@egstarr: I feel your pain regarding your girl going away to boarding school and how much you’ll miss her. I just got my kid back yesterday, having completed her sophomore year at an all-girls school. I am thrilled to have her home, and I miss her like crazy when she is at school. But the benefits (to her) are well worth the pain (mine). This was about what was best for her – not me. There’s no way I could not have supported her decision to go – it was an incredible opportunity and she has made the most of it. I encourage you to read the threads on the Prep School Parents Forum. You will find many, many parents there who are willing to share their experiences and offer support. Congrats to your daughter for reaching a goal she has wanted since 6th grade! And welcome to the forum.
Boarding school parents make a personal sacrifice for the advantage and enrichment of their student. I wasted time feeling all dramatic about mine being away instead of getting a life. I found we had great communication even though she was in school. Visits on breaks and bringing friends for a visit were great. The student will be far and beyond more prepared for college and will have a really seamless transition and a lot of insight in choosing colleges.
I agree with most of the parents in your other thread in that now that you have let her apply, she has got the financial award that it is too late. You should realized that of course you will have some adjustment on your part and the feelings may not entirely pass but you will have many things to offset that when you find how she is able to do all the academics and activities that she wants. You have all summer to enjoy her and there will be thanksgiving and winter, spring and next summer, and you will really both enjoy those breaks and probably have a more meaningful relationship.
in case you lost your other thread
http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-parents/1782494-my-14-year-old-daughter-is-going-away-to-boarding-school-in-the-fall-and-i-am-having-a-hard-time.html#latest
I try my best to support my daughter in all her endeavors. When she was in 6th grade and starting showing me different all-girls boarding schools (and they had to have an equestrian program because she likes to ride) I was very impressed and listened to what she had to say about how she evaluated the schools. It just did not register to me at the time that she would be “leaving” home at 14. She didn’t get a full scholarship (we still have to pay $20K+/yr) but it was similar to the amount of tuition to attend the one day school that she applied to. I love watching my daughter grow-up and at 14, she is still a child. My husband and I have given her everything she has wanted because she is such a good girl (not a spoiled brat in anyway). If she goes to boarding school, I will not be able to watch her grow throughout her high school years. I want to be at every event she is involved with to support her but that will not be possible if she is at boarding school. I also love the fact that she is under my roof at night and safe - gives me great peace of mind. Is it wrong to want to experience your child grow from age 14-18 before seeing them off to college? My daughter just graduated valedictorian of her 8th grade class yesterday from her private day school; however, she is a perfectionist and focused all her energy on her grades at school. Although she got a great education at her private day school (K-8), she missed out on being involved in activities outside of school during the week and most weekends because of the demands of school. The day school she attended ALWAYS assigned homework on weekends and usually research papers/projects during every holiday break. I feel to some extend she was not allowed to be a child. Now I’m afraid if she goes to a private all-girls boarding school (or even any private day school), the workload will be equivalent or more and she will not make the time to experience all of the opportunities to “enjoy” her high school years. Grades aren’t everything. High School is your last 4 years to try lots of different activities but if the pressure of homework is too great, my daughter will choose to focus only on her studies. I wanted to make sure my daughter had a strong educational foundation in her early years but now I’m a little sad that she did not have the time to be a child. Children grow up way too fast. I am very blessed to have such an intelligent and mature young daughter but I don’t her whole life to be centered around grades. I love my daughter very much and I chose to be a mother so I could raise my child. Allowing her to move away from home at 14 is 4 years too soon for me. I am sorry that I got caught-up in my daughter’s excitement and interest in boarding school. But when reality step-in and I realized she would be leaving home, I just could not deal with not being able to see her on a daily basis. We all make mistakes and I admit I made a mistake by not telling her “no” early on but that is because I didn’t realize how I would feel once it was final. We are now trying to work things out with the help of a counselor to compromise on a day school. I am still struggling - I want my daughter to be happy but I have to be a parent first.
My only child who is 14 years old has wanted to go to an all-girls boarding high school since the 6th grade. At the time, it seemed exciting but now that she has been accepted to one of the schools (Oldfield’s school in Glencoe, MD) and will be leaving in September, the brick wall has just hit me that she will be moving away and I am going to miss her terribly. I try to always support my daughter in what she wants to do but this time I wish I had been the parent and said no. It’s too late now. I wish I had these feelings back when she was applying to boarding schools. At the time I told her that she would have to get a good scholarship to attend. I guess I just figured it wouldn’t work out but one of the schools offered her a schlorship that was equivalent to what we would pay to send her to a private day school. Am I wrong for wanting to keep my daughter home for the next 4 years? College comes soon enough. Is telling her no know, too late?
I can certainly empathize with you, but (as a mother who will be an empty-nested three years earlier than expected) I take the point of view that parents should try to do what they believe is best for their children, not what is best for themselves, even when that means letting go. Most parents in this forum would probably say the same.
My kid has wanted to go away since he was FIVE. Now that it’s just a few months away, and we will be empty nesters four years sooner than most, he is getting nervous and I’m getting excited! Will I miss him? Absolutely. I say I’ll miss out on going to his various games, but I honestly despise going now, and I can watch them online, which is cool. On his “to do” list every day this summer are two things he needs to get used to dong everyday. Make your bed and text your mother. With technology the way it is these days, I will probably talk to him MORE when he’s gone. And I know that this is totally what’s best for him. He needs to be away from me running his life to be able to grow and mature. But I’ll still miss him. And he’ll be 600 miles away. sniff. sniff.
@gusmom2000 It’s three things: make bed, text Mom and do his own laundry. Get him in the habit this summer. Think how happy you will make his future spouse when he chips in as much as s/he does! It’s a great habit to build now.
He has been doing laundry since he was old enough to reach the machine. No worries on that one. 
I would take 600 miles away any day!
Just a hop, skip, and a jump. A hop all the way through Ohio, a skip through West Virginia, and a Jump all the way across Pennsylvania…
@gusmom2000–or a leap across a continent. . .
I’m with @twinsmama. Being "a parent “first” is about doing what’s best for your child even if those decisions cause you pain. I’ve posted loads about how sad that empty room at the end of the hall has made me and how much I think I’ve missed, but my child has missed nothing. He graduated from BS on Sunday and thanked us several times for the amazing opportunity we gave him. He knew it was hard on me and that made the gift of BS even more special to him.
We all need to let go at some point. I agree that 14 is early to leave home, but some kids want it and are ready for it. If they are, BS will transform them like nothing else can. The experience of living away from home and learning to navigate their world and advocate for themselves without needing to rely on mom or dad prepares them so extremely well for college and beyond. I can still enumerate what I’ve missed in allowing our son to leave, but that list pales next to the list of what he’s gained. Eventually, I learned to let that list go in the face of the independent, thoughtful, mature, happy young man and scholar he continued to present to me. I can tell you there was nothing like watching him accept his diploma to put closure on any misgivings.
As many of us repeat here, it’s not about us, it’s about them. If your daughter is expressing regrets, you should listen to her. But if counseling is necessary to reach a “compromise,” the counseling might be most effective if it helps you deal with the difficulty of letting her go than in helping her come to terms with your changed decision.
@egstarr I know it’s hard to have a sense of what your daughter’s experience might be at boarding school. You might be surprised by a few things. I think it’s much easier to be involved in all sorts of different activities at boarding school than at home. My daughter has spent her time in ways that she never would have dreamed of in BS, and it’s safe to say that this would not have happened if she had come home after school every day instead of spending 24/7 with fun and interesting peers and teachers. There’s never any need to consider logistics - it’s very easy to be involved in everything. Most BS kids have the problem of overextending themselves because there are too many things that seem fun! And my daughter is a kid who puts her studies first, like yours.
You’re not wrong for wanting to see your kid every day in HS, and be there for everything. It kills me that I don’t have that! But this isn’t about you - it’s about your daughter. I agree with others that if you were not going to let her go because you didn’t want her to be away from you, then you needed to have said that from the start and not let her get this far; saying “no” now is not fair to her and it is likely to result in irreparable damage to your relationship long term.
Parents who let their kids follow their own dreams are some of the best parents out there!
We need to be realistic about what is involved with sending a kid away to boarding school. First - The academic year is about 30 weeks. This leaves 22 weeks (14 weeks in the summer) of pure 100% devoted family time, without homework, extra-curricular activities, sports, sleep-overs at a friends houses, playing video games, or other generic “hanging out with friends” that most kids do if you choose to.
Consider the scenario of the stay-at-home student who spends a lot of time after school at an activity and then hours in their room getting homework done, and then texting/talking with friends in their spare time. They are not spending hours playing monopoly with the family, especially if they wanted to go to boarding school in the first place.
So, are we really “sending our kids away”? I would argue that there is an opportunity for more quality time with our kids during breaks and the summers compared to those families who choose to have kids stay at home only to never see them because they are wrapped up in non-family obligations and are looking forward to going away in the summer.
or a hop across the pond… My 14 year old is in Spain for the summer. Seems to be thriving! I am the one having a hard time, always checking the time difference to picture where she is at that moment. I followed her lead for BS, she was the one driving it. However, she will be a Day Student, so this time abroad has many advantages attached to it. She will be much better able to connect and empathize with the 75% boarders, have attained some fluency in Spanish, and will have matured enough to take on lots of challenges in the Fall. She was enthusiastic about going and jumped at the chance to make it a longer program. So, follow you child’s lead, not your own selfish motives. Good luck.
12yo dughter flew off for a 3 weeks long Summer art camp on Friday by herself. She called home once on Saturday morning to ask insurance questions at the nurse’s office. She sounded very happy, giggling over the phone while I was talking to the nurse, but hasn’t called home again. Both I and my wife forgot to ask her to call home everyday.
She went to Korea for two months last Summer, but she was with her aunt so we didn’t worry at all. This time we are a little anxious since she is really on her own, especially for today which is the first instruction day. But we will be extra patient and wait couple more days for her to call home. Or else I will be calling the camp to check if she is fine.
Not calling is a sign of happiness.
It is a scary step, that first move to boarding school. I cried while driving home - 13 hours. I had doubts.
But then, the pictures the advisor e-mailed of smiling darling daughter, the fun of parent’s visit weekend (just a few weeks in to the term), meeting the great teachers and hearing how much she liked it and with pride showing off her new room, friends, and homework.
They start in September, parents weekend in October, they come home in November, December, March and late May, so at most it is 2 months away at a time. A new rhythm starts, and you may find yourself much closer to your daughter since you are not the one to bug her about homework, get her up, set limits with friends. Instead you are the one mailing care baskets, listening supportively over the phone or Skype, and planning family holidays together.
Yes I missed her but we grew closer. You are not losing your child.
I second the thought that it can help kids to be closer to the family. We live fairly close to my sons BS and recently took one of my friends along on a visit as she wanted to see the campus. When we arrived my younger kids ran up and hugged their brother and he hugged them back closely. My friend was a bit taken back by that and said that her kids barely speak to each other. This summer all three boys are sleeping in the same room and doing lots of fun bonding things.
I have a hard time feeling as though we are losing our son. He feels to be closer to us emotionally if not physically. We feel so blessed to be a family of what someone here called “local boarders”. He gets the boarding school experience, but we can be there rather quickly if he needs us. This was a definite plus when we got a call in the winter that he was being taken to a local ER after a nasty fall on his face!
My DD will be a day student come fall. However, she is away for the entire summer, and overseas, for the first time. One month is done, but another three weeks, two days, to go until she returns to the USA. We insisted on extensive contact the first two weeks, but, upon seeing that all was well, we eased up. A short (really short) text daily is what we are getting at this point. Have Skyped three times in five weeks. Basically, I agree with the “no news is good news” theory. It is clearly harder on the parents than the kids! Good luck.