<p>I love my mom. She's amazing, supportive and is always there for me. She's so proud of me and brags to all of her friends about how awesome I'm doing in college. But, she's a bit... suffocating.</p>
<p>My mom is a stay-at-home-mom. Her whole life revolved around raising her three daughters. My older sister is 22, but she ended up moving in with her boyfriend and she lives a 5 minute drive away (and there's nothing wrong with that). I am the first daughter to move away from home, and although I am 3 hours away, my mom has been taking it very hard. In a year and a half, I am planning on studying abroad in Japan for a full year. I know my mom isn't keen on the idea, but she's never argued against it because she knows it's something that I've wanted to do since I was little. Recently, I've been thinking about doing the JET program (Japan-Englinsh-Teaching) for a few years after I graduate. When I told her that, she left the restaurant to cry. Later, my sisters told me that she said I was going to live in Japan and never come back. It really hurts me to know that I've upset my mom, but it's something that I really want to do. And besides, most people end up coming back to America after a few years of teaching in Japan. Also, I've decided to drop my Music Major and look into other options. I've been playing with the idea of becoming a Japanese translator and I've done quite a bit of research in regards to that. My mom doesn't like the idea because she thinks I'd have to move farther away, which may or may not be true. The problem with her argument is that with a Music Teaching license, I may have to move across the country to find a job anyway.</p>
<p>The most recent problem is with housing. I had a nightmare of a time in the dorms this year. My roommate brought people home from raves and parties at 2am on weeknights and asked them to sleep in my bed. She was very passive-aggressive and emotionally manipulative towards me and my other roommate and said that it was because when she's depressed, she just needs to get mad. (Please note that I am not disregarding the severity of depression. I've tried referring her to the psychologists on campus and she said "no." At that point, I knew she would not change her actions and that I needed to get out). Anyway, the whole situation caused a lot of anxiety for me, so I moved out. My roommate #2 (the good one) and I decided to move into an apartment next year if she doesn't get the RA position. Well, she ended up getting the alternate position and we've decided that it would be best to live separately. I want to live alone. I've thought about it, I've weighed the pros and cons, I'm aware that I'd need to pay for rent and utilities by myself, but everyone I'm comfortable living with is unavailable. I've even found a nice, inexpensive place. My mom on the other hand demands that I find people to live with. But that's the problem. I had such a nightmare of a time with living with people that I honestly just don't want to take the chance next year. I understand her point about it splitting the rent, but with most places I've found close to campus (she wants me to live right next to campus), the split charges come to about the same price as the place I found farther away from campus. But when I try to talk to her about it she just does not want to hear it.</p>
<p>I know I'm not "quite" an adult, but I want to learn how to be one. Whenever I try to calmly talk to her about housing, she shrugs me off. I feel as if I have no say in where I am going to live or even how I'm going to live when I graduate. Sometimes I feel as if she cares more about whether I'm close to her more than if I'm enjoying what I'm doing with my life. I know she just misses me and that she's trying to hang on to her baby girl as long as possible, but this is poisonous for our relationship. I'm suffocating under her demands. I really do love her and I value her opinion and advise, but I want to find a way to talk to her about letting go of the idea that I still need to be under her wings at all times.</p>
<p>Who is paying for the housing?</p>
<p>I am paying. At least that’s my plan. I think my mom is expecting to pay, but I honestly want to do it myself.</p>
<p>If you are able to do it yourself, then it seems that pretty much ends the conversation. Why don’t you just tell her you have decided to do it and have budgeted for it and segue right into a related topic like decor?</p>
<p>I’ve tried, but she gets mad at me and tries to argue with me. Sometimes I think she uses the “but I’m going to pay for your housing no matter what you say” as leverage to telling me where to live and how to live, which is one of the reasons to why I want to pay for it myself. Plus, I need a co-signer due to the fact that I don’t have credit. I could probably ask my older sister, but my parents would be a better co-signer.</p>
<p>Could mom pay for a single for you on campus? This way you are alone in your room but can save money for Japan?</p>
<p>If you have to borrow with a cosigner, you cannot afford your apartment on your own. Don’t be foolish. You work it out with your mother and you may have to dance to her tune. Those cosigned loans are murder on both people signing for them. You will be hurting your sister having her do this. </p>
<p>It all comes down to you wanting to live off campus on your own. Had that with my son. Said no. Paid for room. He didn’t use it, for a while but then had to slink back when things went bad, as I thought they would with the off campus deal. He did end up going off campus in a better situation a year later, but the first plan was harebrained and I refused to support it. My money, my decision.</p>
<p>Your mom probably feels that you are throwing away money that could be better spent. I don’t think that is unreasonable. I understand you had a bad roommate experience, but there’s really no one you could room with? This housing issue seems unrelated to all the other things you mentioned. And if she co-signs then yes, she is financially responsible. You need to understand that it’s not just a pushy whim on her part.</p>
<p>Are you planning on using the loan that you need your mother to co-sign for you to pay your rent at this apartment?</p>
<p>Sorry to burst your bubble, but getting a loan with your mom as a co-signer does not equal paying for it yourself. She probably thinks she’s going to pay for it no matter what because you’re asking her to be financially responsible. That’s not independence, and that means that you don’t get as much say in it. Life’s tough, but if you’re not financially independent, then yes, she gets a say in what she’s paying for.</p>
<p>You’ve had one bad roommate, and I understand that that was horrible for you but you always had another good roommate. Not all roommates are horrible, so why don’t you try again? Could you get a single instead of a double/triple? Could you get a room in the dorm (or near) where your friend is an RA so you at least know someone nearby? Have you asked friends if they know of anyone who’s looking for a roommate that they could recommend to you? If you want to live off campus, you could meat your potential new roommates before you move in, and you could talk about general living habits to see if they match up with you. </p>
<p>About the Japan thing, your mom is probably just getting emotional about her baby going so far away from home. You’re the first one to float the idea, and that’s always the hardest for parents. But if you are able to do it without your parents’ help, then you’re free to do it if you want to. If (or when) the time comes, sit down with your mom and talk about it with her. Ask what her concerns are, and address them. Talk about how you can support yourself, what you plan on doing after, how you will keep in contact with your friends and family in America, etc. But I’m assuming you’re a freshman? Sophomore, maybe? This is a relatively far off prospect, so it’s good that you’re preparing your mother for it but you don’t need to go completely in depth on everything until it’s a very real possibility.</p>
<p>Moms are always concern about their child. You mom is also doing this. She is thinking that you are wasting your money. You must talk to her and told her what is your plan.</p>