<p>I come to America recently so forgive my grammer and spelling. I'm very concerned for my son. He is in 10th grade at a magnet school. Recently he has been refusing to go to school. He just doesn't do anything. Before he used to do everything from paying bills, picking his brother up and was just perfect in his schoolwork. He never receive a B in his life (until he went to the magnet school). Back in India he won many awards from everything to Quiz contests to Math competitions. He really is a star student.</p>
<p>I think the problem started last year. He started getting Bs especially in Biology and Math. He said he not wanted to go to Med School. We talked to him but decided to leave the matter and told him he can do anything he wants. This year he did really well for the first quarter (I think that's what they call it) but after the second quarter he started to not go to school and he got a C in French. We were okay with it but he was really mad. After this we decided to seek Medical help and the therapist assured he was fine. He never allowed us to sit in the sessions. Always asking us to leave. It worked fine he did very well third quarter too. I check his grades and saw that he got 100% in every test he took for french. But he did not do his homework and did not take 5 tests bringing his grade to a C.</p>
<p>He started not going to school again. In 2 weeks, he's been at school exactly 1 day and says I have a test today so I won't go. He hasn't gone to the doctor in 2 months. He just sits in the house in front of the computer all day doing nothing. He gets mad very easily and doesn't do anything. His young brother tells me he visits this website all the time. Last year he was really concerned he won't go to a good college. It's true we don't have a lot of money. So being concerned he's just not caring anymore. Sometimes blaming me and my husband for not going to college or planning his academics. He talks about how most of the class mates have Harvard educated parents. I think he's really embarrased.</p>
<p>Even today he not go to school. I don't know what to do. He will be very mad if I talk to his councelor. I can't speak good English so that is a big negative too. I asked him what was wrong yesterday and he just went to his room and slammed the door. He is a good student. His friends always tells us how he should go into politics and how he is a really good debater but he quit debate recently too. His Biology teacher from last year told me he is very bright but doesn't really study. She told him to go into Research but he won't care. He got an offer from NIH for a very confidential research but they refused after they learned we weren't citizens or even have green card. He spends a lot of time in Student Government, we did not like it at first but we agreed to it because he really likes it. Even after we give him freedom in everything he does he still is depressed.</p>
<p>I am not joking when I say he sits in front of the computer and remains moody. I am sure his grades are really dropped now. He barely talks to anyone. What I can do when he won't tell me whats wrong.</p>
<p>One more thing he wanted to quit the IB program but after some discussions he said he would stay. We did not object to him quitting IB either.</p>
<p>Sorry for the long post I just don't know what I can do to help him when he won't even tell me.</p>
<p>A lot of things might be going on here, you need to investigate possible causes. There might be some bullies at the school, and your son may be trying to avoid them. Or perhaps he feels that a teacher dislikes him, and it has affected his motivation. He might feel "burned out" from too much pressure to succeed, medical school is a long way off for a 15 year old, and he might be seeing it as too large a goal for right now, when he hasn't even entered college yet. He might be suffering from depression and/or sleep deprivation from too much studying. You might consider transferring him to a different school, he might be finding the magnet school to have an overly competitive, or unfriendly atmosphere.</p>
<p>Give him a hug, and ask him to go with you for a walk. Boys often talk more if they aren't directly face to face. Above all, give him as much positive reinforcement as you can. Praise works better than punishment.</p>
<p>The school's magnet kids are very different from other kids. They don't take classes with other non-magnet people. We decided to leave the future matter upto him after last year. I think he was being bullied too but he doesn't study at all anymore. I haven't seen him studying this year at all or even doing his homework.</p>
<p>I don't blame you for being concerned. Something is going on. I find with my boys, if we go for a long drive at night alone, they will often open up because we are both driving alone facing forward (they don't have to look at me) and you can't even see each other blush in the dark.</p>
<p>One thing really stood out to me: "Even after we give him freedom in everything he does he still is depressed."</p>
<p>I think sometimes too much freedom (like too much control) backfires. Sometimes freedom is very frightening. Have you ever thought how scary it must be to be 16 and in total charge of your life? Sometimes too much freedom can make a young person think "they don't care about me," when the opposite is true. His actions are begging you to stop him.</p>
<p>I so appreciate you making sure he understands that he can be anything he wants to be. I think that is a good move. But you also need to make sure: (1) That he knows you love him and like him no matter what and (2) That you will not tolerate distructive behavior like not going to school and not doing expected work.</p>
<p>It may be that something very bad is going on at school. If so, you need to know. You need to talk to him and his teachers and his principal and his friends. I would tell him that he <em>will</em> go to school (or all freedom, books, internet, money, etc - everything but food and shelter and family - will go away until he does). Tell him that if he doesn't think he can go back to that school you need to know why and you will put him in another school.</p>
<p>It may be that he is depressed or feels he can't meet his own expectations. Frankly, I think this site is a terrible place to be for a young person who is depressed. There are just too many people who think their life if over if they don't get into an Ivy here. The reality is that millions of people have happy and productive lives and make their parents proud without even seeing an Ivy. He may need to get a different perspective. This can be really hard in certain immigrant cultures, but it sounds like you are on the right track, that you are making it plain that you love him more than his achievements (most parents do, it is just that some do a better job showing it :-).</p>
<p>I hope that you will be able to get him to open up and let you help him. {{{hugs}}}</p>
<p>You and your son need to have a meeting with the school counselor. You should probably contact the counselor intitially and explain your concerns before meeting together with your son. Do what the others suggested and try to get your son to open up. This is sometimes best done in a different setting (not while he's sitting in front of the computer).</p>
<p>He should be given no option regarding attending school. You and your husband need to make sure he goes. If he flat refuses insist that he tell you why he won't go. If the problems are related to this magnet school, maybe he should go to a more normal school. No matter how smart he is he'll fail if he doesn't attend and this will cause even more emotional issues.</p>
<p>If it were my house, he'd no longer have access to the computer if he's not doing his schoolwork or attending classes. He'd have no access to TV or video games either. </p>
<p>If you don't get anywhere right away with the school counselors, then you should go with him to a therapist. There is definitely something wrong and you need to get to the bottom of it. By 'wrong' I mean he's bothered by something and he needs to open up about it - not that he has any mental issues. This is a fragile age for kids so watch his behavior closely.</p>
<p>Finally, please don't even talk about med school unless he's personally interested in it. In this country med school isn't the only path to success and lots of damage is being done by parents putting undue pressure on their kids to attend med school when the kids are not interested in it. I'm glad you told him you support whatever he wants to do. That's what he needs to hear and what's the right thing anyway.</p>
<p>Thank you for your replies huguenot, hunt and ucsd<em>ucla</em>dad.</p>
<p>We suggested he go to the normal school when he wanted to quit magnet school too but his teachers taught his grades are fine (I don't understand gpas but it was like 3.4) so they did not suggest he quit. I will ask him one more time about it.</p>
<p>Just another thought - You mention that he is in front of the computer a lot. Perhaps he is addicted to some online game or in trouble with some online contact? Can you ask a friend or someone well-versed with computers to snoop around the computer and see if they can find something?</p>
<p>I'm so sorry to hear about this problem. You sound like a very compassionate parent, and it is so good that you are asking for help, and that you've had your son see a doctor already. Don't give up, and don't let your unfamiliarity with American culture make you second-guess yourself. You may have pressured him too much in the past with the medical school talk, but you don't want to go so far in the other direction that you abandon all structure in his life. The ideal would be to offer supportive guidance to your son as you and he try to identify what is bothering him. I hope you can find a school counselor who can help open up this discussion.</p>
<p>I would not snoop on his computer! It would be better to ask him directly what he does on there, and why he spends so much time on the computer. It would be reasonable to have this discussion and tell him you will limit the time he has access to the internet, until he begins to focus more on going to school. Many parents enforce such limits on internet access, for various reasons.</p>
<p>Your son sounds smart and rational, so be sure to tell him that school attendance is mandatory, and that parents can actually be accused of breaking the law if they don't require their child to attend school. I don't know what state you live in, but this is the law in almost every state, up until the child is 16, 17 or 18, depending on the state. This is not something he gets to choose, and it might help in your discussions with him if he knows it - he can't blame you for making him do what is required of him.</p>
<p>No one has mentioned drugs as a possibility, but you might need to look into that as well. My nephew's family was quite shocked (although none of the rest of us were) to learn that his anti-social behavior at home and failing grades had a lot to do with drugs, drinking, and online poker.</p>
<p>You also mention that he has not been to his therapist in two months. Get him there. He is a minor, and you should find a way to force him to see a specialist, either the one he has previously seen or a new one. He might be severely depressed, and you'll need a professional if that's the case. </p>
<p>Take the computer out of his room. Tell him that he can earn it back when he learns to be honest with you and when he fulfills his school and home obligations. Computers, even on constructive sites such as CC, can be addictive.</p>
<p>I want to pick up on something that may be troubling him, and making him feel depressed, rationally:</p>
<p>You indicate that you don't have green cards, and that he went to school in India, which indicates that he may not be a legal immigrant. That would render him ineligible for most if not all federal or state financial aid for college. He may have concluded -- and he may not be wrong -- that it may be very difficult for him to go to anything beyond a community college. It seems like he already lost one great opportunity because of this, and he may anticipate that lots more opportunities will be beyond his grasp in the next few years.</p>
<p>That would depress me, too, if I were 16. It would depress me now.</p>
<p>Of course, it sounds like there is lots going on, and I agree that therapy is a good idea.</p>
<p>concerned mother--you do sound like an involved and compassionate mom--and you express yourself very well--</p>
<p>your son does sound like he may be depressed--teenage boys express depression more with irritability and refusal to go to school than with sadness/crying and it is important this be assessed. if he doesn't open up with you after trying others' good suggestions, you really will need to have him seen by his doctor (pediatrician or internist) as they can help him see (if the therapist cant) that there is help and he will feel better for seeking it.</p>
<p>JHS, he has mentioned the fact that he will trouble getting into US colleges to me. We are legal in the sense that we have Visa that lasts farther than his expected graduation date. </p>
<p>Momwaitingfornew, do you really think drugs are a possibility? I mean he's always in good company and understands the consequences of it. How would I find that out? Until now he's never given me reason to suspect him about anything. Won't he be offended if I asked him if he was using drugs?</p>
<p>rainmama, we live in Maryland. I don't know what the age is here.</p>
<p>If you don't have confidence that your English is good enough, you can request that the school district provide a professional translator for your meetings with the counselors. Was your son enrolled in ESOL when he arrived at his first school in Maryland? Those teachers are other resources for you because they have a lot of experience with the way different teenagers deal with adjusting to US culture.</p>
<p>And what is with his school anyway? If my daughter misses even one class, I get a phone call! They should be practically beating down your door by this point since he has missed so many days. Is someone in your family covering for him and saying that he is sick whenever he doesn't go to school?</p>
<p>I agree that you need to have a meeting with the counselor at your son's school so that you can sort all of this out.</p>
<p>I'm not saying that he <em>is</em> using drugs, only that you must explore that possibility. You have two ways to prove it: one, search his room when he's not home, and look in unlikely places, or two, give him a home drug test. I'd use this last option ONLY as a last resort.</p>
<p>Does he say that he's going to school, and then you find out later that he did not? That's a sign that he's cutting school to do something else. If he is acting strangely AND spending a lot of time with friends, he may be drinking/doing drugs.</p>
<p>Some signs are drug or alcohol abuse are 1. severely slipping grades 2. anti-social behavior at home 3. extreme mood swings 4. sudden need for privacy. Unfortunately, these are also the signs of depression.</p>
<p>You really need professional help on this one. Few of us at CC are qualified to offer advice for a situation of this magnitude, and those who are qualified cannot do it on the faceless medium of the internet.</p>
<p>My kid is also attending a competitive-admission magnet program. It's a very academically intense program and most of the kids had never seen a "B" before they entered the program-they were all "star students" with lots of awards: That's why they were admitted. Then they get their first "B"s and "C"s. A few find this so devastating to their self-esteem that they stop trying. This sounds like what may be going on with your son. (You see the same phenomena at the top colleges at the end of first marking period of freshman year, except it's the kids who went to less academically competitive high schools and are used to being #1.) If he is also coping socially with being an immigrant, and with the slower maturational process that afflicts many 10th grade boys (with the resulting impact on cognitive functioning)-well, anyone might be depressed.</p>
<p>The kids who cope best at this kind of intense program are the ones who decide that excelling at one or two subjects suffices. They develop other passions that are rewarding in a non-academic context-music, debating, student govt., whatever... They find friends who value them for who they are. Most important of all, they don't feel that they have let their parents down.</p>
<p>My suggestions:</p>
<p>1) He needs to be assured that there are many excellent schools out there besides the big brand name schools. And his parents need to support that.</p>
<p>2) He needs to accept that there is no shame in being in the middle of the pack of a group of super smart kids. And his parents need to support that.</p>
<p>3) You and he should talk to the magnet program's guidance counselor. He is not the first kid to 'hit the wall' and the counselor can provide perspective and useful coping strategies for everyone in the family.</p>
<p>4) If he were my kid, he would be required to attend school and I would remove the computer except for homework under my supervision until he demonstrates that he has resumed his commitment to learning.</p>
<p>5) If this program is too intense, he needs to move to another high school. If his local public high school is reasonably good, he will find plenty of challenges there, and a fresh start. </p>
<p>Good luck to you. I know this must be terribly painful and frightening for both of you. Keep in mind that one of the best things about the American educational system is the number of excellent schools for kids who had a difficult time in high school, and the number of 'second chances' that kids get, if they don't do well academically.</p>
<p>concerned mother--we all offer our support and great ideas--I would simply be sure to not leave out the emotional component here--(we can sometimes focus too much on academics and school) if he has gone to school 1 day in last 2 weeks it may be triggered by school stress but his reaction indicates he needs more help---personally I would be supportive while enforcing he go to school and not punitive--if he is depressed he may not feel he can mobilize himself to take action, even go to school and understanding that and seeking help for it is key as teens have very hard time accepting any emotional needs--I would stay away from punishment as it could add to his sense of despair or failure at a vulnerable time.</p>
<p>It's just a small piece of the puzzle, but whenever my kids began to withdraw from family into their computers, we said we missed them and invited them to do their homework at the dining room or kitchen table, instead. It wasn't a threat or punishment. To our surprise, they wanted to do this and were kind of lonely in their own rooms. We never use our dining table to eat, and I didn't mind the sight of their computers or school papers in our dining room. In this most recent house, there's only a living room and similarly, we just moved our S's desk right into the living room for a few weeks, to change the mood and atmosphere for him when he studied. </p>
<p>Similarly, we urged them to study from their textbooks at the dining room table instead of in their bedrooms. </p>
<p>I didn't bother them, but walked by and smiled, or walked by and kissed him on his curly hair as he worked, brought a snack, and so on. Smiling at them is very, very important. No comments, criticisms or worries. Just positive reinforcement as they study.</p>
<p>They told me that it was better for them. Maybe these bedrooms are too private, or they multi-task doing many things at once on the computer.
Certainly being in more public family space would inhibit them from visiting self-destructive websites, or falling asleep over their books. </p>
<p>If you do this, you absolutely can't bother them or make judgments about what they are doing on the computer. I believe, however, they will use the computer more productively just knowing that others are passing behind them as they work.</p>
<p>If there's a TV in the bedroom, I'd recommend simply removing it until his school performance or mood improves. He might be watching movies until very late into the night, and then is too tired to do well or stay awake in school.</p>