<p>*Maybe insist on family meetings with your school counselor, who exists in large part to help dysfunctional families make it through the college app process. If parents refuse, they can be accused of child neglect. *</p>
<p>No way! There are no laws regarding this. A child isn’t being “neglected” if the parents don’t help with the college app process. This is nutty.</p>
<p>The student needs to sit down with the parents and hear them out. Be mature and listen to them. don’t argue with them. Acknowledge their concerns whether they’re “out there” or not. You need them. Show them that you’re a mature person, not a rebellious child demanding her own way. </p>
<p>Rarely do students get to just make up their own app lists and expect parents to be writing the checks…sight unseen.</p>
<p>Moreover, I think that airing family disagreements in front of their “more liberal” friends would REALLY infuriate them, as would the ludicrous idea of demanding that they sit down with the GC and be lectured on what they are doing wrong.</p>
<p>Look, I’m with the OP on this one, but A) people need to feel heard, even when they are being genuinely unreasonable, and B) people do not respond well to being humiliated in front of other people.</p>
<p>The point, as has been stated above, is to get the result you want.</p>
<p>Don’t assume western adults are not familiar with anger, unfairness and wacko restrictions. We’ve been around, are aware of the expectations of many cultures. That neither means we accept that, nor that we think the solution is to run. This gal, I’ll say it again, needs to prepare herself. </p>
<p>She may not have the stats to pick the college of her choice and get the full aid she needs. If her parents haven’t provided financial info, she may not have been able to run somewhat accurate NPCs. If they are paying now for a sibling, no one can assume how that works for two in college, in that family.</p>
<p>OP, were you originally posting under another username?</p>
<p>OP,
Why don’t you send your parents a nice, mature email laying out what you are looking for in a college, stressing the academic fields/programs you are interested in and the campus environment you are seeking. Mention a couple of the schools you are interested, and explain what about each school is attractive to you. Discuss the cost of each school, and any merit awards you might qualify for. </p>
<p>Print out a copy and attach it to a copy of Fiske or some other college guide with four or five colleges that interest you marked with post its.</p>
<p>In the email/letter, ask your parents to use the guide to research schools as well, using your expressed interests as their guide. See what they come up with. Be open minded, just like you want them to be. They might actually come up with one you have overlooked!</p>
<p>Then respectfully ask them to meet with you at a set time to go over things. My guess is that your parents are not familiar with the US college system or what is out there. My second guess is that there may be financial parameters that you don’t know about. For example, one of my part time employees is from a Muslim Pakistani family. Her family makes a nice income. What she didn’t realize was how much money her family was sending to her parents’ families and extended families at home, how much they were giving to support their mosque, etc. Many families feel that financial things are not the child’s business and are shocked when the financial aid process kicks in.</p>
<p>I think the OP needs to have this conversation with her parents in the next day or two. Time for applications is moving along, and we can speculate a lot – but without knowing the specific boundaries they want to put on, no one can really give her much more advice than she has already been given. She is going to have to decide what approach she thinks will work best with them, and which one(s) she is capable of executing. I think the ones we have heard so far are:</p>
<ul>
<li>Complete submission in the short term and try to work them around to her colleges over the next few weeks by showing how they meet her parent’s restrictions.</li>
<li>Assuming a more equal negotiation from the start, with some plan to put forward the colleges that would be more appealing to them from the start and a willingness to compromise (drop a couple of colleges, live in an all girl dorm, etc) to get what she wants on a bigger scale. But still listening carefully to their thoughts and trying to find ways to accommodate them while still getting what is most important to her in the end.</li>
<li>Get outside help to talk to them/soften them up. Relatives, older sibling, family friends, guidance counselor.</li>
<li>Refuse to accept their limitations and try to make her own way financially.</li>
</ul>
<p>OP, let us know what you do and how it goes!</p>
<p>migraine try working on a list of expectations, from both sides. What exactly do they expect from you ? If they can enumerate that, and you can come to some sort of an agreement, it will go more smoothly. In return they should agree to some things too, like letting you decide where to go/what to do within the constraints of your agreement. </p>
<p>We did this with our older and the process has been relatively strees free.</p>
<p>I’m not sure if this is directed to me or not (since I made a western comment, but so did OP), but there are a lot of Western folks who do not understand or are aware of the expectations of different cultures. I’ve encountered them. The ignorance in America is still very real.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Hm I know this isn’t directed to me and I completely understand your PoV, music1990, but OP is still in high school and I think once she grows up she will realize her parents are doing this because they care… maybe a little too much. Traditional parents will want to instill their viewpoints on you and they are scared that you will lose yourself because in traditional parent’s PoV, their cultural ideologies are the right idealogies, which is probably why they want to control OP and prevent her from adopting Western idealogies.</p>
<p>music1990, I know that you care because you don’t agree with parents who use finances to control their kids – and yes it is an unfortunate thing that happens too often – but it’s probably the only way the parent’s know how to control their kids (not saying it is the right way, or the only way, but the only way a lot of parents know how and is easiest). How else are they going to force their kids to listen, by beating them?</p>
<p>And I’m saying this because I can relate completely to OP. Let me say this: I am in my early 20’s and my mom STILL SAYS I CAN’T WEAR TANKTOPS! But the relationship with my mom has gotten monumentally better since I have became financially independent because my mom realizes she can no longer control what I wear, where I go, what I do, and who I am with because I could cut ties with her since I could afford to … if I wanted to. And from what I see, very traditional families (is she Muslim? I didn’t see a post that said it but it seems a lot of people are mentioning it, maybe gotten from OP’s other thread lol) value family A LOTTTTT and would not want to risk that kind break. </p>
<p>However, OP can’t do much until she gets her SSN. Once she does, she can go the independent route (if she chooses so), or find a job so she can save up to be financially independent and then make decisions for herself. Until then, I think she needs to be quiet (as in do not voice her opinions or disagree with her parents in a loud manner) and calm. I find that even the most unreasonable people will cooperate if you cooperate and negotiate calmly. I am curious on how OP’s talk with parents will go.</p>
<p>And to depend on full-ride scholarships, IMO, is a very bad idea. Many things can go wrong and you could lose your scholarships or financial aid. What if you have a medical emergency? What if your GPA drops for whatever reason? </p>
<p>To OP: Just curious, but how is your parent’s relationship to you unusual? I see this as a very common issue with very traditional/overprotective families, even in Western society. Also, how is your parent’s relationship with your older sibling?</p>
<p>Not just you, lullabies. This comes up all the time- that many do not understand. But I think most parents on this thread do. </p>
<p>For me, the deal is to understand what is reasonable (or wise) versus what I’d call demanding and perhaps some form of entitlement speaking. While she IS dependent, there are constraints. Realities. OP needs to speak with them. Sorry for this, but in advising kids about college, my reaction is often, “it’s not all about you.” Ie, what you want, what you think should be provided for you, whether (at 17) you think everything lines up as you want. </p>
<p>We routinely advise CC kids to get a grip on reality. Maybe some here feel this is different because her parents are very “old world.” But she has very limited options not simply because of her parents’ values. Her own reactions and responses matter, if she wants to move forward. </p>
<p>My parents are SIGNIFICANTLY less traditional than the OPs (and of a different, more liberal religion too) and they would get very upset if an outsider came in and told them they were doing something wrong. </p>
<p>Talk to them soon, have a list compiled of kids from similar families and where they went, stress the academic merits of the places you want to go, the fact that they’ve an ‘all woman atmosphere’ (I don’t think you’re out to them, no?), the fact that you can get from Boston to your hometown in ONLY X hours, the fact that they’re highly respected, you can get a <em>scholarship</em> etc. etc.</p>
<p>Disagree with them in the most pleasing way possible - “I acknowledge your points etc etc”. Try to make them see the benefits or at least lack of problems for them this will cause. </p>
<p>Don’t ever verbalize or even indicate your anger. You need them right now. You can remove them from your lives forever when you grow up. </p>
<p>If it helps, think of this as a necessity, as something you <em>have</em> to do, like a major test. Focus on being stoic and cool. You need to use them and the only person who will suffer from displays of anger is you. </p>
<p>Definitely let them talk first. </p>
<p>I’m sorry this is your situation. I occasionally have tensions with my parents but it’s nowhere on this level. It is truly awful.</p>
<p>I think it is wrong to put these kinds of restrictions in general, but ultimately my opinion is irrelevant. All we can do is make it through this time strive to be better in our lives.</p>
<p>I don’t think this is what most posters are suggesting. But it is certainly true that hearing from friends or relatives about other students who have gone to colleges a bit further away, stayed safe, and done well academically could help her parents ease into the idea of loosening the reins a bit. Just hearing stories of how it worked for their families can help open the minds a bit of parents’ like the OP’s. No one is saying they should bully their way in and tell her parents what to do. But hearing their stories and experiences can sure help. I also think a meeting with a HS GC is pretty routine in the college search process – if the OP talked to the GC ahead of time about her concerns, but also let the GC know that her parents aren’t too keen on some aspects of the GC’s approach, most GCs can still ease the parents a bit further down the road on the college search.</p>
<p>No, but it can easily be interpreted that way. And I think traditional types can very easily disregard the advice of others outside their fold on the grounds that ‘they don’t understand our culture and values’.</p>
<p>If it’s a typical thing at the high school to meet with the GC (not at the ones I have attended, and one was very wealthy), that’s one thing. But a special meeting is probably going to be more offensive. </p>
<p>And based on my own experiences observing my friends, the GCs and psychologists and admin team may “think” they are being tactful, when they are really not. They thought a friend of mine was an illegal immigrant (perhaps she did not communicate herself well either) once and needless to say, her parents were very offended.</p>
<p>I am American. I live in NYC. My offspring went to a high school at which 75% of the kids were born abroad or had at least one parent who was. I know adults who had arranged marriages and my offspring had friends whose parents expected that they would enter into arranged marriages. (Although these days it does usually mean that the parents introduce them to suitable candidates. The “kids” can say no. )</p>
<p>Additionally, I have known Orthodox Jews who would only let their daughters go to Stern College. (See [Yeshiva</a> University provides the highest quality Jewish and secular education of any Jewish university in the world. Our commitment to Torah Umadda means striving for excellence in all academic and Jewish learning.](<a href=“http://www.yu.edu/stern/]Yeshiva”>Stern College for Women | Yeshiva University) if you aren’t familiar with it.) The more liberal among them allowed Barnard if the girls lived in the all female dorm and came home for weekends. </p>
<p>If it’s not clear, I believe every word the OP said. However, her situation is not the least bit unusual. Indeed, there have been other threads on this site from people in similar situations.</p>
<p>Now, if the OP is 18 and determined to be independent, I would suggest she join the military. That’s one of the few things you can do which will make you independent for FAFSA purposes before the age of 24. </p>
<p>My own parents were a bit controlling in some ways and, yes, the only way to be completely independent is to move out and support herself. But usually even doing that is insufficient to make you independent for FAFSA undergraduate purposes before age 24. </p>
<p>I know the Serenity Prayer is a Christian one, but I think it’s valid for everyone. Part of it is about having the wisdom to realize when you can’t change something and accepting it. If the OP’s parents are going to restrict her choices, she has to accept that fact UNLESS she is willing to join the military. Refusing to accept it is just going to result in a whole lot of unproductive frustration. </p>
<p>Again, I suggest that the OP put aside her anger at her parents as much as she possibly can and listen to their proposals as calmly as possible, without arguing with them or expressing any anger. Let them get through their entire agenda WITHOUT interrupting them. Do NOT send them the email in advance someone else suggested. LISTEN FIRST.</p>
<p>Jonri is right. First listen. Then consider. Finally speak.</p>
<p>It may be possible that the parents have criteria that, while not ideal, may be tolerable. Migraine won’t know that until she listens and assesses. She also has to have a feeling of what the outer limit to what her parents will tolerate and then refrain from trying to push beyond that point. Even applying for college is expensive, and financial aid applications all require parental information. She is going to have to acccept that she can’t have complete freedom.</p>
<p>"Don’t ever verbalize or even indicate your anger. You need them right now. You can remove them from your lives forever when you grow up. </p>
<p>If it helps, think of this as a necessity, as something you <em>have</em> to do, like a major test. Focus on being stoic and cool. You need to use them and the only person who will suffer from displays of anger is you. "</p>
<p>^^^ Something about it just strikes me the wrong way. I think honesty is important. I think standing up for your rights (by which I just mean calmly pointing out, if asked, that you will not move back home, that you want to have a career, that you don’t want an arranged marriage, rather than lying about it) is important. In my very personal opinion, those things are more important than a college degree. I don’t know what I would do or how hard my life would be if I found myself in OP’s position in high school. However, if I were in the OP’s position now, even without a college degree, I would choose being independent. That’s just me. I don’t see college as a be all end all. I think having the freedom to live your life without serious restrictions (we are not talking curfew here or even just going to school close to home) is much more valuable than career opportunities. I also would consider joining the military.</p>
<p>Again, I am not advocating it’s the right way - it’s a very personal and difficult choice, but that’s what I personally value.</p>
<p>^^ I think as individuals, everybody has the right to learn or to education, but being able to go to college is a privilege denied to many. </p>
<p>IMO, OP can take the road of ‘standing up for herself’ and potentially receive a huge backlash from parents (maybe they refuse to pay college and never let her leave home) or take the calm and collected approach and stay level-headed, go to college (it seems older sib is out of the house for college?), and be patient. </p>
<p>I see working hard now, being patient, then having fun later as a more logical approach to this situation rather than declaring her independence now and having it potentially backlash or put her life in a really bad situation. </p>
<p>As I’ve said before, your ideology of declaring independence, being ‘your own person’, standing up for yourself, and the “this is my life” belief is an extremely Western/American ideal. I don’t disagree with you or think it is wrong. I am just saying, I can tell her parents would not like that idea one bit and it would probably affect her negatively.</p>
<p>And that is why it is important to get older relatives, maybe her sibling, or family friends from the same culture to lend a hand. It is like trying to get my husband or boss to do something – it is AMAZING how often they come around after a few days or weeks to an idea when they hear about it from more than one source, especially someone they trust. In fact, sometimes they start acting like it was their idea all along. I have planted lots of seeds with others and asked them to just mention them to help me out.</p>
<p>"IMO, OP can take the road of ‘standing up for herself’ and potentially receive a huge backlash from parents (maybe they refuse to pay college and never let her leave home)</p>
<p>They would have no right to not let her leave home after she is 18 - yes, she would be on her own and would either have to find a job or join the military or the like. Either are very difficult paths. To me personally, however, being forced to conform to someone else’s values is more of a difficult path. That’s not true for everyone.</p>
<p>“As I’ve said before, your ideology of declaring independence, being ‘your own person’, standing up for yourself, and the “this is my life” belief is an extremely Western/American ideal.”</p>
<p>Probably. As I mentioned, I am not originally from here, so I have experienced different ideals (although nowhere near to the degree that the OP is talking about), not to mention that I have had friends from very different cultures - Chinese, Indian, African American with one parent native Nigerian, Algerian, etc., so it’s not like I have absolutely no experience with anything other than these ideals. The reason I love living in this country is BECAUSE of these ideals, ESPECIALLY as a woman. I think they are precious and more valuable than even a college education. That’s my opinion. Others may disagree.</p>
<p>One final thought. And this is purely idealistic, not practical. I would have trouble taking money or being in the debt of someone who, in return, expected me to comform to their values that I didn’t believe in.</p>
OP, if I may ask, how do you know why your parents do what they do? It’s easy to see what they do. But why people do things is a different matter. What makes you think that they’re intentionally trying to be controlling?
Other posters are also bringing up how you’re expected to conform to values. Again, what are you expected to conform to? Are they planning to force you to marry or something of the like?</p>
<p>Also, everyone is mentioning how OP’s parents seem to be (kind of? maybe?) OK with OP going far from home, since OP’s brother has gone, other female relatives have gone off to college, etc, etc. But just because these are traditional parents doesn’t mean that they’re completely alien. If I had to guess, leaving home is probably something very significant to them (which would differentiate them from liberal parents), but, from the looks of it, it has nothing to do with being male or female (like with most parents on CC). It probably has to do more with the individual child. So it’s probably not guaranteed that OP’s parents will make her stay, since her being a girl has nothing to do with it. But it’s not guaranteed that OP’s parents will let her leave either.</p>
<p>As a final note, many on here seem to be satisfied with OP’s explanation of her parents being very conservative and religious when she says that her parents are too controlling. I am not. I’m not saying that it’s not possible. Of course it is. But I also think it’s possible that it’s not the whole story. This could (not saying it is) be a case of normal teenage frustration, normal teen-not-getting-why-her-parents-don’t-trust-her with a some overprotective parents on the side. Because so many teenagers feel the way she does. Her parents are just more traditional, which could be an easy way to set herself up as the victim in front of others. But it might be wise to reassess the situation. OP, are you absolutely certain that your parents have no reasons to not trust you? Their expectations for you might vary compared to liberal parents, but (at least from your previous thread) it seems that they think that you’re willing to directly lie to them (note that hiding something and staying quiet about it is not the same as a direct lie). I think that’s the crux of the issue here. Regardless of how different their expectations of you are, every parent is going to be concerned if they think that their child tells them “I will/won’t X” and then the child does the opposite. Perhaps the parents are being unreasonable, but it doesn’t hurt to reassess the situation from different POVs and that might be helpful for the OP.</p>
<p>Stressedouttt…Did you read her other thread? </p>
<p>I’m very anti snowflake and kids crying about how their parents just don’t understand their dream…but I’d venture a guess this is more what she says it is and less teenage angst. Although there is SOME angst as OP needs to understand even us liberal parents want to have a say because we too care about health and safety and expenses…</p>
<p>The OP didn’t give us explicit facts but if you imagine (as I do) she is a gay female muslim who’s parents are Pakastani immigrants and who hold to old-country religious and family traditions including strict attention to how much skin is shown, interaction with inappropriate people, who do not allow the intenet, who absolutely do not and cannot understand LGBTQ and who are worried their daughter is ALREADY being corrupted against their better judgment and who think that shipping their daughter out of the country or an arranged marriage for her own good is not unfathomable…well…that is my read at least and although the country may be wrong I bet it’s close. </p>
<p>STILL, STILL I think she needs to be reasonable and listen to their points and try to reach a place where she gets what she needs and they are comfortable…</p>