My son left for college this fall but came back like a different person

<p>every son or daughter has different boundaries and levels of independence and our two sons are nothing alike. Son number one never looked back after leaving home and he provides us with one good phone call a week where he is willing to be informative and polite. But it is obvious that he has moved on to relying on others for advice and support in many respects. This did not surprise us and we sensed this would be his path. He was a strong willed teen who we sometime butted heads with, however we demanded respect as the bottom line and he is respectful of elders and continues to thank the elders in the family formally for each gift etc and to find time to stay in touch. I remember being 23 and in the work force in the big wide world. One really needs mentors that are same age and same generation to get through this difficult decade.</p>

<p>son number 2 was more of a warm hearth personality, affectionate and never required any discipline or tough love. He was less eager to get away and launch a new separate life and we have been a bit surprised that he too only calls once a week and he has embraced his new separate life more than we might have predicted. This son never ever “talked back” or acted rudely to us as a teen. I am surprised to see him at Christmas behaving a bit like a 15 year old with me…rolling his eyes, being exasperated with the elders, and occasionally being just a bit sarcastic and caustic~! ha. Shocking.</p>

<p>I believe second son was very tied in with his parents and never rebelled at all. Now that he is 19 it has just occurred to him that we are sometimes dull and misinformed. </p>

<p>I see this as delayed separation work. I do still demand manners and respect from our sons but at some level, I realize that son number 2 must also forge out in the world and start finding same age peers to rely on in life for advice and support. His breaking away seems a bit late but not all that abnormal for a child who basically got on well with his parents when other teens were annoying and rebelling</p>

<p>Anyway, I agree with you, Original Poster,…you should trust yourself in the manner in which you raised your son. And like most of us, you can always come here on CC where your opinion can be appreciated and validated (by us!) when your son has also moved on to the important work of finding his peer group family in life.</p>

<p>I often tell my son number two that finding this group of friends who will follow you in internships, first jobs, first loves, first break ups, weddings, baptisms and funerals is one of the great side beneifits of college life. As much as I hate fading a bit out of center state in my children’s lives, I greatly want them to have an expanded circle of loved ones in life and remember how much such college friendships helped me all along the way. Life being tougher than college. </p>

<p>Make sure to find occasions to praise your son for his “excellent taste in friends” when you get to meet his new mates. Believe me, these new friends he is just beginning to acquire are worth their weight in gold over time although they are all rank strangers now.</p>

<p>Make sure to state out loud that “spending time with your friends is important of course” when it comes down to sharing days and weeks with family and new friends…it is an important task in life. I think college kids whose parents make them feel guilty for separating will elicit more of negative rejecting behaviors. I recall a friend whose parents sobbed every week when she called home and were openly jealous if she wanted to take a holiday with 20 year olds instead of with them. </p>

<p>Yeah…I feel at sea without daily access to my kids but I trust that I will find my way forward… Good luck…I bet your son settles this all out as he gets on his feet in a new chapter of his life and no longer has to make a point of “separating” from you with any drama</p>

HI Faline2 . You know what ? Thanks to you l’ll sleep better tonight . my son is 19 and is going through this change now and its very delayed ! very similar to your son number 2 :(( Thank you–thank you–thank you for writing . Ive been a wreck .!!My son was always like a minny adult -sharp,fun,agreeable, charming,and adult likeable AND not into his peers that much at all … kind of a loner into his drawing and then whamooooo !! C H A N G E into someone else after one year away at college …so late . 19 years old !!!i guess hes called a "late bloomer ". Thank you for nailing it !! im relieved . hes normal . just late . super late . :-S

Hi, loose, welcome to cc! Aww, sorry you are going through this with your son, but yes, totally common and normal. It’s actually developmental for them and what they SHOULD be doing now, as long as they don’t get too rude. It helps them to break away from us and transition from the adoring 8 year olds who thought we could magically solve anything into independent adults. But it is so hard to go through and helpful to have support.
This is really common and easy to happen, we’ve all done it, but this is an old thread, so you might not get any other responses. There are other similar threads though. One is titled something like “Why didn’t anyone ever tell me?” or something close to that. It deals with similar issues, kids not communicating, etc…

Please use old threads only for research (people will be posting to the OP who is long gone). If you would like to start your own thread please do so.