Need advice please from parents of college boys.

Parent Cafe
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“They do NOT want parents calling if your problems are that your kid abused your credit card and blocked your calls. The college wants your son to take responsibility for his academics and his life at school. If you had told them he was a threat to others or to himself, that would have gotten a response. Short of that, it is meddling in what should be his responsibility.”

Sorry if I wasn’t clear. I did NOT call to tell them that my son abused his credit card and blocked my calls.

I called ONLY to ask for the 1) RA’s name to have and 2) to ask about a class being offered in the spring.

I don’t offer any other words explaining why I wanted the RA’s name, nor did I offer any other words about why I was asking about a spring class

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How about OPTION 3?

I don’t think you need to abandon him. He didn’t wake up one day and suddenly have all the answers. He doesn’t know what he needs right now, and you don’t know what he needs from you, either. This is a transition time and you want to be available to support his journey. He has so much solely on his shoulders now- playing with the weight of a D1 sports commitment, being away on his own for the first time, learning to make good choices and to balance temptation, learning to brush his teeth and to go to bed without anyone fussing at him that he is up way too late, learning to make that 80/20 to 20/80 learning responsibility adjustment (in high school, you learn 80% from the teacher in the classroom and 20% is reinforced through homework. In college, you get 20% though classroom/professor interaction and 80% is up to you to learn on your own doing assigned readings and homework and some digging of your own).

Be steady and available. Don’t be afraid to go to his games or to show up with gatorade or goodies. Find that balance between being accessible without him feeling judged or crowded. A quick text check here or there. He still needs you but also needs to be able to develop healthy independence. I am glad to hear he has reached out and made some calls

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I know. They don’t want parents talking to RAs or figuring out their kids’ class schedules, either.

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I agree with @intparent .

Several pages back you posted about his events/games and when someone asked about you going to them (as opposed to just his dad going) you said something to the effect that his events didn’t interest you as much as his academics.

But you really can’t be a spectator to his academics. If you can avoid getting wrapped up in how he’s doing academically, you can discuss his academics in a conversational way. By that I mean things like asking what he’s reading in a literature class, and sharing you’re thought if you’ve read it, asking for his thoughts. But that’s it. And frankly, it sounds like you just need to back off altogether for a while as far as the academic stuff is concerned.

Saying that you don’t want to go to his games because you’re more interested in his academics… That’s just making it about you. If he’s an athlete at the D1 level, he obviously cares a lot about it. And if you really wanted to support him, I would think you’d have some interest in his games just because it’s his thing. Not that you need to go to every single one (frankly that would probably annoy him more ), but the way you dismissed it as less interesting to you than his academics struck me. My kids do things that would never interest me otherwise. I am not at all the “team mom” type (hated having to sit around at practice because there was no time to go hone–ugh). but I enjoyed going to the competitions:events because I enjoy watching them do their thing. Their thing. Not mine.

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Don’t worry about having treated your children differently. Our children are individual and their needs are different. It sounds like you loved each one best, best for them, and that is being a good mother.

We share your view of wanting each to do their best but also recognizing each one’s best is not the same. Our first two were pretty bright but hit bumps up and down regardless of their effort. Our third has always absorbed learning with no effort. I have nagged him to no end and he would say, “What do you want from me, Mom? I’m getting all As”. He was, but he wasn’t reaching. He was just cruising. I’m sure my riding him was not the healthiest parenting, but he has finally come in to his own and is doing some reaching…and is being quite rewarded.He always did better than the first two but I nagged him, because he wasn’t doing HIS best. So don’t worry about having treated yours differently. You were responding to what their individual needs were.

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Dowzerw, thanks for your two comments. I am gong to consider option 3.

“Find that balance between being accessible without him feeling judged or crowded.”

This is going to be the challenge.

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“My heart sunk reading your post, because it seems like you blew a golden opportunity to set things on a better footing. He did what you wanted–called just to say hi–and in return got criticized and an I-told-you-so attitude. Too bad there was no positive reinforcement to make him want to call again, because all he learned from those conversations is that, even when he does what he thinks you want–ie call to chat–it’s still unpleasant for him. If you exercise self-control and stop venting, your big payoff is that he will actually want to call and chat!”

His phone call on Saturday had been preceded by short phone calls before complaining about his reduced money. So, I wanted to say up front if you are calling about money, the answer is the same.

“it’s still unpleasant for him”

I guess I didn’t do a great job describing the phone call, but I did write the conversation was pleasant.
I believe I used that word to describe the conversation.
He was on break and only had 5 minutes to speak.

“Too bad there was no positive reinforcement to make him want to call again”

He did call again, three times this week after the Saturday call.
Monday, and twice on Wed to sound me out about changing his class.
Then calling me again to say he changed his mind.
I believe I wrote that.

I don’t mean to be defensive here…

But, I did write that the phone call was pleasant and he called me after.

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No. You are flat-out wrong. His future would be MORE difficult – NOT “so much easier” – if he listened to your advice.

Children and young adults need to make their own mistakes. They need to fall flat on their faces and learn how to get back up again and fix it. And the sooner the better. They need to make mistakes when the stakes are low, like when they are children. If you have never allowed him to make mistakes, that’s unfortunate because now the stakes are higher. But you need to let him make mistakes NOW because the stakes will be even higher in five years. You cannot continue to be his producer and director.

This is not OK. A part of me is beginning to think this is not for real. Did you really do this? You have to stay out of it.

Let me say something. With all your intrusions and attempts to interfere and fix things for your son, this is the message you are sending him: “Son, you are incompetent and incapable of doing things for yourself and making decisions for yourself. Therefore, I have to call the school to gather information for you, and you have to listen to all my advice.”

You don’t need a plan. There’s nothing to plan because you are just going to live YOUR life (not his), you are going to have a pleasant conversation when he calls (without criticizing him or bringing up past mistakes or I-told-you-sos), and you are going to let your ADULT son live his life. Don’t have a stroke if he makes a mistake(s). Just. Let. It. Be.

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Sometimes college kids call to vent. “I really hate this math class and I don’t want to switch to the other and life is just not fair.” Sometimes they really want your opinion. When my daughter called to say she wanted to drop Calc 2 because it was really hard, she actually did want my opinion. I told her if she was lost, she should drop it, but if she actually understood the material she should just stick with it and go to the TA and the extra study time. I asked if she wanted a tutor. I asked how I could help. Many other times she just calls to complain, and I just listen, even if I want to tell her she’s being unreasonable. She’s often unreasonable about her team, her roommates, her sorority but one thing she’s smart about is not complaining to the coach, the teachers, the roommates because then she can’t take back the words, can’t take back the whining, so she calls me and usually I say nothing, but sometimes I sneak in a comment that the coach/teammate/roommate MAY just have a point, that the other person is not being a total jerk, or even how she might handle it in the future (take out the trash, make her own dinner, walk away). She calls me after every game because she’s mad about something, even if they win by 10 goals, because someone was a ball hog or someone missed a pass. She just needs someone outside the team to listen.

Your son doesn’t want to tell his coach or his teammates that he hates math, or that he’s struggling with a paper. You need to ask him how you can help. The answer might be just to listen. He’s called you 3-4 times this week maybe he’s already realized that going it alone is not going to work for him and he does need you to go watch him compete, to be interested in his life. My daughter asks me to send her all kinds of stuff that she could easily buy herself - pre-wrap? come on, they sell it at Sports Authority or Dick’s, but she wanted me to send it, and it’s easy enough for me to buy it on Amazon and have it shipped- but they really are just kids who don’t want to be all that independent. Sure he can buy his own gatorade, but it tastes so much better if Mom sends it.

Kids think they want to be very independent at school, but suddenly they find out they still need that connection to home. He didn’t want to seem immature to his teammates so pushed you away. Now he needs a little reassurance that he’s independent but you are still there.

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@collegemom9999, please consider the sudden explosion of pressure your son has faced this first month of college.

He is on a D1 team where most if not all of the players were the “best” wherever they came from.

He is taking a difficult math class, and has at least a minimum 12 hour course load (if not more - is he in season?). The tutoring available for athletes isn’t always as great as many people think it is.

He is living in a new environment with new people.

He is traveling for contests and missing classes.

He is attending practices and workouts at all hours that drain him of energy. Sleep is minimal.

He is in a very strong male, competitive environment where getting help from Mommy would be the kiss of death. I don’t know how big the school is, but some can be smaller than you think. Do you really want the coach hearing about Mommy calling this and that department about his classes - or anything else, for that matter? That’s what advisors are for. Your young man needs to take care of his own business, for his own growth and for his reputation.

Yes, he has engaged in some unattractive behaviors (overspending, possibly overpartying, and rudely addressing you and Dad). But I 100% think he’s doing it to carve out his space. Your attempts to shoehorn your way into his time are just adding to the pressure; this particular boy does not want you at this particular time for whatever reason. Don’t be hurt by that, just go with it. He will come around again once he is assured you aren’t going to try to take over his life.

Your goal should be to make sure he stays eligible gradewise and healthwise. The way to accomplish this is not to demand more of his time, but to let him understand you are there solely to support him, if needed. If he falls on his face, what could you have done about it anyway? Put a third bed in the dorm and keep helping him on those Saturday nights? Those days are over. He sinks or swims now on his own.

Show up at his events. Smile and wave and cheer. Send him a nice text afterward saying it was such a joy and pleasure to watch him…period. Do not speak of any of that other stuff again unless he asks for your advice (or, unless he continues to spend beyond budget, or if you feel his health/safety are at risk).

I really hope you take everyone’s advice to heart. The first semester of a D1 season can be brutal, as a new college student and as an athlete with rigorous demands. When he comes home for Thanksgiving, he’s going to really need a break. You are setting up for an unpleasant and unrestful holiday at this pace.

Edit: thanks for updating us. We all know how hard it is to lose control, especially when we don’t feel 100% sure the kid can succeed without out help! But it’s like the baby chick pecking away and struggling to hatch from the egg- did you know that if you help the chick, it emerges too weak and it dies? The best way to help your son succeed at this point is to stay hands off, and super positive and supportive when he does reach out to you. Good luck!!!

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You may want to consider having a few sessions with a therapist with these goals:
–Untangling your own self from your son’s self.
–Redefining what it means to have a good relationship with an 18-year-old son.

I think you are on autopilot with your approach to him because it’s habitual, what you have been doing for years. But very much to your credit, you are also open to feedback and are motivated to change things. So I think it would be very helpful.

It’s also very interesting that your husband had a similar relationship with his mother, as you described it. Then he married someone (you) who reproduced that relationship with your and his son.

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“It’s also very interesting that your husband had a similar relationship with his mother, as you described it. Then he married someone (you) who reproduced that relationship with your and his son.”

I want to respond to everyone, but had to laugh about this. He always said he married me bc I was so different from his mom, and yep… I turned out to be the same. The only thing is I really am wanting to be hands off when he is married, as you can’t imagine how overbearing it was with my MIL.

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You can’t just suddenly start to be “hands off” when your son gets married. You have to start now.

@collegemom9999 you are very good-natured and well meaning. But let your son live his life. Be there when he asks for guidance, but let him take the lead.

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“Mommy would be the kiss of death.”

Mothers are truly the kiss of death, and all his college informal visits junior year, he went himself as I knew if I was there… no coach would want him.

“we don’t feel 100% sure the kid can succeed without out help!”

That is the problem… And academically it is now compounded that he has to miss classes for tournaments.
The tutoring center is not great. I know some parents pay for a private tutor, but I just don’t want to go down that road. Honestly, I think he is over his head.

" it’s like the baby chick pecking away and struggling to hatch from the egg- did you know that if you help the chick, it emerges too weak and it dies? The best way to help your son succeed at this point is to stay hands off, and super positive and supportive when he does reach out to you. Good luck!!!"

Thanks Prospect, I’ll have to read this many times.

"He is in a very strong male, competitive environment where getting help "

I hear you… and maybe it’s a generational thing. But, I am older and my parents have/had no problem spending hours telling me that x is the wrong path, and I need to do y. Even today… And I never took any offense, and between me and you they were right. Not because they were smarter, just seen it many times before. So, it’s just quite different for me here with my son as he is a boy growing into a man, and I am still my mom’s daughter.

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When my daughter called to say she wanted to drop Calc 2 because it was really hard, she actually did want my opinion

It’s odd bc my son is calling with the same problem that I had in college, and my dad told me to drop back a class and also audit the more advanced class. That’s the advice I gave my son… But, he is going the harder way.

Kids think they want to be very independent at school, but suddenly they find out they still need that connection to home. He didn’t want to seem immature to his teammates so pushed you away. Now he needs a little reassurance that he’s independent but you are still there.

Yes, that sounds just about right. Really tight walk on that rope here for me.

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You haven’t said, but I assume he is on a full ride scholarship. If the word among other parents is that the tutoring isn’t great, I wonder why you are unwilling to pay for a private tutor. Class sizes are large at D1 schools – it can be hard to get help. it is something you could do to support him if he wants it and you think the academic advisors and tutors from the athletic department aren’t adequate.

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You must have expensive tastes. Typical college students spend nowhere near that much above baseline dorm and meal plan costs.

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^^^And that’s all normal and OK. They pull you in and push you away. It’s frustrating sometimes. But you have to roll with it.

I have three book suggestions for you:
“The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed”
by Jessica Lahey
“How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success”
by Julie Lythcott-Haims
"The Blessing Of A Skinned Knee: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Self-Reliant Children
by Wendy Mogel

Regarding the last one: You can ignore the Jewish teachings part. Everything still applies, and millions of non-Jewish people have found this book to be life-changing. Just look at the reviews on Amazon.

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“Mothers are truly the kiss of death, and all his college informal visits junior year, he went himself as I knew if I was there… no coach would want him.”

I really disagree with this. My daughter turned down a school because it didn’t involve the family in the ‘courting’ process. The OV plan was for me to drop her off and pick her up 2 days later, nothing scheduled for the parents. She actually called me at my hotel to ask if I wanted to go on the public tour (and I did) but when it came down to considering the school, I knew nothing about it or the team so couldn’t push for it or against it. At the school she’s at, the parents were all part of the discussions from the beginning. All the OV included the parents (we all stayed at a hotel the coach paid for). The coach has had several get togethers for the parents. She just sent out a phone/email list with every player’s parents on it. We get free tickets to the games (yes, she wants us there!).

The coaches know that the kids need support from their families. There were times last year when I really wanted to contact the coach and let her know what a hard time my daughter was having, but I didn’t. I think it is best if you just support your son (as long as you know he’s physically safe) but not contact coaches, professors, TA’s, RA’s. I do contact the school for financial issues but otherwise I just work through her. She has an interest in keeping up her grades as I cannot afford the school if she loses either her athletic or merit scholarships. I’m fine with her getting B’s, but she’s not so she tries very hard to balance it all.

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I actually called the school and asked for the floor’s RA and was greeted with silence. I also called a department about the possibility of a class being offered for spring ( I finally figured out how to look up last spring 2014, and saw a bunch of those classes being offered then) and the woman said she didn’t know. Meanwhile, she works in the department. The most chilling words at this school is when I say I am a parent.
This is not OK. A part of me is beginning to think this is not for real. Did you really do this? You have to stay out of it.

Brantly, if I wrote on CC that “I climbed the Sears Tower tonight naked”, then maybe the statement,
" A part of me is beginning to think this is not for real. Did you really do this? "

Asking for the name of my son’s RA is that outrageous?

"Let me say something. With all your intrusions and attempts to interfere and fix things for your son, this is the message you are sending him: “Son, you are incompetent and incapable of doing things for yourself and making decisions for yourself. Therefore, I have to call the school to gather information for you, and you have to listen to all my advice.”

My issue is that my son appears to have the worst judgement possible…
And yes, I have been trying to prevent his mistakes instead of having him learn from them
as in high school, a bad grade, a C, is the end.

“Don’t have a stroke if he makes a mistake(s). Just. Let. It. Be.”

So, I really appreciate you making it crystal clear about the mistakes.