My March SAT Essay

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>So, I was not happy with my March SAT Essay score and thought I had done better than I was graded, but whatever--that can't be changed now so there's no point in being annoyed about it</p>

<p>Instead, I'd appreciate it if you guys could read my essay and tell me what you think would be an appropriate grade for it (I'm not providing the grade I was giving because it might affect your grade, but it's posted in other threads and I'll probably post it after a few replies) and give me some tips on how do better next time.
I couldn't figure out how to get the pictures as a link that would work for other people or whatev so I just typed it up. </p>

<p>ESSAY PROMPT
Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment:</p>

<p>"Organizations or groups that share a common goal often mention teamwork as their secret to success by insisting that people in the group work together for the good of the entire group. However, by requiring each individual to accept the decisions of the others in the group, organizations may discourage the expression of individual talent. Ultimately, a group is most successful when all of its members are encouraged to pursue their own goals and interests." </p>

<p>ASSIGNMENT:Are organizations or groups most successful when their members pursue individual wishes and goals? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations. </p>

<p>ESSAY:</p>

<p>It is frequently argued that requiring individuals to accept the decisions of the group may depreciate the value of expressing individual talent. Proponents of this theory believe that organizations are most successful in their endeavors if all members are given the opportunity to pursue their own interests. While this notion is enticing, it is not applicable to practical situations. Literary and historical circumstances highlight the fact that people must work together for the good of the entire group.</p>

<p>In the novel Lord of the Flies, a group of boys are left to fend for themselves on a desolate island. Jack and Ralph emerge as the leaders of the group. However, these individuals have clearly divergent personalities. Jack rules authoritatively while Ralph prefers a democratic outlook. Because of a lack of high authority, each individual is permitted to pursue his own beliefs. Consequently, the group splits up into two opposing factions, and chaos soon erupts. By illustrated the negative consequences of allowing Ralph and Jack to follow their own goals and interests, Golding thus substantiates the claim that members of a group must work together to achieve success. </p>

<p>This idea is also visible in history. Specifically, the internment of the Japanese during World War II illustrates how permitting individual factions to pursue their own interests has detrimental consequences. Instead of attempting to unite the country during a period of crisis, the Japanese were isolated from the rest of the country and discriminated against. This was a consequence of separate, smaller group within a larger one becoming opposed to each other—because one group was more powerful than the other, they could exert their power forcefully without having to compromise. The result was internment, which negatively impacted our country and created tension within our own borders. It is therefore apparent that all parts of a group must work together to be successful. </p>

<p>Both the circumstances of Lord of the Flies and Japanese internment bolster the argument that individuals must work together to succeed as a group. If individuals pursue dissimilar interests, they will not succeed in achieving their goals. </p>

<p>MY TAKE: I don't think it was exactly a great essay or something and I know its short but I'm a slow writer and idk what more I could do in 25 minutes. My grade just took me by suprise cause I had been graded better on previous practice essays with about the same quality work. The only problem I see is the second example. I realized right as I started writing it that it didn't really make sense, but there was not enough time to change it, so I just went with it and tried to twist it to make it work with my thesis. For note, there were two minor spelling errors that got corrected by autospellcheck when I typed it up (like forgetting to add an extra "s" in the middle of a word or something).</p>

<p>Thanks to everyone in advance!</p>

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<p>I liked your essay, and I would assume you got 8-10. I think your examples were strong. To tell you the truth, your introduction was a little stale (you didn't give any specific intimation of your following examples because "literary and historical"), and the very tired readers make their first impressions off the introductory paragraph, which must be dynamic and a good fit for the rest of the piece. Also, if anything could be said, a few of your sentences at times were clunky and difficult to follow. Here are some examples:</p>

<p>"It is frequently argued that requiring individuals to accept the decisions of the group may depreciate the value of expressing individual talent." Not only does this repeat the quote in the essay prompt, but also it can be expressed much more fluidly.</p>

<p>"This was a consequence of separate, smaller group within a larger one becoming opposed to each other -" A bit awkward and I had to read it over. In this sort of essay, you want forceful, well-articulated, and easy to follow sentences, with some varied sentence structure (but not convoluted) to mix it up.</p>

<p>All in all, I think it was strong. You are clearly a good writer, so try to iron out those confusing sentences. Clarity and insight.</p>

<p>Noitaraperp</p>

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<p>I would give it an 8.</p>

<p>The intro is wordy and clunky and sounds like you're trying to cram in as many "SAT-worthy" words as possible - which does NOT make for good reading, especially when SAT readers probably don't spend longer than 1-2 minutes on each essay.</p>

<p>Also, as you seem to be aware, your 2nd example doesn't make much sense in the context of the essay and your thesis. Actually, it doesn't make much sense period - you probably didn't mean it this way, but you make it sound as if it were the Japanese's fault that they were put in internment camps!</p>

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<p>Well, first, I disagree with Nolitaperp--you don't have to state what the examples will be--it's just that your intro is kind of generic, it sounds like you read Rocket Review. I don't care so much about your sentence structure as I do about your examples and whether you backed them up. I agree that the second example was just bad--I had no clue what you were talking about. I thought that the first examples was good, but I would have liked to know what led them to break apart. What caused the two factions, and what did that have to do with individual pursuit in a group?</p>

5

<p>intro: decent
1st example: decent/underdeveloped
2nd example: weak </p>

<ul>
<li>your 1st paragraph was not strong enough. you talked too much about the counter-argument to yours and gave only 1 sentence to your argument, which wasn't well supported</li>
</ul>

<p>looks like your essay was too short as well. you have a good argument but it wasn't strongly supported enough to receive a high grade. </p>

<p>8?</p>

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<p>I would give this essay a 9</p>

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<p>I think if your second example built upon your first, then your score would have been higher. If I was an SAT grader, I may think that you were trying to impress me with clunky words and juicy examples, rather than think up a good refutation and express it in a way that it builds up.</p>

8

<p>Don't listen to the guys that said 8. I doubt they have taken the test yet. They don't realize you had to write it in TWENTY FIVE minutes. anyone who would give your essay an 8 has no idea what an "8" sat essay looks like. Go to the collegeboard website or look through one of their books with real essays in it. You really did a great job considering it was for 25 minutes. I would have given it an 11 (which you apparently didnt get) but i would be SHOCKED if you got an 8. I'm hoping you didn't get lower than a 10.</p>

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<p>After reading the comments, I'm curious to find out what your score was. :)</p>

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<p>"Don't listen to the guys that said 8. I doubt they have taken the test yet. They don't realize you had to write it in TWENTY FIVE minutes. anyone who would give your essay an 8 has no idea what an "8" sat essay looks like. Go to the collegeboard website or look through one of their books with real essays in it. You really did a great job considering it was for 25 minutes. I would have given it an 11 (which you apparently didnt get) but i would be SHOCKED if you got an 8. I'm hoping you didn't get lower than a 10."</p>

<p>^^ First of all, I have taken the SAT. Second of all, a quick search of OP's previous posts reveals that she did, in fact, receive an 8. :rolleyes:</p>

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<p>I have taken the test too, and got an 11 on the essay, and have helped people get higher scores on the essay because I've read a ton of them, so I feel that I can confidently say that my comments are good. I know that he/she had 25 minutes to write the essay. I know what the 8's look like, trust me. It's not an 11, particularly because of the second body paragraph. There's no way the readers could have given the essay, stained by that paragraph, an 11. If the poster had written the paragraph with the strength of the first paragraph, it probably would have gotten a 10-11.</p>

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<p>thanks for everyone who has given me tips,
In no way did I deserve an 11, haha, but I do wish that I had given more thought to my second para as I was writing it because I think I agree that I probably wouldve gotten at around a 10 otherwise</p>

<p>well, it was my first SAT and I didn't really prepare at all, besides doing a practice essay and skimming RocketReview and PR the day before (how'd you know? =P). I'm retaking so hopefully I'll be able to come up with better examples with a diff prompt.</p>

13

<p>10 or higher
your essay is soo much better than mine and i got an 8
so definitely not an 8</p>

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<p>omg, febreze88, hahaha, I just reread that paragraph and realized that when I retyped the essay, I copied a sentence wrong! I just confirmed with the little picture thingy on CB. This sentence:
"Instead of attempting to unite the country during a period of crisis, the Japanese were isolated from the rest of the country and discriminated against."
was actually written:
"Opposers of immigration incited conflicted instead of attempting to unite the country during a period of crisis: the Japanese were isolated from the rest of the country and discriminated against." </p>

<p>lol, that was definitely a result of severe lack of sleep</p>

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<p>what can i say, if thats an 8, im shocked. seriously, i've read a lot of 8s and they were a lot worse than this one. I thought i had a grip on the scores but i guess not....</p>

<p>maybe the handwriting was bad?<br>
did you edit the grammar at all?
yeah, i don't know what to say. I still think it's an 11. I have 11s that friends got and sent me and I think it's definitely on par. but yeah, im just surprised.</p>

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<p>Haha alamode that's a bit better!</p>

<p>But seriously, good luck on your retake.</p>

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<p>dayexday.. i got a 12 on this essay and prompt and an 11 on the dec. essay. if you want to see it i'll show you it.. and anyone else if they want to see it. and i'm sorry if an 8 is harsh but i can't this essay being a 10+. 9 maybe. a lot of my friends write good essays, but they don't do well on the SAT essay so it doesn't mean your not a good essay writer.</p>

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<p>^I'm not disagreeing, haha, I don't exactly think this was a good essay...but I would like to see an 11/12.
anyway, yeah I definitely do not think that the SAT essay is at all a reflection of writing skills. good writing takes TIME above everything, and that is something that the SAT doesn't provide.<br>
nevertheless, I do want to learn how to write a good SAT essay, so I can increase my score (I got only once MC wrong)</p>

<p>btw if anyone wanted to see a sample of my ACTUAL writing you could look at the my thread on the High School Life forum entitled "Which Essay Should I Choose," or something along those lines.</p>

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<p>I have an 11 and a 12 that my friends wrote that I could send you if you want. as i said before, i thought yours was on or close enough to that level. if you give me your email i'll send them and you can form your own opinion.</p>

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<p>pretty good essay i must say</p>