<p>This happened to me in senior year, 40 years ago. There were extenuating circumstances (one of my parents died the year before), but I think the issue of self-esteem being too tied to academics was true for me, too. </p>
<p>I have always thought that that crisis saved my life to tell you the truth.</p>
<p>Some people get over the crisis and go back to the path they were on. Some find a crisis like this life-changing, permanently. I was in the latter group. </p>
<p>Different posters have alluded to these two possibilities (getting back on track, or finding a new one) and it is impossible for any of us to say which applies most, or will apply most, to you child. But either way, this will ultimately strengthen him in mysterious ways.</p>
<p>Give him support and clarity will emerge over time.</p>
<p>Oh-and the suggestion to have him checked out medically is a good one, just in case.</p>
<p>Just want to add that if you go to the Harvard University Health Services site, there are excerpts of a book entitled “College of the Overwhelmed.” The site says that 50% of college students experience depression severe enough that they cannot function academically. There is, apparently, an explosion of mental health problems on college campuses, in the last 20 years. My gut tells me that this is happening more at Harvard or MIT than at state colleges.</p>
<p>There is something terribly wrong with the way our children our growing up, with the educational system, and with the lack of any authentic aspirations before them. Once on campus at an Ivy League college, the kids just keep upthe pressure on themselves, often with the adrenalin-driven goal of admissions to business, law or medical school.</p>
<p>I think there is a spiritual sickness to being entirely driven by external motivators. Once your son gets up from the couch and leaves the video games behind, it is possible that he will have found some internal motivators that are more “real.” </p>
<p>Maybe he is really a hero, for not being able to keep it up!</p>
I have a kid like this – 42 point spread between verbal and performance. He spends so much mental energy doing things that most of us take for granted and it utterly exhausts him. Our pediatrician gets it. I get it. The school does not.</p>
<p>My sister went through this with her son. January of his junior year - he became very depressed. Looking back it started earlier but was chalked up to stress. Some of the things they learned :</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Eventhough he was such a great student and person (friends, activities, funny) he felt like his life was not going to work out. Felt huge pressure that he was going to disapoint everyone. </p></li>
<li><p>He felt that his self worth in his eyes and everyone elses was tied to his intellect and acheivements- and he couldn’t let people know the “real” him or they would be disapointed.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>My advice is forget about his acheivements, grades (at least in what you say to him). He needs to know that the most important thing to you is his health and happiness. Not the AP exams, what college he goes to etc. Important to spearate whose dream is it - </p>
<p>My nephew took Celexa and that help alot. He also got a part time job and that made a big difference for some reason on how he felt about himself. I think it gave him a sense of control. His school worked with him and cut him some breaks (private school with a tuition of $20K - they are very understanding and depression is a medical issue).</p>
<p>5 AP sounds way too many. I know how hard my D has worked to maintain her GPA = 4.0uw, I believe the most she had only 2 AP’s concurrently. Her HS did not allow to have more than 3.</p>
<p>Each child & school is different. The HS my kids attend also warn not to have kids take too many APs (advise one or sometimes two). The counselor said it didn’t apply to “some kids,” and allowed my S to sign up for as many as he wanted to (five + marching band), despite his chronic health issues. For him, that was great but for many others it would be too much pressure.</p>
<p>We need to pay attention to our kids and have them pay attention to themselves. We all want our kids to learn to “self regulate” and know what is just right, too much or too little for them. We also need them and ourselves to get our self-worth externally and not by how others evaluate us, which can be unrelated to our actual performance. These are life skills that keep us sane and strong in tough times, like now with the current financial woes.</p>
<p>debMaine~ it is painful to watch a child struggle and feel powerless to change the trajectory. My own D had a “mini-breakdown” her Junior year of HS and struggled throughout the year with her sense of herself. Not as extensive as your son’s, but she completely, literally broke down after an AP Chemistry test. Couldn’t stop crying, hid in the bathroom, another student talked with her and was wise enough to alert the guidance office. To top it off I was out off town for three days and didn’t hear about what was happening until I returned home; felt incredibly guilty and wondered if we had fostered an unhealthy sensibility about achievement. I would say, however, that D seemed- literally- poised, coming out of the womb, to “go, go, go!” </p>
<p>Her Junior year was a real turning point for her. She realized that her “persona” was too caught up with grades (she was going to “lose” her 4.0). It took her some time, but with the help of a much-loved and admired teacher, was able to let go of her need to excel at everything. She is finishing her Senior year and seems more balanced to us now. And she is still a powerhouse when it matters to her, but is able to discern when something is important and when it isn’t. </p>
<p>Has now been accepted into some top-notch LAC’s and chose the one that “fit” best- and I am happy to say that it isn’t the school with the most prestigious name. She came to realize that being content and at peace with herself was more important. H and I are both glad it happened while she was still at home with us rather than off at college. She had the supportive, nurturing environment that she needed to deal with her anxieties/concerns. Your S, too, is fortunate to have the ability to fall apart amidst support. </p>
<p>I have a wonderful book-short and very beautiful to recommend: “The Parent’s Tao Te Ching” by William Martin. You yourself will need support in order that you may be present to your S without going “under” in the midst of his emotional turmoil.</p>
<p>Countdown,
My S is like yours. He also has a very high verbal I.Q. score but a 40 point lower performance score. He is only a junior and struggles in school with no accomodations. I am just wondering how your son is doing in college? Does he receive accomodations there, or is college more suited to this type of student?</p>
<p>Well, in regard to child being different, my D who never had more than 2 AP’s at the same time, continue having straight “A” in college for 2 years, having very challenging pre-med classes, 2 minors, and tons of EC’s, all of which are a proof that she is capable. She also mentioned that some classes (like chemistry, which she has not taken AP) are much easier for her than for most others. I strongly believe that if a kid’s goal is to maintain perfect GPA, than 5 AP’s are way too many for ANY child and could result in negative cosequences. I am glad that our HS did not allow them to take more than 3 AP’s.</p>
<p>compmom, statistics to support your claim of more issues at Harvard and MIT than at State schools?</p>
<p>Our own State school (not a Berkeley, Michigan, UVA caliber) can barely keep up with the explosion of needs in the mental health arena. Local experts attribute it to three things: Parents more willing to send a kid to college who has a history of psychiatric issues (in the past those kids were kept at home to commute or never made it to college); earlier and better diagnosis; less of a stigma attached to getting help. (In the '70’s it could take a month to get an appointment with the lone shrink on staff at most college clinics and their role was mostly providing mental health waivers so kids who were graduating could avoid the draft.)</p>
<p>I had a clinically depressed roommate Freshman year; one episode, parents scooped her up and took her home and that was the end of that. No support needed on campus- she moved home. This was not uncommon.</p>
<p>So I respectfully ask for support for your claim. I do not believe that any study has shown a link between the tier or type of college and the incidence of mental health issues. Kids at Community College commit suicide; kids at No-Name U are diagnosed as bi-polar; kids at State colleges suffer mood disorders and depression or self-medicate. The college years are the prime years for the appearance of many mental health illnesses (schizophrenia typically manifests at about 19 or 20) and so it is not unexpected that ALL colleges see kids who present with these symptoms. </p>
<p>So some stats would be great if you’re going to claim that the academic pressure of Harvard has created a student body with a higher incidence than the general college attending public. Happy to agree with you if in fact you have any data.</p>
<p>I’m a big believer in unequivocal, sloppy, over-the-top love, even when it annoys them and they slap us away. That’s our fundamental job at these moments - complete and utter love and support. Don’t forget the power of the physical (i.e., hugs, back rubs, and the occasional smooch on the cheek). The fact that you posted here and are seeking help widely is good evidence that you are being the parent he needs right now.</p>
<p>One other observation: High schools can be very rough environments among the top students. Aside from his terrible work load, he may have been feeling guilt about being the best among friends and fellow students who are also doing their utmost to succeed. Every kid wants to be liked by his peers. Sometimes the leader of the pack is suddenly the object of resentment and that can be the tipping factor that pushes him into emotional crisis.</p>
<p>This could be distressing him without him even quite realizing it.</p>
<p>An earlier post mentioned o-t-c drugs. I have witnessed medicine taken for seasonal allergies cause a similar mental reaction in a high-performing teenager. Im sure your doctors have assessed this. A pharmacist informed that these side affects have recently been added to some allergy alert sheets that did not contain them previously. </p>
<p>An update on my son:
He’s now been on Zoloft for about 6 weeks, and has been under the care of a psychiatrist (once/month visits) and a therapist (2x/wk). The diagnosis seems to be Anxiety Disorder.
He’s been to school most days (although this past week has been spring break), but still has not done any schoolwork. The thought of picking up a book and doing homework continues to put him in a tailspin. I’m beginning to have my doubts about the therapist’s methods here, but everyone tells me to be patient.
His overall mood, I think, is better. He’s spent less time curled up on the couch and with his video games. He’s been out with friends a lot. We’ve basically let him “relax” for the past 6 weeks, just encouraging him to go to school as much as he can tolerate.
His teachers and the school have been tremendously understanding. He’s going to take an incomplete in AP US History (and not take the AP exam). He plans to take the AP exam in Calc BC (his choice entirely - we’ve encouraged him not to!). A friend is coming over tomorrow to help him get caught up. He also expects to take the AP Bio exam, and maybe the AP English exam, but I think this is a crazy idea. We’ll see what happens as the time gets closer. We feel his expectations at this point don’t really match his apparent ability to do the work.<br>
Right now, it looks like he will finish his Junior year with several incompletes. We are desperately hoping that he can get a handle on his anxieties and, over the next several months, get back on track academically.<br>
This has been a huge wake-up call for us as a family. I’ve spent a lot of time grieving the loss of my motivated, self-directed, high-achieving boy, but I hope that a more insightful young adult with better coping skills will eventually emerge. It’s been so hard to accept this whole thing - some days I feel like I’m the one who needs medication.
To those of you reading this who responded to my initial posts, I can’t thank you enough. You all helped pull me out of a dark hole that day, and I continue to re-read your posts and PMs when I’m really down.</p>
<p>Deb- sounds like a plan. I’d encourage you not to focus on the loss of your motivated, self directed, high achieving boy. He’s not lost; he’s just lost his way. You will all come out of this with a stronger appreciation for each other despite the fact that right now you’re just sort of hanging in there trying to see clear to daylight. Try to focus on how much strength he is showing now by working to get well (therapy is hard work!), complying with his meds (many people do not), and owning up to what he can and can’t handle (it can be hard for a kid like your son to even contemplate an incomplete- it’s great that he’s on board.)</p>
<p>See? Your motivated, self directed, high achieving boy is still there with you. But right now he’s putting his energies and attention and passions against getting and staying healthy, and so some of the other things in his life have to take a back seat. He is showing remarkable resilience in stepping up to the plate to work on his recovery, and you should be very proud of him. I am proud of you. It is easy to parent the kid winning the awards (as you know only too well) and so much harder to be there for the kid who is struggling and stumbling. His struggles will make all of you so much stronger.</p>
<p>I can only imagine how baffling this season has been for you as a mother. You need time to make sense of things and he needs time to integrate with the emotional state he has been in. I recall knowing that my youngster would have periods of disequilibrium followed by chapter of integration and a plateau…and I hope that this is what you are dealing with but with disequilibrium in a more intense way.
It sounds like you have been successful at conveying to your son that your timetable for him to find his vocation and pathway is open and flexible, and that he is able to stay connected to his classmates socially. These are two great things indeed. The frontal lobe is still working hard and changing for years to come (you now know all my knowledge on neurology but still…), and I often wonder how we managed to bypass so much of the former maturation of the boy in our society in this digital age–boys were socialized up till 70 years ago entirely entirely totally differently, and they went to work physically in most cases with the other men in sharp contrast to this pathway to college in the New Age. We not only ask our kids not to marry and have children till very late (in my peers…we waited so long we all had fertility issues)…we also seem to expect boys to be all alike and to be able to sit in a chair and regurgitate facts by the hour at this age. I know I think both my sons have had privilege and certainly gained much more academic skill earlier than we did… but they seldom had real leisure. They missed out on some of the social development that came with the vastly simpler expectations of our youth re school work and achievement and the relative ease of getting into college and locating a paycheck of some kind. That said, I hope your feel some confidence in the psychiatrist, given enough time for him to see your son fully.<br>
It is so good of you to fill us in. I was just wondering about your son today, and hoping he was stable still and holding his own. The most important thing is to pull together as a family and to keep focused on what matters most and the wider view of life always leading you. Not taking AP exams is not related to his intelligence whatsoever, and I admire you for the way you have set aside the “script” (We know it is hard!) and opened yourself up to being his Mom while he is walking this byway.</p>
<p>Glad to hear your son is doing better. Sounds like he is having more good days than he was at first, so that means he is improving. Give the therapist and your son time. Although these last six weeks must seem like an eternity to you, it is a very short timetable when dealing with problems like anxiety, depression, etc. Hang in there. The fact that he is hanging out with friends and making plans for his AP tests (however unrealistic they may or may not be) is very positive. You will find that your expectations change to fit your son’s current capabilities and that makes it easier to accept the situation. You sound like a loving and accepting parent who is doing everything possible to help her child. Thanks for the update and good luck with the AP’s and making up the incompletes. Try not to worry about too much about the future.</p>