<p>Have you told your grandfather what’s going on? He might be able to help you.</p>
<p>I encourage you to hang onto as much maturity and dignity as you can. It will be easy to let this devolve into an angry shouting match. Try to be firm but not “loose it.” You will all be better for it if you can manage that. </p>
<p>The standard rules for doing so are:
- Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements (as in “I am upset that I can’t take the car” instead of “You are being petty.”)
- Take time to listen completely and respectfully (it is easy to be working up your angry rebuttal in your brain instead of really listening).
- Ask interview style questions – as in “So, what scenario are you visualizing here?” and “Tell me what you see happening over the next three years” and “Tell me what would frighten you if I moved out today”. All of these are meant to get them to verbalize a lot – and they may find that what is coming out of their mouths is a bit silly. (Far better that you screaming “you are being an idiot!”).
- It is ok to make a statement and NOT jump in with a solution, as in “What you are suggesting doesn’t work for me.” Say that firmly but respectfully and then be quiet. LEt them offer more –
- Agree to a common goal “We all want for all of us to love and respect and support one another – so the challenge is for us to work out the details so it works for EACH of us. If it just works out for you two, we have not succeeded.”</p>
<p>You have the chance here to come out of this stronger – it won’t be easy. No one can push our internal buttons like family members – but you can build in some new ways of being family – you don’t have to blow up the whole unit into smithereens (which will happen if you loose your temper).</p>
<p>Thanks for the advice Olymom, I’ll keep that in mind. It helps that my mom gave me advance notice, so that I’m not suddenly thrust into an unforeseen situation. I’m much calmer now, and Dad just found out he’ll be getting a slight promotion that will bring in a little bit more money (like, $40 a week), so he may be less demanding of me for at least the next little while, giving me time to move before he becomes depressed again.</p>
<p>There are people in the world that just seem to be unable to handle the stresses of life, they need help all the time from someone. Many of us like to be the knight on a white horse, like to help someone, and think we are rescuing them from a one time problem which we later realise (like B’rer Rabbit & the tar baby) that it is a lifelong issue not an emergency.</p>
<p>They have survived to be 40-50ish without you being in charge, they lived without your check before you were born, they have been able to run their lives. Don’t fall for the trap that only you can save them. You could give everything you had to give- time, energy, money ($750 for a family member!!!) and when you’ve been wrung dry and finally give up, they will move on to the next person.</p>
<p>So, only give what you CAN safely give. We’ve all seen Judge Judy where the girl paid for someone’s XYZ (cell phone, car, furniture, whatever) on her credit card knowing they would pay her back. Now she is in court, on TV,owes $5k in bills including late fees & penalties and her credit score is wrecked & her auto insurance increased because of it, etc. </p>
<p>Never ever lend what you cannot afford to give.</p>
<p>That means money, time, energy, etc.</p>
<p>Do all the right things for them that you can do, and that you can afford to do. But do not put yourself at risk, once you’re hurt by them and no longer giving, they won’t fix the wrongs, they’ll move onto the next person, leaving you damaged and disillusioned.</p>
<p>So, decide what you need to do for you, you don’t need to make a hostile angry break. Just a steady sure purposeful move toward your goals</p>
<p>"Just a steady sure purposeful move toward your goals "
Great advice. Stay calm, focused and determined in your conversations with your parents. Figure out what you are willing and not willing to do, and do not waver. Then, give your father a little time. He sounds like someone who is either impulsive or desperate, at least in this situation. Give him a chance to calm down and maybe he will see the situation more clearly. Unfortunately, you are going to have to set the example here, of clear, calm thinking. Try not to speak out of anger.</p>
<p>Excellent advice. I add, never give them anything you expect to be returned. It will only lead to hard feelings if they don’t pay you back. As far as the car, if a car is neccessary to get to school, you are better off getting a loan for a cheap used car than stay in a bad situation to keep it. Though it’s good to stay out of debt as long as possible, this may be well worth it. You will no doubt have an extremely stable income as soon as you graduate, in your career field…don’t buy yourself a Porshe, but something adequate.</p>
<p>Look, This is a bit of a draconian view on it but …</p>
<p>Thier probally going to be poor the rest of their lives. Its nasty to say but the truth is they never had money there whole lives so its not gonna kill them to lose what ever they are gonna lose. </p>
<p>What I think will kill them is if you decide to help them out, versu not going to school and perpetuationg a nother generation of sub-adequate living</p>
<p>You say your parent s are charging you to stay there. Does your FA include money for room/board? You indicate you have a full ride. Does that include housing? If not, you as a college student would be responsible for those costs. If I understand your post correctly, are your parents dependent on your $300/month from your portion of moms disability check while you were a minor? If so, make a rental agreement with your parents for X dollars a month. If you lived on campus, your room and board would be much more than $2700/ for 9 months! Put it in writing and tell them that you want to take care of your portion of living expenses as an adult. You can choose to live at home and contribute or live elsewhere, either way you will be paying. If you have a full ride, you can cover housing expenses with a Stafford loan and/or working.</p>
<p>Sorry if I sound harsh, but the parents that have been posting are also ones who would advocate that their children have “skin in the game.” While the OP’s parents may not have gone about it in the correct way, I don’t think it is unreasonable for the OP to contribute to the household as an adult, considering he/she would have to wherever they lived.</p>