Marie, I agree. People are getting nasty and making all kinds of projections and value judgments on this lady. We really don’t know the whole story. OP keep us posted! We’re rooting for a good outcome for both you and your daughter.
The posts by the OP don’t seem to express any concern for the daughter, or the daughter’s wishes. That does not mean there isn’t any concern…but it isn’t coming across. The posts paint the picture (accurate or not) of a D who researched schools, found what she liked, and presumably was led to believe they were a possibility, then was told to go to UMass, perhaps with the idea that she’d try it to see if it would work out.
The posts on this thread don’t paint a picture of a D who is just a complainer, and is creating drama. More of a compliant (perhaps too compliant?) D who is unhappy in her situation, but doing her best to make it work, and still feeling very much under the control of her mother.
All of that may be completely off base…but that is the picture I get when I read this thread.
OP, if those of us seeing the situation this way are not getting the true picture, please let us know…or don’t. lol We’re just a bunch of strangers and our opinions won’t affect you or your D’s situation at all. 
We do wish for the best possible outcome for you and your D, and if the picture some of us are getting is accurate, then getting you to see that perspective may be a step toward that good outcome.
Reading between the lines, I’m inclined to conclude that the OP’s daughter is neither a whiner nor mentally ill. Rather, she is a young woman who was pressured into attending a college she felt would be a poor fit and is struggling to articulate to her parents that her instincts were correct–despite doing well academically, making friends, joining clubs, and doing whatever else she can to make the situation work. I also think she has shown some real initiative by exploring alternative schools on her own, and I have read nothing in the OP’s posts to indicate that the daughter expects her family to foot the bill for the potentially higher cost of another school.
My sense is that we can give all the advice we want about how to resolve this situation to everyone’s satisfaction, but the real problem seems to be the strained relationship between the OP and her daughter and the lack of communication between them. Based on her posts, the OP seems controlling and rigid. On the other hand, the OP’s daughter seems unable to articulate the reasons for her unhappiness in a way that the OP can take seriously. I would hope that the OP and her daughter could find a way to work this problem out together and in so doing could find their way back to each other. I have to say that I am saddened by the breach in the relationship between the OP and her daughter, and I hope it can be repaired for both their sakes.
When she’s home, she’s not actually home-she’s out with friends at other colleges, staying with friends, or doing her own thing. She just needs the ride from us, and my husband offered before she asked. I don’t appreciate people insinuating that she’s manipulative-maybe dramatic, but not manipulative.
She’s finishing out the year. She’s been running financial aid calculators and has added two of the smaller state schools to her list of places to look, as long as we agreed to also let her look at a few other schools that may work out some other way.
She’s getting her car up there in a couple weeks, so maybe that will help a bit.
I imagine that the vast majority of posters are hoping that the situation will work out so that the student has a productive, happy time in college that it is affordable to the family.
As to whether sympathies lie primarily with the mother or her daughter, it seems as if many opinions here are shaped by the posters’ own individual experiences, which makes sense. Children span a wide spectrum, from always compliant to frequently complaining.
I agree with @redpoodles that we really do not know the whole story. But I would also suggest that no matter what the whole story may be, any parent and any child can benefit from occasionally saying to each other, “I’ve made some mistakes; I’m really proud of you; let’s work together to make this happen.”
Hi Ellen,
I’ve skimmed this thread and I just thought I’d make a comment. First of all, I am grateful for having found this conversation because I am the mother of a senior who is in the midst of deciding what college to go to…she has been accepted to a variety of schools and has eliminated the large state schools for the very reasons it sounds like your daughter doesn’t like them.
I feel badly for you and your daughter but I’m glad it sounds like you guys are working on a solution and she may end up being so happy (and therefore you too!) when this is all behind you. The thing is, it is so difficult for a 17 or 18 year old to really know what they want in a school…big, small, public, private, greek life, no greek life, etc. How does one know what will make them happy until they actually experience it??? And so many kids go off with the expectation that they are supposed to LOVE LOVE LOVE college and it may not always turn out that way, especially freshman year.
So in the end I truly hope that this year will help lead your daughter to a better fit that will bring her more happiness, and maybe she will have benefited more than others that had a better fit from the beginning, because she will have figured out what she really wanted in a college.
I hope she finds the right match and I suspect in some ways this experience will make her stronger in the end.
Good luck!
@ellen94 I have gleamed that your DD is interested in nursing. Google nursing programs in Mass and go to the State Board of Nursing site which lists all the programs in the state, LPN, AD-RN, BSN (20 programs). Just so your search evaluates programs out there.
My DD is a second semester junior at her school. She didn’t have the large size for many of her classes as your DD. I know her school does have some super sized lectures with Intro Psychology for example. There are a total of 120 students in her nursing class (her school starts students fall, spring, and summer with junior year clinical nursing, so it is a sizable state program).
It sounded like the large intro class sizes was not what DD was looking to deal with, or maybe didn’t realize how much she would dislike.
Going in, you don’t know what you don’t know. Now things can be evaluated and communicated, and hopefully you can find a school that is a good fit on every level, and one where she can complete her degree in a timely manner.
Good luck!
OP - In one of your posts you said that your DD had made some friends at college through the LGBT group. UMASS is ranked as LGBT friendly but I’m wondering. Is possible that it’s not really just the size of the classes and but that she would like to be at a smaller college that is more LGBT friendly?
No, that’s not it-she says she doesn’t really care as long as it’s smaller.