I really don’t see how an athlete who is in season, devoting 30+ hours per week to the sport, traveling every weekend (also doesn’t make sense - are there never home games?) according to OP, would have time to go out to lavish meals every night. When my daughter is in season, she barely has time to go to the dining hall for dinner as they have a split practice/workout from 3-5 and 6-8, they have classes and study tables. I can see this student ordering pizza, but not going to Ruth’s Chris every night or even Outback. There just isn’t time for $400 in beer and gatorade.
I always wondered about time management and what I would worry about as a parent is that this behavior would lead to being tossed off the team or very poor grades, not due to drinking but just due to exhaustion and trying to do too much socializing. It is possible that there was some down time in first 2 weeks of the semester and that OP reacted too quickly, but if that were true, son would not have reverted to rude behavior and avoiding his parents like the bill paying plague.
I think the OP mentioned that he had bought beer for many at some local place (who doesn’t card very well, likely) and collected cash or something …
Gatorade may be deliverable by a service like Peapod or even Amazon and certainly can be in the trunk 2 or 3 cases worth for the visit … which is the next thing I would highly recommend.
So I’d make him cough up the cash 
From kollegekid1
… maybe you can contact the places he used the card and get detailed receipts.
And
You should not need to question where the money was being spent.
And
Some people here are really cheap. $200 a week is not too extreme
Ok, so then I noticed the user name and then the advice ‘made sense’.
Sorry about the username. I was trying to be helpful.
Maybe I should put it another way. What is a big expense for some is not much for others. From personal experience I spent well over $500 a week in both HS and college on food, drinks, and partying. I had friends who got by on $20. Maybe I missed something in the 22 pages of comments I did not have time to read. Sorry about that. But I really think the RAs would be easy to contact and find out some info without having to invade on the kid’s privacy.
$500 a week? Will your parents adopt me?
Anyone can spend money. The implication here would be that it be even somewhat reasonable based on income, etc…
Guess finding ways to spend $500/week takes time @-)
Good grief. A college student who spends $200 a week (a WEEK!?!) let alone $500 on non-essentials had jolly well better be paying from their own earnings, not mine. And not come looking for help when they go out in the real world and need to pay for phones, insurance, rent, utilities, loan payments… Fiscal responsibility means going without things, for most of us. We do students no favor at all by encouraging them to have a bad spending habit.
I believe there are still people who either have a lot more money than most of us or just believe in spending every last dime that earn and whatever the bank will lend them. Those attitudes are definitely there in HS and if the money is there, many parents will probably also continue the blank check philosophy through college.
There are rich people who still push the work ethic on their children (Donald Trump made all his kids work at low-paid, low-status jobs) and plenty who do not (the Paris Hilton clubbing crowd).
Your money is your money, but other people’s money is probably their own business.
To return to the OP, it is possible there is a lot of cash a flowing to other people at the undisclosed college and that the $400 wasn’t really out of the box. You can make your kid get away from that crowd and into a more reasonable band for you, whether 20 a week or 200, but there are still some people who live high on the hog, just like their parents.
If your child goes to a $70K school with 50% full-pays, I think there is good chance there is a lot of fine dining, $8 cocktails and flying somewhere during breaks going on. If your child is going to a state school, there may be fairly wealthy students slumming there whose parents are so relieved to be saving $40K a year that credit card bills aren’t being scrutinized all that closely.
For more frugal families, it is likely that frank discussion of how much is being spent on tuition, room, and board will make frivolous spending less likely to occur.
Before we come down TOO hard on @kollegekid1, let’s recognize that there is a not insignificant percentage of college students (the full-pays!) for whom $200 or $500 a week is a trifle in the family budget. It may be shocking to my personal sensibilities, but that doesn’t make him a bad kid. Completely out of touch with how the VAST majority of us live? No doubt, but it’s not necessarily a “bad spending habit” if he has a trust fund, etc. I’m sure all those restaurants and craft beer brewers appreciate his patronage.
None of my business that kollegekid’s family can give him/her $500/week to spend at college.
Can’t help noting that there are entire families of four who live on less.
“I’m sure all those restaurants and craft beer brewers appreciate his patronage.”
As do the girls that he is buying drinks, dinners and entertainment for. It is expensive to be out on the prowl!
New term - ‘Sugar Bro’!
Hi All,
Sorry, a friend asked me to help her organize as she was moving, “a day’s worth of stuff” which turned into days of sorting “need, throw out and donate”.
Ok… so update. Yes. My son is a D1 athlete. Yes, my son is playing, not on the bench. Nationally ranked in hs. Yes, dad and I did watch him over the years. We were never loud spectators, but his dad might have quietly coached some words here and there, and I might have had some constructive criticism ( which he did ask for after a loss). It is my husband who really wants to see him play, that’s not a necessity for me at all.
So, Saturday, he did call. My immediate thought was sprain or break?
But it was just to say hi. It was his real first phone call.
I started off by saying if he was calling to complain about his reduced money, it wasn’t going to work.
He said he was just calling to say hi. I told him I was in a quandary as I understood that while he wanted to be treated as an adult, I really felt he needed guidance. No response to that. So, short conversation. Pleasant.
Then Monday, another phone call did I send the study guide? Of course, I had asked him a week earlier if he wanted it in an email, he never responded, but this phone call was where is the study guide? My husband says he probably doesn’t even read my emails.
The phone call this Wednesday was one of his required math classes for his major was too hard.
I don’t really want to get involved in this as I told him before school started he didn’t have a strong foundation and to take the lower level…he didn’t listen.
So, then I had told him to sign up for the higher level at the exact same time the lower level was being offered, so he could go back if it was too hard, didn’t listen to that either.
I am not sure if he is staying in that class…
he then called me two hours later that he changed his mind, he was staying.
But I do have to say I didn’t realize that his tournaments would mean that he would have to miss school. And his required classes are MWF, not TTh which seems so odd they wouldn’t offer some of the big lecture classes on T/Th.
He wants to be independent, so I am trying to give him the space now. But, it would be so much easier for him if he just listened to my advice. It’s not brain surgery here.
I answered some of the comments/questions below. Although, thought some of them belonged in the athletic section as that is not really what my post is about.
A very long week of sorting though someone else old clothing led to some soul searching.
I realized that this is the first step towards us having a different relationship. I lived through a very intrusive mother in law/devoted son (my husband), and it took me years to finally understand her. And it’s funny, my mother could criticize me all weekend ( and she just did about my son being spoiled) and it’s ok. But, hearing it from a controlling MIL is a different story. So… I want my son’s first priority to be his wife and kids, not his parents.
And I also realize looking back that my son might be angry that he was treated differently than his sister. My daughter who I have a good constant relationship with is a really hard working, studious, super organized kid who gave it her all. She was on top of her work and I felt like her effort was150% and so her B’s were her best effort. I never asked for more. My son was lazy, the most disorganized mess you could ever imagine, and had to be pushed to get the A’s which he did get. But, now I am thinking maybe he is resentful that I pushed him so hard. I feel like he swam the English Chanel ( 6 days a week of sports, trainers, tournaments and full time school) and I was there in a kayak encouraging him/prodding him, and he is happy to have gotten to the main land, but on some level angry that I whacked him with the oar ( figuratively!!!) to get him to finish the race. So, if I didn’t push him, he wouldn’t be at the school he is at playing D1. And all the hours driving him, and we are talking in the thousands,…, apparently meant nothing. On the other hand, maybe he is just having a great time at school, partying too much, and not thinking of our relationship at all. Who knows?
But, for today, my pressing question to all of you is how to proceed.
Basically, he’s being a jerk. And I am angry as I feel like some old sock he left behind in the dryer.
( read that elsewhere, it was good) .
What do you all think -
OPTION 1:
a) I insist on a weekly phone call to say hello.
b) Dad can go to sporting events.
OPTION 2:
Why do I have to tell my son to behave like a decent person? Isn’t it insincere have a weekly phone call with someone who feels obligated. And if he doesn’t want someone there on his weekend, why force it on him?
a) Give him his space and hopefully he matures
Not gonna sugar coat it… telling him he needs your guidance in your first real conversation with him kind of blew it. No 18 year old male who is trying to make what appeared to be a peace offering call would have taken that well. You just dug the hole deeper. You are making this all about you. It isn’t your race, your classes, your sport any more. Yes, it is your credit card, which you have taken control of again. But your son now has coaches, academic tutors, and teammates who want him to stay eligible. Give him space to be a young man in that environment. The more you make it about you and your sacrifices, the more he will push you away.
My opinion? Go to his games with his dad and support him. Praise him for his good choices going forward. Insist on a weekly call if he wants you to pay for his phone. Sounds like he tried to make an overture, and your anger got in the way of that.
I am starting to get a clearer picture now.
Yes, your son is acting like a jerk (if what you’re saying is accurate and there are 2 sides to every story). However, I am completely understanding now why he is so adamant about gaining his independence.
He tried to make a peace offering and you nagged him. I’m a pretty patient person with an excellent relationship with my parents and that would send even me over the edge.
OP, he’s going to make mistakes. That’s OK. He does NOT have to do it with your money and you are welcome to withhold it (and I think that is a good thing to be honest- some spending money is good, too much is not). But he needs to make his own mistakes and come to you when he needs advice rather than you shoving it down his throat.
The post of what has been going on is above this, and thank you again for all your comments everyone!!!
"I am so sorry you are going through this. My son and I are very close, due in part to having spent hundreds of hours driving him to practices, games, tournaments, etc. He also is not the best student, so I was more involved than most here on CC with his school work. That said, we did make a concious effort to loosen the reins during senior year to let him prove that he is capable of making good decisions on his own.
He has been at school for about a month now. The promised weekly calls have dropped to every week and a half and the daily texts I have been receiving have dropped from daily (I need to buy xyz) to once a week. His phone settings are such that when I send him a text I can see when he reads it, so at least I do have proof of life even if he does not respond.
Even though I have had no indication that anything is wrong, I did hop on a plane last weekend to see one of his events, talk to him, and generally lay eyes on him. Although I did not get to spend as much time with him as I would like (two meals and a shopping expedition) I did see enough to conclude that he is doing okay. Although his sport is not going as well as hoped he is still optimistic, likes his roommate, is making friends outside of the team, feels confident in his classes and generally has things under control. It was in some ways harder to leave him now than it was when we dropped him off at school, but worth it.
My son goes to a school with a dry campus, but from what he says the amount of drinking and other substance use that goes on is significant. He also spends a lot of time with older (and foreign) students who are used to drinking at will. I have no illusion that he is not drinking, but I don’t think it is out of control. He has admitted that he is the only underage kid he knows that does not have a fake id.
I think you need to see your son, whether it is parents’ weekend or some other time. You may be able to judge from seeing him whether it is normal rebellion or a more serious issue. Seeing you may also help rekindle to some extent the rapport you had. At a mnimum it will be easier to establish ground rules in person versus through texts.
Good luck."
Thanks for sharing. I know the school… Great school btw.
I noticed with my daughter at her school the dry floors were populated by good kids and also by kids who had a substance abuse problem or who were crazy partiers whose parents insisted they go to that floor or dorm.
Sadly, they were very disruptive to the good kids.
Still trying to figure out ground rules. That is my question in my post above, option 1 or 2.
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"I haven’t read every single post on this thread, but I’m blown away that mother and son spent almost every Saturday during high school working on his homework. What was wrong with Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday? The mother should have spent every Friday and Saturday encouraging her son to cultivate friendships and go out with other kids his age….
Perhaps mom should tell her son that he will need to come pick up his check every two weeks. It’s hard to imagine a college kid living within two hours of home not going home a couple of times a month, anyway."
Sorry, I didn’t do a great job expressing myself by written word.
My son, as all guessed in one sec, plays a D1 sport. He played yearly –
6 days a week with the majority of weekends at tournaments. So, he did have a lot of socializing at tournaments. I tended to hover over him as very limited time would be scrolling FB if left to his own devices. Reading in the car made him sick. We did have a very close relationship though, but he also had friends.
In regards to your comment, “ It’s hard to imagine a college kid living within two hours of home not going home a couple of times a month, anyway.”
I can’t imagine where he would find the time or even be allowed to come home on the weekend. Weekends are tournaments and if not then mandatory practice and lifting. Monday is their off day and he is in classes.
I can appreciate if your child comes home a couple of times a month, but not sure that would be feasible for kids if they play a sport.
“This OP’s kid probably won’t get a spring break either.”
Yes, no fall break or spring break.
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“Huge numbers of college athletes easily drink and smoke marijuana with no consequences. Schools really have no interest or incentive to disqualify their athletes from competition for acting like college students”
Not true. I know many kids over the year who have gotten in trouble for smoking pot. I am still befuddled how smoking pot enhances your ability ( which is really why they drug test) as smoking pot would reduce your lung capacity.
A bit off topic… But, here’s the official scoop.
And, fyi, certain drugs can be excused with a doctor’s note, NCAA medical exception letter .
Example - albuterol,( inhaler) banned by the NCAA.
So, this note would be in your kid’s medical chart before you began the sport in case you are tested for it.
- What drugs are banned by the NCAA? The NCAA bans drugs by class, along with any substance chemically related to those classes. The banned drug classes are: anabolic agents; stimulants; alcohol and beta blockers (for rifle only); masking agents such as diuretics; street drugs; peptide hormones and analogues; anti-estrogens; and Beta-2 Agonists.
- Who is responsible for testing student-athletes? The NCAA and its member schools share the responsibility of not only testing, but also educating student-athletes to prevent drug usage. The NCAA conducts testing at its championships and programs in Divisions I and II through its year-round testing program. In addition, the majority of institutions conduct their own institutional testing programs independent of NCAA drug testing. The NCAA spends more than $5 million annually on drug testing and education in an effort to deter the use of banned and harmful substances.
- What is the penalty for a positive drug test? The penalty for positive tests of both performance-enhancing and street drugs is strict and automatic. Student-athletes lose one full year of eligibility for the first offense (25 percent of their total eligibility) and are withheld from competition for a full season. A second positive test for street drugs results in another lost year of eligibility and year withheld from competition. A second positive result for PED usage will render the student-athlete permanently ineligible.
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“I really don’t see how an athlete who is in season, devoting 30+ hours per week to the sport, traveling every weekend (also doesn’t make sense - are there never home games?) according to OP, would have time to go out to lavish meals every night. When my daughter is in season, she barely has time to go to the dining hall for dinner as they have a split practice/workout from 3-5 and 6-8, they have classes and study tables. I can see this student ordering pizza, but not going to Ruth’s Chris every night or even Outback. There just isn’t time for $400 in beer and gatorade.”
I didn’t say he traveled every weekend.
He was up there 10 days before school started . Mandatory.
So in the beginning no school…… more time for partying.
From what I can gather, there is free beer if you go to certain parties, but if you want to party as a team, you buy your own. There are students on the team that are 21, and then again, I bet everyone ordered a fake id. There are also bars to go buy drinks.
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“Gatorade may be deliverable by a service like Peapod or even Amazon and certainly can be in the trunk 2 or 3 cases worth for the visit … which is the next thing I would highly recommend.”
If he is an “adult”, he can buy his own Gatorade, although I have to suspect it is provided, and he was just trying to guilt me. I appreciate the idea, but I am dealing with a kid who doesn't even acknowledge when I overnight a book to him with an email saying thanks.
“But I really think the RAs would be easy to contact and find out some info without having to invade on the kid’s privacy.”
I actually called the school and asked for the floor’s RA and was greeted with silence. I also called a department about the possibility of a class being offered for spring ( I finally figured out how to look up last spring 2014, and saw a bunch of those classes being offered then) and the woman said she didn’t know. Meanwhile, she works in the department. The most chilling words at this school is when I say I am a parent. It’s like he works for the NSA and they are mum.
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My heart sunk reading your post, because it seems like you blew a golden opportunity to set things on a better footing. He did what you wanted–called just to say hi–and in return got criticized and an I-told-you-so attitude. Too bad there was no positive reinforcement to make him want to call again, because all he learned from those conversations is that, even when he does what he thinks you want–ie call to chat–it’s still unpleasant for him. If you exercise self-control and stop venting, your big payoff is that he will actually want to call and chat!
They do NOT want parents calling if your problems are that your kid abused your credit card and blocked your calls. The college wants your son to take responsibility for his academics and his life at school. If you had told them he was a threat to others or to himself, that would have gotten a response. Short of that, it is meddling in what should be his responsibility.