My parents want to talk about where I'm applying. How to handle myself?

Parent Cafe
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<p>So much to reply to!</p>

<p>@everyone- I’ll be nice and listen to what my parents have to say, but it would really, really not help to come prepared with key points and arguments and lengthy explanations. I’ve really tried being ‘mature’ with them before, and it just leads to something to the effect of “if you’re so mature you’d agree with us” </p>

<p>@inparent- (post 65) I think the full submission thing is what’s going to happen here. My friend and I were talking about this the other day and how I’m basically too scared to try anything that’ll upset them somehow so yeah.</p>

<p>@lullabies- (post 67) Congrats on actually gaining independence from your parents! I hope things will get better with mine in the future…but probably not. And yes, they are muslim. Our relationship is abnormal because of a lot of things…hard to believe, but it was much, much worse than before now (mostly because I’ve basically completely stopped ‘acting out’ and realized being well behaved is the only way out). It’s abnormal because I feel bad that the only reason I seem to do the things they want anymore is for my self benefit. One threatened me with violence before, and never apologized, and the other took his side. Ahhh this is getting sad, but yeah, stuff like that.</p>

<p>@lookingforward- (post 68) </p>

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<p>Most power I’ve ever had with them is when I told them (maybe last year) that if they refuse to pay for a college away from home, I would move out and go to CC and get a job. Unheard of from girls in good, upper class, muslim families in our community. Boston will not be too far, I’m pretty sure.</p>

<p>@ecounter- Thank you for the advice!</p>

<p>@jonri (and again, everyone)- Guys, I’m not flirting with the idea of not going to college next year! Seriously, I’ll stick it out to go, I’m really not open to 1) not going to college util 24 or 2) joining the military (now that’s a way to cut ties off)</p>

<p>@acollegestudent- (post 75) Many of my friends say that as well- if they were in my position, a college degree is not worth it. I think that viewpoint is more suitable for someone with the perspective of if they were to suddenly be put in that situation- I’m wasn’t. I’ve always been like this, so I’m kind of used to it I guess.</p>

<p>@stressed- All parents control there kids by choice, so obviously my parents are being very controlling on purpose. We just disagree on everything- I literally can’t think of much we agree on rather than…nope, I seriously can’t think of anything we 100% agree on. Oh, okay- women shouldn’t get acid thrown in their face for going to school. One agreement. Corrupt governments suck, though I care more about this than them. Just a couple of examples I could scounger.
Being a girl absolutely has something to do with this! My brother is going to school across the country- sure, they were sad to see him go, but letting me go? Pfft. Though you could say this is because he’s gotten in much less ‘trouble’ than me, I think if he were a girl he would have gotten in more trouble for the things that he’d done.</p>

<p>@TempeMom- For the record, I’ve also left their religion…so that’s another problem. They may sense that I’m not too religious as I was before (I think I put up a pretty good front though. Idk).</p>

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<p>I really admire that you are so polite and calm on the boards btw.</p>

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<p>Conservative religious types may look pretty unkindly on those who leave the religion, though it depends on what religion.
[Apostasy</a> - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia](<a href=“http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apostasy]Apostasy”>Apostasy - Wikipedia)</p>

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<p>@TempeMom- Thank you, that’s so nice! I try : p</p>

<p>@ucbalumnus- I know :/</p>

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<p>Back to my suggestion about guidance counselor. </p>

<p>For the 2 kids I just marched thru the college app process, the guidance counselors require family meetings (several), both in public and private settings, and hand parents an assignment list, including 1) discuss finances with your child - be specific, and confirm how much you can contribute, and 2) this is your child’s adult life, back off and let them decide. Suggest, but do not control. </p>

<p>Both guidance counselors were pretty confrontational on both fronts, because these schools are assessed in large part on their college matriculation statistics. For example, the college counselor makes the final Naviance application list with the student, which controls where the transcripts and letters of reference are sent. Parent activity is NOT allowed on that list. </p>

<p>I suggest migraine go to her college counselor and spill out her concerns and get some help. I also suggested that if the parents refuse to go to college counseling meetings which the school and their child are requesting, there are ways to pressure them.</p>

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<p>2prepMom, that is how your kids’ school GCs handled it. I would say that some private schools and higher powered public schools with a lot of GC resources might also do that, but most do not. In most cases you can barely get the GC to do the minimum on time(recommendations, sending transcripts, etc.). So assuming the GCs normally do this things or even are willing to do them for the OP is questionable. Plus… the GC actually has minimal control over where the kid applies or whether parents go to meetings. My kids went to a private school, and I really can’t imagine how the GC could have “pressured” us to do anything we didn’t want to do. I think you are also the poster who thought this could be considered a kind of abuse, right? You are off base… you don’t know how most schools work, and have an inflated sense of what GCs can and will do in many cases. Plus… some GCs are pretty ham handed. A GC who handles this poorly could make it worse for the OP, not better. I am not saying the OP shouldn’t make use of the GC if she can… but your assumptions are not very realistic.</p>

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<p>I’m not a parent, so I can’t provide a lot of personal insight on parenting values, but I do find it unreasonable that the OP is not allowed to know her SSN. She needed/needs them for standardized tests and various applications (both in school and in the workplace), doesn’t she?</p>

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<p>You need to know your own social security number, anyway, so they should give it to you!</p>

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<p>OP any update? How did your talk with your parents go?</p>

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<p>I believe if you don’t know your SSN, you can go to any Social Security office with your ID and birth certificate and get them to issue you a new one or tell you what it is.</p>

<p>More sneakily, if you know where the family tax returns are, it’s on the first page.</p>

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<p>Things haven’t been going to well.</p>

<p>I’ve told them the schools on my list a bit back- my father said he’d look at them, but when I asked for him to send my SAT scores, he got angry and accused me of trying to do everything by myself- in his words “because I’m you’re father I still have some say in your life” (as if I’ve received all the freedom in the world already).</p>

<p>My mother is pushing online school- both she and my father think its the same as going to traditional college. They’re making me apply to two online programs because of ‘money’. When I suggested going to CC instead, if money was an issue, they said CC is for stupid people and wouldn’t be taken seriously.</p>

<p>Now I need to make a list of all the criteria that I’ve used when choosing the schools that did, and explain how each school on my list does with this criteria. My father and I got a bit into this the other day, and he told me that he knows how to read people since he does interviews at his job, and basically said that I was being untruthful in what I was saying I liked about each school (though I wasn’t being untruthful so). He says that he’s being so involved because he cares so much, but he’s really horrible at expressing this so called concern because he was talking pretty violently when he said so. Then I started crying and he told me to be an adult. The end.</p>

<p><em>sigh</em> Hopefully this will be over soon.</p>

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<p>Oh… you do have issues if they are pushing online schools… :frowning: And CC is NOT for stupid people, but it is an excellent way to start your college life if your family doesn’t have a lot of money. Although you would still have to live at home. Any luck with the women’s college idea at all? Do you have a family friend or relative who could talk some sense into them regarding the online school choice? Seems to me at this point you will be lucky to get them to allow you to attend your state university and live on campus… might be one of your better angles if they are not willing to pay. I assume that is better to you than living at home…</p>

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<p>I feel that classroom learning at any level is better than online learning.
There are some wonderful online programs that would be good supplements to classroom learning.
A community college would be a fairly affordable way to get education where you have interaction with professors and students that you wouldn’t have online.
Community colleges are also for people who can’t afford to live in a dormitory and want an affordable close college.</p>

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<p>Since your parents seem to be sensitive to what others think/say, indicate that CC is not for stupid people, but rather for people who don’t have money - students whose parents have money go to 4-year schools and stay in the dorms ( when available, if the parents really have money, parents pay for the nicer dorms.) In tha tmindset, private is better than public. And living on campus v. commuting is always seen as “due to lack of funds”. So if your parents are concerned about looking poor, this may “work” to sway them a little.
Tell them also that only students with serious problems do purely online college, ie., in the US it conveys either that the student has serious behavioral issues and can’t be left in the company of his/her peers (drugs, mental health, aggression -look at some reactions on the other thread, asking about your problems/mental state: when parents won’t let kids go to sleep away college the assumption is basically they can’t afford it or the kid has a mental problem) or that the student and his/her parents know nothing about education because purely online undergraduate degrees without a brick and mortar university + on campus classes are neither well-recognized nor equivalent to “real” classes. In fact, these universities often prey upon first generation students, families where people have little education and can’t recognize the problem, etc.
If your parents are status conscious they may not want to appear to Americans as being poor, uneducated, or saddled with a “mental health afflicted” daughter. :slight_smile:
Since you can’t mention CC, you could say it’s what your classmates, teachers, ang guidance counselor all immediately thought about and that felt bad for them but apparently that’s how Americans think.
Just saying this as points you may be able to use.
Oh, this is about for profit schools:
<a href=“http://www.sfgate.com/education/article/California-sues-3-for-profit-colleges-4885409.php[/url]”>http://www.sfgate.com/education/article/California-sues-3-for-profit-colleges-4885409.php&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>This is grim. I don’t know how to advise you. At this point, I would say that ANY school that would enable you to get out of the house would be a step in the right direction. Online schools are not the direction you want to take. It is one thing to take a course here and there, or even do a vocational, credential kind of course online. It’s another to do a BA that way.</p>

<p>In some places–like mine–CC <em>is</em> pretty much for low-achieving students, although in others it is not. In reality, it is the online option that is in greater danger of not being taken seriously. If only there were someone from your cultural community who actually knows what’s what who they would listen to…</p>

<p>I think if I won the lottery I would establish a scholarship fund for girls in your position. It is so extremely frustrating.</p>

<p>Well.</p>

<p>It appears to me that what is going on here is that your father knows full well that you want to escape. If he were capable of being rational and emotionally honest, you might be able to tell him that you love him and always will, and that you want him to be an important part of your life during the college process and afterwards, but that you want to go to a real college. You could try throwing yourself on his mercy in this fashion. If this were a TV show, it would work.</p>

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<p>What, and online school is for smart people?</p>

<p>Get through this last year of high school. Hope it gets better. If not, have a Plan B. Not sure what is realistic for you. CC, working, moving out to live with friends? Joining the military? This probably isn’t your first choice, but for generations it has been a way out for many young people.</p>

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<p>they said CC is for stupid people and wouldn’t be taken seriously. At the same time, they plead money, now? And they think online does the trick. I wonder if some of all this is them trying to spin your head as another element of control. </p>

<p>As some here and on the other thread mentioned, online works in very specific cases- when one is already allied with a U, when one needs a few supplemental courses or wants to “study” a topic of interest, when one needs an additional degree, for the ongoing requirements of the current job.</p>

<p>My husband taught a course at a legit online U (I believe it was a grad course- and located in your state or near) - and he was constantly surprised at the less intellectual level of his students and their lack of prior adequate critical education. Toward the end, he had some ardent students. But it’s catch as catch can. In this case, the profs are pulled from wherever. In fairness, the school was trying to fill a need. And was a younger program when he was associated. </p>

<p>Your drive to establish your independence is strong. Seen another way, if they win this battle, they may still lose the war. You may need to acquiesce, for the peace it brings-- in the short run. Hate to say that, but if you are determined and if you can steer yourself to a legit undergrad experience, (even if it is far from your first choice,) you could save the soaring for grad school- at which time, we hope, you would be independent.</p>

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<p>What religion are they? Theres some really good schools with religious affiliations. I doubt they would say no to lets say a Christian school, Catholic school etc.</p>

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<p>Break away. </p>

<p>I could somewhat understand other CC members advising to “fake it until you make it” if your parents were going to pay fo col lege (although I don’t necessarily agree), but in this situation and with everything else yousaid iin your other posts, there are no benefits left for you to stay in their house and get an online degree. It just gives them more time to control you and possibly start pushing more of their agenda (like the arranged marriage you mentioned).</p>

<p>It’s time to make a plan to live on your own and away from them. I am sure it’s going to be very rough, but at least they won’t be in control of you, and right now this is headed in a bad directions. It looks like they don’t plan to let you leave, even for college, so you have to be the one to do it.</p>

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<p>Go where? If there are no friends who can take her, do what? When this sort of suggestion is made, I wish the person would offer ideas. Work for min wage, part time, and live where? How?</p>