<p>For months I had been searching collegeboard, making lists of colleges and recently I started on college applications. For my daughter, who is gifted and ranked 2nd, everthing I did was "cool" and she would get around to writing her college essays "sometime". Her college choices were made with minimal input from her because she was doing homework, working as a cashier, seeing her boyfriend, and "busy" and she was sure Mom would look after everything. So recently I wrote her first college essay for her, which of course I wouldn't dream of sending off and which "sometime", and "well, before November 1 or Jan 1" she would get to and read and entirely re-write, because there are limits. I also realized, when looking at the list that at least one college was there because her Dad wanted to apply to it but never did because of family pressure and that one was there because Grandma thought that Princeton would be nice to brag about......AND I finally decided it might be time for me to let go. We cannot hold our children's hands through everything or convince them about the importance of the future when they are more concerned with the present......some parental input is important but we have to let go, physically and emotionally, especially in the pre- empty nest year and that may also be about college choices and applications!!</p>
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<p>Do yourself a favor and erase this completely from all computers so that there won’t be a temptation to use it, LOL!</p>
<p>YOU should NOT be making the lists of colleges. YOU should NOT be writing essays (even if she is to “re-write” it, she will edit it only because that is easier and otherwise, why have the one you wrote). {BTW, a college admissions person once told me that they have a pretty good idea whose essays were written or heavily edited by their parents. Each generation uses a different set of phrases, tempo, etc making it somewhat easy to tell. He would downgrade that app if he felt the student didn’t write it. Whether he really could or not, I don’t know. But why take the chance?}</p>
<p>The college app process is for her to do, NOT YOU. By you doing a lot of the upfront work for her, it provides her a reason not to do it herself. If she gets into a college and it turns out she doesn’t like it, you’ve provided a good rationale for her disliking the school; it’s your school, not hers.</p>
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What would those be? You’ve crossed a line most parents wouldn’t dream of touching, and could result in a deny from a college should they find out (chances a nil, but the idea is the same). Even parents here who advocate for helping in the process are generally in two camps. One offers administrative support such as reminding of dates and helping with a spreadsheet. The other will fill in mundane data on college apps, leaving critical data to their child. Some parents <em>edit</em> a well worked draft for their students (ie look for typos, grammar errors, etc.). Others feel more comfortable leaving this to a trusted teacher. I know of no parent here on cc, or elsewhere that has ever advocated for writing a first draft for their child’s essay. Does it happen? Sure, but admitting to it on an open forum as if it’s commonplace is not something I’ve seen. What is it that you are stepping back from at this point? You’ve done it all, and it is unethical.</p>
<p>I think you really need to step back and redefine what is healthy for both you, and your daughter in this process. Helping her organize when she is overwhelmed with AP homework and ECs may be good. Writing her essay so she has time to spend with her boyfriend (using your examples) is not doing anyone any favors. Writing her own essay is critical. Based on your temptation to ‘overdo’ I would suggest she work on edits with a trusted teacher. Over-polishing to the point that her essays no longer sound like her ‘voice’ is the kiss of death. She’s better to have a small typo or error and have it be uniquely her own, then to have it sound like someone else.</p>
<p>I agree–to some extent. My spouse, is a veteran educator at both the high school and college levels, advised me 2 years ago when I started seriously researching and prodding S1 about college (and was getting advice from all directions including this website), to remember that every kid is different, so even advice that sounds absolutely right might not be best for every teen.</p>
<p>Many (many) years ago when I was 17 I had no one prodding me or nagging me (or helping me) and I felt very lost and ended up not going to college after high school, but got a job instead (and I was a very mature 18 year old with straight A’s). As I matured over the next few years I started taking classes and finally, at the age of 28, finished my bachelor’s degree and got a career, instead of just a job. But I always regretted not having a true on-campus experience with my peers.</p>
<p>Fast forward to yesterday when we took our sweet, very gifted son to freshman move-in. As we left he put his arms around me and said “Mom, I never could have done this without you.” Of course he could have, but would he have gotten accepted to the ‘right fit’ schools or been awarded the scholarships he’d worked so hard for? Several of his friends have missed deadlines (that equated to acceptances or money lost) or made questionable college choices because their parents couldn’t or wouldn’t help.</p>
<p>Assess the message–is she telling you she isn’t ready for college? Or that she’s overwhelmed and don’t know where to start? This was my son’s problem. With college choices, he had no idea where to apply because he wasn’t sure what he wanted to major in. And with essays–in response to one of them he said “I’m only 18 years old–I haven’t even HAD a life-changing event!”. To that I made several suggestions, including suggesting some minor artistic embellishment! But he still waited until the final hour to finish, it was that tough for him. </p>
<p>College has gotten so competitive, probably most students who get the best offers have had parental pushing. You’re right–don’t write those essays. But don’t completely let go yet. Research shows the brain isn’t fully developed until about 25! You can let go gradually–especially once they’re in college and you know they’re doing okay.</p>
<p>“AND I finally decided it might be time for me to let go”</p>
<p>Might be?!? You are way beyond might.</p>
<p>I have the feeling you have done everything for her which she ever felt was even the slightest bit unpleasant. </p>
<p>I feel sorry for your daughter. I don’t know how she is going to manage to cope when she is on her own. </p>
<p>I suggest a Gap year. She needs to go and do something to gain some independence before she will be ready for college. </p>
<p>Sorry, for being so harsh.</p>
<p>Agree that some pushing and prodding is sometimes necessary but then back off and let the student do the research and the apps.</p>
<p>My son had a good idea of what he wanted to study but not where he wanted to go. I bought him the college guide book, gave him some suggestions and asked him to put together a list. We discussed it and he revised his list. Sure, I pushed a little, but it was always his choice on what schools to put onto the list. When he had the final list, he then had all the due dates. He did the apps himself, knowing the due dates (And me on the sidelines mashing my teeth wondering if he was going to make the deadlines. He did.)</p>
<p>My daughter had only a general idea of what she wanted to study and absolutely no clue where she wanted to go. Even after all these years, I still have some college friends that are teaching back where I went to school. I visited one of them one day and dragged my daughter along. While we were there, I said why don’t we do the admissions tour thing, just to see what’s like. We did and it got her started thinking more about colleges. With a little pushing on my part, we visited another college and week later and off she went. Then it was the guide, list thing like my son did. She ended up not applying to my college, which I didn’t think was a good fit for her anyways.</p>
<p>I had a friend whose daughter - an academic superstar, and a recruited athlete to boot - was similarly unmotivated about the college search process. Friend is on the faculty of a low-tier mostly commuter college. She told her daughter, “Okay, if you’re not interested in looking at schools, you can just go to [where I teach] - the tuition will be free, and you can live at home.” Daughter all of a sudden developed an interest in looking at colleges.</p>
<p>OP–have you taken her to look at a few schools? Sometimes, especially if your D doesn’t really know what she wants, it helps to get on a campus to see what it’s like. Maybe visit with a student a year or so ahead, have lunch, sit in on a class… If she’s gifted, missing a day or two of HS won’t really matter in the long run, and it might give her a bit of motivation.</p>
<p>I agree about erasing the essay from all computers and tearing up any copies that may have been printed. It will reduce the temptation from you and your D.</p>
<p>I had a friend who “helped” her valedictorian D by submitting the on-line application to an Ivy league school, since the D was ‘too busy’. After it was submitted, she realized that she attached the essay for the wrong Ivy league school. It was too late to resubmit. Needless to say, her D did not get in the school, but did get into other Ivies.</p>
<p>My daughter’s English teacher said the bright line for parents ought to be the computer keyboard…if your hands are on the keyboard for work that is supposed to be your student’s, you have crossed the line.</p>
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<p>I like that. I was more than willing to be the “secretary” to get paperwork together.</p>
<p>I will also say that I drew up the list of schools to visit. D told me what she wanted…major, size of school, area of the country, etc. The important thing was that she wanted OOS…I told her that there was no more money in the fund just because she wanted to go OOS. She said, “Don’t let me visit any school we can’t afford.” So I researched merit aid, etc. We visited 11 schools and she found one that she loves (at least so far.)</p>
<p>I did my daughters’ administrative stuff, particularly the older one because she applied when applications were always submitted on paper. I saw no reason for her to do photocopying and envelope stuffing when I could do it easily at work. For D2, I did a little of this and a little of that, proofread the final essay, but my greatest contribution was to demand a “parent’s choice” application at a school I thought was perfect for her. She chose not to visit before acceptances, but it was the last school she visited after and only to humor me. That is where she now attends and I still believe it’s the right choice for her, so I would overstep that way again.</p>
<p>I have been active in coming up with a proposed list of colleges for my son to apply to, and have also been active in obtaining information regarding the relevant colleges, but I would not write his essays or fill out the applications. That is going WAY too far. Evidently, your daughter thinks you are now her “employee”, and that you will do everything for her. I have this image in my head of her out at the mall with her friends while you are at home doing her college applications for her.</p>
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I take respectful exception to this.
Some high schools have excellent college counselors who know the students well and do, in fact, make lists of colleges to consider. Hooray for those fortunate students.</p>
<p>In the absence of such stellar advising, what is wrong with parents doing the same thing? </p>
<p>Granted, each kid is different: some do not need and would not abide such parental involvement. That’s fine, too.</p>
<p>Starting applications? Writing essays? Nope! But helping with the first parts of what can seem an overwhelming winnowing process seems OK to me.</p>
<p>I don’t have a problem with parents coming up with suggestions for colleges that a student might want to look at, or at parents taking the students on college visits dictated on the parents thoughts. I deliberately took my son to two colleges I thought he’d hate (one too urban, one too rural) so that he could be sure that he wanted to reject them. There were things I liked about both colleges that I thought would be good for him, but I wasn’t invested in either of them making the final list - which they didn’t.</p>
<p>I would never write an essay, but we did say things like “Maybe you could write something about x or y.” We read rough drafts and made suggestions, some of which he rejected and some he didn’t.</p>
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My D wrote something in her essay that was very funny, but if not handled correctly it might have been offensive. So I did offer suggestions on how that could be made self deprecating, rather than obnoxious. I think she succeeded.</p>
<p>i give the OP credit! some parents dont realize they may be going over the line… i think she may well have BUT perhaps that was her way of dealing with feeling anxious about the whole process. My son was at boarding school about 6 hours away, and college selection, planning, apps, essays etc all had to be reviewed by phone and or email… sometimes i would just make lists and lists and lists to relieve my own stress as i didnt want every conversation to be totally about college, but felt i “had” to do something…had no idea what he was doing that far away.</p>
<p>the OP realizes her “mistakes” and now can proceed from there!</p>
<p>@ parent56 - I can’t imagine the added stress of going through the application process with your student away at school. That must have been very difficult. I give you a lot of credit!!</p>
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I don’t think they really do. There’s no ‘a-ha moment’ where they realize ‘oh my gosh, I just wrote my daughter’s essay! That’s waaayyy over the line, what did I almost do?!’. With something like that you can understand and help ‘talk them down’, but I don’t think they understand the gravity of what they did yet…well, maybe now with these responses. I don’t think anyone is trying to be harsh at all, simply point out the line they think they are <em>not</em> crossing is well behind them.</p>
<p>I agree that there is nothing wrong, in fact I think it’s good parenting, to provide information, suggest match/reach/safety options, point out/remind deadline dates, investigate options, look at websites together, discuss finances etc. Taking your child on campus tours…even better.</p>
<p>It’s the responsible thing to do, imhu, to discuss with your child as a very young adult what their options in life can be. College prep high school guidance counselors do this for a living for those who can afford to send their kids to private school.</p>
<p>But at this point, if the child is non responsive and apathetic about the opportunity - Then explain that you will “let them be.” Give her sincere, advance notice that you are turning it over to her. Have a frank talk with her about expectations for after high-school, i.e. school vs. work, will she pay rent, what does she want to do? This IS the time in their life when we start to hand over the reigns…in every which way, (and it’s scary and hard.) She may just need a year or two to figure out/commit to what she wants to do.</p>