My parents feel sorry for me...

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Asian HS senior here, first generation to college...</p>

<p>I always thought that my parents would be disappointed in me if I don't get into a top college. "Top college", by their standards, means one of the 7ish colleges they can name - harvard, yale, princeton, cornell, columbia, nyu, stanford- Wow that's exactly 7. They came to America 15 years ago , and don't speak English still (both worked in Chinese communities...very common among recent immigrants), and don't know much about American colleges. Well out of the list that they've heard of, I only applied to Cornell, Columbia, and NYU, and was rejected by all except for NYU. </p>

<p>The day all the decisions came out, I thought my parents would be disappointed with me for not getting into Cornell or Columbia. But the reaction I got really surprised me. Instead of disappointment, it was more like pity. They actually felt bad for me and started to console me, telling me "it's okay", which made me feel worse. They tell me "not to give up, make sure you keep up with your studies/your education". This ****es me off, because they actually think these rejections would make me drop out of school forever or something.</p>

<p>So a few days later I had decided on tufts, which was my 3rd choice after columbia and cornell anyway, so I was pretty psyched about it. I started getting more and more excited about going to tufts. But my parents have never heard of the school. A few days ago my uncle, who I barely talk to b/c he lives in California, called my dad. They talked as usual, and out of the blue, my dad hands me the phone, telling me that my uncle wants to talk to me. Now that has NEVER happened before. The uncle asks me what college I'm going to, I tell him "a college in boston", because I know he's never heard of tufts either. Then he asks me for the name, so I tell him tufts, and he said "please spell it out". So I spelled out tufts for him, and he tells me, "I'll look it up to see if it's a good school. Make sure you keep up with your education.." Great, I have to put up with distant relatives too?</p>

<p>What's worse, my parents are still trying to make me feel better, when I've already gotten over the rejections, by telling me "nyu's a good school. Everybody in New York knows NYU. Go to NYU, we'll pay." Now I know it's partly because they want me to stay at home, but I know it's also because they've never heard of schools like tufts, carnegie mellon (which I also got into). They think I'm choosing to go to a "worser" college. </p>

<p>I'm really excited about going to tufts. But my parents' pity, telling me "it's okay" and encouraging me "not to give up on my studies" when the thought of giving up has never even crossed my mind is really dampening my excitement. I do feel proud of myself for getting into schools like tufts, nyu, and carnegie mellon. My parents' lack of knowledge of how well I've done really ruins it for me.</p>

<p>The worse part is, the other day my aunt (who lives with us and is like a 3rd parent to me) ran into one of my former middle school classmate's mom. They were telling each other about us kids' college acceptances. Well the other boy got into princeton. My aunt told me, in a tone as if she did me a favor, that when the mom asked her what college I'm going to, she didn't tell her. Instead she said that "I'm still choosing, and she doesn't know what schools I got into anyway". She didn't say this, but I know her good intention was to save me the embarassment. The thing is, I'm proud to say I'm going to Tufts. I wish she could've just told the mom straight up where I'm going.</p>

<p>Sometimes it crosses my mind to just go to NYU. That way at least my parents, neighbors, and relatives will at least know the college. But that's bull****. I know I'm making the right choice by choosing where I want to be for the next 4 years of my life. I mean, I am disappointed by the results, but it doesn't help to have everyone feeling more sorry for me than I ever was for myself. When will they stop consoling my for something I've gotten over already?</p>

<p>I've always felt lucky that my parents never checked my report cards, never went to parent teacher conferences, and didn't know much about my life in school in general. But now I wish my parents aren't so clueless.</p>

<p>Wow this is long...thanks for reading if you got through the whole thing.</p>

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<p>So, you’ve decided to attend Tufts? It’s a great school, and it’s going to become even greater when it starts spending the $136million gift from an alumnus
[Well-nurtured</a> gift enriches two campuses - The Boston Globe](<a href=“http://www.boston.com/news/local/articles/2008/04/09/well_nurtured_gift_enriches_two_campuses/]Well-nurtured”>http://www.boston.com/news/local/articles/2008/04/09/well_nurtured_gift_enriches_two_campuses/)</p>

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<p>Since your family doesn’t know enough to say it to you, CONGRATULATIONS, you have excellent choices!! Your job now is just to start to teach them about Tufts. It has some excellent contacts with the Chinese community, including siting its medical, dental, and nutrition schools in Chinatown. Maybe they can find some connection there. Or elsewhere–think about what they are interested and find out how Tufts matches that interest. And especially, hold your head up when you get started in telling them about your wonderful school.</p>

<p>Again, congratulations!! You were admitted to wonderful schools.</p>

4

<p>I’m sorry. That kind of family pressure sucks. If it makes you feel better, all of us on CC enjoyed our Tufts experience!</p>

5

<p>hold out and go to Tufts
if you don’t you’ll be miserable for four years, thinking “what if?” and you’ll prob regret it your whole life</p>

<p>try to teach them more about how great of a school Tufts is</p>

6

<p>Tufts is a GREAT school…and the Boston area is possibly the best “college town”. There are so many college students around, it is unbelievable.
Congrats on Tufts!</p>

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<p>Don’t worry about it. I went to Carnegie Mellon for engineering, and I get “Oh, is that a nice small liberal arts college” all the time. It gets a little annoying, but it makes it that much more enjoyable when someone’s familiar with the school and we can usually wind up having a decent conversation about the place.</p>

<p>Also, you should buy everyone in your family memorabilia from the Tufts school store for Christmas. Get them the static-cling bumper stickers that go on the inside window of the car. Do everything you can to rub it in that you love your school despite what they may think about it.</p>

8

<p>djvu009, congratulations on all your admissions! They are all great schools and Tufts is a terrific school. There are thousands of kids who would like to be in your shoes and have the opportunity to go to Tufts. Yes, thousands. If there’s any chance you are interested in science, the $136 million gift is going towards scientific research. The Boston area is a great place to go to school, as I’m sure you know. Again, congratulations!</p>

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<p>I suppose you could show them that USNWR ranks Tufts ahead of NYU, but just don’t let them see Carnegie Mellon! You’ve got great choices. I know so many people who applied ED to Tufts and are thrilled to be there. As long as your parents are willing to let you go there, I wouldn’t worry too much about what they think. It’s a great school.</p>

10

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<p>Aah, this happened to me, and well, it didn’t work out very well. My parents were never involved in my school life – didn’t know what clubs I was in, didn’t know or care my grades until the report card arrived, have never talked to my teachers, and were overall very distant about the entire process. Then, BOOM! Senior year arrives, and suddenly it’s like they won’t stop asking me questions, keep on bothering me over everything and just acted completely opposite compared to the previous decade. We actually got into (verbal) fights (which sometimes escalated to screaming matches) because I’m so used to not telling my parents what is happening that they became insulted when I wouldn’t tell them every single minute of my day.</p>

<p>Then again, this was just my experience, and maybe your parents would have reacted differently? </p>

<p>Anyhow, seriously, congratulations on Tufts! That’s pretty amazing. One of my good friends got in, and perhaps you’ll see him there!</p>

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<p>Djvu–I was just thinking…</p>

<p>Tufts has a member of the admissions office whose job it is to attract and retain first-generation college students. My guess is that he’s heard of situations like yours before and would be prepared to help. Give admissions a call, or stop by when you start school in the fall. And check out Dan on the Tufts board here at CC for help. Your situation is not unique–there are parents who think that the English word for college is “harvard.”</p>

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<p>^^great suggestion about the First Generation liaison at Admissions. If it were me, I’d do it sooner, not later, to help lift up your parents so they launch you the way you deserve, to a fine school like this.</p>

<p>Perhaps Admissions can also help you find a pamphlet or something written in Chinese, for example, for international students, so your folks could read that, too.</p>

<p>Tufts is a wonderful school; the Boston area is college heaven. You have done extremely well here. Congratulations!!</p>

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<p>Really great schools and choices - congratulations! You need to educate your parents by telling them some of the really great things about your choices. Maybe have your GC send a letter of congratulations home, to reiterate how great these choices are. They simply don’t know better. Just remember that no caring parents screw up and make their kids unhappy on purpose. I bet you’re getting a lot of envy from kids in your hs who DO know how great this is, and that you’re getting a lot of congrats from teachers. Just keep telling your parents how happy and excited you are, and it will start to sink in. (Don’t forget to tell them how tough it is to get into these schools, so they understand what you’re talking about!) </p>

<p>Once you educate them about your choices, just watch. In a year they’ll be bragging about your school, your grades and your program. Ten years’ from now they’ll be bragging about how successful you are in life. We can’t help ourselves…but sometimes we do need our kids to explain stuff to us so we can brag properly.</p>

14

<p>I will add another CONGRATULATIONS to you. I know how great Tufts is, how difficult it is to get into, and how much you will learn while a Tufts student. Try not to worry about the lack of understanding from your family. It’s unfortunate, but it’s just a bump in the road. You have a great future ahead of you, and your family will end up very proud of you when all is said & done!</p>

15

<p>OP: Your situation is not so unusual…this is a country of immigrants, and greenhorns (what they called us in past generations; no longer a current word, but still…) have been proudly and excitedly going off to colleges their parents never heard of for many years. (Yes, I was one.)</p>

<p>Your parents are not stupid (nor is your uncle) - just ignorant. And the cure for ignorance is knowledge. Sounds like you live in NYC, which is only a 4 hour car drive or Chinatown bus ride from Boston. Bring your parents to visit Tufts with you for a day, show them why you’re excited, how great it will be, and tell your uncle all about the ways in which Tufts is superior to NYU.</p>

<p>As for the ‘living away from home’ part – would they have been OK about you going off to Cornell, Harvard or Princeton? Then you can explain why Tufts is also worth having you live away from home. </p>

<p>Good luck, and be very proud of yourself! Good job! (And thank your parents for providing with you with the wonderful opportunities you’ve already had.)</p>

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<p>djvu009: It is humiliating to have the people in your family act like what you’re doing isn’t good enough. Please try to not be angry with them, though;they just don’t have knowledge about the colleges and this is not their fault. Also, realize that they love and care about you very much. They want the best for you.</p>

<p>Sometimes, I very enthusiastically try to steer my 19 year old freshman son in a particular direction. His way of letting me know that I need to stop trying to convince him is by saying, “I do what I want to do.” </p>

<p>Do not let their actions/words keep you from doing “what YOU want to do.”</p>

17

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The above statement says it all. It discredits their opinions on your college choice. You have two options - educate them or ignore/humor them. In a short amount of time you’ll be involved in college and won’t be focusing on where you were accepted anymore. If you move away to college, you’ll be generally away from the parents’ consolation altogether.</p>

<p>I’m sorry you’re going through this but it seems we hear this same scenario over and over with Asian parents and first gen college kids. On the bright side, you were accepted to some great schools and the biggest weight on your shoulders should just be which of your great choices you’ll choose - it’ll be hard to go wrong.</p>

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<p>I wish I could give you a big mom hug, but I will say, “Congratulations!!”</p>

<p>I do understand how you feel. We have family overseas and when we were looking at some fantastic liberal arts colleges, they would say, “Oh no! He not go to university then???” and a world of explanation wouldn’t help. If it didn’t have university in the name, it must be the community college.</p>

<p>On the other hand, our American family thinks that any school that is not a division I football powerhouse is a fallback for dummies. Arrrggghhh.</p>

<p>I think what you need is a marketing scheme. Lay out some gorgeous viewbooks, show them the USNWR rankings, take them to the college for a day, and do everything you can to educate them. I also agree with contacting the college as well and asking for some help - who knows what lovely materials, letters, etc they could send you.</p>

<p>I think we all crave our parent’s approval (I still do sometimes and I’m in my 40s :slight_smile: and you will feel better if you have their blessing - esp in a culturally Asian family. Do what it takes to help them to understand.</p>

<p>I wish you the best - and I hope for you that your parents will soon understand what a great success you are!</p>

19

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You should really, really be proud of yourself by going all the process by yourself without much help from your parents. But please understand what the background your parents come from. Your parent may heard NYU only because they live in NY. Tuffs and CMU are greate school, you just need to educate your parents how great these schools are. You have very good choices. Congratulation!</p>

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<p>If you go to Tufts you will have a great college experience. You will also have a real sense of school community. I have never heard of anyone who went to Tufts and did not like it.
NYU is also a great school, but it is a city school, and because it is in New York and there is so much to do, many students go out to to the city for their social life. That results in a school community that does not always socialize on campus. At Tufts however, the students stay around for the most part. As a result the students really get to know one another and develop great friendships.</p>