<p>LMG...send her two or more passes for a local movie theatre...maybe a gift certificate for a chain restaurant that you know she can get to easily. Tell her to invite a friend or two for lunch/dinner and a movie. She needs time to connect with other students...have those funny little inside jokes with new friends.</p>
<p>Great advice, OaksMom. I will try it! Thanks.</p>
<p>LMG we're also in Tampa but D is 1200 miles away. That first year is tough, most kids, although not all, seem to get homesick at some point the first semester. We told D that if she really needed to come home she could. Knowing that she didn't have to wait til Thanksgiving made it easier, and she didn't come home. But it was tough, a big adjustment for her and she really pushed herself to make it work. It is still hard each time, and this is her junior year. She likes being home, but she likes to challenge herself, both big and small challenges. I'd wait til the family event, I don't think three weeks is an unreasonable amount of time. Just my opinion though and each kid is different.</p>
<p>Daughter says she likes her college but really misses us, her parents and her good friends. Says she wants to come home once a month. It is expensive for her to fly home or take the train every month and I do not know if the frequent home visits will make it harder to adjust to her life at college.. ANy thoughts???</p>
<p>Take it one month at a time. It is still the beginning of the year. They adjust to their independent lives and come to think of college as their regular home and "Home-home" as the place they see their families and get spoiled a little bit. I would discourage monthly visits if it causes financial hardship, but tell your daughter she can come home every six weeks. Since a semester is only 18 weeks and Thanksgiving is already in there, that means only three visits at maximum. Maybe she just needs to think she can come home. Home-home feels very different after they live away and some parts of returning for frequent visits lose their luster as the semester wears on. Hope the homesickness heals. The worst case I saw took an entire semester and the girl is still mourning the loss of her college life since she graduated last year!</p>
<p>This is such a terrific site. First on my own son, a footnote....he came home, we had 2 great days together (well, not totally together- he spent time with friends still here at home and LOTS of time sleeping and eating) but it was nice being with him and having the energy to get some of the things he needed, helped him get together clothes he had forgotten and went through my own personal "laundry list" of things that he needed to take care of. He very willingly left, not one "I don't' want to go back" or "can I stay longer," he just very matter of factly packed up, drove to the train and we said our goodbyes. It could not have gone better. I think he needed to come home, to truly get his things that had been left behind but also to see me, and to spend some family time together; which we had not had before he left.</p>
<p>On another note to many of you experiencing similar situations, I have done a lot of reading and searching on this subject, and nearly everything I have read points to the fact that this is on par with moving for adults, one of the most stressful periods for a young adult, even if its the best thing ever....there is inevitably going to be that period of adjustment, having to make adult decisions without us there to yea or ney them, using good judgment, managing their time all on their own, forging new friendships..... A LOT is coming at them at once. I think it is important to be there and to be accessible to them at all times but to gently encourage them to matriculate and mesh within their new community, I think once that happens...it is easier for them and us to allow them to come home for visits, I think how many highly depends on the parents, the pocketbook, the distance,etc.....some kids need these visits way more than others. I think we just all need to remind ourselves that kids are remarkably resilient and the vast majority of them will figure this out for themselves and be the stronger because of it. A lot of times I think it is also our own heightened anxiety feeding with theirs that allows it to get the best of us. We just need to stay strong and be there for them, and let them know nothing has changed at home, their room will await them as will the open arms of their familles.
For me having him come home was most definitely the right decision....good luck in making yours and let us know how things turn out!</p>
<p>^^ Well said! I'm so glad your son's visit went so well! They just need to know we will be there for them when they need us.</p>
<p>Thanks for the reply, Bessie. We can afford to pay for my daughter to come home once a month, but do not know if this is in her best interest in making a life for herself at college..She wants to come home after next weekend and every month after(Eventhough I will be down for parent's visiting weekend) Says she really misses her family and friends. What do you think??? Any advice???</p>
<p>Meadesport, I really think some kids need to come home to "touch base" at the beginning, especially kids that tend to be on the quiet side. My D compared it to being suddenly dropped on an island with strangers, nothing and no one familiar around. For quiet, shy kids, this can be really stressful.
At the beginning of freshman year, my D really needed to come home once a month to "recharge her batteries" in the comfort of home. So much is new at the beginning and it can be overwhelming to some.<br>
My D told me she felt that she had to be "on" all the time, even if she was feeling a bit down, because she didn't want people to think she was boring.
She said it was doubly stressful because her dorm room wasn't really a refuge since she also wanted to make a good impression on her roommate.
The good news is that need to come home lessened as my D became more comfortable in her new surroundings, but I don't think she would have lasted if she hadn't been able to come home and relax once in a while.
Some kids really do need to make a gradual transition to living away while others jump in and never look back. You know your child best.</p>
<p>My kid wants to come home for a weekend as well and with fall break and thanksgiving in there it will amount to once a month. I was really hesitant but agreed (it'll be 5 weeks on campus when the trip home happens) - hoping I made the right choice. I feel better after reading this thread.</p>
<p>I guess once a month is o.k. She is very attached and I don't want it to be difficult for her to go back each time. Any more ideas or feedback??/</p>
<p>meadesport, if it makes her feel more comfortable and less anxious about the change and ajustment of college life.....maybe agreeing to her once a month visits will allow her to feel very at ease. My guess is within a few months, or maybe after Christmas..she will start feeling more comfortable and I would bet she may even start skipping her monthly visits or expanding the time between them. I think some kids, actually many of these kids, need to know nothing has changed on the homefront, that everything is just as it was when they left and that the family structure is unchanged. Knowing they have unconditional access to their "home base" I would think may put her mind at ease and lessen her anxieties and maybe she can start concentrating on matriculating into her new college community. Just a thought.</p>
<p>I guess what I meant to say is that by coming home (and knowing she can come home once a month if necessary) may be just the thing that proves to her that she would rather be at college with her friends. Home life after living in a dorm is B-O-R-I-N-G for many college kids. Your daughter may THINK she wants to come home, but in time, she will create her own life at school and will not want to spend time at home watching tv with the old farts (that would be you). This whole question of who needs how many visits reminds me of people who let their babies cry themselves to sleep every night for a year vs. those who rush in and pick them up at the slightest whimper: you know your own child best and probably know what is best for her. Make a decision based on (just) today, taking her needs and your comfort level into consideration. Try out a visit, you will know immediately if it is making her (and you) happier and more independent or sadder and less secure at college. Keep us posted.</p>
<p>No offense intended - but this is an entirely different generation when it comes to boys. </p>
<p>Admittedly, my friends were pretty intense athletes - as I was I. And the last thing I thought of was coming home - ever. I couldn't have anyway as our fall season was in full swing. But I was on my own - financially, emotionally, period. And this is not meant as good or bad - just a different world. Boys in particular in my community were expected to be independent when they finished high school, period. And while I love and respect my mother who raised me in a single mother home, there's no way in heck I would have come home. It was enough just trekking the 1000 miles back home over holiday break - no mean feat on my budget. </p>
<p>I know this sounds insensitive but this all seems so foreign to me.</p>
<p>Thanks Bessie and Yalemom. It is great advice Infacat, I do have twins and theother twin is a boy. My daughter has always been the one who needs to touch base a bit more and has a bit more difficulty with transition.. Just, different kids. My son never calls etc. Just embraced the entire college experience. Infact, My daughter said she ilikes the school, just misses us and her friends. Your responses that she may just want to see that her home is how she left it is probably what she wants. She is going to come home next weekend and I think just knowing she can makes her feel better. She may in fact, find it a bit boring. Thanks for all of your advice..</p>
<p>I agree with sarha. My freshman D came home last weekend (after two full weeks at school). She's only 45 minutes away, so travel wasn't an issue, but I was a little concerned that it would make it tougher to go back. That wasn't the case.</p>
<p>My D finds it very hard to meet new people, and the first weeks at school were probably stressful because she was trying so hard ("fake it 'till you make it") to fight her natural tendency. She knew she had to meet people, she did make some friends, but it must have been emotionally exhausting.</p>
<p>She came home, saw a couple of friends that hadn't left for school yet, worked at her part-time job, pet the cat, ate some home cooking. She complained a lot about what she doesn't like at school. We listened, validated her feelings, ("yes, you are in one of the worst rooms on campus. At least you know that next year will be better.") We shopped for a rug and curtains to brighten her room. She baked. </p>
<p>When we dropped her off at school Sunday evening, two friends from down the hall came running to greet her. "We missed you!" D was all smiles, showing off the new furnishings to her roommate. There was gossip to catch up on, so we helped hang the curtains and went home without any drama.</p>
<p>The visit must have helped. Where we were getting nightly calls or IM sessions the previous two weeks, it's been a full 48 hours without contact.</p>
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The son who came home last weekend told his sister that she needed to take the trash out, because he was on "guest status".
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<p>Couldn't get out othe guest status when it comes to chores! My family used to say to me "Welcome home!" when I complain about being assigned to chores... then on the other hand when I assert my space in the house, they look at me with horrified looks, "You're a GUEST here, what makes you think you're actually living here and using the cars?"</p>
<p>Fall is actually the time when kids go home quite often, at least for me. There's something every month. It's good for kids to get frequent breaks to prepare for a very long spring semester (with only one spring break). Sometimes I'd go home sooner than expected because I forget something or I need to grab something (or free laundry...). A lot of times it's just with my dog as she can't speak on the phone. :)</p>
<p>But the luster does wear off- I went home too many times for my own good in my last spring semester, largely due to a thesis topic relating to my hometown, and by March (after seeing my parents at least 3 times), I couldn't wait to stay put! Don't worry about it unless they want to come home every single weekend.</p>