ASAP. Then call every other day to check for cancellations. Maybe book appointments with three or four psychiatrists, keep dialing for cancellations, and take the first one you can get in to see. If thereās any way you can manage the finances, do not limit yourself to psychiatrists on your plan. Go out of network if you have to.
True story: We have a dear friend who is a board-certified, highly trained child/adolescent psychiatrist. His fee is high. Because he is expert in diagnosing and treating mental illness. He says that maybe only 10% his patientsā families start their journey with him. They donāt want to pay his fee. So they spend years with social workers, exercise programs, nutritionists, clergy, chiropractors, and other such avenues* before they finally land in his office. By that time they realize they would have saved thousands of dollars ā and would have gotten proper treatment sooner ā if they had started with him, even at his high fee.
If the psychiatrist does not think your son needs mental health treatment, it wonāt have been a waste of money. You will have ruled it out, and thatās a good thing!
*Not that thereās anything wrong with these professionals for the appropriate issues.
Look at it this wayā¦if this was NOT possibly mental illnessā¦if your kid had called/texted you to say, āIām really REALLY sick. Canāt even function enough to go to class. So sick that I lay around in bed all day. Too sick to do homework or ANYTHING,ā would you even be wondering if going to get him was a good idea or not?
No. Youād already have driven/flown there/done whatever it takes to go get him and take him to get immediate medical attention.
I am on the fence about going to psychiatry right away. It depends. I donāt think we have enough information. He could see a therapist first, and a PCP can diagnose ADHD. Certainly make an appointment with the psychiatrist.
It can take time for kids to āget thereā in terms of seeing a psychiatrist and I think the main thing is first to get him home and see what is going on. He might just hate school and love socializing, or he could have a serious diagnosis, and everything in between.