Just adding to my previous post. (Again may not apply to you).
You may wonder why his friends didn’t catch on that he wasn’t going to classes etc. This is common.
A depressed person may be very “up” for friends and act normal and never let on that there is a problem. It takes a lot of their internal resources and energy to do that. Then they collapse on you where they feel safer. Same thing happens when they are at home–want to go out with friends (parents say YEA! kid is getting better…). But they aren’t better–it’s a use of energy reserves. That’s the rollercoaster.
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At this age, legally and emotionally, autonomy is important in these situations. Parents can lead the horse to water…but… I think it is important to welcome a kid home, offer help and support, but most of all offer confidence in the future. Parents and young adult can discuss problems and solutions but unless depression is severe or there is danger to self or others, the kid needs to lead the way, which is tough (sometimes especially with boys!).
Transition to college is tough for everyone. And far away from home, sometimes more so. It is like falling off a cliff when it should be a gentle slope. This could be an adjustment issue. It is also the age when some mental health issues arise. It is impossible to know on the forum and I wish the family the best in dealing with the uncertainty.
Many of us have gone through this and over time, seen things work out really well.
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Like any medical professional, there are adequate ones and bad ones and excellent ones. A solid psychiatrist evaluates and diagnoses patients, and prescribes (not “doles out”) medication appropriately to treat psychiatric conditions like depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, and many others. It’s life-saving.
Suggesting that prescribing medication is somehow nefarious is dismissive of the 8+ years of training and the extremely important role that psychiatrists play in health care.
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For a lot of kids, there is still a lot of mental maturity happening up until age 26, along with mental health changes also often occurring at this time. It’s so tough.
Strictly speaking (ie. taking a moment to set aside your family’s salient medical history), there have always been students that haven’t successfully navigated the switch to more rigorous academics. Having complete freedom on their own to meet or not meet greater academic challenges is a somewhat new experience. In high school, it’s a smaller space and teachers/kids can see in class who is and isn’t around. Post-secondary, that is no longer the case.
If he is still at school, who can he access that can help be an academic “accountability peer” for him? Doing well in school subjects (the academics proper) is an entirely separate thing from doing well in the managing of coursework scheduling (finding the time to do homework, study, and prep work needed to get passing grades).
He was thrown into the deep end; perhaps he was shocked by not knowing what to do and retreated (had an episode in high school already, so there is a bit of a pattern).
The key here seems to be getting behind in a class and not seeking help. One missed class can start a cascade effect, and things progress rapidly.
Personal trainers are used to be accountable to fitness goals; perhaps your son could really benefit from a tutor for academic success. (Meeting a few times a week, and the tutor comes to him to start? Otherwise it’s something else he can try to blow off. Unfortunately, in his case, the large setting makes it easy for him to retreat, which will only increase his anxiety.)
Forming healthy habits aren’t always just physical ones, but mental ones. This is especially important for people who suffer from depression.
If he hasn’t left school yet and doesn’t want to leave his friends, someone to help him through the day-to-day organizational/emotional difficulties of being in a mess is crucial. If/when he does leave, then things are in place (medical withdrawal, leaving school on terms that doesn’t increase the damage to him down the road). Many kids need this organizational help when they head to college (especially on the quarter system, which is perhaps a harder system for your son to navigate than a semestered one due to the speed involved).
Getting work done and feeling better about himself is a good sign; but other posters have spoken about this in the context of larger concerns that must be addressed.
Obviously his mental needs require greater guidance. So sorry he is overwhelmed. And this post is not meant to negate what has previously been said by posters experienced in this matter.
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Just wanted to give an update. Son is home and has been seeing a therapist that he really likes. Of course since he is 19, I have no idea what they talk about. His general mood seems good, he is spending a lot of time with our family and has been working out daily. He is looking for a job although his follow through on leads seems to be a bit lacking. Says that all the jobs “suck” so we’re telling him thats why you go to college, so you don’t have to work an entry level job. We met with his neuropsych for a consult for the neuropsych evaluation and he really liked the Dr and my son seems to be all in on the evaluation. We also meet with a psychiatrist next week in case meds are recommended after the neuropsych. He’s obvoiusly offically taking a leave of absence for this quarter and he has up until 5 years to go back. He’s still aiming for Sept, but we’re taking it day by day. He might take a CC class this summer to work on his organizational skills and he will have to meet with a success coach once a week when he goes back as part of his academic probation.
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This is great news. Good that he thinks that all the jobs he can get with just the HS degree suck! Good that you pointed out this is what college is for, not for the party.
If and when he restarts college, make it a condition of his return that you have total and complete access to everything: FERPA for health, academics, permission to speak with all docs and dean, absolutely everything, and follow along with his progress daily at first, then weekly through that first term back in school, and maybe until he has his degree. Also, have serious discussions with him about major, career, object being work he will enjoy that will support him and a family, not just a 4 yr party.
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I was just wondering about you guys! Thank you for updating - I’m glad to hear he’s okay and things are coming along.
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Wow you and he are doing all the right things. He sounds very motivated.
A friend’s son just got a job at Trader Joe’s and is already moving up. He loves it. Young people seem to like working for Whole Foods too.
I don’t think you need to insist on access to all his info. That is up to him. I am sure there will be differing opinions on this!
It sounds like he will be further motivated to access support when he takes classes.
Thank you for letting us know!
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Thank you for circling back with the update. Things sound very promising!
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yay!!!
One thing for any return (and there is no timeline, so there’s no hurry) is to keep the courseload low. It isn’t so much academic difficulty of the classes as it is difficulty staying oriented and organized. Yes, it makes it take longer, but at least at first, success breeds success.
In our case we wanted access to grades and his advisor. We had weekly check ins but not much more. Took two tries to go back and stay there (old panic habits are hard to lose) but just go slow and you’ll be okay.
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