<p>Thanks for all the support. My dad actually talked to me today about putting me in charge of paying bills and such for them, as I’d be able to afford the upfront money they’d need when bills are due at the beginning of the month, that they won’t have until later. He also admitted that it would make things easier for them as it would keep the money out of their hands. My mom grew up with a very money-hungry mother, so whenever there’s any extra money, she scoffs at the idea of saving it as something that is selfish and pointless. I may try doing that for them, as the net cost for me would then be 0, so long as they are diligent about paying me back and provided I have enough in financial aid that I can handle it not working out one month, and stop it until they have. This arrangement wouldn’t require me to stay if I still want to move for the more supportive environment.</p>
<p>I greatly appreciate all the support and advice. I’ve had a somewhat sheltered life, as my parents believed in a “hands-off” approach to raising me, which has boosted my independence, but makes it difficult for me to recognize the acceptable thing to do in the more questionable moral areas such as this.</p>
<p>IMO it’s not acceptable for your parents to put you in charge of paying their bills, fronting them money to do so, or essentially making you almost the head of the household. It’s actually pretty bizarre for them to do so at this point in your life. I think your parents need to be in charge of their own household and you need to get away from the situation and take care of your education right now. Somehow your parents have managed, albeit not very well, until now so they can pay their own bills. If you loan or front them any money just make sure you have no expectations of being paid back.</p>
<p>Hmm, true… I think this idea was based on the idea of me staying, and I haven’t agreed to anything. I think maybe I’ll just stall until I move and then I’ll have a whole host of reasons why I can’t/shouldn’t.</p>
<p>I agree with above posters – don’t get drawn into their financial lives anymore than you have to. This monthly bill arrangements sounds like a disaster and is in direct opposition with your plan of weaning them off any support from you for now, so you can contribute later in their lives when they may be more needy, and you’re better able to. (this sounds like a good plan and mindset for you to have.) I don’t want to malign your parents, but to this outsider, it almost sounds like they are planning to have you pay their bills from now on, and this is their strategy. It’s kind of outrageous. </p>
<p>The more your write, the more it sounds like you should move out, at least for now. They really need to get used to not depending on (exploiting) you so much.</p>
<p>Becoming the family financial manager is one thing. Becoming the family bank is quite another. If your father is so overwhelmed by things that he really needs someone else to keep track of the bills, pay them on time, and hand him his lunch money once a week that is fine. But this has to be his own money that is being handed to him. Lots of people have signatures on their parents checking accounts and sit down on the first of the month to pay their parents’ bills out of those accounts. Granted, usually the people signing their parents’ checks for them are about the age of your parents, and the checks are being paid for people about the age of your grandparents. However, it is not unheard of for a better-abled person of your age to handle the accounts of less-abled parents/grandparents/other family members. </p>
<p>What you need to avoid, at all costs, is fronting your own money for their expenses with the hope/expectation that they will be able to pay you back in X days/weeks/months. That responsibility is something that should be taken on by a bank/credit union/adult family member. Not by a student who needs to devote her income to her educational expenses.</p>
<p>I think that you should encourage your dad to get help with organizing his finances from an adult who he trusts either at his bank/credit union or in the family. You will not have the time to devote to this if you are studying and commuting to and from your college.</p>
<p>I encourage you to learn to create healthy boundries. And a brick wall around your finances. You need that money for school. The pay the bills plan seems like a bad idea…what happens when they don’t pay you back? You drop out of school? Don’t have gas to get there?
Is there a family member who lives closer to school? You could move, letting your parents know that it is a cost saving issue for you (less gas/commute time). If you have extra cash, buy a grocery gift card or the like as a gift now and then (be sure there is no set schedule). Any money you give you should count as gone forever.<br>
Look around the local area for credit counselors for your parents. If they ask for money, well you don’t have any, but you know of an organization that can help them budget/plan more effectively…give them the information for the credit counselors.
Good luck. You should consider contacting the counselors for help in dealing with all this.</p>
<p>Totally disagree with post #29. You may have very well been raised properly…by yourself. Please do not put yourself in the situation of being the family bank. It can only lead to disaster and bad feelings, as if they have not been able to control their spending so far, it will not get better with you fronting the money. You should not be connected financially to giving your parents money while you are a student, scrimping and saving yourself. Maybe help them out later if you have extra money, and the desire.</p>
<p>*My dad actually talked to me today about putting me in charge of paying bills and such for them, as I’d be able to afford the upfront money they’d need when bills are due at the beginning of the month, that they won’t have until later. He also admitted that it would make things easier for them as it would keep the money out of their hands. *</p>
<p>This is a scary situation for many reasons…</p>
<p>You are “fronting” the money, yet do you have ANY REAL guarantee that you will have complete access to all of your dad’s paycheck each month? I doubt it.</p>
<p>You become the “bad guy” when you have to say “no,” you can’t afford to buy X.</p>
<p>Please read “Toxic Parents” and “Emotional Blackmail” by Susan Forward. While the Toxic parents in her book are pretty extreme, the author does a great job of illustrating how we get into ruts and why it is so darn hard to get out of them. She helps the reader find ways to establish boundaries (which it sounds like you could really, really use right now). </p>
<p>I also weigh in on NO! NO! Don’t take the family check book over! Please tell your Dad that you haven’t had the experience yet of even managing for one person – so you know that trying to cope for three would be impossible. </p>
<p>It is totally possible to love your parents and be a real asset to them without being a doormat. You can tell them that you need some time to turn into a full adult – that some time away will keep the family from getting stale and in a rut – that you love them – but you also need them to be courageous and supportive as you try your wings. </p>
<p>One stumbling block for a disabled person is fear – fear that they will not be able to cope without the usual person(s) in their usual roles. So, ask your mother if there are things that she worries about. What are her fears if you move out? Sometimes it boils down to some really minor things that can be addressed. Make sure your mom knows that a handicapped person can outlive a caregiver because sometimes the caregiver flat wears out. This is true – and you can give that message without being nasty. It is up to the person with the disability to find the courage and coping mechanisms to keep the family from imploding (I write this as a person with a major handicap myself. I often only want my family to do certain tasks - and have to make sure I don’t weigh them down just because of my fears!). </p>
<p>Is there a support group for your mother (and your father!) with others who have her condition?</p>
<p>You can love your parents and still have a life.</p>
<p>My dad approached me again tonight about the plan and, while I didn’t want to get into a deep conversation with him about it, as we were talking in the parking lot while he was at work, I suggested him just getting his own account and putting all of the money into it and using a debit card, and he argues that my mom would just pressure him into withdrawing it when she wanted something. I pointed out that he would have to get used to it sooner or later, and he said it would be fine since we had until summer to work that out. I just said I had to head back home and he missed the point and thought I was just anxious to get back to talking with my friends and let me go without saying anything. I’m obviously not going with his plan at this point, especially as it doesn’t mesh with me moving out, which I’m wanting for more than just financial reasons at this point.</p>
<p>Now I have to think of some way to explain that my moving is for a reason other than their tendency to borrow money from me, as that would just lead to him lowering the terms to lure me into staying, and being dismayed when I don’t, while not hurting his feelings by implying that I can’t stand them (he’s extreme like that). I have no real rules here beyond respect and self-preservation, so freedom isn’t really any reason… I don’t want them to think that I’m running away from them, when all I’m doing is trying to get a bit of space from them, financially and emotionally, as their bitterness for the past 6 years has begun to wear on me. I also worry that the stress is getting to my mom, as she’s been having more severe memory problems for about the past week. At one point she forgot several separate conversations in which I mentioned my plans to move, being confused when I made an offhand comment about it.</p>
<p>Well, my sympathy for them just dropped several notches. My mom just told me that if I try to move my dad plans on not letting me take the beat up old car that he let me have when they got a new one a few years ago. This is just petty and rude. I am not going to let him manipulate me into staying and being the family bank while he makes up excuses about not allowing me to be a burden on others and me needing the emotional support of my parents for the first year. The first is remedied by the fact that this set-up was offered, with no hinting from me, by the family I’d be living with. The second is just laughable, with the amount of drama, responsibilities, and expectations they keep trying to saddle me with.</p>
<p>If they do this, they’re going to have a significantly smaller chance of me helping them at all. What are they going to do if I don’t then? Throw me out? The really petty thing is that only one of them can drive, so keeping my car has no benefit whatsoever to them beyond trapping me here. I’d also say my grandfather would be furious if he finds out that I’m trying to find a way to help them out without having to pay to stay here (which he vehemently disagrees with for the same reasons you do), and Dad is sabotaging me by holding hostage the car that my grandfather paid hundreds of dollars to get fixed for me.</p>
<p>I’m very upset about this, as even I didn’t expect my dad to sink this low. He’s lost a great deal of what respect I had left of him, and I can assure him that he’s not getting a penny out of me if he does this. He may have the legal right to do this, as the car has a problem with the paperwork that would lift the lien and let the title be transferred, but following through with it amounts to an attempt to create a cage. I refuse to be treated like an unruly child at 18 years old when I’ve shown more maturity these past few years than he has!</p>
<p>That’s what I was thinking. A part of me is glad that this happened, because now if I can’t move out (which I intend to do if at all possible anyways) then I have a legitimate reason to cease helping them. Either I’m staying here and helping them out voluntarily, or they want me to stay here so badly that they’re willing to cover the expenses for me staying on their own. It also makes it easier to follow through with my plan to move out, as anybody who tries to treat me like that deserves only as much financial help as I feel is necessary, not how much is wanted. This turn of events is good news for my wallet. If during our eventual discussion I can’t make him see my side of things, then I can at least appeal to his pocketbook in how shortsighted it is to alienate somebody and then expect them to help you.</p>
<p>As angry as I am about it, I’m letting my mom talk to him about it, as I don’t trust myself to be able to discuss it calmly, and I would still like to avoid undue strain between us, if for no other reason than to avoid as much drama as possible. She’s just as surprised and disappointed in him as I am, as her parents did this exact thing to her when she moved out, and he was furious when that happened. Hopefully he will see reason once she reminds him how that turned out for her parents (she moved anyways and they’ve only recently begun speaking to one another again, after over 15 years).</p>
<p>You could figure out how to take public transportation (if available) from wherever you’ll live to college and forego the car. You could also possibly buy an inexpensive car for less than you’re paying your parents to live there.</p>
<p>OP – My thoughts and prayers are with you. This is a stressful situation, and as others have said, toxic. </p>
<p>I assume the car is in your Dad’s name.</p>
<p>You have been very mature and thoughtful, so I assume you have already looked into other transportation options. If not, then please do not forget to check out “ride boards”, including ride boards for the school workers and faculty.</p>
<p>I would get out as soon as possible. Time & distance may be necessary.</p>