<p>It is inevitable that there comes a time when a kid will decide to spend a holiday with the family of her husband/significant other.</p>
<p>You should get used to the fact that she has her own life now, and be thankful you have a kid who is doing well.</p>
<p>If the boyfriend was not willing to pay for her air fare, you would probably be complaining about THAT, rather than complaining that he IS paying for her air fare.</p>
<p>On a side topic - </p>
<p>Floridadad - would you pay for your kid’s SO to visit you when your S is off to college?</p>
<p>I suspect I would say no if my kid ever asked!</p>
<p>There comes a point where you have to let them go. My only child is also a junior in college and has a serious boyfriend of a year. I can see a scenario developing where she will spend more and more time with him, like summers and breaks. The holiday dilemma hasn’t happened yet, because each one still spends the main days of the major holidays like Christmas with the parents. But they spent/plan to spend the rest of winter break (New Years) and spring break together. This Thanksgiving we will be alone, because she is Spain on study abroad. We have extended family and our own parents to be with- not every occasion will include our only D. Husband and I have to get used to that, and start enjoying each other’s company again. It’s why we have dogs (buy pet insurance, BTW- it has really paid off for us). </p>
<p>The reality is, sooner or later,
we may only see her a couple of times a year. That’s what my husband did to his parents for the past 25 years, when he left his small hometown to pursue a career in Hollywood. It’s what happens. </p>
<p>Would I pay for the SO? Yes. For example, she wants him to come with us on our family vacation this summer. I will pay for him because the price of the ticket is worth it to me for her happiness. If you have an only child, you know they will have much more fun if someone their own age comes along on the trip. For me now, it’s all about making good memories, and having fun together as a family. Everyone is happier when he is included. That’s what counts for me. I don’t care about the money.</p>
<p>I think she should spend at least a week or two with you and over the holiday…she can then go visit the BF and go back to college from California. I don’t think you need to feel obligated for the cost of her jaunt to California. Let her work that part out…if the boyfriend pays for that NY to CA back to college ticket, let him. I would have no trouble telling my kids “no, I won’t buy a plane ticket for you to visit your friend over the break.”</p>
<p>I didn’t read the part that she is spending 3 weeks with her family before going to visit the boyfriend. I think that’s perfect reasonable. They do have their own life.</p>
<p>I would pay for my kid’s BF to visit us if the cost is high, or if I knew he just couldn’t afford it. For this holiday, I did ask D1 if she wanted us to pay for her BF to go away with us. BF declined because he is working now and he didn’t feel comfortable in accepting it. I would pay for my kid’s family to go on vacation with us (if we could afford it) someday if that’s the only way for us to do it. You can’t buy time.</p>
<p>Oldfort, I read the OP as saying that her D has a three week winter break and is planning to spend one week with BF’s family in CA which leaves two weeks at home in New York (that includes the holiday).</p>
<p>Hi Cathyn518~
Your question is a fair question, and probably has been asked ever since young adults chose to attend college away from home.
From my perspective…Your DD has had this relationship for an extended period of time, she has been sensitive to your feelings in discussing this trip, and she has crafted a compromise that allows for time spend with you and her BF. All are commendable, and deserve your support. In so doing, you will have a DD who will be empowered, and more willing to share in the years ahead.
To put it another way…Let her go, and don’t let her see you cry.
Hang in there-APOL-a Mum</p>
<p>OP
Keep it in perspectyive- its jsut a holiday break and apparently she will be spending at least part of the time with you. I don’t mean to sidetrack the thread, but My older S maybe, in my opinion, making a bad job decision that will take him away from his current one and across country, where his gf nos is. Its not the time or place to go into detail, but the more my DH and I hear about the opportunity, the morewe think he should turn it down. But guess what-- it isn’t my choice. We will all have to live with the decision he makes.</p>
<p>Well, I said “fractured” because I didn’t want to be too specific. My daughter’s boyfriend hasn’t talked to his father in three years and has on occasion, broken down crying about the situation. When I said parents, I meant Mom and StepDad</p>
<p>I tend to agree that the gift of airfare is a bit much, but all you can do is offer your advice on the subject and then step back. Your D an adult and gets to make her own decisions, even dumb ones.</p>
<p>As for you reaction to their spending so much time together–have you forgotten what it’s like to be in love? I met H freshman year in college, and at school we ate every dinner together, studied together at the library every evening, and spent every weekend together. During vacations we often visited back and forth. That’s the way committed college relationships go. As for the “fractured” family–I fail to see how this reflects badly on the boy. He didn’t create the situation. Meanwhile, he’s attending an Ivy League school and has a family supportive and generous enough to be willing to host his girlfriend and pay her airfare. Hardly a horror show. Your resentment about the relationship suggests there’s more to this story…</p>
<p>I don’t see what his “fractured” family has to do with anything. He didn’t create his parental situation. Many kids have divorced parents and parents who have remarried. If anything, I’d feel badly if the boy and his birth dad have been estranged for a few years. I don’t even know him and I want to cry for his situation. What’s the problem that he cries about it? It is very painful. What does this have to do with your daughter though? In any case, his family is welcoming your D to visit and apparently helping son to pay for the visit. </p>
<p>Again, I would not pay for my D’s trip to visit a friend or to travel for pleasure (when it doesn’t involve our family) and can see your not paying for it. My kids are expected to fund their vacations themselves unless it is with our family. You don’t owe your D that “extra.” But I truly think it is reasonable for her to spend PART of her winter break with friends and PART with you. If she was skipping XMas with you, I think you would have a more valid complaint. Given the situation you described, I think it is very reasonable for your D to spend one third of her break with her BF and 2/3’s with you, including the actual holiday. I think you are looking at possible problems in the future if you stand in your D’s way. She did at least run it by you. Her request or decision is very reasonable for her age and length of the relationship. </p>
<p>I am getting a feeling you have some negative feelings about this young man since you bring up his “fractured” family which doesn’t seem relevant to the issue at hand. You may wish to explore what the true issue is. But I think it would be detrimental to your D if you come across as not approving of her BF or standing in the way of their vacation together considering your D is going to spend a significant part of her long break with you and especially is spending the holiday with you (which I think you have a right to expect).</p>
<p>This strikes a chord with me because I’m experiencing pangs of separation around this year’s winter break. My S, a college senior, is staying at school for two weeks to work, then coming home for two weeks. This means he won’t be home on Christmas, but he’ll join us for Christmas Day and the day after in a city near his college town where my H’s family lives. It kind of feels like he’s practicing for life after college! I’m so proud of him as an adult but of course wish he still believed in Santa (not really, but you get my drift).</p>
<p>This is just the beginning of the next phase in our lives as parents, and that’s true for the OP and others posting here as well. We do have to let them go. I vowed I would never lay on a guilt trip about holidays like my mother used to do. It sounds like the OP’s D is in fact spending most of her break at home, so what’'s wrong with visiting the BF? I sense the negative feelings toward the BF, too. But a holiday visit doesn’t mean they’re getting married tomorrow. Young adults visit BF/GF’s families all the time.</p>
<p>I think its normal to want to have your D with you at holiday time and enjoy time spent with them as long as you are able. Especially as she has spent summers away. Especially since it sounds like you don’t believe the relationship is healthy. I find myself rolling my eyes when I hear about a couple in college who cant wait the entire vacation to see each other again. I think it’s actually healthier for a young person to focus on themselves for a bit and have some time off from the other. I also don’t see a big deal about the boy paying airfare. You cant make her stay, but you can possibly rationally explain that you would really like to spend quality time together etc. Perhaps she doesnt understand the extent of you missing her.</p>
<p>However, I do agree with an earlier poster wondering if this situation is real.</p>
<p>Why not ask her to reverse the arrangement such that the BF come to stay with YOU?</p>
<p>That way he spends the money on the airfare, you get to see your D longer, and you also get to see them together and get to know the BF better. </p>
<p>To me the biggest worry is that she may be in an unhealthy relationship, which can be a good learning experience, but still, you may be able to help her out very gently in this department IF you spend some time with them together.</p>
<p>She is an adult, but not yet completely financially independent or completely mature. At this stage, living life and making mistakes is really the best way for her to learn and mature. But with love and care, you can still offer support and advice, and help her see things she may be missing, if any.</p>
<p>Advice columns are full to the brim with letters around the holidays because of all the guilt trips that parents lay on their children. If the holidays are warm and cozy and comfortable for all, then the children (adult children and small ones) will want to be there. But occasionally it won’t work out for various reasons, including work, illness, and obligations to the other family. My BIL has created a Christmas hell for my in-laws because of the demands of his wife’s mother that they always be at her house for every Christmas, leaving my in-laws alone with the torn wrapping paper after the present-opening frenzy as they rush back to North Carolina for the second Christmas. It’s craziness.<br>
I can understand the young couple wanting to spend some vacation time together. While they are in school, especially if it’s an intense Ivy-league atmosphere, they may never get any downtime together. If they are a real couple, it’s important for them to get to know each other off campus, spend time with each other’s family, meet the SO’s friends, see where he/she came from. I would support that, not necessarily with money, but emotionally. If they are going to last as a couple, they need to feel welcomed, not resented.</p>
<p>Just because D sees him all the time at school, I don’t get the logic of not spending any vacation time together. At school, well, they are not truly on vacation. If D goes home for two weeks (that’s a nice extended visit) and visits BF for one week, they get to have some time off together which is not the same as when they are at school. Maybe he also would like her to meet or visit his family and friends? Of course, he also could come visit D in New York. But the fact that they see each other a lot at school means they don’t need to spend any of the break together doesn’t entirely add up because vacation is not like classes and homework. And…they’d be taking a two week break from one another to visit their respective families for the holiday (which they should do in my opinion). This is not an either/or situation. They can do both!</p>
<p>When my younger D called to ask if I would mind that she was invited to BF’s over the holiday (again, we don’t celebrate XMas and so I realize that one fact is different), she wasn’t really asking my permission (she is 23 and supports herself) but wanted to make sure I didn’t mind…but my point is that she was very clear she would come home a different time, likely in January INSTEAD. It was very clear it was not an either/or situation but a way to accomplish both visiting me and taking BF and his family’s invitation up which was a birthday present he was giving her. Seems rather win/win to me. Not that different than your D splitting her school break. My kids never came home for the entire break (even when they had six weeks off, they came home for no more than about eight days).</p>
<p>By the way, my older D is in grad school and has six weeks off for her winter break from school. She will visit me for 13 days which is a very long time (but it is also across the country). I would never ever expect her to use up her entire winter break even though she is located a lot further from home than your D is (you said you live in New York and she goes to an Ivy).</p>
<p>Call me stuck in the 19th century, but until there’s a ring, the kid spends the holidays with her own family. However, one week with bf and fam out of a three week break is a far different thing than not coming home for the holidays. If this were the only issue, I’d agree you may be hanging on too tight and need to let go. </p>
<p>However, this does not appear to be the only issue. There is some concern, it seems, that the D in question is not in a terribly healthy relationship. Mom does not believe the woman has much of a social circle outside bf. My own d did that very thing in hs, but it was a prison of her own making. </p>
<p>We have little control over the romantic lives of our children (sad, as I would love to be able to tell my d to move on from current bf and have her listen). And if we exert what little control we do have, it’s going to backfire big time. There are circumstances (abuse) where you may feel you have to risk alienating your child and step in, but this really doesn’t sound like one of them.</p>
<p>I haven’t read anyone here recommending that the daughter not spend the actual holiday with her own family, me included! I think she definitely should. </p>
<p>But this is not about the holiday or even a visit home. The D is spending the holiday with her family and supposedly two whole weeks (more than my kids ever spent on their breaks due to their other activities over breaks which we supported them doing). </p>
<p>The D and her BF may spend a lot of time together but on the other hand, mom hasn’t indicated that D hasn’t kept up with school and she is apparently succeeding at school and still plans to apply to vet school and so it doesn’t sound like the BF has gotten in the way of those important things. </p>
<p>The issue that he comes from a “fractured” family ought to be a non-issue in my opinion for this girl’s parents.</p>
<p>Great advice and much appreciate the kind words used to express it. Thank you.</p>
<p>cathyn, I commend you for seeking out other perspectives and hope it has been beneficial as you consider the situation. Sounds like you have a really great daughter. On the bright side, she sounds ambitious and successful and is happy with the boy she is dating and she is still quite young and who knows if they will be a couple beyond this year or beyond college.</p>