<p>I want to major in music business, and finding and getting accepted to Belmont University in Nashville has been a dream come true for me. Honestly, I can't even describe how excited I was to get that big envelope. </p>
<p>The problem is, though, that I currently live with and take care of my grandparents. My grandmother has emphysema and constantly forgets to carry her inhaler with her, and my grandfather has dementia and is a hoarder (also has junk cars he drives and gets broken down, so I always have to drive him places/pick him up). My mother works full time, so I feel that it's my responsibility to take care of them. I take her to her appointments, go to the grocery store multiple times a day, get her whatever she needs, pick him up, cut the grass etc. I tried asking them to move into my mothers house, but my grandfather is too stubborn and it's really stressing me out.</p>
<p>I'm really unhappy and all of this has made me miserable. Belmont is about 9 hours away, and although they aren't happy about my major, my family's ultimately supportive of me wanting to go. I spent two years in a local community college here simply so I could take care of my grandparents. Really, this is I suppose an internal struggle: me wanting to take care of them, but also wanting to go to school. This is the only school I'd consider. I just feel so guilty abandoning them when they need me. My brother goes to Penn State and comes back every other weekend and helps, but that's so different than me being here 24/7 because she falls out of bed etc.</p>
<p>I guess I'm just asking for advice because I'm really at a low point here. I pretty much cry every night. Putting school off for a year wouldn't help either because I'd still be in the same position. If any parents could help me out, I'd really appreciate it. I just don't want to go 9 hours away and get a phone call saying something happened. I'm OCD as well, so not being there to check locks etc for them doesn't help :/ </p>
<p>I know it’s hard, but if your parents support your decision to go, then take them at their word and don’t over think it. You’ve done a lot by doing CC for two years. Unless you can find a closer college to attend you have to make peace with leaving or decide to stay home.</p>
<p>In my opinion you have been an amazing grandchild who has done more than most will ever have to do. I think it’s time to sit down with your mother and let her know that in August you will be going away to school and somebody will have to take your place as their caretaker. This is something that your mother, her siblings ( if there are any) and your grandparents will need to discuss. Please do not feel guilty, as it is now time for you to get on with your life. You stated that your mother works full time so you feel that it is your responsibility to take care of your grandparents. Did anybody ask you to do this or was it your idea? I would never ask either one of my kids to take on the job that you are describing, but that’s just me. Please go away to school and do not feel guilty. Some counseling might also help you to sort through all of this.</p>
<p>Wow, you have done an amazingly selfless thing by taking on this commitment to your grandparents. I am sure that not only has it helped your family tremendously, t has probably made you a better person. Thing is, you are young and now is the time for you to get a degree. It will be much harder once you find a life partner, get a career track job, have kids, etc. It is the time, and it sounds like you even found the place.</p>
<p>Sorry to be so bossy, but you asked…call a meeting with your brother and your parents. If one of the above stalls or legitimately can’t attend, well, do it anyway. Get a plan going.</p>
<p>Think about it this way: your grandparents need a plan, anyway. If one of them falls, gets hospitalized, etc. Even if you stayed, in time, they would need further levels of care.</p>
<p>It is not your responsibility, but your family’s (especially their next of kin, I presume your mother). Your feelings are completely understandable, and even admirable. But will you really forego a degree? Families don’t usually ask that of each other.</p>
<p>Perhaps to help your OCD-ness, you could arrange a time to call once a day just to check in - one minute/one quick phone call tops. I do that with my “seniors”. If they don’t answer the phone then I have a “deal” with the neighbors that they will walk over, check and call me back. You could set something up like this before you leave – for peace of mind if you aren’t trusting of your mom to keep an eye on your grandparents. If there are bigger issues e.g. they may endanger themselves because of failing out of bed or severe dementia, then you need to have a heart to heart talk with your mother about their welfare and then take a deep breath and head for Belmont. But basically I agree with the others that you should not feel guilty about leaving to finish up your degree.</p>
<p>The best thing you can do for your family is work on you and your future. It is time for you to go, enjoy Belmont (great program!!!) and feel no guilt. You are still a child and you have been a wonderful help, and will continue to be so, I have no doubt. But it is time for you to leave.</p>
<p>Wow-you do more than most adults! You’ve gotten some great advice, but the short answer is that it’s really your mother’s time to step up and help your grandparents transition to a different living situation. If they have the means, there are some assisted living places that can keep an eye on them while allowing them some freedom. There are also agencies that allow such people to be “home instead”. They will check on elders on up to actual care, depending on the program. To be honest, neither of them sound like they should be living alone, and your mother may have to insist that the move either in with her or into care somewhere. It’s simply unsafe, not just for your grandfather, but other drivers to have him driving. You need to make sure they all understand that.</p>
<p>But this is not your duty. You may FEEL as though it is, but it is your grandparents’ own children to have set up a care plan with/for them. You get to live your life. No matter where you live there is an elder care hotline or information center. Find out what it is and call it, ask for some help getting things in motion. Take that information and lay it out to your family, then go live you life. That doesn’t mean you can’t ever visit, but you’ve put your own life aside for however long and it’s time some other people in your family step up.</p>
<p>Good luck-keep calling and searching until you find some resources that can help. It really will be better for everyone.</p>
<p>I think you have gotten good advice here so far. If your grandparents can’t move in with your mom, maybe she can move in with them…or she can stop by to check on them. People can also be hired to check on them, take care of the lawn, etc. I know that there are many things you are doing for them throughout the day, but that situation can’t be maintained. You need to be able to do what is best for your future.<br>
What is your mother saying about the situation? What are your grandparents saying (other than not wanting to move in with your mom)?</p>
You have gone above and beyond what is expected of a grandchild.
If this is what your grandfather feels, it’s his problem and not yours any more.</p>
<p>If I may ask a question, do your grand parents or mother provide you financial support ? If they do, it may complicate things because while it’s entirely ok for you to move away, there is no guarantee that you could expect financial support from them any more.</p>
<p>Even so, I would still suggest you move out and find a way to support yourself. This situation has become unhealthy for you.</p>
<p>hey everyone, thanks for all the kind words and for the advice!</p>
<p>twogirls- my family hasn’t really asked me to take on this responsibility, but no one else is there to take care of them so it was kind of a no-brainer that it’d have to be me. </p>
<p>i realize that they’re not really able to live by themselves, and I hate that I’d leave them. I mean, I feel like if I didn’t have this responsibility, I’d be ready to branch out and move to Nashville. I feel like it’s an amazing opportunity and I know that it’s the career path that I’d like to follow. it’s just so hard to realize that if I go no one will be there for them. my mom has mentioned things that you guys have (people helping them go to appointments etc), but to be honest, they’re both quite needy and I know that they’d need more assistance than that. </p>
<p>I’m sorry, I don’t mean to complain. I’m grateful of what I have, which makes it so hard. half the time I’ve convinced myself to go, then a minute later I feel stupid for thinking I can leave.</p>
<p>Could you please answer some basic questions about your future if you attend Belmont?</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Do you/your family have the financial means to attend Belmont? (you don’t have to say whether it is covered by scholarship, need based aid, or family members) Will there be any more stress added to the family bc of your tuition and other costs at Belmont?</p></li>
<li><p>Do you trust your family members to step up in your absence and either take care of your grandparents or find appropriate care for them?</p></li>
<li><p>Do your family members support your decision to attend Belmont, or do you risk alienating your family if you leave?</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Just questions to consider. Of course, we are hearing only one side of the situation, but from what you have told us it may be that you are doing such a good job caring for your grandparents that others may not realize how much they need more assisted care. And the weight of all you are carrying on your shoulders is not what someone your age should have to bear.</p>
<p>Go…go to Belmont and soak in all that the college and the city have to offer. What a great opportunity for you. If your grandparents were able to think clearly, this is what they would want for you.</p>
<p>Well done, you have served from a heart of love and should have no regrets. It’s time to let someone else carry this burden.</p>
<p>With one grandparent with emphysema and the other with dementia, it sounds like they should be moved to an assisted living facility where they can be properly cared for. Caring for two sick elderly people is way beyond your capability and responsibility. Besides, they could linger for a decade in this fashion–do you really plan to put your life on hold indefinitely? It’s the responsibility of your mother, along with any siblings, to make arrangements to care for her parents. When it becomes clear you will no longer be around to bear the burden, she (they) will find another solution. You’ve already gone above and beyond the norm–time to embrace your future without guilt.</p>
<p>If you stay around and sacrifice your life to care for your grandparents, you make it too easy for everyone else to do nothing. It’s only by leaving to pursue your studies that other people will be pushed to make the changes that your grandparents actually need. And if you stay to be a caregiver, you lose a crucial time in your own life when you’re supposed to set goals for yourself and try to fulfill them. You won’t get that time back. Nor will you ultimately be able to save your grandparents from declining health by being there. You certainly can’t stop Grandma from falling out of bed – she can be injured just as easily with you home as away. She just needs to wear a pendant to summon help if she falls. And believe me, you will eventually come to resent your family for allowing you to make such a disproportionate sacrifice if you stay. You’ve done more than your part - you can’t do it all, and it’s OK to let others take a turn.</p>
<p>And can somebody please take away Grandpa’s car keys?</p>
<p>Go to college. You have been very generous with your time and personal sacrifices. What would your parents do if you weren’t there? They need to take ownership of this and set up caregivers/home health aids/volunteers form your church/case managers/whatever. This is their responsibility, not yours. Good luck.</p>
<p>Blaidontknow: Clearly your mother has raised a thoughtful and caring child. There are many adults who do not step up to assist their own parents in the way you have helped your grandparents. It is a testament to your character that you have done so for this long. However, it is time for your mother, and the other ADULTS involved in your grandparents lives, to put a plan in place to care for them. Given their illnesses, the amount of care/assistance your grandparents need will only continue to escalate, and eventually you will not be able to keep them safe. The time to act is now, before their conditions worsen, so choices can be thoughtfully discussed and initiated. The burden you have been allowed to carry is enormous; time to let it go and do something for yourself and your future. Your devotion to your grandparents shows that you love them, and I’m sure they love you. I cannot believe they would really want you to sacrifice your future to care for them indefinitely. Please speak with your mother ASAP.</p>
<p>Oh, and totally agree with Sseamom and CIEE83…someone needs to take the keys from Grandpa, for his sake and the safety of the other drivers and pedestrians on the road!</p>
<p>In some states a physician can contact the registry of motor vehicles and report the driver as being unable to drive. Then the registry will revoke the license or suspend it until the senior can pass a road test to get it back (or not). Check how it works in your state.
Some hospitals and rehab centers evaluate seniors to see if they are still capable of driving. Your RMV will have a list of those…
Here is a good resource -
[Family</a> Conversations with Older Drivers for Safety ? The Hartford](<a href=“http://www.thehartford.com/mature-market-excellence/family-conversations-with-older-drivers]Family”>Family Conversations With Older Drivers | The Hartford)</p>
<p>Don’t wait until he gets into an accident and kills someone!</p>