OP, you will be 8 hours away in college next school year at Scripps. Please disengage yourself from this problem now.
And if your parents are really interested in hearing from us on CC, they should set up their own account and not make you do the work to find the solutions to their parental ineffectiveness.
Instead of talking to your brother on behalf of your parents, just be there for your brother but don’t tell him what to do or how to do it. He’s not you and he is well aware he is not you. Further, if you are indeed more successful, he’ll probably do anything but what you’ve done. Especially if your parents are pushing him to be like you and do your activities.
One random piece of advice - my siblings and I had some issues talking to our parents while growing up. It got worse when we were in our early 20s because they were still trying to run our lives. We couldn’t change them but we could change how we communicated and dealt with them. My brother said the book “Getting to Yes” which is on negotiation without giving in helped a lot in dealing with our parents. I’m going out on a limb and say try reading the book (or a similar one) and see if that contains any nuggets on how to deal with your parents.
Yeah sounds like your parents believe their money can buy then anything. Surprise. It can buy too much in this world but not everything.
Tips for your parents:
1- Let your brother fail. Not a spectacular, life threatening fail (like not monitoring any chronic health conditions) but facts-of-life failures- you forget your lunch, you have to miss a meal. You don’t study, you get an F on a test. That sort of fail.
2- Set up an allowance for him which does not cover his entire lifestyle. So maybe it pays for his cellphone but not gas, a pizza out with friends, etc. Explain that when one’s income doesn’t cover one’s outflow, the solution is called a job.
3-Establish house rules. These include chores (folding laundry? Cutting up a salad for the nights that the parents work late and starting dinner? washing the car once a month?) as well as ongoing responsibilities- calling grandma to see if her cold is getting better, making sure that if you use up the last of the OJ you replace it, etc.
4- Sit back and watch your brother get his act together. If he shows up late for work more than a few times he gets fired (so no more paycheck). If he doesn’t do his part of household chores, he’ll find that he no longer has clean clothes (whomever it is who runs the laundry doesn’t have to do HIS since he’s shirking his duties), can’t find his mattress underneath the blankets, etc. And his favorite things in the frig are no longer there if he’s not doing his part to replenish the supply.
Teenage boys don’t like to be hungry, excessively dirty, and broke. Will only take a few weeks for him to reframe his current, cushy lifestyle.
Well, your brother is capable of A’s but doesn’t seem interested in making them.
What does he say about why that is? Not interested in the courses–good at science but rather do art? Thinks B’s are fine and why bother to work harder (why work when parents pull strings anyway)? Just does it to irritate mom and dad?
How do his friends do in school? Does he even know their grades? I must say that once my B avg son found out his friends were getting A’s the competitive gene rose to the surface and almost overnight he started making A grades too. Positive peer pressure is more powerful than all the lectures in the world from mom and dad.
You, however, are not his peer. You’re his sister. Just be there. You don’t have to AGREE with him but you’re siblings and that’s more important. Leave the lectures to mom and dad (they’re going to do it anyway no matter what advice you get here.)
The tip is don’t force him. Let him take a year off after graduation instead of go right to college.
My son was eh in terms of motivation, but did participate in many ECs and do very well on standardized tests. College so far has been a bust for him and we are looking at the possibility of him not going back in the fall.
Please do NOT put what you do, or your parents put what they have done, on him. No one can force him to be motivated.
But, like I’ve told my son, if he doesn’t go to college right after he graduates, he doesn’t get a free pass to stay home, not work, and play video games.
If he is a B/B+ student, he is obviously doing something right. If your parents are literally bribing teachers, they are doing something wrong.
Seems like perhaps your parents need counseling. I confess I am quite an enabler, but I certainly would never ever bribe a teacher nor force my children into an EC. If he really has a video game addiction, there are ways to block computer / internet access at certain times and allow it at certain times.
Tell me OP, what would be the worst-case scenario for your brother - in your mind, in your parents’ minds, in his mind? Does he even want to go to college?
The account of your brother’s reaction to having his video games taken away is disturbing. It is one thing to complain and pout, another to cry and stop eating. Your parents shouldn’t be worried about school, they need to get him into therapy.
The irony is that your parents have probably caused as many problems as they have “solved.” They’ve created a very entitled kid who doesn’t have to work for his grades because Daddy will buy them, and they’ve raised a child who cries and sulks when his privileges are taken away because he hasn’t learned to cope with hardship.
This isn’t your problem, OP, it’s theirs. You are to be commended for turning out well in spite of your parents’ values. Love your brother and be kind to him, and you will find your way.
Your brother will have to find some kind of internal motivation even though your parents are doing their absolute best to de-motivate him.
Just leave the poor kid alone - if school isn’t for him, who are you to tell him how to live his life?
I am here shaking my head, not really able to offer anything. I do know that your parents cannot force your brother to be motivated, he can only do this himself. I will tell you a story about my best friend’s son. He sounded alot like the OP’s brother. He went away his freshman year to college and the parents thoughts everything was fine. It turns out by the end of the semester they found out that their son did not go to ANY classes. He just stayed in his room, gaming the entire time. They pulled him out of school, but of course had already paid for tuition, room, board etc. 3 years later this young adult is still “floating” out there with no clear direction. He is only a junior, so maybe his senior year will be different. However, if not, I would suggest that the student take a gap year (or 2 or 3) after graduation, living and supporting himself. He probably will change his mind when he realized how valuable an education is.
I love how some people blew this completely out of proportion and completely misinterpreted what I said. But some of you gave helpful tips, so I do thank you for that. I need to clarify a few things:
Again: this is what I mean. I really do appreciate the help some of you guys have given me, but the fact that you guys are railing me (see number 1 and 2 please) is really offensive, but I do assume that I did not make myself very clear, so I do apologize. All in all, the problem has been mostly addressed, but if you guys would like to pitch in, then go for it.
Perhaps help your brother to find his passion so that he can be self-motivated to learn. It doesn’t have to be about getting good grades in school or fulfilling the EC requirement for college. Find something that he likes to do for life, for a living, can support himself, and have some positive contribution to the society. Your parents meant well to be protective, but sometimes, letting him fail would be a better life lesson.
Why should your brother make an effort? If he fails, your dad will whip out his checkbook and fix it. If he wants to be on a team and everyone else has to interview, your dad will pick up the phone and he’s in. He doesn’t even have to endure the appearance of going through the same process as everybody else.
If your parents truly think your brother spends too much time gaming, they should unplug the games/internet when they don’t want him on them. They can encourage him to study and if he fails, let him live with whatever grade he earns. The problem with your parents is that they aren’t willing to let him live with the fruits of his labor. They want to use their money and influence to give him more than he earned. Your brother isn’t working for it because he doesn’t have to, and likely won’t unless he matures enough to want to succeed for himself.
@basedchem It sounds like you think people are picking on you. They aren’t. If anything, they are all picking on your parents. While people may have misinterpreted your statements, it wasn’t done with any ill intent. Sometimes people skim read and don’t catch every point.
There is a lot of good advice here but it is directed at your parents not at you. Your parents have to step back and let your brother suffer the consequences of his actions. They need to stop buying him better grades and using influence to make his way easier. Its the only way he will learn that he needs to change.
Unmotivated teenagers. Gosh, wish I knew the answer. Some kids find it incredibly difficult to study or do what they need to do if they find the teacher/subject matter, etc. uncompelling. And yet, if something is compelling to them, they have the ability to super focus and do quite well – these are traits common to ADD. Is is possible your brother has ADD? I was just talking to a professional about characteristics of ADD (or ADHD), and he said what we already knew and have heard before (ADD seems to run in the family),which is that people with ADD find it very difficult to muster the discipline to do what they need to do if they are unmotivated, but when they find their niche, they can be very successful in life. It doesn’t solve the problem of getting through high school, hearing that, but I think that it sometimes can be helpful for a kid to hear a professional acknowledge that the road really is harder for some kids, even though they may be brighter and more capable in some ways than the average kid. Time, support, and maturity help too. It is tough being a parent. You want your kids to learn, and one way of learning is to allow kids to figure things out for themselves. You can’t fix everything for them. Yet, you don’t want them to fail so badly that they give up hope and become lost. Hang in there. Keep trying. Be encouraging. Celebrate the successes. Step in and lend a helping hand. But not too much. Maybe get some professional evaluation – fact that test scores and grades are not a match is good enough reason to seek professional advice. And let your brother know he is loved, no matter what.
B/B+ with a 2140 SAT - unmotivated ?? Perhaps he’s just tired of being under the dictatorship of your parents. I’m sure your parents mean well but it really sounds like your brother needs some fresh air and will most likely thrive once he’s able to gain some independence (in college).
There may be cultural factors involved here that involve you. Or you may be a caring sister who is maybe worrying about things that should be on your parents’ plate. Either way, I respect your concern. But you cannot change your parents’ methods.
Trying to buy success in school is not ethical behavior. And it shows a focus on results rather than process. Do you understand what I mean? If the family focus is on “getting into a good school” everything a kid does is contaminated by that false, external motivator. It is the motivation inside that counts, and your parents’ methods might easily affect that negatively- even for you with your external successes.
I hope your brother can just learn to be himself, explore interests, and work hard at the things that genuinely interest him. I wish your parents wouldn’t even look at grades! Video games are popular with many young men, some of whom end up working in the tech field. But yes, addiction is not a good thing. It is better replaced with positives than punishments.
I know kids who caught fire in their mid-20’s. Yes even those who went to community college. It is not always the high school stars who do well in life. Perhaps your brother’s resistance to your parents is even healthy!!
For your own sake, as well as your brother’s, encourage him to be happy and honest and true to himself and things will work out. I don’t know your parents, obviously, but an attitude change seems to be in order- but not a matter for you to address.
Good luck next year and feel okay about your brother doing fine.
A lot of people here says just let him fail, so I’ll give a different perspective. While I’m not a parent, here’s some stuff I found that works.
Find out what he likes, and take it away (ie video games). He’ll be upset like you mentioned but the key is to not give in. Then make a list of incentives (ie, if you get a 2300+ and a 3.9+ gpa, could be less depending on how smart you think he is), then you give back something he likes (ie video games). If he maintains the gpa, he gets to keep it, if he doesn’t he loses it again
for extracurriculars, take away gas money, car etc.
This detail from the first post got my attention. I don’t think this is typical behavior for a junior in high school. I think he may need counseling himself, and his parents should at least consult with his pediatrician or family doctor.
I wonder if his friends/social support are through the games. I don’t see much mention of activities with kids his own age other than the group with his sister. If the parents are buying grades and using their influence to get him into clubs, maybe his classmates aren’t going out of their way to include him in anything. My son and the majority of his friends did a lot of gaming at that age because that’s how they connected. They could talk to each other as they played. I think counseling is a great suggestion.