My Roommate Has Social Issues

Student Lounge College Life
1

Now, I don’t mean to sound rude, but his learning disorder may lead to some problems in college, not much academically, but more socially. He told me that he had a learning disorder, so I didn’t assume anything.

Whenever I first moved in on Sunday, (he moved in on Friday because he’s a freshman), he told me that he stayed in his room all weekend just eating snacks that he brought from home instead of going to the dining hall. I noticed that he stays in his room most of the time playing on his phone, tablet, laptop, or my Xbox that I brought up to school. He only leaves the dorm whenever he has class or goes for lunch/dinner. But, I don’t have a problem with him using my Xbox because I play with him as well.

I asked him to go to a party with me sometime and he said that he wouldn’t mind going to one, but I fear that his lack of social skills may lead to some problems at the party. I also don’t want to deny him if he wants to go out because it would be a mean gesture from me. Even if we went together, then he would follow me because he wouldn’t know what to do. This is understandable from his situation, but I shouldn’t be going through a game plan before, during, and even after the party. Most people get it right away before they go to their first party without being told a full plan on what it’s like, but it might take a few parties before he gets it down pat.

Now, I understand that I can do other things with him besides partying, but I have my own school work to focus on, so he needs to try some things on his own. I’ll not always be there for him.

Also, I even introduced him to some my friends from last year, but he still had trouble connecting with them.

Even though it’s only the first week of school, this gave me a possible insight of what he’s like as a person. Maybe things will change, maybe not. I will see if I can fix this situation to the best of my ability, but I’d like some advice from you.

2

It’s really sweet that you care. He’s not your responsibility, but your caring says a lot about you. Is he going to class and seem to be studying? If so, then he is doing the primary thing that he’s there for. Maybe invite him to the dining hall once in a while? Encourage him to join a club? Try taking him to that party? Just talk and ask how he is. At the end of the day, you can’t make him be what he isn’t, but if he’s an okay guy to live with, and you kindly try to include him once in a while, that’s all you can do.

3

Your parents raised your right given that you even care, have thought about this and have taken the time to post here. All you can do is invite him now and again and see how it goes. He may not want to socialize or he may be fine just tagging along. Sometimes we all have that quirky friend who is just “that way” and we live with it and so do they. Honestly, if you are kind to him in the room, you are begin a good roommate.

4

You appear to be a kind and caring person. I agree that all you could do right now is invite him out and see how it goes. You can’t change who he is… and that’s ok. He is lucky to have you as a roommate.

5

Thank you. As a parent who has a child who fit that description, but opted not to go away to college, I appreciate your kindness. If you take him to a party, maybe make it a smaller one with a defined start and end time, rather than a large, unstructured party. Is there a gamer’s club at school? Maybe you can invite him to go with you once or twice and if it’s not your thing, let him continue on his own. He might be a kid who is slow to adjust or he might be a kid who is more comfortable in his own skin.and alone. I didn’t go away to college, but I imagine that I would have been the girl who sat home at night reading and listening to the radio.

My S17 is in a 4 bedroom suite; there are 6 boys total as two have singles. One of the boys in a single doesn’t interact with the others, just stays in his room all day playing video games, etc. He does do laundry as S17 saw him there. After 2 weeks of reaching out to him, my son and the other 4 have agreed to just report sightings to each other and to notify the RA if none of them see or hear him for 2 days. Like you, it troubles my son that he hasn’t been able to engage with this boy, although at least your roommate was willing to share a room.

Good luck and I hope you enjoy your time at college and accomplish what you desire. Your parents should be proud.

6

Learning disorders don’t cause the behavior you’re describing. They’re separate issues. He may just need time to adjust being away from home on his own for the first time. You’ve only been there a week, and that isn’t much time.

I disagree that most people understand right away, before attending their first college party even, what to expect when they get there. Once he’s been to a couple he’ll probably relax. It would be good for both of you if he developed some other friendships though. It will help him if he learns to focus outside himself, like you’re doing. When my son went to college I told him to keep an eye out for kids sitting alone in the dining hall or hanging back from the rest of the group at events and to make an effort to speak to them. You might suggest that to him.

Does your college host groups or activities that are specifically for freshmen? Encourage him to attend them. You may want to go to a couple campus wide activities with him and talk to people you don’t know. It’s very nice of you to introduce him to your friends but it’s better for both of you if he meets people who aren’t already in your social circle.

Could you plan a small party in your room for next month and agree to each invite one person you haven’t had over yet? There are plenty of kids on campus who are away from home for the first time, and returning students who haven’t found a group of friends yet. Reaching out to them will help all of you.

7

If I were the roommate and read this post, I would find it really condescending. He’s not a project or a problem to be “fixed.”

8

The best thing you can do is to refer him to student counseling/psychological services. They will have time and resources to help him. You can still be supportive but not trying to “fix” things because you don’t really know how.

9

like @techmom99 pointed out-- there’s an RA for your floor or dorm. I appreciate that you are concerned- but you should also know that you don’t have to be the only solution… let the RA know-just a simple “you know kid doesn’t seem to be making many connections on campus-- maybe you could check in with him and see if he needs some recommendations to help him find his place on campus” – and let RA take it from there.

10

I think that @bodangles is being a little harsh on the OP, who is just a kid himself. It might be that if the roommate read the post, he might not even relate it to himself. The kid wants to try to help a freshman who lives with him to adjust to college. Maybe his use of the word “fix” is a little off putting but the sentiment is genuine. I wouldn’t directly suggest the kid see counseling, as @yucca10 suggested, because then the kid might draw the conclusion that his roommate does think there’s something wrong with him. However, I do think that if the situation continues and the roommate seems unhappy, I would approach the RA about bringing up the counseling center because @yucca10’s idea is a sound one overall.

11

Having been that person who stayed in her room all the time, I would not appreciate someone treating me like a pet project, while simultaneously planning their escape from said project (“I have my own school work to focus on, so he needs to try some things on his own. I’ll not always be there for him”).

12

First of all, I think it is great that you are showing concern for your roommate. However, since he is not you, you cannot apply your standards or expectations for social interaction on him. I think bringing him to a party might well be too much, too soon.

I might approach it as follows: See if he would be OK with you bringing one or two of your friends back to the room for some Xbox. That might allow him to ease into the social scene in smaller doses.

As others have said, he is not your problem to solve. But being inclusive instead of ignoring him altogether might be the best approach.

13

Give him time to adjust a bit… continue to invite him and to encourage him to do stuff. But I agree that – while he “is not your problem to solve” – you’re being a terrific roommate, and just a kind guy.

Odds are, in time, your roommate will come out of his shell - and his room! - in part thanks to you. (And if he doesn’t, you know you did your best.)

As a person who sort of believes in karma – you’ll get this kindness back, in some unexpected way.

14

I expected mixed reactions from this. For those people who called me nice and kind, I thank you for the compliment. For those of you who disagreed with my topic, let me ask you this:

What would happen if I didn’t do anything about this and didn’t care?

I understand that he’s not a project for me to “work on”, but I just wanted him to be more social. IMO, it’s not healthy to be lonely or anti-social while in college.

Overall, I’m just trying to be helpful and if some of you think that it’s not my job to do that, then that really shows what type of a person you are. I’m trying my best to help out my roommate. This also shows my dedication towards helping people.

15

He’ll live his life?? Plenty of people go on to have fulfilling college experiences despite not having friends during the first week.

Insulting the people who respond to your post is a very strange choice to make.

The kind of person I am is the kind of person your roommate is – someone who doesn’t make friends easily and spends a lot of time alone. When I was a freshman who didn’t know anyone, I didn’t want to be pitied or condescended to…or written off as a hopeless case after only a week at college! I’m speaking from personal experience about how your post sounded to me. If that makes you think I’m a bad person, I don’t know what to tell you.

16

Invite him, but don’t worry if he doesn’t become the life of the party. He may have a perfectly fine time just observing. I like the idea of inviting (or having him invite) a few people over to play the xbox.

No one wants to live with someone who never leaves the room but don’t worry if he doesn’t change much. Do your own thing. He may be living vicariously through your social life and be happy with hearing about a party or club meeting you’ve been to.

17

I would let the RA know that you suspect he’s having some issues adapting. He or she may want to keep an eye on things, to lend a hand if it’s needed.

18

Sorry can’t delete comment. Disregard.

19

Bodangles - It just gets me frustrated at times when people find negative stuff out of almost everything. Why can’t we just stay positive about this situation?

I understand that it’s only been a week, but most likely after a week, you can tell what a person’s personality is like. He has the rest of college to make friends, but most people meet friends within the first few days or at least a week into school via ice breakers in class or during other events. Even then, some people might take longer than that, but if you wait too long, then IMO, it becomes harder to join a group because everyone has already made friends. It’s still possible to join a group during the middle or end of the school year, but it’s easier to make friends during the beginning of the year.

Overall, I’m sorry that I offended you, but this situation is all new to me. I plan on trying to do what I can to help him out, but I’ll also let him do some stuff on his own.

20

Keep in mind that you did not come in as friends and you are not obligated to do anything more than be respectful and courteous to him when you are in the room. I think you are being very kind to try to help him out – do what you feel you can do comfortably.