Need advice please from parents of college boys.

Parents Forum
21

I have two boys. They are not big communicators. I have resorted to “send me a sign of life” or texting a picture of the family pet.

The blocking of the phone number and the overspending are worrisome and unacceptable. You guys have to have a sit down about that. However, you have to be aware that he is a big boy and is going to want some space and privacy. You guys have to hash out how much that will be.

My husband goes insane when the boys won’t call him back, I think too much so. Heck, they are busy: in class, at work, with friends. He shouldn’t expect instant access. And kids are bigger texters than callers. He has had to get used to texting them and saying “hey, I need to talk to you about x; can you call me back?” Then they will call.

With both kids, when they first went away we agreed that we the parents would call once a week. We reserved the right to text and email more often. We told the kids that they could certainly initiate communication more often if they needed something (money). We promised to stay away for the first four weeks, but agreed on a date when we would come visit.

It all worked well when we laid the rules out at the start. However, there is forgetting on both sides after the first semester. H starts calling all the time and expecting to talk. Boys go away for the summer and forget to text at all for a week. I had to tell one son in a foreign country where no one knew him and no one would miss him that he needed to answer me when I texted or I would think he was dead.

22

Okay. I agree that you should be concerned, but I would first try texting. I agree with @1or2Musicians .

My college daughter only uses email for business communication or things with attachments, and we only talk on the phone 1 or 2 times per month. However, we text 3 or 4 times per day on a typical day. The text does not embarrass her in front of friends like a call would. I learned to communicate in her preferred way, and now there is excellent communication.

If you are lucky, maybe you just need to change the communication method. It sounds like it may not be that easy, but it is worth a try.

23

My thoughts for what it’s worth.

I think the satisfaction of “showing him who’s boss” and proving to him that it’s your money will be short and fleeting. It’s not as if he doesn’t know it.

I would limit his money but not cut him off completely. I would leave his phone alone.

I wouldn’t go to parents weekend and also stop the barrage of emails and calls. He’s asking for space, granted in a really immature way, but I would give him the benefit of the doubt and give it to him. Keep an eye on the account so that you know where he is and that there’s regular activity, so you know he’s not holed up in his room or anything.

I think you have to faith in the relationship you know you have. He’s going to miss you. If you allow him some sense of control, and let him make the move, I think he’ll figure that out sooner than later. Keep reminding yourself that if he doesn’t need you, that means you’ve done your job right.

24

“Is there a parent visit weekend coming up? If so, I think i’d drive up there.”

There is a parent weekend, he doesn’t want my husband ( his dad) or myself to come.
( married once, parents to both kids, still married…).
My son said he is trying to be independent.

My husband is hurt, but not at the level I am…
He has a full time job, I don’t work.
So this is my full time occupation or was being a mom.

I am setting his weekly amount to $30 a day, $210 a week and that is for going out, clothes, haircut, etc.

I am also thinking about paying for A’s. I never did this in high school He just wanted to get the good grades.
But, I feel like he needs more incentive now. And maybe with limited cash, he will need the money.

I am also in the process of writing a long letter to him telling him how hurt I am,
and if he doesn’t want to see me, then that street might go both ways.

But, I decided to jump on here first as maybe that is too strong of a letter???

“He BLOCKED you? If I was paying for the phone, I’d turn it off.”

I can’t do that.

Before long, this thread will get derailed with all sorts of tangents – Where’s the spouse? Did you do too much/overshelter him growing up?

So spouse is here. He works full time. Upset, but busy with 12 hour job.

And yes, I did too much, and I guess sheltered him.

“but for me, the main thing is his totally entitled attitude. He blocks you on the phone that, I assume, you are paying for?”

yes, he is spoiled and entitled. But, now what… I can only rein him in with the limited money.
And hope that eventually he wants more, and reaches out.

“Let a couple of months pass. It will be difficult to wait that long. Again controlling the account will get him to pick up the phone.”

Ok… different perspective. But, I appreciate a man’s perspective.

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"I think you should stipulate that he calls once per week - maybe Sundays (setting aside time to have a real conversation not just a “hi and bye”). His allowance and cell phone payment by you is stipulated on this requirement.

That’s a good idea too. I was going to update his weekly allowance once a week on Monday to force him to budget for the week and weekend.

“So, what did the $400 in the first week of school go to? Are the charges for stuff for his dorm room, books, etc? Or is it cash withdrawals that might be going to stuff he shouldn’t be buying?”

I bought everything for his dorm room, spent all summer with lists to get everything.
Even desk supplies, paper, notebooks, etc…

It wasn’t books. He was honest. It was going out. Beer money.

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“his personality and character have changed 180 degrees in the last few weeks”

I feel more like and - this is odd to say - that he just took and now he doesn’t need me.

He seems to have a social life that he didn’t have before.

And all the time chatting with me isn’t needed anymore.
Or, I don’t know, maybe I am just over reacting.

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“Sounds like he’s drinking and feels guilty, so he’s not calling you. He might also be under pressure to purchase party items for possible RUSH activities and may be embarrassed that Mama is calling to yell at him.”

YES. 100% AGREE WITH YOU.

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"I’m going to be truthful from parent to parent.

If you’ve been hounding him, expecting the same communication as in high school, where you sat weekly with him to complete his assignments, that aint gonna happen now that he’s away from the nest. Twelve emails in 14 days?"

I emailed him as he doesn’t respond.
But, try to remember… we spoke constantly in high school. Even during the day, he was texting me.

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"I expect that your son is not doing well academically because his study habits are not intrinsically-based, and you are not there to push him (extrinsically) to do his work every Saturday.

Most parents don’t sit weekly to help their sons/daughters to complete high school assignments. Speaking as a former staff member at a high school, and as a parent, most students tend to overachieve by doing too much and skimping on sleep. They want to get into their colleges, so they are very self-motivated to do their own work."

He worked on the weekend as he had an activities all week long. He was motivated to get into college.
I am worried because now he is in college and I don’t think he is as motivated.
And also, I think he wants to socialize and party now more.

That’s why I am thinking of doing the pay for A’s. in addition to weekly allowance.

25

I would leave the phone-- if you want him to call, then make it easy to do so.

Does his sister see him on Facebook or other social media? Is she concerned about what she sees?

I would have a real problem providing $400 party dollars a week to someone who blocked my calls.

But I do have to ask: it’s only been 2 weeks. How many phone calls and emails have there been?

26

It sounds like you were closer than most mothers and sons, that he led a very straight and narrow teen life (most boys are not at home studying with their moms on Saturday night), and that he is probably just overdosing on his first taste of freedom and asserting his independence from you.

Still he should not be blocking you, spending all your money, or banning you from visiting. Maybe you could get him to agree to call you every Sunday and let him be (after getting a handle on his spending).

You are not alone. My D (HS senior) just got a phone call from her friend’s Dad because his D (college freshman) won’t contact him at all. He wanted to make sure she’s OK.

27

By the way, thank you everyone.

28

The diminished communication is definitely common among sons and uncommon for daughters. Are you certain the charges were partying related and not other more reasonable ones. Is he on a meal plan? It is only a couple of weeks. I bet he settles down. I’d tread lightly and not be overly punitive. He may simply be trying to adjust to the big changes he is experiencing.

29

$400 on beer money. That’s a lot of beer. If its just beer, he has to be buying for a lot of other people, not just himself. He might be buying drugs, too.

“I am setting his weekly amount to $30 a day, $210 a week and that is for going out, clothes, haircut, etc.”

That is a HUGE budget by most people’s standards. Assuming on the meal plan and taking a full load of courses, he shouldn’t need that much money to go out, as he shouldn’t have that much time to go out.

“I am also thinking about paying for A’s.”

I’d recommend not doing this. He should be striving because he wants to do well not for $$.

30

Okay, thank you for giving us more information. We probably don’t have to worry about mental illness or someone taking advantage of him.

If you aren’t worried about the above issues, and you think this is about partying and trying to distance himself… there really isn’t much you are going to be able to do except make yourself miserable worrying while it plays itself out. It might be worthwhile to propose to pay for As. It probably won’t hurt. It is possible he won’t make it beyond this semester. I hate to be so negative.

My further advice is for you to try your very best to let it go. Find something fun to do for yourself. You have very little control over the next few months. You might as well rest up and be prepared if he crashes and burns.

Sorry to be so negative. I sincerely hope I’m wrong. But I don’t think you have the ability to impact what is going to happen. jmho.

more hugs

I know several people who partied their way right out of college first year, but went on to get themselves together later and have very successful lives. They just needed to grow up a bit more.

31

$210 a week is a lot of money if his room & board are paid for, as well as his supplies, including books. If he’s partying, I’d be concerned with giving him that much money a week. My sons never spent more than that in a month, and they went out to an occasional cheap dinner, hair cuts, etc. And both were/are in cities…Boston and providence.

32

Do not pay for A’s, it sets up a really bad precedent! You can’t bribe your kid; the ante will keep going up. He’s got you tied around his finger. Why would you want to do that to yourself???

Besides, you are already paying for A’s. That “little” thing called tuition, that’s his A payment-if he fails, that’s on him, not you. You can’t fix it; if you try, get ready for YEARS of blame in the future!!

He’s an adult and you are still treating him as a child. It goes both ways-he has to act like an adult. You can’t live through your son, expect a call once a month. So, use texts to communicate. He’ll contact you when he needs to.

If you want something to do, collect your team Moms from high school (10 minimum) and make care packages.
Each parent brings a priority mail box with 10 of the same items (Mom 1 brings 10 hair gels, Mom 2 brings 10 beef jerky, Mom 3-10 deodorants, Mom 4-10 large snickers bars, etc).

Then you put your box out with your care package note.

Each parent goes around the table, putting in 1 item from each parent.

The kids end up with 10 different items from the teammates moms.

It’s pretty cool! They always call when they get the box. They post the boxes on their pages and check on their HS friends.

Join the Parents Association, you will become really familiar with the calendar, more so than your kid. Lots of opportunities!

Don’t expect him to share his grades in the first year; they don’t.

Don’t have a hissy fit if he screws up.

My response to our son; “Hey, I already finished my college, if you screw up, that’s your problem; you’re an adult and you know what you gotta do. The rent won’t be free”.

Once they see that you are not going to rescue them at every turn, and that you will treat them as an adult, they change the attitude real quick.

33

"My college daughter only uses email for business communication or things with attachments, and we only talk on the phone 1 or 2 times per month. However, we text 3 or 4 times per day on a typical day. The text does not embarrass her in front of friends like a call would. I learned to communicate in her preferred way, and now there is excellent communication.

If you are lucky, maybe you just need to change the communication method. It sounds like it may not be that easy, but it is worth a try."

I don’t have an issue communicating with my daughter. She likes to text, and I tend to email. We speak. It’s all easy with her.

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" If you have a husband have him call or your daughter. "

My husband spoke to him today about coming up for parent weekend. He said he wants to be independent and not see us. He was hurt, but did not express it. He said the conversation was short.

I wouldn’t involve my daughter in this. I want her to stay focused on her studies, and not be involved in my being hurt.

“Your son has not had much experience making his own decisions until now, and he may have made some poor choices recently. Either way you are not (and should not be) part of his day to day life in college and he has to figure things out for himself.”

Yes. But, I fear he is going to make a mess out of it.

“It sounds like you were closer than most mothers and sons, that he led a very straight and narrow teen life (most boys are not at home studying with their moms on Saturday night), and that he is probably just overdosing on his first taste of freedom and asserting his independence from you.”

Yes… 100% percent. He did not go out much, he literally had no time.
My daughter did less activities in HS, and thus had more of a social life.

34

Two issues. money and communication.

Money- Certainly change the funds available. He wants to be “independent” but let you pay for a lavish spending lifestyle.

Communication. A few years ago there was a “mothers of sons” thread. Boys/young men often do not communicate. Our 25 year old doesn’t- he is on his own but alone so we like to know he is still alive- that “yup” another poster said is good enough. Just went through this and got an email to H where he said he realized he wasn’t keeping in touch and would every couple of weeks. That would be delightful.

College kids need their space- you may have overdone the hovering in HS and now son is trying to break away, cut the umbilical cord/apron strings… The spent money- he needs a reality check. You cannot continue to micromanage but you can determine how much money you are willing to give him. For now I would continue the phone plan but prepare him for consequences.

We have had clashes over the years about keeping in touch. My take on it is a need to know kid is alive (and well). No need for the information we would love. Young adults often do not realize that their parents are the only ones who may notice if they are gone. Forget about any courtesy or social/familial obligations- it is even more basic than that.

Growing pains time. Mistakes made. Could be worse- but could be better.

Paradigm shift needed- boy vs man. Could be immature but no longer an under age boy. Get used to that.

35

I’m going to try and talk you off the ledge. You go ahead and write that letter and then burn it. Delete it, tear it up. DO NOT SEND! Firstly, he won’t read it. Kids don’t even check snail mail and he won’t open your email, even then he may never check his email. He won’t respond and won’t read a letter. Especially one that tells him how he’s hurt you.

You go out and find something to occupy your time. Get a seasonal job, find a hobby, travel if you have the money. My H and I are busy now. My daughter called the other night, we were on the golf course. I think we called her back on the weekend when we had free time. Sometimes I’m home when they call but there are plenty of times we are out and about. Having fun, living the life our kids want us to have.

This is a period of adjustment. For both of you.

36

What post #15 said. Absolutely. Go visit him NOW or asap.

He spent 400$ in one week?! And refuses to discuss it with you? This is not the usual case of a kid distancing himself from his parents…
You need to find out right now what is going on. Good luck. I hope it’s nothing serious and he’s just letting his new-found freedom get to his head…

I also recommend putting him on a very short financial leash, and right now.

37

My sons will only call once a week - and that’s only because that’s a “rule”.
Older son responds to emails - usually within a few days (if he hasn’t forgotton) and will always respond to Proof of life request.
Younger son never reads email, only texts. He can drop out of sight for weeks and not even respond to Proof of life request. There are some mental health issues, and we have contacted the school when we were concerned over hearing Nothing. Their school has a student life Dean who handles these issues. They checked if he had been swiping his card to go in and out the building. Dean requested contact and sent security officers to his dorm to escort him to her office when there was no response.

I understand the feeling when you are hearing nothing, to increase the attempt to communicate. The frustrating thing is you can’t discuss your communication issue if he’s not communicating.

$200 week sounds like a huge amount assuming he’s getting room and board. He’s wont be buying clothes or getting haircuts often. Really it sounds lie this is all beer money, do does he need to spend 200 week on beer?

One other thing, as far as showing up on campus, my son’s campus dorms are only accessible if you have a school id. As a parent showing up on campus you may not be able to get anywhere near his dorm room to be able to see him.

Consider if you are concerned about mental health or if you think he may be getting derailed from school work by drinking. or is he just trying to establish some space. Then try and respond to what you perceive is the level of the problem.

38

So what?

His life, his choices.

If you think you have raised him right, then you shouldn’t worry. They know good from bad. You’re not giving him a chance to breathe. He needs to feel out his environment. He’ll come around once quiet time for midterms and finals comes around. (Read the other posts about kids who are lonely and miserable with no friends who want to come home.)

You are making it worse by wanting him on your tight tether. The more you release, the more communication you will have.

39

Do you think he’s in trouble?
If so, go check it out, today or tomorrow. IF there is a problem, get him help.

Decide the allowance you are comfortable with. Don’t enable the partying. Don’t reward nasty behavior.

Parental control is an illusion. The older they get the more obvious this becomes. His success or failure is his own from here going forward.

IF he isn’t in trouble, go check out the empty nesting thread in the cafe. Lots of nice people there missing their kids.

40

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I am setting his weekly amount to $30 a day, $210 a week and that is for going out, clothes, haircut, etc.


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wow…that is too much! Will you adopt me?

Seriously. $200 a month would be more reasonable. If he wants more, he can get a job and earn it.


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It wasn't books. He was honest. It was going out. Beer money.

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?? Is he 21?? If not, he’s underage drinking…a LOT. I know college kids under-age drink but that is a ridiculous amount.

YOU DO REALIZE that you were paying for “rounds” or “pitchers” or “kegs” that everyone else was drinking…right?