I have enough common sense to know why professors don’t date their students. In my senior year of high school, I watched my dad pass away unexpectedly in front of me; one of my teachers Harry was very supportive towards me - I don’t have a crush on Harry at all, but Mom said Harry was just like a father figure in helping me. For my first semester of college, I didn’t crush on Ben right away. Even when he let me borrow (he even offered to let me keep it) one of his old textbooks for one of my classes, I wasn’t touched.
In my second semester, I was confused on a problem many times; Ben sweetly smiled at me and said, “Don’t worry - we’ll work through this together!” Another time, I thought I made a bad first impression on other people on campus; when I reached out to Ben, he smiled at me the whole time, eagerly declared, “I will be your advocate!” and marched out the door to help me out; he came up with a solution the very next morning. Ben’s smiles and dedication touched me - I cried a bit when I was alone since he was just as kind as Harry.
Mom also nagged me to let Ben know about my father’s passing, so Ben would be “inspired” to help me if I ever need him in the future. I held on to Mom’s words too literally: I wrote Ben a letter. I cried in front of Ben for a few minutes as he read my letter; he was still gracious towards me. I didn’t throw away the letter right away since I thought Ben was very special - I wanted to hold onto this letter which reminded me of him. Ben made me feel safe and taken care of.
One week later, I received an email stating Ben would be promoted and move to a different building on campus. I cried for a few minutes since I was surprised. After I felt bad he would be farther away from me, I then cried since we had nothing in common on the surface (even if were were allowed to date, would he be attracted to me?). I’m now in the phase where I’m comparing myself to his wife Becky who I never met but looked up on Google/Facebook - she’s funner, more social, and more intelligent/academically driven than me. I’m different from Becky.
Move on. He was kind. He is married. There are many, many young men at your U who are kind and NOT married. Get to know some of them and you will be glad you did!
Sorry… Reads like a bad novel. He moves to another building on campus and you cry? Campus can’t be that big…
Anyway, crying is not good and you have mixed emotions and sounds like a mood disorder. Please go to counseling /mental health services at school and talk with someone. Your feelings are real but they could affect your schooling and your well being. Talking to someone is good who is impartial. You"won’t " be the first student to fall hard for a professor and you won’t be the last. This sounds like more then a crush and why you should get some help now. Good luck.
@HImom My parents verbally abused each other regularly ever since I was born…and I was sucky at forming an active social life for a long time; I think this is why I was very delayed in developing my first crush.
@twoinanddone I’ve had authority figure before who were genuinely nice to me…but I never crushed on them. Ben was the first guy who was sweet and charming towards me (even if it’s a work persona he’s good at maintaining) - this meant a lot to me.
Ben is off limits. Period. Full stop. Congratulate him on his promotion. Tell him he earned it after so graciously supporting students such as yourself. The end. Do not seek him out any further. Then get your tushie to the mental health center where you can find the appropriate support for yourself. When you’re in a better place (no longer so emotionally reliant on the daddy figures), go out and meet single men closer to your own age.
@Groundwork2022 Ben doesn’t look like a “daddy figure” at all on the surface - he’s handsome, well-dressed, and very young for a professor (early 30s). He’s a healthy introvert who’s intelligent, articulate, composed, and approachable. If he ever has kids in the future I’ll be suprised since he strikes me as a career-oriented man who really loves his job.
Having a crush is probably a way your brain tries to deflect sad thoughts related to your father’s passing and other issues. Don’t try to struggle with it (it won’t work), but certainly don’t let Ben know in any way, and don’t rush into another relationship. Try to find other ways to occupy your brain. Get to work on your social life, seek counseling, volunteer etc. Find a circle of people who will care about you.
If you really care about YOUR future, get some counseling and avoid romance with married men, really. That will help you avoid heartache. It doesn’t matter how handsome Ben or other married guys are, they are off limits. Even if Ben is 30 or so, that’s over 10 years older than you—try forming friendships with your peers around your age.
It’s good you are calling this a crush — treat it as such and let it go.
How old are you? In your other threads you said you started college in 2014, so your 2nd semester of college was ~5 years ago. Have you been looking up this man’s wife on Google and Facebook for 5 years? A 5 year fixation on a married man isn’t a crush.
I understand missing your dad. I miss mine every day. But if your dad died when you were in high school that had to be 6 or 7 years ago. No decision you make now should be based on that. If it is, you need grief counseling. Stay away from your former professor and quit searching Google and Facebook for information about his wife.
A year ago you were 30 credits away from an engineering degree. How is that going? Did you go see someone at your college’s mental health clinic like posters suggested to deal with your anxiety and other issues?
@austinmshauri I just sent you a message (a private one) via College confidential with more details, since you seemed so confused. Please read it so you’re less confused - and also let me know when you’ve finished reading it. Thanks!
I am confused. In this thread you said your dad passed away in front of you when you were a high school senior (2013-2014), yet in 2015 you said your dad had just gotten you an internship where he was currently working, and in 2016 you repeated comments that he gave regarding an issue you were having with your current roommate.
If you want real advice from this forum you should respect the volunteers enough to tell them the truth. Pretending to be an undergrad who’s talking about a college professor when none of that is the truth isn’t going to get you any useful feedback.
@SunnyRose. I could of guessed your family situation. It’s so obvious to all but you. Even your descriptions of this person are out of a cheap novel. I am not saying this to hurt you at all. I am more concerned about you and your mental health. Do yourself a favor and bring this thread to a social worker /psychologist and have a consult and see what they say. This isn’t about who is wrong or right here. This goes much deeper. This can affect you the rest of your life.
OP, as someone pointed out above, your second semester of college was 4 or 5 years ago. Why are you writing like this is in the current time period? How is college going? BTW, most college profs do have kids.
Here’s what happened - i.e., what actually happened that I didn’t mention. Everything else - about the letter, Ben being promoted, Ben being nice and attentive, me crying and feeling bad - are all true.
I don’t know why you looked into my old threads so deeply since they aren’t relevant to this thread at all - but if you’re offended I’m sorry:
Dad died in front of me in early 2018, NOT high school. All my earlier threads on CC were true. Where did you get information I asked my dad on my issue with my roommate in 2016 (the issue did happen with my roommate - I just mentioned about my parents’ religious background and nothing more)?
Harry was actually my supervisor, Ben was my supervisor too.
I just came back to my old CC account, which I logged onto when I was bothered in the past - in retrospect, I should have mentioned I’m a recent college graduate who was going through all this. I just thought CC wouldn’t like posts about post-college life. I also could have made a throwaway CC account to post this thread.
If others are offended, I’m sorry - I learned the hard way everything posted online will always be traced back to me. I hope to alleviate everyone else’s feelings with this response.