Do you have to take out loans?
Good luck, stay strong, and continue to pursue happiness.
i’m really sorry that he ripped the rug out from under you like that after saying last week he was fine with whatever school you decided. i hope you find some good friends right away at UCB and start off determined to have a wonderful time and get a great education there. and I hope Dad puts his money where his mouth is and pays up for all 4 years.
i hope you crush it at Berkeley and have a great experience and a great life.
Good luck to you at UCB!
And without using his financial leverage to control you in other ways (trying to force you to change major, etc.).
@richmond22 Best of luck to you at UCBerkeley. It may not have been your first choice, but take advantage of the college experience and the opportunity to get a first class education.
Go BEARS! You will love Cal.
I’m sorry you had to go through this, but your best move now is to make the most of UCB. It’s a great school. Do everything you can while there to ensure your financial independence in the future.
@richmond22: did he commit to paying on his own (ie., without co-signed loans)? Do you know the amount of loans and if your dad can pay them for 5 years?
[Note that you will NOT be considered a resident after a year so he’ll have to pay OOS fees for at least 4 years and, depending on whether you make it into the Public Policy major right away,perhaps 5.]
Did you get a scholarship to UVA or would you have been full pay anyway?
Do your best academically… he could run out of money at some point, and you would want to be in a good position to transfer then. Write a nice note to UVA admissions saying it was really hard to turn them down – yes, it is a big school, but it can’t hurt to leave on good terms, just in case you somehow end up transferring back. For now I would go and enjoy Cal – it IS a great school.
Actually, you did just make an assumption, and an incorrect one, because I’ve read every post in this thread. The father is withdrawing financial support and has stopped talking to the OP and the rest of her immediate family in order to force her to go to a peer school of UVA which is more costly, and which would mean she has to take out debt. He may have great intentions, but the way he’s carrying them out is manipulative. Even if he’s making some weak attempt to do the right thing, I don’t think there’s any sound argument that he * is * doing the right thing.
He’s not and I worry that, if paying will depend on loans, the father’s misplaced sense of prestige* would sink the family finances and force OP to drop out or affect the rest of the family.
In addition, because that is both authoritarian and manipulative, OP’s father may well continue to try and manipulate her through money.
UCB is a GREAT school so, in that, OP is lucky that school struck the dad’s fancy, but I worry about the ramifications.
In any case, OP should NOT cosign loans.
(if you have to take on loans, at least i should be for the school you chose. If your father wants you to go to UCB, he should shoulder the financial burden, not you.)
If refusing to cosign means you have to take a gap year, so be it.
Cosigned loans (forced upon kids or not) are like toxic chewing gum you can’t ever get rid of and burning/hurting you for ever and ever, even when you’re dead they pursue your parents or your children.
- because objectively they're peer schools and for what OP wants to study UVA is actually better.
I’m just pondering reasons for your Dad to be upset. He probably really, truly wants what he thinks is best for you. And he does have significantly more life experience. He would also be concerned about the cost and the value. And time is getting close, so that can bring on a bit of a panic factor. Try to see things through his eyes in order to be respectful in your conversation with him. Listen to him as much as you want him to listen to you. This IS a very important decision, and your relationship is important, too. Try to be calm and methodical and maybe sit down and write out the reasons each of you has for and against each college. Best of luck for a good future and both a happy life and a happy family relationship.
I agree entirely. That said, I believe every word of it. Why? Ockham’s razor. We have two equally good schools and her preferred one is a fraction of the cost of his. Assuming economic rationality, UVa is a better choice so I can’t see any benefit in framing the story to shine a poor light on her father.
I’m curious why you’re so willing to rationalize emotionally abusive and controlling behavior. What possible reason can you come up with the justify his behavior? Since you’re so adamant we consider his side of the story, I’m going to ask you to be creative, play pretend and write up the father’s rationale for acting this way. Let your creative juices flow.
BTW: I read ahead and realize she’s been extorted into committing to Berkeley so it’s just a mind experiment. I think be interested in your response.
“interested in your response.” We don’t have all the facts- including the real wealth of the family (maybe OOS at 60,000 is truly no big deal), what other schools would have been okay as far as her dad was concerned, was she forced to apply to UCB, what actually was said before applications went out and what is being said now , etc. It is an unusual thread because most times it is the opposite of this kind of thing when somebody posts-kid wants to go to the more expensive school and is complaining that the parent won’t finance it. I hoped initially that the thread was a joke because of what was being described- you have a great instate option that you prefer and a parent seems to be forcing you to go to a school you don’t really want to go to, at twice the price. But apparently not. All the best at UCB. Go Bears!
As a non-east coast person:, in a large part of the country (and internationally), UVa is unknown and UCB has a lot of prestige. But I hope the dad allows his kid to go to UVa.
http://grantland.com/features/matrimonial.moneyball East Coast / West Coast./ International differences and perceptions. It gets funny .
This is an interesting thread but the choice has been made and we should support OP and hope for the best for her and her family. My sense is that OP’s father will do what he has to do to pay for Berkeley (or perhaps family on the father’s side will be helping fund OP’s education). To him it is worth it because he is obsessed with prestige and Berkeley’s name is big in China (even if others consider the two schools to be comparable). So OP is being forced to attend her 2nd choice…but Berkeley is still a great school and it may ultimately prove to be the best choice. OP’s gut was saying UVA but that doesn’t mean she won’t still have a phenomenal experience at Berkeley. And it sounds like OP understands that she will be getting a great education, whether she were at UVA or Berkeley.
Too many people act like a particular school is perfect or that school x is clearly inferior to school y. In this case, OP’s father is doing that very thing. He’s inflating the qualitative difference between the two schools. Ultimately, however, OP’s father has the financial hammer and OP is being very smart, IMO, going along with her father since (1) UCB is a great school, (2) her father will presumably pay for all or most of the education, and (3) her decision should help family harmony. In a perfect world, OP’s father would have listened to her daughter and OP’s wishes would have counted for more…but its not a perfect world, so we can only hope that OP takes advantage of her opportunities at UCB. Good luck to you and your family.
Good luck, richmond22, we will be rooting for you! I’m hoping that getting away from home will be the best thing for you.
Somebody just brought up a possibility that had not been raised before: The father may think that he will be paying in-state tuition for UCB after the first year. I hope he doesn’t become enraged when he gets the bill for sophomore year.
@richmond22 Best of luck to you!! Berkeley is a great place to go to college. And you’ll meet lots of great people.
@sevmom – Given the one comment, “you’ll just be a middle class housewife.” and the differing demographics (35% vs 12%), matrimonial moneyball may be more accurate than you know.