My daughter wants to come home

Parents Forum
141

No wonder your daughter’s upset. You let her apply to a school she really likes, get accepted, then didn’t follow through with filing the FAFSA to find out whether or not it was even affordable and then “pushed (UMass) on her”?

Why don’t you tell her how much you can afford to pay each year (after you figure out how much debt is reasonable given her career choice), and tell her that if she finds a college she likes for that amount then she can transfer? I think waiting around hoping she’s going to love UMass is a waste of time because UMass was your choice, not hers. If she finds out her alternatives cost way more than you can pay (and require more than the maximum ~$6k students loans she can get per year), she may learn to like it. But she won’t like it just because you tell her she should.

142

Thumper1, I would add that Kid made an effort at UMass. She has done well in her classes, made friends and maybe joined clubs (?). She’s done her part to make the parent choice work but she’s just not feeling it for whatever reason.

I was that Kid. My case was a financial decision, so no flexibility. I made it through my undergrad intact but I wouldn’t wish my experience on anyone. I hope the parents listen, really listen to their child.

143

@thumper1‌ I think you summarized it very well.

@SlackerMomMD‌ I was also that kid, sort of. I sucked it up at a giant school I didn’t love. But it wasn’t entirely horrible. I do have a lot of good memories and made some lifelong friends. And it got me to my next stage of life. At the time I didn’t know any better. Transferring felt like failing at life so I kept trying in misery. But now, looking back, I wish I’d spoken up and I give huge kudos to this kid for being mature enough not only to know this place doesn’t fit but to do everything she can to get on a better path.

144

I’m hoping the D is also on CC, and is seeking advice on how to work out the transfer on her own, not counting on Mom to help. I feel for this girl.

145

With or without CC, this girl can figure that out and probably already has.

146

This is from Ellen’s first thread in November.

So Ellen, what were the other two colleges to,which the FAFSA was sent? Did your daughter get financial aid packages from them?

147

I would also recommend doing the FAFSA together or getting some outside help. If you are able to get your taxes done soon you can link the FAFSA to your tax return and retrieve the numbers directly. That makes it much easier and most school prefer that now. In most cases it eliminates the need for verification later. You want to make sure that it is done correctly to maximize aid possibilities.

148

Even though UMass is paid for already, it may very well be possible to get all or almost all of your money back. My only caution with your plan is that if she is truly unhappy, or becomes actually depressed, her grades may go down a lot. Right now her transcript is great and she can probably get in anywhere she applies. It is possible that sticking out the year will be the best approach, but also possible that it could be trouble.

If she does become depressed or ill in any way, please remember that a medical leave might be possible and that would mean the possibility of cleaning her slate (transcript) if her grades did indeed plummet. This might take some advocacy on your part.

I cannot imagine how a kid her age could do the FAFSA’s. Did you give her all your bank statements and balances, W-2’s or tax forms?

You or she can add a lot of schools to the FAFSA before any applications are done. When I do them I try to think of any possible school my kids might want to take classes in, including, for one, community college.

I wonder if your own background is relevant here. There are a lot of ins and outs to all this college stuff and perhaps you just wanted to keep it simple, but your daughter could possibly have gone to Simmons or other schools for less. I also wonder if you resent your daughter for going when you did not go, and if you interpret any complaints from that vantage point. It would be understandable but not helpful.

149

Also cosigning loans would be even less desirable if she indeed changed majors from nursing to education.

If you were going to cosign loans, why didn’t you let her go to a school where she might have gotten a merit scholarship good for 4 years coming in as a freshman?

I would definitely reach out to the other schools where she was accepted first and they might still offer her the same package which might be comparable to UMass in cost and may require less in loans taken out than you thought.

150

I was not originally planning on consigning loans; I figured that if she stayed at UMass, we could make it work. She’s agreeing to look at other state schools (Bridgewater, Salem, and Fitchburg) in addition to some of the other schools she would like to look at (Saint Anselm, Providence College, Northeastern, and BC).

We originally send out the FAFSA to UMass, UConn, and Northeastern. She was in love with Northeastern, but it was 30,000 a year.

151

Something about this whole situation seems a little odd.

Some of her statements don’t seem as if they could really be coming from a mother, seem to be unusually harsh, or seem contradictory. I put a bunch of quotes below this so that I could read through them again and see what was bugging me, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe I’m just very unfamiliar with this kind of candor coming from a parent in a strained relationship with her daughter, especially after finding out the daughter is on CC as well.

She’s my first in college and neither my husband or I attended, so I did not know about the process. We did not tour schools and she handled all of the FAFSA forms on her own, but we only sent them out to three schools.

When she was applying to schools, I really wasn’t that involved. I didn’t want her touring with other people, but at the same time I was unable to take off time to tour with her

I don’t want her to transfer; I have another heading off next year and I don’t need both of them in private schools.

Going to a private high school, I expected her to go to a four year university.

She was accepted there (this is referring to Simmons College) with a large scholarship, , but we never submitted the fafsa

She’s looking at some really small colleges and asking about the sizes-Simmons’ largest lecture hall is 60, which she loved

There were a couple options that probably would’ve worked out okay after financial aid

Personally, I think she’s being dramatic. Yes, we did really push this school on her, but there’s nothing wrong with a state school.

She doesn’t want a single room-she loves her roommate and loves having someone to go back to, she just doesn’t like large class sizes. She wants to know her professors, be able to interact with them in class

She’s agreeing to complete the semester on the condition that we pick her up each weekend so she can have her space then.

She is in the process of transferring and toured over break, but didn’t invite me; she said that she did not want my negative attitude there.

I think that if I paid for it, I should be able to tell her what to do for this semester. If someone had paid for my college, I certainly would have done whatever it toke to make it work. High school is over and she needs to grow up and learn to deal with it when things don’t go her way.

152

Is Northeastern really smaller? Or is it the location she likes better?

153

I honestly don’t even think she really knows what she wants; she’s looking around a lot. She hasn’t brought it up recently and has been very focused on Simmons and Saint Anselm.

154

It sounds like she has a pretty good idea of what she wants, but not a good idea of what her options might be…what you might allow her to do. Of course, at this point she can’t know which school will work out (admissions and financially). She would have to go through the process of applying first.

She has a dilemma, knowing she has to work within the parameters you set financially (unless she can get a full ride…which would be wonderful and she could make her own choices), but it doesn’t sound like you are really giving her the information she might need about those parameters.

She did it your way…and she is suffering for it. Let her do it her way this time.

155

Ellen- how was your relationship with your D before the college stuff hit the fan?

I’m sensing a LOT more going on here than FAFSA, nursing, and U Mass.

Do you really want a relationship with her going forward where your pattern is for you to dismiss or diminish her feelings just because you don’t share them? Do you want to be locked into an adulthood with her where she knows you will weigh in with judgement even before you’ve fully listened to her or explored the issue?

You think she should love U Mass. She doesn’t. You decided (for reasons that I’m sure made sense to you at the time) not to explore what might have been some affordable (even cheaper than U Mass!) options for her education- and have now decided that she doesn’t know what she wants because she’s willing to NOW cast a wide net for an affordable option.

She would not be the first college kid to decide that the path- nursing, engineering, accounting, whatever- that everyone thinks is such a perfect fit, is not in fact what she wants to do with her life. And there is nothing wrong with either community college - a less expensive way to explore her Gen Ed requirements- or a transfer.

You seem to have dug yourself into a hole where just because you don’t want to co-sign loans for her (perfectly understandable) that means she has no option but to stick it out at U Mass. But that is incorrect- it’s not how financial aid works AT ALL. There are likely merit aid options; there are other public U’s, she can do a year at Community College and apply the savings to her junior/senior year tuition. She may qualify for ROTC.

Now is a good time to crack open the door you seem to have shut in her face, and tell her, “We’ve sat down with our credit card statements, bills, and tax returns. We can afford X dollars per year for the next three years. After that, you are on your own. We will do anything we can to help you get a college degree, and will do anything we can to support you if/when you decide you don’t want to be a nurse, or want to take time off, or want to live at home, or whatever. You need to figure out what your options are; we will file the forms we need to ON TIME to make sure you don’t miss out on need-based aid.”

When you post here, you sound awfully punitive and judgemental. I bet you can turn this around. Supporting her wish to transfer is a good way to start.

156

On the other hand…OP’s daughter seems very confident and knowledgeable. SHE could have easily submitted the FAFSA to the other schools because the FAFSA does in fact belong to the student. I did steer my kids toward some schools that I knew we could afford and where I thought they’d be happy, but they had the option of looking for and following up with others. They didn’t to it. One daughter really wanted to go to a California school, but when I said she had to do all the research, it never happened. The other was interested in a military academy, but only if I did all the work. They aren’t unhappy where they are, but in many ways they did go where I pointed.

If I’d left my college choice up to my parents, I’d never have registered. I had to do it all. The OP directed her daughter to the flagship, which the majority of parents do. Not everyone knows that you don’t always have to pay the sticker price. I’m not convinced the daughter will be happier at a smaller school. It seems that the daughter has a vision of a perfect school, and I don’t think she’ll find it.

I’m getting calls from my daughter now at the start of second semester and I do wonder (as I’m filling out all the financial aid stuff and wondering if I’m wasting my time) if she’ll go back next year. She did very well first semester, but is now anxious and unhappy. I don’t know if it’s just a short term thing or if she’s really having trouble. Like the OP, I tend to think my daughter’s just complaining and not depressed or miserable, as she is by nature a complainer.

157

Yes, northeastern is a smaller college than UMass. But that doesn’t mean the classes will be smaller!

158

My daughter went to Northeastern and had plenty of large lecture classes.

It sounds like OP’s daughter is interested in Simmons/St Anthems but if Northeastern remains under consideration, I hope Ellen’s daughter realizes just how different its whole vibe is. The entire undergrad program is built around co-ops. That affects everything – from 2nd year on, a lot of your friends/classmates disappear off campus for months on end because they’re on co-op. And of course, most students do the 5-year plan (though it’s possible to graduate in 4 years if you take on more classes and do fewer co-ops.)

159

Simmons is across the street from Children’s Hospital, Dana Farber, Brigham and Women’s, Joslin and Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center. Incredible location for nursing. Also a smallish school. Seems it would be a great choice.

160

OP what are your H’s thoughts on all of this? Also you said you have a second child starting college in the Fall and “you don’t need two in private school.” Is the second child being allowed to apply to schools other than state schools?