<p>Being in New York can be overwhelming, but for someone with an interest in pursuing an education and career in the arts it is one of THE places to be. Is there any chance that you could go up to visit her (just you, not the whole family) for a weekend and see what the texture of her life is really like? That might not make her as homesick as the visit home did and it might give you a better sense of whether this is something that really does need to be addressed right away or whether it might get better in a few weeks as she makes friends and get used to the idea that she is in the city longer-term than in past visits.</p>
<p>I understand that she might just be going through an adjustment period, or she might have realized this is not the right place for her. She may just legitmately not like the environment.</p>
<p>I think the thing is, if you’re really homesick, what you want to hear is that you can come home. The more you hear,“You should stay.” the more homesick you feel, and it just feeds on itself. It’s a gamble, but I think if you tell her she can come home, then, if it’s truly homesickness, she’ll likely relax, and the anxiety will ease. If it’s not just homesickness, if the place really doesn’t suit her, then she’s coming home anyway. </p>
<p>Sometimes when my kids want to quit something, I throw the ball in their lap. I make my case, but then I tell them it’s really their decision. Often they choose to stick with it once they feel in control of it. She probably feels stuck right now, trapped somewhere she doesn’t want to be. If she no longer feels she’s stuck, she might remember what she liked about it in the first place.</p>
<p>Lindab -
you have gotten some great feedback. Who knows how this will turn out for your daughter?
Rest assured you are not the first parent to have been dumped on! Maybe she will transfer, maybe she won’t but I <em>think</em> she owes it to herself to give it a shot.
Like you said - she picked the school, did her homework here and she needs to take ownership of that.
She sounds an awful lot like my youngest was last year (4th child). My d picked her school (not one I would have picked!) and was miserable her whole first semester. I did tell her I would help her transfer and we did our homework there - like your daughter did. She had some chronic health problems in high school (think migraines in your stomach) that began to resurface mostly due to stress. My <em>rule</em> was always to make clear that the needed to finish the year. I really felt like I was going to cave - fortunately she wasn’t crazy about her transfer opportunities.
She went back in January - and it was like night and day. Different kid.<br>
I knew she had bonded with her school when she posted her picture on facebook wearing her school’s sweatshirt!
I would agree to not make yourself so readily available. Put your phone on silent and get back to her at YOUR convenience. I think there is a good chance she will come around, if she doesn’t she will at least have had the experience of facing her problems and solving them herself. It’s all about growing up.</p>
<p>If possible - I second the advice of going for a visit!</p>
<p>Been lurking, but had to jump in here.</p>
<p>Helenback, I think that’s a gamble the OP isn’t ready to take. I never make a promise or a threat I’m not prepared to carry out, and I’m not sure OP would be willing to let her come home. But I do get what you’re saying and have taken that tack, but only when I could live with the result.</p>
<p>Does she know you’re on her Facebook? If so, have you asked about her various social activities if she’s so miserable?</p>
<p>I think a visit to see her is in order. Would help her feel connected to you but keeps her in NYC.</p>
<p>I love the idea of a visit. But, then, I love the idea of a visit to NYC, anyway. Always fun.</p>
<p>I love what simple rules says and completely agree. Sometimes with D I just have to say, “Am I supposed to be reacting to what you are telling me or are you just talking to me…Do you want advice? Or do you just want me to listen?” </p>
<p>I think the mold thing and the migraines are a whole other story and if it were my kid, which it is not, I’d call about that. Migraines are horrendous and the emotional wear and tear of recovering from that kind of pain would make ME want to go to my mother’s house for the weekend. If only for the chicken soup and sleep.</p>
<p>Good luck to you guys.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Can we just charter a flight and all go see her? And maybe sneak in a performance of Jude Law’s Hamlet?</p>
<p>It sounds like you’re dealing with two completely separate issues: homesickness and health issues. </p>
<p>As far as the homesick issue, so many freshman go through that difficult time where they miss home and call frequently to cry and complain. My D went throught that experience. I tried to talk to her as an adult and explain the ramifications to her academic career if she made a jump quickly and as a matter of practicality, she seemed to understand. At the same time, I really tried hard to be supportive and listen to her, but often found that I was upset about whatever was bothering her longer than she was. If you are able to visit her, that would probably help. I found that first semester freshman year it was great to see D about every six weeks. It made the transition easier and gave her something to look forward to. I also sent her care packages and included little stories about our cat and other things to make her laugh. She made it through and fell in love with the school. </p>
<p>On the other hand several of D’s friends at other schools did make the decision to transfer. I was proud of those students for realizing that they were in the wrong place and making a decision to protect themselves. If your D can academically understand that this experience will be helpful to her in the long run, then she should stick it out until the end of the year. If you sense she’s crumbling, you may need to closely evaluate her emotional state. Best of luck to you. It’s hard to be far away and help your sad D.</p>
<p>As far as the migranes - they could be the source of her discontent, but at the very least present a health problem that needs to be evaluated. If it’s mold or some other condition, both of you need to work together to get it taken care of. I would do whatever I could to be supportive of her and help her try to resolve this issue.</p>
<p>I texted with my D a lot and acted as her cheerleader to get her through tough times, and she seemed to appreciate that. Thanksgiving is a time where most kids seem to have adjusted, so she may have a different perspecitve by then. Best of luck to you and your D.</p>
<p>The first month or so of school I texted my mom a lot, some good things but a lot of bad. (“I am in the best place I could possibly be academically and I am on cloud nine, but I am so freaking lonely and hate all my floormates and my roommate is going to drive me into therapy and I am constantly sick and the food sucks and I am starving and it keeps raining and it’s cold and…”) I didn’t have anyone else to talk to yet and wasn’t used to having to deal with ALL of my feelings internally, and having gone through a big change I had a LOT of feelings to sort through. Even as a major introvert I was struggling with having nobody to say any of my thoughts to. Now it’s slowed down and I pretty much just tell her how things are if she asks or if I am overwhelmed and really need to vent. If my mom had cut me off from being able to vent before I was ready or before I had a support network here I would have been an emotional wreck. I am the kind of person that sometimes just needs to have my feelings acknowledged, I guess. I definitely agree that you can’t let it go too far, but for my family that meant that my mom didn’t get all invested and upset in my every complaint-- because frankly, I wasn’t upset or invested in my every complaint, either. Once I got it off my chest I felt all better. She listened without reacting such that she convinced me my misery was valid. </p>
<p>Her situation sounds worse than mine in that I at least really like my school and my environment. If it were me I think it would be important to get that transfer app to the other school in ASAP and know that the acceptance there is on the line if I let my misery get the best of me at Parsons. Because my major concern with forcing her to stay is if she will maintain grades if her heart isn’t in it, even if it is all in her head, and that just may not be worth it.</p>
<p>Thanks for posting twisted. I’ve noticed you have wise posts for someone your age. And, yes, that is what I’ve been noticing about my D. I feel as if she is just calling to talk because she’s comfortable “working it through” with me, which makes sense. I mean, nobody is going to be as interested in the minutia of your life the way your mother is. ;)</p>
<p>I think I would allow my kid to come home and go to community college. However, I would arrange a medical leave at Parson’s in case she changes her mind. Then she hasn’t lost anything.</p>
<p>If she doesn’t miss the photography and the city, then she won’t go back. If she does, then she will. If she doesn’t go back, she might discover that photography isn’t as important to her as she thought.</p>
<p>I think that’s fine. And she’ll always have the satisfaction of knowing she “made it” and her work “made it.”</p>
<p>I think these kids are semi-adults and should be allowed to make their own decisions, with us having their backs (like arranging a semester leave.)</p>
<p>Lindab,
Many years ago a doctor advised me that waking up with a headache was often caused by poor hydration. Tell your daughter to drink water and see if that doesn’t help that problem. It helped me.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>If this is really the concern, there are any number of 4-year state schools which accept applications for spring transfer (deadlines likely approaching, though). Possibly spend a semester/quarter there, then reapply elsewhere for fall.</p>
<p>I can certainly appreciate covering all your bases and ensuring that she’s always enrolled in some 4-year degree program, but you also have to cover your bases for the worst case scenario (that it’s not standard unhappiness and won’t be gone in a month)</p>
<p>As a migraine sufferer, some thoughts:
- It is very hard to tell what is a migraine and what is a sinus headache caused by too much heat, too little moisture or being dehydrated, all of which are easily fixable.
- Migraines often become more frequent and stronger with stress, which she feels
- She might need a prescription migraine medecine, rather than OTC</p>
<p>Are you sure there is not an issue with roomates; a boyfriend back home, etc? Some kids will not talk to their parents about such issues.</p>
<p>Good luck</p>
<p>Just to catch up on this thread:
My D kept calling, saying how homesick she was (3,000 miles away). She did all the right things: met with a counselor, made friends, talked to her orientation leader, joined 3 EC’s, etc. Still, the happy calls were interspersed with the crying calls, so much so that I was at my wit’s end. She didn’t want to transfer, but just couldn’t fully adjust. Finally, it came down to our saying that she could make a quick trip home next weekend, if SHE was willing to pay for the flight out of her own savings. (Note, we are already paying for her to fly home at Thanksgiving, and Christmas!). We figured that would settle it, since she’s very cautious with her own money. She still decided to book a trip, and will arrive here Thursday night, leaving Sunday. She’s even booked on flights with stop-overs, and will basically be travelling for about 18 hours all told!
So, since she’s made the plane reservations, she’s much happier, has bonded even more with her new friends, and is generally more committed to staying at her school. I think what happened is this: she needed to feel like she <em>could</em> come home if she wanted to. The issue seems to be more about feeling in control of her destiny, of her choice to be at her school, rather than feeling stuck there, like she has no choice but to go there. It just came down to wanting to feel like she could come home if she really, really wanted to. She acknowledges that too: she almost feels like she doesn’t need to come home, now that she knows she can.
Let’s hope it really does help her move forward into her new life with more of a sense of ownership for her choice.</p>
<p>Sending you positive thoughts that things will work out! Best of luck.</p>
<p>Good luck to you and your D. </p>
<p>My D seems to be doing great this (sophomore) year, but I am moved to tears when I think about her not letting me know how much she was trying to handle her suffering without me, her first semester. I think its important to let kids know that you want them to be independent, but it is also possible to overdo this message.</p>
<p>Same thing happened to our son. His freshman year, right about now, he wanted out. Change of major. He transferred for for the spring at another school. Went back to school in fall THEN> transferred back to school 1 in the spring of last year.
If you can visit, I would. Midterms will be coming soon and they will be busy- which will help. Good luck- I feel for you!</p>
<p>Thank you for the replies.
Since last time I posted, I emailed her roommate and told her my concern. Roommate said my dd is definitely homesick but she thinks she will adjust.
My aunt went into the city and she toook d out to lunch. Aunt knew nothing about d’s troubles.I received an email from Aunt who said how wonderful it is that d is adjusting so well. D mentioned nothing to her about being unhappy.
D has had a nice weekend with her friends. Her facebook page is full of pictures and comments about the activites she is doing. She looks wonderful in the pictures.
She is happy wtith her darkroom projects and is proud enough of the photos to post them online.
Migraines stopped.</p>
<p>D still tells me, he rdad and siblings she is so unhappy and wants to come home after the semseter. </p>
<p>I am considering going up just for a night or two in the next few weeks. because of her schedule, she has 10 days off at Thanksgiving. Not sure what she can do for 10 days at home. Dh and I are not happy about it - too much time at home. But then again, maybe she will realize that home is not what she may have built it up to be.</p>
<p>My hopes are with you. Have most of her friends gone away to school? You may need to remind her that, although they will be there for Thanksgiving, they will not be around the rest of the school year. </p>
<p>I bet many of them will be envious of her life in NYC.</p>
<p>She may have put on a front for her aunt.</p>
<p>I hope she likes the beauty of NYC at Christmas–the tree at Rockefeller Center, etc</p>
<p>If you do come to NY, you may wish to take your daughter out for lunch or dinner. After reading your post I immediately thought of a perfect, serene restaurant for you to take her and have a long chat, and you can walk there from Parsons. CC rules forbid my naming it in the open forum but I believe I can pass the name on in a private message. Let me know. And, no, sadly, its not mine but it is where I take out-of-town guests for whom I care alot.</p>