my extremely bright daughter did an extremely stupid thing

<p>"Other Children Who Reside in My House who shall remain unnamed" LOL. Like you said, you have to know them. Actually, I know that my son is really good friends with a kid who smokes pot regularly....and I'm sure some of his friends drink. These are his choices. He has been very close to some of his friends for many, many years (since Pre-K) and not all of them have chosen the best paths - even though they are all academically talented and seem perfect on the surface. He seems to feel loyal to them, even when they self-destruct. I worry when he's with them and make sure that he drives his own car. I know he knows how to say "later" when things get hairy. It's wild that he has such diverse groups of friends. But, that's the whole point. Whne your kid is firm in who they are, it doesn't matter who they're around (except that they can be caught innocently in a situation and be guilty by association) - they won't waiver.</p>

<p>Here's my take on overreacting. If they are under the age of 16, move heaven and earth. If they are over 16, get the kid moving. If they are over the age of 18, let them sort it out and be there as the sounding board.</p>

<p>My S went to a party a few months after he turned 14. We called to make sure parents would be there. However, the mother was delayed out of town and her boyfriend laid out a table of hard liquor for the mixed age group. Drinking games ensued. The party culminated in a sleep over for the girls who were freshman. </p>

<p>DH greeted S at the door and was knocked back by the smell of gin. As punishment, S painted our 1905 basement after he scrubbed it clean from cobwebs. It took him three weeks.</p>

<p>I contacted the girl who hosted the party and gave her a week to report the party to the headmaster of their elite private school. She did--although she reported that my S was drinking alone in a closet. The headmaster knew better and he and I had a laugh about that. </p>

<p>The scheme worked. I don't think the girl hosted such a party again. Hopefully, it put the fear of God into the other kids too. (That crazy Mrs X! She might make us call the Headmaster! We'll never get into HYP!)</p>

<p>Sadly, a huge percentage of the partygoers were unable to tell their parents the truth. H and I got lots of sympathy 'talks' regarding our S, the closet drinker. It sure was a loyalty wake-up call for S and his best friend (also confessed to parent). </p>

<p>In the end, they graduated a fairly wholesome group. Many got into the top twenty schools of their dreams. Not sure what happened to the boyfriend... :p</p>

<p>I told my son about this thread and he read it too. Sorry, I don't have any words of wisdom, not having any experience in this sort of thing...well a minor one but not much since. But my sympathies are with you and prayers for your daughter. Hope everything turns out fine for her.</p>

<p>Mumbe, I am so glad you have someone like your minister to be the go-between in this situation. If he can find out what the legal implications of all of this are, that would be a big help as I agree with the posters that bringing up the subject of an attorney can be viewed as threatening. It does not seem to me that it is going to go beyond the walls of the college since they bounced out the dealer rather than turn him over to the police. In some states, selling dope carries some significant penalties. </p>

<p>I believe that a brief leave would make a difference rather than putting her right back into the same environment where she is having some issues. It'll give her some time to get her head back together and figure things out, and give you a chance to observe her and maybe get a better idea of what is going on with her.</p>

<p>Northstarmom - I don't want your very wise post (#67) to go without a comment of appreciation. Eloquent discussion of how our parenting and modeling guides our children. As a wise man once told a group of us parents: "Don't worry that your children aren't listening to what you say. Worry that they are watching what you do." "What you do" includes the subtext of parents' messages.</p>

<p>"What do you think the college might do? The administrator told her they regard this offense very seriously, as they should. Among the possibilities are judicial probation (and I am not sure yet what the conditions of that would be) and judicial suspension, which would mean she would be kicked out for period of time. She is there on full scholarship, which doesn't appear to be immediately imperiled by this situation. "</p>

<p>Judicial action ends up being noted on college transcripts at most schools. It will likely ban her from participating in some activities on campus. Students who have been sanctioned by college judicial panels are often barred from school study abroad programs, from working as an RA, and are at risk of losing financial funding. In many ways, it is better to be expelled outright. I have watched the child of a close friend be shut of out of law school despite a high gpa and great LSAT scores because of their undergraduate judicial record (every school applied to has been forthcoming that this was the reason). 20/20 hindsight tells us that he would have been better off to either be expelled or voluntarily transfer to a new school so that when the law schools asked his Dean of Students about his academic record he would have recieved a 'clean bill of health' from the new school. Even if she is allowed to stay, the consequences can be far reaching after graduation.</p>

<p>if she is really scared to death, she won't do this again. also remember that she is too young to throw her life down the toilet. she sounds like a promising young girl and mistakes always happen. she will learn from this experience. this is life. I highly doubt that she will be kicked out of school or the like (unless its a parochial school). Usually those punishments are reserved for people who are slammed with "intent to proliferate." One joint is nothing. Administrators have to tell students and parents that they take this very seriously (how could they not?), but I see nothing more than a small suspension at the maximum. Hang in there. the waiting is the hardest part.</p>

<p>Other Children Who Reside in My House who shall remain unnamed</p>

<p>Had a flash back when I read that because I have had moments when I was talking to D and resorted to saying "you, you know your name" as I had a momentary laspe and couldn't remember her name and I only have 1 child</p>

<p>After reading many of the posts on this subject I finaly decided to jump in - When kids go to college - they are given the rules and regs of living in a dorm - usually called something like a Student Handbook - which outlines the things they need to know - including what is not acceptable while living in the dorms - and this includes alcohol and drugs - use of and possession of. There are also local laws regarding this also - tho some schools do not include the local police in some incidents - some do - and campus police also have a legal obligation when it comes to drugs and alcohol incidents.</p>

<p>There are many incidents relating to especialy alcohol - that a college student may not ever report to their parents - especially if they over 18. They may handle it on their own thru the schools process (unless it is an incident that involved the police - then they would have to hande it thru the court of the land.) Many schools have a judicial process within the school that handles these things - and at many schools this process may even be 1-2-3 strikes you are out - but the student will have the opportunity to ''fix'' the problem by participating in a special program - do a research paper - pay a fine - or something similar - be on probation for a determined period of time without any further incidents - and at the final end - may be told to leave the dorms/school - depending on the particular incident. There are times that the student has to leave the living situation but can continue to attend classes for a specified period of time.</p>

<p>At many schools - there is a 'no tolerance of any kind' when it has to do with drugs - which can result in immediate expulsion no matter what the circumstances are - BUTthey may again give the student - thru a judicial process -the opportunity to 'fix' it as above - taking the individual student into consideration.</p>

<p>When these things happen to 'good' kids - it is definitely a lesson learned for them - scares the crap out of them!!!!!!! - which is a great thing for them. The student mentioned in the OP is lucky that she will have an advocate to attend the judicial process with her - but she has to face this music herself. The need for a lawyer would not be appropriate as this is not a police action - but a school action. The student tho has to be prepared for whatever the outcome of this is and learn from it - sorry to say - but she is lucky the local police are not involved. And this is also one of those things where the parent has to step out and stand on the side line - the student has to do this herself - no one else can.</p>

<p>I have to comment also - that this may NOT be long standing behaviour - but it may be a maturity issue - there is many a college student who experiements for the first time when the ties that bind them to their parents and home are cut when they leave for college. I agree that talking to someone would be beneficial - for the student and the parent - so that all are on the same page in this - but to assume that this is long standing behaviour may be off the base - tho it well could be also.</p>

<p>
[quote]
Had a flash back when I read that because I have had moments when I was talking to D and resorted to saying "you, you know your name" as I had a momentary laspe and couldn't remember her name and I only have 1 child

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Sybbie...sometimes this kind of thing can be very fun and funny...what gets really embarrassing is if you are mad at the dog, and you call him by one of your children's names, within hearing of the children....or vice versa. I have been guilty of both.</p>

<p>I am guilty of that also as our dog is named Stacy. I will call Stacy by Daughter's name and vice versa. Does this mean we risk our chance of getting a good room at the home?</p>

<p>You all ain't heard nothing yet. I go through the entire roll call, dogs, cats, H and all regularly.</p>

<p>LOL Jamimom, me too!!! One after the other until I get it right. But the cats' names never get into the mix, which shows you where my preferences lie....it's particularly embarrassing because our dog's name is a very non-human name (I mean, what kid is named "Freckles"?).</p>

<p>Northstaromom, I think you projected a bit too much on to my statement. I personally think pot is a very low risk substance and my daughter does know that, but at the same time she does know that I expect it is not appropriate for her age or position in school. There is no confusion or tales of "fun" college indulgence, you just made that up. I don't believe in the "don't get caught mentality." My kid is on the Honor Cabinet at her school, which is a rigorous process to be on, you go through several peer and faculty reviews, and must therefore embody the ideals of the Honor Code. We have real dialogue, and she tries to put herself in others shoes.</p>

<p>I do think pot-smoking horrors are overblown. I don't think it is much realated to substance abuse. I think substance abuse is due to several other issues, usually emotionally and genetically based. I am very concerned that pot is an illegal substance and people are jailed for it. I do think one should generally avoid activities that are illegal. However, I do think people are free to smoke it in some areas where it is not a prosecuted, like SF. I don't smoke it myself (it's much too strong these days!)</p>

<p>Edited to add:</p>

<p>When we went to an info session at her boarding school, one Dad asked what would happen if kids got caught smoking a joint on the tennis court. The daughter was cringing at this question (They were 8th graders!), and the girls' Dean said "well that sort of person would not be applying to xxx school". We felt bad for the girl when her Dad asked that so causually. That is how my original statement came up--she was going on scholarship and I wanted to emphasize how any "pot smoking expirementation would have to wait to college", because it was a serious issue in a boarding environment and could get you expelled. She was even embarrased that I brought it up, but I felt the conversation was necessary.</p>

<p>I hope this context put this in better light. But still, it is easy to knee-jerk on a bb and I've done it often.</p>

<p>I believe that marijuana has addictive properties, and smoking it has a deleterious effect on your lungs. Plus all of the safety issues that goes with anything that impairs one's physical and mental abilities.<br>
<a href="http://www.brown.edu/Student_Services/Health_Services/Health_Education/atod/marijuana.htm%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.brown.edu/Student_Services/Health_Services/Health_Education/atod/marijuana.htm&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>At least it is not as harmful as alcohol, and I think I have read that people actually drink less if they smoke pot. Pot is not as bad on your lungs as tobacco, which is completely legal from age 18. Why don't we worry about teen smoking, which is epidemic?</p>

<p>The fact remains that in the United States it is illegal, as is drinking alcohol under the age of 21. If your child sees people using it in SF with no consequences, you really need to educate them to the fact that in most places the police and colleges will do something about it. </p>

<p>Someone in the field once told me that it's possible for some people to drink alcohol without suffering deleterious affects, but that he had never seen anyone who smoked marijuana NOT develop a problem. There are other substances, that are legal, that are bad for a person's health, but I agree with NSM.</p>

<p>I know many people that smoke pot and have not deletererious affects, these include doctors at USF and so many people prominent in business and banking, that I can't even list. That is a ludicrious statement. However, my child does not usually see people smoking pot because she goes to a boarding school where it is not permitted. I, however, do see it. That statement is bizarre, certainly not supported by popular observable data or scientific data. But we must agree to disagree, I suppose, since I don't feel like hunting down the recent studies in this area.</p>

<p>bettina , are you here? I need a help immediately, can you tell me what year of fafsa did you fill for your childern?</p>

<p>Thanks</p>

<p>my specific problem is stated on this thread:</p>

<p><a href="http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=29017%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=29017&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>thanks</p>