My only child who is 14 years old has wanted to go to an all-girls boarding high school since the 6th grade. At the time, it seemed exciting but now that she has been accepted to one of the schools (Oldfield’s school in Glencoe, MD) and will be leaving in September, the brick wall has just hit me that she will be moving away and I am going to miss her terribly. I try to always support my daughter in what she wants to do but this time I wish I had been the parent and said no. It’s too late now. I wish I had these feelings back when she was applying to boarding schools. At the time I told her that she would have to get a good scholarship to attend. I guess I just figured it wouldn’t work out but one of the schools offered her a schlorship that was equivalent to what we would pay to send her to a private day school. Am I wrong for wanting to keep my daughter home for the next 4 years? College comes soon enough. Is telling her no know, too late?
You might get more responses if you posted this in the Prep School Parents forum:
It would be pretty unfair to tell her now, after she has worked hard to get admitted and secure a good scholarship, that she doesn’t get to go after all. 
I hope the prep school parents have good advice for you.
I can certainly understand your feelings, but it would seem unfair to refuse now.
I can offer sympathy! My D is leaving this fall for college and it’s been hard on me…I would have had a much harder time when she was 14! Not sure what you can tell her at this point, though. Is her heart completely set on it or do you sense wavering?
Hate to be harsh but you are correct and you could have told her “no” right off the bat, it’s OK to tell kids “no” they don’t become damaged goods and they often come away stronger, but I think it’s unfair to string her along and now try and pull the rug out. I agree with Southern Hope you could always ask her if she still wants to go.
Did she apply to local day schools this year, too? Would she have a spot in the fall if she changed her plans at this point?
I think it would be very unfair at this point to keep her home just because you would miss her. If you didn’t feel she was ready, could handle it, would be unhappy, then yes, I’d recommend encouraging her to stay home. But your missing her isn’t enough reason to not let her go now that she has been working toward it and counting on it. I mean, you are the parent, and it would be within your rights, but I don’t think it would be fair to her.
But I do sympathize. You’re certainly not wrong for not wanting her to go.
How is your daughter feeling about it? Can you have a talk with her and give her a chance to express her own misgivings or excitement. I think this is a time when, because of what has gone on during the year, her feelings need to be honored. But perhaps in the course of a discussion (without burdening her with the grief we all feel at this time) you could ferret out any willingness to stay, if there is a good option. It really depends on the school options at home, your family relationships and so on and you would have to be subtle in this conversation!
You have this backwards. If you want to act like an immature child whose wishes and desires trump everything else, then you say NO. Like @moonchild mentioned above, you say nothing about your daughter’s lack of maturity or other salient issues that should cause grave concern (addiction, health, mental health, academic, social).
Your desire to say NO is based on your not wanting to hurt. That’s selfish. Being the “parent” would be to let her grow and absorb the world as she is ready for it. Not every kid is. But it seems you have one of those. Let her do it.
My friend’s daughter wanted to go on an exchange pgm to Eastern Europe when she was nine. My friend had done something similar at 13 – she was anxious about her nine year old but let her go. Spent 4 weeks in Hungary. It was a wonderful experience. Now the girl’s a teen and has fantastic wanderlust and loves languages and cultures – my friend envisions her going into the diplomatic corps! Some kids are just wired differently.
Maybe your daughter has doubts too but doesn’t want to disappoint you. Talk it over with her.
As others have said, talk to your daughter. This is a terrific growth opportunity for her and you should feel fortunate to have such an adventurous and independent child. If it’s really what she wants, personally I’d support and encourage her ambitions and congratulate ate myself on a job well done as a parent.
If she does go though, be sure to carefully monitor her progress in case it doesn’t work out. It can be hard to tell the difference between homesickness, adjustment issues, and true onset of depression. You may want to explore the school’s resources in that area so you’re prepared for any eventuality.
Out of curiousity, what do you all consider signs of a child NOT wanting to go, but yet not expressing this due to wanting to please parents?
well, I wouldn’t have let her apply, but that’s just me. both of my kids had an opp to go to boarding school for FREE, but I don’t support that sort of thing, so that was not pursued. Instead they attended a private school near our home.
Now that she’s applied, got the award, and it’s “been her dream,” then let her go. She may surprise you by HATING it and wanting to come home. She’s had this dream since the 6th grade…likely she hasn’t even processed the entire impact.
As for you…you’ll miss her, but you’ll find other things to keep you busy.
A child who does not really want to go will not drive the process. They will not do the research to come up with a list of schools, will not be all that enthusiastic at campus visits and generally will look to the parent to make boarding school a possibility. I think most parents know when their child is enthusiastic about something.
Both my children spent their K- 8th grade years at a school where close to 25% of the class went to boarding school at the end of 8th grade. And more than that applied. With my first child it was evident that is what she wanted to do and she embraced the whole process. She put a tremendous amount of effort into it and in the end was able to choose from among the best 5 schools in the country.
Second child expressed little to no interest. When the time came to begin the process we just asked him if this was a road he was interested in exploring. He hemmed and hawed and we knew then to drop it. He did express interest in “applying out” though as he had been at the same school for almost 10 years. In the end he chose a day school that has worked out beautifully for him.
D graduated from boarding school this year and S is a rising junior. I would say that by following their “lead” we have made the best decisions for both of them.
There are legitimate reasons for a child to stay home, including parental support through tough teen years and parental insight that helps with academics, pursuit of interests and so on. The dream of a very young 6th grader for boarding school may or may not be valid in the long term. I think the important thing, as others have said, is that your misgivings be about your child, not you (and I understand your feelings, believe me). Give her a chance to back out, delicately, offer that that is still an option but in a neutral way, and then find someone to talk to while you encourage this adventure, which is not irrevocable.
@HarvestMoon1 -thanks for your insight. However this is a tricky one for our family, as this child NEVER drives the process! Which is perhaps why we thought of BS for DC in the first place! DC is our “head in the sky” scientific type who will be one of those in your work building that forgets to press the floor they are going to when they get in the elevator! Plus, no one here does boarding school… So, while I think your reasoning is sound, it may not apply to us. Other signs, maybe since DC was accepted?
I think it would be the same thing after she was accepted - basically what is her level of enthusiasm? Has she joined the Facebook group of accepted students? Is she jabbering on about how she is going to decorate her dorm room? Is she curious about who her roommate might turn out to be? For my D it was just a constant topic of conversation in the months leading up to September. If she is not talking about it at all then perhaps you need to re-visit the subject of her commitment to attending.
Interesting…thanks for your insight!
Examine your reasons for sending her and her reasons for wanting to go to a boarding school. It’s an interesting dilemma in this day and age where there are more day options. In my “day” quite a few of my friends went away for high school but it seemed to center on several reasons: either the parents were busy and traveling alot so it was more stable not to keep the kids at home or they had gone and wanted their kids to go to the same place and one friend whose mother had died in an accident and one whose interests were so singular (music) that it just made sense to let them pursue outside what was available within driving distance. So I’d recommend going back in time to when this came up with your D and for both to re-examine the reasons why and see if you came up with the same conclusion to go/send away.