I was friends with him before I moved in. I forgot to mention that in my original post.
Treating him as a problem to fix is not positive. Being positive would be inviting him places only when you want to, to be nice, but trusting that he’ll find his place at college.
I’m still meeting new people as a senior. His life isn’t over because he spent the first weekend in his room, and it’s really not doing him any favors to take responsibility for how social he is or isn’t.
Re: post 16,
My first roommate also reported to Housing that I was “having trouble sleeping” – I guess because I sleep-talk and occasionally -walk when under stress? They called me in for a chat. It was horribly embarrassing and did not make me feel better about anything.
Good job @sta3535 . You’re a good guy. Don’t let the negativity bother you. Anyone that thinks that caring about your roommate is a negative thing is the one with the problem, not you. Caring and being kind is not a character flaw.
If you were friends with him before, how did you not already know “what he’s like as a person”?
This isn’t your responsibility. The usual roommate behavior would be to ask if he is going to dinner, and go over with him. Otherwise live your life and he’ll live his. If he needs help, he’ll either get it or he won’t. He has parents. There is an RA. It’s not on your shoulders.
I was with you until you wrote “this also shows my dedication to helping people.” You totally lost me there and I agree with bodangles. I think this “help” is related to ego, or an effort to control someone else’s choice according to an agenda you live your life by. Sorry. You are also just a kid. But please examine your motives. Does this make you feel like a good person? Is that what this is really about?
Go to an al-anon meeting and learn about detachment, or get some counseling about how to approach this without making it into a mission that eats up your energy.
A few points that I have to make:
- We didn't hang out all summer. I only visited his house once because we live about 45 minutes to an hour away. My mother is a teacher and she taught his brothers. We hit it off with our sports interests whenever our family visited him.
- This isn't eating up my energy at all. I plan on dealing with this in a way that will help him, but I won't force him into any situations that he isn't comfortable with. I'm not controlling his life, I'm actually giving him suggestions and hopefully he'll get better overtime.
- I do struggle with letting some things go, but I view it as if I don't let certain things go, then I view that as a weakness because you didn't fix a past problem when you had the chance to do so. But, I'm getting better with it. From now on, if I have a problem, then I'm fixing it right away. I'm not waiting for a long period of time just to bring it up again.
Honestly, maybe some of my word choices in my original post might’ve sounded like that. But, ever since my earlier school days before college, I always had some issues with getting my point across and being misinterpreted by others.
The people you meet the first week of school may no longer be your friends by end of the semester. There is no rule that if you don’t make friends the first week that you will not have friends. It is not your job to manage his social life. He has the right to take his own time and explore what all his options are on campus. Everyone has a different personality and he is still trying to figure things out. The first few weeks can be a big adjustment for some students. They are now sharing rooms, bathrooms, eating meals out three times a day. It is a complete lifestyle change. He is probably seeing things that he is not used to. Also not everyone is into the party scene.
First semester it is all about transitioning to school, getting used to a new routine, and getting familiar with the campus. Over time he will find his own friends with similar likes and interests that he has. He is just trying to figure out his routine and schedule and manage the academic expectations of his classes. The friends keep changing as you get more involved with school and clubs and meet new people. My daughter is now a senior and she doesn’t really hang out with the students she met freshman year. As she started taking classes in her major she got to know more of her classmates and now as a senior she pretty much knows everyone in her classes. They work on group projects together and have had several classes together. She has also made friends she met in activities she has joined. She is on the more quiet side and not into the drinking and partying crowd but over time she was able to find her own group where she fit in. That doesn’t mean that she has social issues it is just that she is not into that scene.
Give him space to do things according to his own timeline. Unless there is a serious problem like his not attending his classes or seems to be struggling I would let it go. Offer him an opportunity to join you if you are attending something fun that you think he would enjoy but let him decide what he is comfortable with. If you feel he is spending too much time alone mention it to the RA or encourage him to attend the activities fair to find fun things he will enjoy.
Some people are outgoing and some people are introverted or like their alone time to relax. He could be a bit self conscious. I don’t think this person has social issues and it is wrong to give him that label when he hasn’t done anything wrong or hurt anybody. He just has a different personality than you. @Bodangles I believe is a senior in college and has been very helpful to students on this forum so I have full respect and appreciation for her opinions. Stop treating him like he is a problem to fix. That comes off as condescending and I personally would be offended if someone thought of me in that way. People have learning disorders or medical issues and that is ok. Don’t make him feel like he is different. For some people it takes time. Give him to at least mid semester to adjust and find his own ground. You seem to be expecting him to jump right in and be very social and not everyone has that type of personality. Some students don’t feel comfortable till spring of their freshman year. I know many students that were unhappy their first semester of college but finally got comfortable by end of freshman year.
The roommate sounds like my kid. He may have Asperger’s Syndrome, a type of high-functioning autism. Google the term and see if it sounds similar to your friend’s behavior. If so, he is not likely to just “get over it” and he’s not “shy”. Be kind and friendly. Include him in things that interest him. Ask for his parents’ phone numbers and give yours to him for emergencies. I bet your roommate knows he is “different” already, if he does have AS. He may benefit from support by the campus disabilities office, such as help with scheduling his day and requesting extra time to take exams. You can refer him to on campus offices. Reach out to his parents. Treat him as you want to be treated. You don’t have to be a martyr to be helpful.
Thinking about it now, I probably did go overboard with this. Even though that it’s nice to help someone out in need, they need some time to develop by themselves.
It’s like every time I try to be helpful or nice in some situations, it never works out or people give me a bad rap about it. I do care about him, but I don’t want him to be this way by the end of the semester. People should be happy that I actually care. I’m a nice guy, but I do speak out if something bothers me, like some of your comments.
So, we’ll just have to wait and see. I might give updates, but it’ll all depend on if he improves or not. He actually had some improvement today, but even though that it was minimal, it was still good for him.
Your intentions are good, but you’re looking at it through your own lens. What does he need to improve upon? Being more like you? We’re all different. Introverts and loners aren’t necessarily lonely, being alone isn’t necessarily unhealthy, and socializing more won’t necessarily make them happier.
I think we need to get away from the notion that something is wrong or less healthy about being introverted, and I say this as someone that virtually everyone would describe as very social, outgoing and extroverted, but I’ve never been a lonely person who feels a need to be with or do things with others to be happy and content. I have no problem eating alone, traveling alone, going to a museum alone, etc. I see people who always need to be with or do things with others as possibly having some insecurities about what people will think if they’re seen doing things alone.
I do enjoy being around throngs of people at times including large parties/crowds, music concerts, festivals, etc. The people watching is great and I normally meet people easily wherever I go, but if I feel obligated to interact with others and be the life of the party, I find it draining and usually need time alone to recoup. That’s why I sometimes prefer to do some things alone and go places where I don’t know many people (or anyone), and I can just blend in with the crowd without any expectations, talking with who I want, if and when I want, or not at all. And because I am perceived as being very outgoing, I find it irritating when others assume there must be something wrong when I just want to be left alone.
Read that over and really think about it. I think there’s a message there for you.
I believe you care. And you’re trying to help the guy out. But what you’re doing might not be the best plan of action. Kids do incredibly dumb things at parties. Alcohol and sexual consent are two huge ones that could get a person with a learning disorder in very serious trouble if things go terribly wrong. If you don’t want to babysit the whole time and make sure he gets home ok…it’s best not to push him into that environment.
My advice would be to ask a counselor about your concerns and see if there are safe groups and clubs he might be welcomed by. Maybe a gamers club, or a group that does more straight laced stuff…board games, movies, volunteerism. I know this sounds like social death…but for this guy, it might be the right fit. He might meet people who would be kinder and look out for his welfare more. He might find folks in his same position to form solid relationships with.
Also…respect that some people are not social butterflies. Some people like to be alone. Some people need more time to do homework. Some people are home bodies.
Showing love/friendship and compassion for a fellow human being is never a wasted effort, even if other people don’t give you approval for it or your effort doesn’t completely fix whatever the need or problem was. Keep on showing compassion for others. You will reap what you sow. Someday you may find out the huge impact you made on someone by doing something very trivial, in your eyes, to help them.
my daughter had a roommate like that Freshman year…she tried inviting her places a couple of time but the roommates social issues were starting to cause her issues so she stopped doing that.
I would suggest inviting him when you go to the dining hall or if you want to go to some event on campus.
If you think he is deteriorating talk to your RA.
But keep in mind you may be an extrovert and crave company, and he may get his “batteries” recharged by being alone if he is an introvert.
All you can do is let him know that if he needs anything he shouldn’t hesitate to ask you. If you are worried about something just mention it to him. Give him a few weeks to adjust to his new surroundings.
In one of your other threads you said you had a thread about partying and drinking that was somehow inappropriate and was removed by the mods. You seem overly concerned that freshman find friends right away and seem to think that partying – and drinking – are the route they need to take to do that. That worries me.
I think you need to step back. Live your own life and let other students find their own way. You’re not a counselor, so you’re not qualified to determine whether or not your roommate has social issues or decide if his learning disorder is the cause of any behavior you notice, and you shouldn’t be setting goals for him or be monitoring his “progress.”
It disturbs me that you presented him as a stranger in your first post when, in reality, your families know each other. It also concerns me that you believe your attempts to change him show your “dedication” to helping people, and that anyone who disagrees with you about it isn’t a nice person. Other people’s lives aren’t projects for your resume. I think you might benefit from seeing a counselor to explore your need to involve yourself in other people’s lives like that. Mention the pattern you spoke about upthread – that you do things to try to help others and people invariably take it the wrong way. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to help people, but there are limits and I think you need help learning where those boundaries are.
Basically, you want a medal for caring about a family friend. That’s not real compassion or generosity.
If you really, truly just want to be nice, you can invite him places with you sometimes. That’s all. Tracking his social progress is not your responsibility. Hovering over him until he makes friends is not your responsibility. Be there for him as SUPPORT, not a driving force.
And a word to the wise: if you pressure people who don’t party/drink to party/drink, they’re going to think you’re obnoxious. I’m of age and still don’t really care to drink, yet someone I know keeps begging me to go to bars. It’s freaking annoying. To you it might look like encouraging the poor, shy introvert to go have some fun for once. To me it looks like constantly badgering me to do something I have no interest in doing.
I do think that have some boundary issues with this. But, since you brought up some more points in your post(s), I have to clear up some more information:
- I'm not the type of guy to stay in on Friday and Saturday nights. Unless if I'm sick, the weather is bad, or if there's absolutely no parties going on that night, (they could also be private or invite only). Now, my roommate said that he wouldn't mind going to one, but I won't force him to go at all if he doesn't feel like going to one. Also, we won't drink any alcohol or beer at all, we have Gatorade or Powerade because other people bring them as well, so we can fit in without drinking underage.
- I think that there are multiple ways to meet new people while in college, partying or not. Parties are just more fun for me in my opinion. I understand that they aren't for everyone, but sometimes a roommate might feel left out because their other roommate is always out partying on the weekend. This is when they might start to venture out of their comfort zone to avoid feeling left out.
You like to go to parties on the weekends and are not the type to linger in your dorm. That seems to work well for you but you can’t impose your beliefs on others. He has a right to have his own college experience on his own terms. When he wants to attend one he will let you know. Leave it at that.
It is ok to look out for him to make sure he is safe since you are family friends but don’t hover over him.
Update:
He seemed to have found a new friend. He’s also been playing Xbox in the lounge area of our dorm while other people hang out in that area (it was actually his idea to play in the lounge because the TV has a bigger flat screen). I say that he’s exceeded my expectations and I expect things to get better for him later on in the school year.
On an extra note, he was never a project for me to work on. I just wanted to see how he would adjust to the new settings around him, with a few “pointers” along the way. Finally, I want apologize one last time for any harsh comments towards certain users on this discussion. I only said it out of frustration earlier in this discussion, but now we can turn over a new leaf on the new discussions.
You shouldn’t have expectations for the social adjustment of your roommate. Maybe you should spend less time focusing on your roommate, people on your hall, and partying and more time trying to bring your GPA up from a 2.6.