My Child hates college and wants to come home! It has been 5 days

Parents Forum
81

<p>Lasma:</p>

<p>Correct. Nor should we be expected to know. But since his mother posted here (OP) it put the issue in the open for debate. If one doesnt want commentary, then one shouldnt post that information. Can’t complain after the horse left the barn, so to speak.</p>

<p>I think we all had very good responses and were largely very helpful to the OP and any lurking readers. </p>

<p>My point is that Georgetown is a tough school, full of very ambitious kids with uber stats (many of them children of Pentagon, and other government officials, and diplomats kids, and very wealthy alumni etc.) Its not full of kids from Nebraska, not that such kids couldnt do well and like Georgetown, just a figure of speech. Rhetorical.</p>

<p>I was reinforcing the need to match a student’s scores, needs, and personality with a school. Not just for this kid but for all the kids applying to every school. Some kid from the Bronx might hate a sleepy bucolic rural liberal arts school. </p>

<p>We all know (and read) the myriad of people on CC who are obsessed with prestige. I have witnessed this with friends and anecdotes from my kids and other parents for years. Some are up to the challenge if they get in and some are miserable and come home/transfer. And sometimes it has nothing to do with intellectual abilities. Or the college programs. Its the vibe, the type of classmates/roommates they have. The location. </p>

<p>I love college sports. Watch them on television. But I would be miserable at Ohio State. See my point? </p>

<p>If we had more information from the OP, we could have discerned the nature of the problem better and offered suggestions: fight or flight. Or reasonable alternatives for transferring. Did they select Georgetown because its Jesuit? Or because its in DC? Or just its UNSWR ranking? Was the student a shy and reflective religious catholic? Georgetown is not a place for that from what I know. There are many good catholic schools which are more nurturing and religious. Georgetown is a springboard to a big government job, a superb law school or medical school or graduate school. Even its own law, medicine or graduate programs! </p>

<p>You would be amazed how many people apply to schools sight unseen, because of a lark or prestige and then get accepted…and some of them accept the offer and…surprise surprise…</p>

<p>Not saying some kid from a small town in the panhandle of Texas, e.g., cant do well at Georgetown. We had at least one President from a small southern town go there, become a Rhodes Scholar, and …</p>

<p>every student is an individual. Find the match that best fits your scores, needs, personality etc. </p>

<p>For the record we are southerners. My kid went out on a limb and went to college in New York. It was a huge culture shock. There was drama and rough times…but it all ended up beautifully. A good ending. But there are kids from <<hometown>> I wouldnt send up there and have recommended do something laid back and less ambitious, even though their scores were a good fit. its all good.</hometown></p>

82

<p>

</p>

<p>I couldn’t agree more, and we don’t know that that didn’t happen here. The OP’s son may very well be an ambitious, well-credentialed politician in the making, in which case, Georgetown was the best possible school for him. If so, and he left because of bad case of homesickness, that’s very sad.</p>

<p>My nephew is at Georgetown, and it is indeed an intimidating school filled with superstars. </p>

83

<p>I’m late here, but this thread came up on my Facebook feed just now so I thought I would add my $0.02 .
My daughter loves her college, and was also young (she turned 17 just days before move in). The age was never an issue because she was always the young one amongst her peers.
I wanted to offer general advice for others that may be reading this thread and that is, I think you should continually rock your childs world. What I mean by that is to seek out and put them in situations that require adjustment. My daughter skipped a grade, moved schools twice to take advantage of special programs that busted her brain academically, went across the country to summer long music camps the list goes on. In all these cases she had to start from scratch, make new friends, adjust, and keep adjusting. She is by nature outgoing but I watched other families try and keep their kids in the same programs with the same kids in the same environment from kdg to Highschool. I think it’s a mistake to do that.
Someone mentioned Nebraska, lol I am from Nebraska and my daughter does attend Columbia in NYC, but rather than culture shock, it was more like welcome home! My husband hails from India and I’m African American. We are rare here, but everywhere there! I just returned from dropping her for her Sophomore year and it is incredible there! Frankly had I not done what I did her whole life prior I think she would have had a much different transition.
As far as fit, how can you really know? In our experience, the best and most comprehensive looks she got at her schools was after she got accepted and invited to accepted students weekends. Prior to that, we didn’t have money to drive across the country doing College visits. She by chance saw two as they were near the music camp she attended, but those general tours don’t tell you much or how you “fit”.</p>

84

<p>I am a southerner as well, and my son went to NYC for theatre school. It was a huge shock to his system, went from being a large fish in a small bowl to being a minnow in the ocean. It took him almost half of the first semester to feel as if he fit in and to make friends. We did not ever offer to bring him home, and he never really asked but he questioned his decision every day. He is so glad he stuck it out, he loves the school, the city, his friends and also has a deep appreciation for home. I hope the OP’s child gives it a chance. As my daughter reminded my son during his darkest days, she did not meet her best friends/roommates in college until her second semester…and she was one of the rare ones who loved college from day 1. It just takes time.</p>

85

<p>The best advise I got last year when my 17 Year old was a freshman was… Give them 6 weeks. Don’t let them come home for 6 weeks and don’t come visit for those six weeks.That gives them time to really establish themselves. It’s hard, they were just the big fish in a small pond and now they are the small fish in a huge pond. Listen and encourage him to find his place (clubs, intermural sports, dorm life). It is hard if they don’t do it at the beginning then it is even harder to get them to leave their dorm and reach out. Talk to a counselor and have him talk to one too. Keep being that positive place without trying to give him a way out. Sooo sorry!!</p>

86

<p>One very important thing that kept me from allowing D to withdraw so early was the knowledge that once she got home and calmed down, she would very likely begin to see herself as an Epic Fail. I didn’t want her to have to carry around for the rest of her life that she’d bombed out of college in a matter of days. I figured that once she stopped being a ball of emotions, she’d be fine. It was up to me to make sure she stayed there long enough for that to happen. If she had still been desperately unhappy at the end of a semester or a year, then yes, transfer. But in the first few days or weeks? No. </p>

87

<p>sovereigndebt, Georgetown is a very tough admit for kids from the DC area. They want more geographic diversity. My kids went to top specialized programs in the DC area and very, very few were accepted there (including my kid). </p>

<p>My younger S was thrilled with his first year of college – it was the second that really pulled the rug out from under him. There are times even now when I think the only reason he’s still there is the Tae Kwan Do team. </p>

88

<p>I am holding on to this thread for sanity. My youngest just started college as well and is too saying he is unhappy
and questioning his decision. He loves sports and the kids he has met so far are not interested in watching or know very little about it. We are from the south and so is the school, but there are overwhelming numbers of northern and international kids. Then there are the issues of an 8:00 class, sleep deprivation, a dying relationship with his high school girlfriend at another school, bad fatty food, and hesitations to join clubs and get involved all at once. I’ve been his sounding board since day one. Holding on to photomom 5 posts for the same outcome , that time will help. Just dont know how to keep he and I sane. </p>

89

<p>For those of you that are experiencing stomach flip flops, sadness, anxiety, etc. because your child is unhappy, know that there are some of us reading this thread that have lived through this and there ARE happy endings. Four years ago I was in much the same position with my S. He had gone from a high school situation where he knew everyone and was very active to a spot at the bottom of the fish bowl where he knew no one, had nothing to do and struggled with “fit”. He literally walked campus on weekend nights looking for an activity that he would feel comfortable with. He ate his meals outside the cafeteria because he was embarrassed to not have a group to sit with in the cafeteria. Broke my heart.<br>
We/he didn’t recommend or talk any rash decisions and no talk of “transfer” came out of our mouths though I suspect he like H and I mulled those thoughts in our mind. Turned out that Christmas break gave him time to regroup and start back KNOWING what to expect when he returned in January. He was able to pull himself and more prepared for the return at that point. He found a small group he felt comfortable with that second semester. He graduated in May 2014 from this school with a small, but wonderful group of friends that he remains in touch with. </p>

<p>So know there is hope. :)</p>

<p>It’s easy to let their unhappiness spiral - “don’t like my roommate”, “don’t have any friends”, “hate the food”, “this class/professor is stupid/hard/boring”, “I’m tired/miss friends…” - TRY to grasp onto one thing that is going decently. Do they like their classes? Remind them that that is the primary reason they are there. Do they find comfort in their dorm room? Ask if there is anything you can provide for it to make it more homey - send care packages. Give them something to be happy/excited about even for a few moments. </p>

<p>Sometimes I had to tell my S to tell me one good thing on each phone conversation. (he had heard this from me before growing up) It made him think a little deeper and he could usually come up with something that would make him/me smile a bit, even if it was only “well, only 8 more days and I get to leave here and come home for the weekend”. Ok, I’ll take that. :)</p>

90

<p>@leeislegal - I TOTALLY feel your pain regarding the dying relationship with the high school GF situation and the sleep deprivation issue! Although it has been a couple years since my younger son was a freshman - your post brought back that feeling. I probably have PTSD! Both of those issues were the hardest things to deal with for both of my boys -especially my younger son. I feel for you that on top of that, your son is questioning his decision. Hopefully, that will change once he feels more connected and he gets used to his new routine. </p>

<p>I felt very, very thankful that both my boys loved their schools from day 1 and found their people quickly. I believe that saved S2s sanity (and mine) regarding the GF issue. As cliche as it sounds, your son really needs to get involved in something - he needs the distraction. I think with social media, the issue becomes even more difficult. MIx that with lack of sleep and it can get ugly. Another important thing to remember is he will probably sound worse on the phone with you than the reality. I remember feeling sick to my stomach when S2 would call (sad about the GF, suspicious she had an interest in someone else, always sounded exhausted) - then I would see pictures of him at a tailgate, etc. having the time of his life! What the heck? </p>

<p>Hopefully, your son finds like-minded friends soon because that will help him. In the meantime, all you can do is listen. This is SO hard for us as mothers - I totally understand!! </p>

91

<p>I understand too!! I’m reliving the fall of '09, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone! But abasket is right; try to hold onto the knowledge that a happy ending is possible – even likely – if you don’t rescue them too soon. </p>

<p>I’ll repeat my earlier mantra: Be sympathetic but calm. Don’t let them know about your own heartache and doubts. Express confidence that they’ll figure it out.</p>

<p>leeislegal, what’s your prediction about how long the relationship with the girlfriend will survive the separation? My D complained about the people, the food, the weather, the dorm, the classes, but it turned out that the real problem was that she was 1500 miles away from her boyfriend. Wanting to be with him prevented her from embracing the people around her, prevented her from even WANTING to embrace the people around her. Once that relationship was over, she jumped in with both feet at her college.</p>

92

<p>Thank you so much for your reply (dwhite and LasMa) and all the other relevant posts. So a week or more has gone by. There have been ok days that have made me cautiously optimistic. But intermittently,he returns to the wish of being at a school with football or at least had someone to watch a college game with. Of all the schools he applied to he was accepted at mostly urban back up schools which in the end was not ready for. This school has a beautiful campus , but is lacking in sports. He thought there would be more kids interested in watching or going to a nearby game. But he has not found those kids yet. He is still not sleeping well and very disorganized at times. So much of this is being on his own for the first time along with the fact that all his other HS friends seem to be having a great time at their Saturday games. We have opened a dialogue about transferring as a back up plan and we have promised to support his decision. He hasn’t spoke of his GF for a day or so I’m not sure what the latest is. In my opinion, it’s just a matter of time before it’s done. I can’t help but worry about the fact that he sounds awful and overwhelmed at times. Overall, he is a well organized, gracious, and very bright student. (under the right set of circumstances).</p>

93

<p>does the school have resources for this situation? </p>

94

<p>Just an update to the sympathetic ears - The HS relationship ended today . She won’t respond anymore. His text today to her after 4 days of nothing was How are you? It made him hate everything around him. The school, the classes, the people, the dorm, etc… He is still able to do some work, but this couldn’t have been worse for timing.
Last week he planned to drive to see her, take her to dinner and help her with some homework. She cancelled at the last minute. He wound up helping with homework online. Over the weekend he went out and enjoyed himself , but now we are right back to where we started. We still have the transfer plan in place… but right now taking this minute by minute. </p>

95

<p>@leeislegal - I’ve been wondering about your son - so sorry he (and you) are dealing with this. I am going to PM you.</p>

96

<p>Leeislegal, maybe now your son can fully devote himself to his college experience. Of course it hurts terribly when you think someone who was there for you just drops you. I have had this happen to me, and I think most people have had this experience at one time or another. I think a lot of folks hold onto HS relationships and this prevents them from really getting to know the new people they are meeting at college. Of course you never know if the one left behind was “the one” unless you try, but it is a very high percent that don’t succeed at staying together. There are lots of new people for your son to get to know. What may be daunting is that he is not having luck (because that is what I think is at work most of the time) meeting people who share his interests. I say the same thing that I tell my own D, keep trying. We have a little joke between us. I tell her to go through her rolodex (remember those before computers and smart phones? - I had to tell her what they were) and try to find someone who is interested in doing what you want to do. Sometimes you will find someone who is available or you will find another person with a different activity that you want to try. One thing I would suggest is not to transfer to the school with the girlfriend (any other place would be better). </p>

<p>It is a very hard adjustment for a lot of kids. Depending on the workload, it is not just the social stress, but the academic stress, and the stress of being on your own. Like everyone else has said, clubs, part time job, volunteer work etc. can be ways to meet people. If he likes sports, how about some club sports. I am not an athlete at all, but when I was in grad school, I played intramural basketball and softball. I also swam and took aerobics. It really helped balance out the rest of the time, which was almost all work. </p>

97

<p>leeislegal:</p>

<p>not sure what school your son is at. We are southerners and my kid went to school in NYC and it was a HUGE culture shock and a whole lot of drama…freshman year was a wild roller coaster and we almost pulled her. In the end, she stuck it out, dropped the former boyfriend from home who was at the state flagship and causing most of her problems…and by March it was a new world. Dont panic. Dont give up. </p>

<p>If you need more help or details of our experience, pm me. The school my kid attended had football and basketball on campus in NYC and that actually was a wonderful place to relax and find new friends. </p>

<p>Relationship drama is no fun and its part of the big change that occurs in college. But its normal to move on and find a new set of friends and in time a new main relationship partner. Growing up is hard and the stress of college is added to the cauldron of emotions. </p>

<p>It does get better. Let me know if I can help.</p>

98

<p>Yes, don’t panic and don’t give up. I know he just wants out, but this would be the very worst time for him to make a permanent decision about anything. Maybe he doesn’t fully realize that transferring isn’t going to cure heartbreak. </p>

<p>Encourage him to stick it out for the semester, and then take a leave for next semester. Maybe having that on the horizon will enable him to keep going.</p>